How did you start fresh after a bad experience?

[Anonymous]

We are starting with a new nanny next week after a marginal year with our first. She wasn't terrible and I felt that the kids were safe, but she basically just kept them alive all day, was frequently on her cell phone with the kids, and did a lot of hanging out with her own nanny friends during the afternoons even if my kids were completely different ages or the playground a long drive away (note that I have no problem with my nanny hanging out with her nanny friends with the kids as long as the kids are similar ages and enjoy playing together - it's at the point where you're driving my 3yo girl 20 minutes away past 20 other playgrounds to hang out with your nanny friend who has an 8yo boy that it's obvious that you don't have my child's best interests in mind). I'm glad we finally got brave enough to end the relationship, and we're excited about our new nanny.

If you had a bad experience with a nanny (trust issues, lack of engagement, lack of professionalism, etc), how did you get over it and start fresh with the new one? I'm afraid I'm going to be micro-managing because I got burned with the last one, and I am so not into that.

[Anonymous]

Try to take a step back and think about what you learned from your previous experience, and make your expectations clear with your new nanny. Sounds like you want someone engaged, constant phone use bugs you, and you appreciate kid centered outings and play dates with kids of a similar age. Make this clear to your new nanny, but don't punish her for your old nanny's mistakes (ie. a no outings/friends/phone rule). Also it sounds like you let some thing slide that bothered you, until you finally just couldn't take it. Don't do that this time. Say something the first time you see it, politely but firmly and nip issues in the bud. It really bugs me as a nanny to have a parent say something to me after months of it happening and they seem overly peeved about it. (One mom really didn't like the way I was folding the laundry and one day after nearly a year of doing it this way she got really snippy with me about it. Not cool)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to take a step back and think about what you learned from your previous experience, and make your expectations clear with your new nanny. Sounds like you want someone engaged, constant phone use bugs you, and you appreciate kid centered outings and play dates with kids of a similar age. Make this clear to your new nanny, but don't punish her for your old nanny's mistakes (ie. a no outings/friends/phone rule). Also it sounds like you let some thing slide that bothered you, until you finally just couldn't take it. Don't do that this time. Say something the first time you see it, politely but firmly and nip issues in the bud. It really bugs me as a nanny to have a parent say something to me after months of it happening and they seem overly peeved about it. (One mom really didn't like the way I was folding the laundry and one day after nearly a year of doing it this way she got really snippy with me about it. Not cool)

(OP here). Thanks for this - this is exactly what I was looking for. I think I was pretty clear in the beginning about my expectations (limiting cell phone use with the kids and playdates with similar aged kids was in our contract and training right from the beginning). I think you caught what happened though - she was great for the first few months and then one by one started slipping in little things that went against what I had told her I expected and rather than say something, I just let it slide. That wasn't fair and I will not do that again.

I was clear about 6 months ago about the phone use actually and I think that's what precipitated our decline and ultimate end. My kid had told me that the nanny always ignored her because she was on her phone and I was like "ohhh?" This from a three-year-old. "Nanny never wants to play with me because she says she has to look at something on her phone." I brought it up with the nanny and she said she is never on the phone when she is with the kids, not even for a second. I'm Facebook friends with her, so unfortunately I saw her posting all the time even after we talked. She's also glued to it whenever I see her, obsessively looking at it. Yes, she's younger (24).

So even when I did bring something up, it still didn't change, and that's what did us in in the end. But the taking my kid to meet her nanny friends thing was something I wasn't clear on after it happened - I let that slide and just slow-boiled on it.

Any tips on bringing up something you're not happy with politely and firmly? I don't want her to get offended or defensive - I just want to have a conversation about what I expect, and I am more than willing to hear alternatives and find something that works for both of us.

[Anonymous]

MB here - you can set up regular chats to touch base on how things are going - maybe once a week for the first couple of weeks, then every couple of weeks, and then monthy or something.

I would be straightforward w/ your new nanny in having learned a few lessons about things you did wrong the first time that you hope to do a better job of this time - hence the regular conversations, you'll try to be clear and timely with anything that concerns you etc... And be sure to let her know that she should feel free to do the same - that you hope this will be a long term relationship that is good for everyone and open honest communication about what is working, how things are going, changes that happen as your daughter grows, etc... will be helpful.

Good luck. I think you'll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here - you can set up regular chats to touch base on how things are going - maybe once a week for the first couple of weeks, then every couple of weeks, and then monthy or something.

I would be straightforward w/ your new nanny in having learned a few lessons about things you did wrong the first time that you hope to do a better job of this time - hence the regular conversations, you'll try to be clear and timely with anything that concerns you etc... And be sure to let her know that she should feel free to do the same - that you hope this will be a long term relationship that is good for everyone and open honest communication about what is working, how things are going, changes that happen as your daughter grows, etc... will be helpful.

Good luck. I think you'll be fine.

Thanks, PP - this is an idea I'm interested in. I would on some level like her to know that we didn't have a great experience last time, but that I learned a lot and I'm hoping to do better myself this time. That way she knows what I'm working with for this year. I think I was afraid she would be put off by that though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MB here - you can set up regular chats to touch base on how things are going - maybe once a week for the first couple of weeks, then every couple of weeks, and then monthy or something.

