Crossing the boundaries?

[Anonymous]

I didn't think we were crossing boundaries but my mom feels that we are. I have been my nanny family for four years and am "obsessed" with my kidlets. I am with them for over 50 hours a week and can't get enough. I love to play and teach them and wonder what they are doing when I am not there. I leave the house with a heaviness and really look forward to the next day to see them. I know it sounds corny but they really make the sun shine for me. They have become my little world. I feel as if I am a second mom to them and the middle even calls me mom 2 (I was tempted to discourage it but I thought it was the cutest and have let it ride). The oldest has even said she wishes I were her mom; I would never tell her mom but I sometimes secretly wish this as well. I am not creepy and would never try to tear them away from their mom. At night and on the weekends I constantly text to see what "my" kids are up too and the parents send me the cutest pictures. I missed them so much over Thanksgiving and on Christmas that I came over and spent the majority of the day playing with the kids. For Christmas, my NF gave me some pictures in frames of their kids and I have hung them on my walls at home- I have pictures of them up since I started when they were babies (This is one of the things that my mom says is strange and crossing the boundary. That they shouldn't give me big pics of the kids like that and I shouldn't be hanging them up on my walls). In my free time, I make scrapbooks of the kids and myself with pics and artwork. When I go to the store I pick up things that they will love (I never ask to be re-reimbursed). I do not get paid a fair wage and only stay because of my love for my kids and the thought of leaving them is heartbreaking to me and I am sure that the kidlets would be devastated to lose me as well and may not recover. The parents have continually said that I am a part of their family and I do feel loved like another daughter. I am secretly hoping that they get pregnant again so I can have another little nugget to love and nibble on. Sorry for the long post!
Am I wrong and crossing the line or is this normal and I just have a good relationship with my second family?

[Anonymous]

They don't love you very much if they aren't paying you fairly.

[Anonymous]

No not normal. You are way too invested, way too attached, and you acknowledge you aren't being paid fairly. Do you not see that something isn't right? This is a job. They aren't your kids. You aren't their mom. And your employers likely see you as nothing more than cheap labor, but will say what they have to in order to keep milking you.

[Anonymous]

Haven't you already posted a similar story before?

[Anonymous]

Texting while not working and showing up is too much. I would be annoyed if I were your mb

[Anonymous]

I feel like I remember an old post exactly like this. If you aren't a troll, then you're crossing a huge boundary and the only reason they are keeping you is because they can get away with the low pay. If my nanny started pulling all of this (some is ok, not all) I would be very creeped out and would fire you.

Do you really think it is ok or even normal to encourage your charge to call you mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like I remember an old post exactly like this. If you aren't a troll, then you're crossing a huge boundary and the only reason they are keeping you is because they can get away with the low pay. If my nanny started pulling all of this (some is ok, not all) I would be very creeped out and would fire you.

Do you really think it is ok or even normal to encourage your charge to call you mom?

OP- Which part would creep you out? The MB and DB have not said that anything I do make them feel uncomfortable and if I am then I would like to change it because I know this job will not last forever but I do want to stay in contact with my kids. I don't encourage them but I have given up discouraging because they know I am not really their mom.

[Anonymous]

1. I would not appreciate you not correcting the kids when they call you mom, but I'd let it slide if you were overall a great nanny. But would still bother me.

2. Texting constantly on the weekends to see what "your kids" are up to. Creepy. Maybe one text if there was something big going on but not constantly over mundane stuff

3. Coming over the house on your off days. Just weird. Don't you have friends and family to spend the holidays with?

4. Spending all your free time doing stuff for my kids. Again, don't you have a life outside of them?

Like I said, it isn't one of these things it is ALL of them together. It paints the picture that your entire life is wrapped up in kids who are not yours. Which is incredibly creepy from a bosses perspective. My nanny is very loving and sweet and great with the kids. But she has friends, a boyfriend, and a life outside of them. So her love for my children is normal and healthy. Having your entire life be about your charges is not normal and healthy and I'd seriously be worried about you doing something inappropriate.

They know they are getting a good deal. They know you're obsessed with their children so they can get away with cheap gifts, cheap childcare, and free gifts.

[Anonymous]

Op you therapy to help you with these attachment issues you have. Nothing in your post is normal or typical nanny behavior. I enjoy by charges too BUT they are not my children. I can see you going into a deep depression once they let you go. Your mother is correct in saying your behavior is unhealthy. Please get the support you need and make a life for yourself outside of your position.

[Anonymous]

OP, what do you have going on in your personal life? Are you taking classes? Do you have hobbies? Girlfriends? A boyfriend/spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you have going on in your personal life? Are you taking classes? Do you have hobbies? Girlfriends? A boyfriend/spouse?

OP- I am in school but other then that, no. I am a major introvert and don't really have any friends or a spouse. I do like to bike and go to museums but that is about it. Thanks for the suggestions. I didn't really believe my mom but I can now see that my behavior is not normal. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, what do you have going on in your personal life? Are you taking classes? Do you have hobbies? Girlfriends? A boyfriend/spouse?

OP- I am in school but other then that, no. I am a major introvert and don't really have any friends or a spouse. I do like to bike and go to museums but that is about it. Thanks for the suggestions. I didn't really believe my mom but I can now see that my behavior is not normal. Thank you.

