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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Lately our otherwise well performing nanny has been using negative language directed at our infants. She will say one baby is "lazy and spoiled" because he wants to be picked up and played with and doesn't hold his bottle on his own. She told my husband that my daughter had a temper because she was crying for more milk rather than explaining that maybe my daughter needed more milk and food and asking us to bring these items. I think that this might be a cultural thing as she is very loving to both children and obviously cares about them a lot. They both love her and respond to her positively. In fact, my daughter's first word was her name!

As the babies are getting older, I want to be strengths based and positive. Rather than tell my daughter, "quit your whining", I'd prefer she say, "Susie that is Johnny's bottle. You have your own bottle." Rather than say the other baby is "lazy or spoiled" she might point out how she is trying to get him more comfortable entertaining himself or helping him with holding a bottle. I mean, he is just an infant and not really the age to hold bottles yet.

I want to have a conversation with her about her use of language. English is her second language but she has lived in DC for over two decades. I don't want to confuse her as I genuinely think she is joking and it is a communication issue, not malice or harm. What would you say so that it was clear this type of talk and use of negative and shame based language isn't acceptable? As the babies get older, I worry about discipline issues and language.[/quote]

frankly, I would look for another nanny . I doubt she is joking, the sad truth is that there are people who think infants are spoiled and lazy and manipulators who should be set straight and so on. your nanny is probably a good person who loves children but I would not like to get my children cared for by her. she does not seem to understand how infants and toddlers work, and the bext way to help hem grow and develop as much as possible into happy and confident kids.  words like these told daily to babies and toddlers may have an effect even worse that one wrong word said once when you are angry, they can undermine their self estime and confidence, especially when the nanny seem to expect a behavior that is well beyond the babies' age.[/quote]

Yeah unfortunately I agree with the PP about the bad effects of the negative language (and expectations) What you are asking for is totally reasonable, OP.   It may be difficult for her to understand though.
You could try to have a totally informal friendly conversation about the words, expecting infant to hold bottle, etc. you can see , if it is a language or other issue with her.... But definitely keep a super close eye on it. [/quote]

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