advice on how to tell your nanny you are disappointed

[Anonymous]

i have had the same nanny for 4 years.. i trust her with my kids and house etc.. i don't ask much of her at all.. i just want her to love my children and help shape them into respectful and polite children.. she and i have talked about TV and phone use.. i don't like them.. I am not intolerant and realize there are times when phone is ok briefly - just don't gab on it.. i can even see a reason why on special or unique occassions turning the TV on is ok.. but the main point is she says to me she agrees with me... and i expect her to not have the tv on when the kids are up and to use the phone sparingly and in the right moments...

about me and my family.. my husband is strict and more rigid.. we pay her to pay close attention to our kids..
i am more lenient .. my children are independent and play by themselves well...
but right now, one of my focuses is to help foster playing well with friends or each other.. sharing etc.. kids are 2 and 4
i have a very flexible job and cart my kids around but try to stay out of the house to give her space and not make it difficult for her..
my husband pops in and out on some days when he is in town for lunch or to see the kids or whatever.. not a long visit but not planned..

my husband has informed me he has come home on nearly every occassion and she is on the phone..sometimes my son has a dirty diaper.. i listen to what he says but don't typically act on it.. because I trust she is not gabing and i know she will get the diaper - my kids don't have diaper rashes ever and if they get red, i'll say something like - he seems to be getting a rash.. just check often etc.. Common sense!

Recently my son fell from a jungle gym with her here - never with me or my husband.. i was told she was inside when it happened..
i came home to find her sitting on the couch when my infant was on the ground away from her...she jumped up to sit with him when she realized i was home.. my daughter was at school..
then later in years I came home and she was reading her book on the couch.. my son was next to her but she was literally reading a chapter book..
i hate finding those situations which I hope are random so to be perfectly honest I avoid surprising her..

today, my daughter told me she didn't like what my nanny was watching on TV.. it scared her.. she was really upset about it (my daughter is extremely sensitive.. )...i am in shock... it was some mom going to the police not because she was lost but because she was in trouble or something and my daughter doesn't want me to do that... WHAT THE ???? i try to stay calm and ask her questions without looking pissed...
i trust she was was watching that - it could not have been made up. the fact that my daughter caught that much of it makes me trust it wasn't just put on for a moment... my daughter told me she and my son were just in the room while the nanny watched..

Now I am looking for help... how do you bring this up? I don't want her to be anything negative to my children tomorrow.. but i also don't want it to happen again.. I am going to remove the remote but would you say something the next day or wait until her last day that week?
do you have thoughts on how serious this is?
Things you can say? i clearly didn't catch her.. she will come back to me with some excuse i am sure...

just wanted to see if anyone had any guidance for me... this is my first and only nanny

I don't usually say anything over the little phone use or even the book reading - though I debated that one for days...
now i am just getting fed up and thinkng she is getting lazy and maybe taking advantage of her easy gig..
I pay her a full and fair salary and NEVER use her for all of the hours I pay her..

thanks for your helpful advice..

[Anonymous]

Id just look for another nanny and tell her she's no longer needed

[Anonymous]

Get a new nanny. Tell her tomorrow that if she feels she must watch tv, please don't watch scary things, your daughter was very worried last night so please stick to child friendly shows. But get a new nanny. This woman is lazy.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, get a new nanny. You have let this one get away with doing the bare minimum. I can't believe you didn't fire her after your son fell off the jungle gym while she was inside. He's 2 years old?!

[Anonymous]

she's probably doing this type of thing all the time. I'd start surprising her more often.

[Anonymous]

My issue is are you calling your 2 year old an infant?

You said kids are 2 & 4 but she had the infant on the floor?

[Anonymous]

MB here who just yesterday had to have about an issue. I would not fire right away. I would be kind of matter of fact: "it came to my attention that TV was on while children were playing in the room. Does that sound right? " if she starts challenging it, asking how do you know, tell her it is not material. Then say "I would like to remind you that I find it unacceptable that TV is on while kids are in the room. They are not learning anything, they can not understand everything and might get scared, etc..." you should also talk about books and phone and say that this is not acceptable either. If you'd like to give a warning, do it in writing. To finish, maybe discuss what activities she should be doing with kids (how much ate they reading? Is the nanny initiating play? Etc.).

[Anonymous]

thank you for the feedback..
my son was an infant when i caught him on the floor and her sitting ... a historical event and sorry for not being clearer..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here who just yesterday had to have about an issue. I would not fire right away. I would be kind of matter of fact: "it came to my attention that TV was on while children were playing in the room. Does that sound right? " if she starts challenging it, asking how do you know, tell her it is not material. Then say "I would like to remind you that I find it unacceptable that TV is on while kids are in the room. They are not learning anything, they can not understand everything and might get scared, etc..." you should also talk about books and phone and say that this is not acceptable either. If you'd like to give a warning, do it in writing. To finish, maybe discuss what activities she should be doing with kids (how much ate they reading? Is the nanny initiating play? Etc.).

No. Don't ask a question you already know the answer to, that's passive-aggressive.

[Anonymous]

thank you to the last poster.. she is active with the kids and i believe does initiate things with them.. i think i mentioned - my kids love her..
right now finding a new nanny will be hard on the kids given the consistency they need and other circumstances going on... but i realize i need to do my part in warnings and the like.. i just can't stand the defensiveness and hate that I don't have "proof"..
I do not want to feel like i need a nanny cam!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:thank you to the last poster.. she is active with the kids and i believe does initiate things with them.. i think i mentioned - my kids love her..
right now finding a new nanny will be hard on the kids given the consistency they need and other circumstances going on... but i realize i need to do my part in warnings and the like.. i just can't stand the defensiveness and hate that I don't have "proof"..
I do not want to feel like i need a nanny cam!

I actually think a nanny cam might be a great idea here. Tell your nanny about it first of course. I would come at it from an angle of "We've been getting some conflicting reports from the kids about what they do during the day. Since it's notoriously difficult to get a straight story out of kids, we thought installing a camera might be the best way to see what they get up to during the day." You might even mention some stuff about missing your kids during the day and wanting to feel closer to them, etc etc. Also use this time to remind Nanny of what your expect for your kids during the day.

This way, you can see if Nanny changes her behavior. If she does, great, your warning worked and all is well. If not, then you tried giving her a warning and now have concrete proof of what goes on during the day.

[Anonymous]

MB here. Some good advice above. I'd recommend a direct, calm conversation with her. I'd also put that in writing "Just to confirm what we discussed earlier, it is very important to us that the kids not be exposed to tv, that they get careful, attentive supervision and interactive play time with you, and that we are all working together to teach them how to be well socialized, creative kids. That is why your active engagement matters so much to us."

I would also see if you can build some structure in that encourages the interactions you want, in ways she really needs to support. Are there library reading hours each week she can take the kids to? Can you sign them up for a class that's she's responsible for getting them to.

If you can combine some critical feedback with some positive ideas for things you'd like her to be doing with the kids it might have a better result than criticism alone.

[Anonymous]

Get a nanny cam (and tell her about it) or fire hire.

A talk won't help. She has been getting away with too much for too long and won't change unless she knows her job is on the line and that you are monitoring her.

Think of it as a PIP. Lay out the expectations. Get a camera to monitor compliance. If she doesn't improve, fire her in 90 days.

[Anonymous]

Yikes! Doesn't sound good, sorry ?!!

[Anonymous]

First, I'd remove the plug from the TV.

Then, I'd get a nanny cam & tell her about it and why.

Finally, I would start now interviewing her replacement.

You say you want "consistency" for your kids, but consistently shitty care shouldn't be your goal, and that's what you're getting.