I would be straightforward w/ your new nanny in having learned a few lessons about things you did wrong the first time that you hope to do a better job of this time - hence the regular conversations, you'll try to be clear and timely with anything that concerns you etc... And be sure to let her know that she should feel free to do the same - that you hope this will be a long term relationship that is good for everyone and open honest communication about what is working, how things are going, changes that happen as your daughter grows, etc... will be helpful.

Good luck. I think you'll be fine.

Thanks, PP - this is an idea I'm interested in. I would on some level like her to know that we didn't have a great experience last time, but that I learned a lot and I'm hoping to do better myself this time. That way she knows what I'm working with for this year. I think I was afraid she would be put off by that though.

Not at all. As a nanny, its important for me to know your hang ups and things of particular concern. Also, hearing you acknowledge that you made some mistakes but are trying to do better this time would really impress me and make me more open with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MB here - you can set up regular chats to touch base on how things are going - maybe once a week for the first couple of weeks, then every couple of weeks, and then monthy or something.

I would be straightforward w/ your new nanny in having learned a few lessons about things you did wrong the first time that you hope to do a better job of this time - hence the regular conversations, you'll try to be clear and timely with anything that concerns you etc... And be sure to let her know that she should feel free to do the same - that you hope this will be a long term relationship that is good for everyone and open honest communication about what is working, how things are going, changes that happen as your daughter grows, etc... will be helpful.

Good luck. I think you'll be fine.

Thanks, PP - this is an idea I'm interested in. I would on some level like her to know that we didn't have a great experience last time, but that I learned a lot and I'm hoping to do better myself this time. That way she knows what I'm working with for this year. I think I was afraid she would be put off by that though.

Not at all. As a nanny, its important for me to know your hang ups and things of particular concern. Also, hearing you acknowledge that you made some mistakes but are trying to do better this time would really impress me and make me more open with you.

Oh that's just wonderful. I think I'll mull this over. Thanks! I think I'll be ok. I was much more clear on my expectations while interviewing this time and chose someone who presented much more professionally in the interview. I really feel like no matter how much explaining of my expectations I could have done with our last nanny, she simply wasn't a person that was going to rise to the occasion. Letting that go, taking it as a learning opportunity, and moving on.

[Anonymous]

i think it's a good idea to specifically talk about the reasons why you decided your last nanny was not a good fit. Because the reality is that you will be very sensitive to them this time around and so she should know that ahead of time rather than wonder why you might get on her case after a single playdate outing with a slightly mismatched aged kid. The more info she has, the better equipped she is to do what you want.

Also re: letting things slide. I would hate if my boss told me every single thing I did wrong. MBs too weigh which battles to pick and how many times a nanny needs to do something they don't like before making an issue of it. Becasue the reality is that no one cares for your kids exactly as you do (weekends I regularly struggle w/ holding my tongue when DH does something with the kids that is not how I do it; and he's great with them). This can unfortuantely result in situations where a bad behavior goes on too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i think it's a good idea to specifically talk about the reasons why you decided your last nanny was not a good fit. Because the reality is that you will be very sensitive to them this time around and so she should know that ahead of time rather than wonder why you might get on her case after a single playdate outing with a slightly mismatched aged kid. The more info she has, the better equipped she is to do what you want.

Also re: letting things slide. I would hate if my boss told me every single thing I did wrong. MBs too weigh which battles to pick and how many times a nanny needs to do something they don't like before making an issue of it. Becasue the reality is that no one cares for your kids exactly as you do (weekends I regularly struggle w/ holding my tongue when DH does something with the kids that is not how I do it; and he's great with them). This can unfortuantely result in situations where a bad behavior goes on too long.

I'm the OP. This is a really good point and I think that's some of why I never said anything. I'm not going to micromanage and I understand that any care provider is going to do some things differently and that's fine. I think I didn't have a solid understanding within myself of what I was going to be ok with long-term versus when it started to get to a point where it was below the acceptable level. What it boiled down to is that my nanny showed me multiple times that she didn't have integrity, which made me question her every move. She was going to be the type of worker that kept trying to get away with things she knew I wouldn't be happy with. I can't ever be successful with that type. I'm going to assume integrity with this new nanny and I think that will help me start fresh, unless she shows me otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here, what helped out a lot with my previous positions was having a communication log as well. If I needed money for extra or requested/ suggested anything I would write it down and they would do the same. It helps not having to say it on both ends. I would read any comments or suggestions as soon as I walk in and just verbally confirm it with whoever was present and they would do the same when they got in to relieve me.

It felt better this way as I didn't feel confronted. Also, be extremely genuine and if a issue needs to be addressed do it in a manner I. Which it seems like anyone can make the mistake.

Yesterday my MB told me that I can just was the giraffe by hand (we normally stick the toys in the dish washer) and jokingly she said "because some genius decided to make it biodegradable and the boys would be upset without their giraffe" I didn't take offense to it all and I like how she addressed it. I didn't feel stupid or anything and she knew it was biodegradable because she was the who opened it from the box.

[Anonymous]

Not the oP but in a similar situation. I have trust issues with nanny b/c I had a bad experience with the last and let things slide, in part, b/c we were in a share.

Upon reflection, it was an integrity issue with ours too. She lied, it's that simple. She also did some unsafe things and that's when we ended the relationship.

Based on nanny responses above especially, I will try to think of some ways to phrase what it was about the last that didn't work out.