You're so focused on the kids because you don't have enough going on in your own life. As an introvert, it's probably easier to hang out with kids than to put yourself out there and put effort into befriending other adults. Your mom's right - this isn't doing you any good.
Join a group on meetup, meet people at church/synagogue, really focus on making friends and creating a more fulfilling life outside of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I would not appreciate you not correcting the kids when they call you mom, but I'd let it slide if you were overall a great nanny. But would still bother me.

2. Texting constantly on the weekends to see what "your kids" are up to. Creepy. Maybe one text if there was something big going on but not constantly over mundane stuff

3. Coming over the house on your off days. Just weird. Don't you have friends and family to spend the holidays with?

4. Spending all your free time doing stuff for my kids. Again, don't you have a life outside of them?

Like I said, it isn't one of these things it is ALL of them together. It paints the picture that your entire life is wrapped up in kids who are not yours. Which is incredibly creepy from a bosses perspective. My nanny is very loving and sweet and great with the kids. But she has friends, a boyfriend, and a life outside of them. So her love for my children is normal and healthy. Having your entire life be about your charges is not normal and healthy and I'd seriously be worried about you doing something inappropriate.

They know they are getting a good deal. They know you're obsessed with their children so they can get away with cheap gifts, cheap childcare, and free gifts.

MB here: totally agree with the above. Once, when DD got a high fever on a Friday our nanny texted the next day to see how she was. I thanked her for caring, said DD was coming along and for her to enjoy her weekend and we'd see her Monday. She took the hint.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. I would not appreciate you not correcting the kids when they call you mom, but I'd let it slide if you were overall a great nanny. But would still bother me.

2. Texting constantly on the weekends to see what "your kids" are up to. Creepy. Maybe one text if there was something big going on but not constantly over mundane stuff

3. Coming over the house on your off days. Just weird. Don't you have friends and family to spend the holidays with?

4. Spending all your free time doing stuff for my kids. Again, don't you have a life outside of them?

Like I said, it isn't one of these things it is ALL of them together. It paints the picture that your entire life is wrapped up in kids who are not yours. Which is incredibly creepy from a bosses perspective.

I'm an MB and I agree with these points. I am sure your employer family really appreciates you, and how you care for the children. However you are not family - you are an employee. You are not a parent. You will not be with the children for their whole lives. You may not be their only nanny, and these may not be your only charges. Establishing, maintaining, and respecting boundaries and the professional relationship takes work on all sides. Our family has a nanny who has been with us for several years and is terrific. However, she is also increasingly overstepping boundaries (showing up on weekends, buying too many presents for the kids, displaying and cultivating an overly personal attachment) and it is jeopardizing her position. My husband and I are having active conversations about whether dealing with her increasingly personal involvement is worth it or whether it would be less stressful for us to simply replace her with someone with more professional detachment.

You don't want to find yourself in that position.

And the calling you Mom2 thing? Totally, unequivocally, not ok in my book. You should be actively correcting that. They can have cute pet names for you, but you should not in any way be encouraging them to call you Mom.

I am sure you are very well-meaning and sweet but you need to learn how to treat your work as a job - not your personal life. That doesn't mean you can't love the children, but you do need to have better boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. I would not appreciate you not correcting the kids when they call you mom, but I'd let it slide if you were overall a great nanny. But would still bother me.

2. Texting constantly on the weekends to see what "your kids" are up to. Creepy. Maybe one text if there was something big going on but not constantly over mundane stuff

3. Coming over the house on your off days. Just weird. Don't you have friends and family to spend the holidays with?

4. Spending all your free time doing stuff for my kids. Again, don't you have a life outside of them?

Like I said, it isn't one of these things it is ALL of them together. It paints the picture that your entire life is wrapped up in kids who are not yours. Which is incredibly creepy from a bosses perspective.

I'm an MB and I agree with these points. I am sure your employer family really appreciates you, and how you care for the children. However you are not family - you are an employee. You are not a parent. You will not be with the children for their whole lives. You may not be their only nanny, and these may not be your only charges. Establishing, maintaining, and respecting boundaries and the professional relationship takes work on all sides. Our family has a nanny who has been with us for several years and is terrific. However, she is also increasingly overstepping boundaries (showing up on weekends, buying too many presents for the kids, displaying and cultivating an overly personal attachment) and it is jeopardizing her position. My husband and I are having active conversations about whether dealing with her increasingly personal involvement is worth it or whether it would be less stressful for us to simply replace her with someone with more professional detachment.

You don't want to find yourself in that position.

And the calling you Mom2 thing? Totally, unequivocally, not ok in my book. You should be actively correcting that. They can have cute pet names for you, but you should not in any way be encouraging them to call you Mom.

I am sure you are very well-meaning and sweet but you need to learn how to treat your work as a job - not your personal life. That doesn't mean you can't love the children, but you do need to have better boundaries.

While I agree with everything you have said, I hope you have had a serious conversation with your nanny about your concerns before you replace her. She may think since she has been around so long that you consider "part of the family" to some extent and just loves your children fully. Its hard to get extremely attached to a child you have cared for mulitple years. Even the most experienced nanny can bond a little to much. SO please let her know because it is her job and if she loves the children she will change her behavior to stay with you. Plus loss of income would really motivate her to change.