Kiddo pushing boundaries and not listening... HELP!

[Anonymous]

Hello all! I have been a nanny for about 8 years and for the first time I am at the end of my rope. I have 2 charges, one all day and the other after school. The older child is the situation I need help with. He is simply not listening. They are minor things, but consistent! The problem is that there is not proper follow through with him. Plenty of warnings and threats, no follow through! I only have him 10 hours a week. I am at the point where I really don't care what he does. You don't want to do your chores, fine. You don't want to do your homework, fine. You don't want to do your reading, fine. You don't want to shut the door behind you, not even when asked to do so? Fine, do whatever the hell you want! I do not spend enough time with him to make an impact and cannot think of consequences that can be implemented (that he would care about) during the time I am with him. I have thought about earning a special reward at the end of a good week, but with his younger sister, I just don't have the flexibility to do stuff with him after school. Plus, he wouldn't care if he didn't get the reward. He just wants to be the boss, that is reward enough. And he is WINNING! I am feeling very frustrated and don't know what to do!

[Anonymous]

Ignore him. That's what his parents do, apparently.

[Anonymous]

Ask the parents what they want you to do. If they shrug and don't have anything helpful, then, yes, ignore him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask the parents what they want you to do. If they shrug and don't have anything helpful, then, yes, ignore him.

Unfortunately, what the parents say, and what they actually do, are completely different. But it would certainly be interesting to hear them address this problem.

[Anonymous]

Try to really limit how many instructions you're giving him.
Why are you giving empty warnings and threats with no follow through? Of course he won't respond to that.

[Anonymous]

How old is he?

[Anonymous]

Okay, here's my thoughts - background: I have a 3yo charge and a 7yo charge, 2 days/week and also got to the end of my rope with the 7yo about 6 weeks ago. I was ready to tell a 7yo "I quit" because of her complaining and negative behaviour toward me. 3yo is super easy and sweet. She was driving me nuts, complaining, yelling and arguing about everything I asked.

1. I kept my boundaries the same.

2. I paid close attention to the things I was saying to her/asking of her. (Learned some good tips a few months ago in the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen, and Listen so Kids Will Talk"). (Using positive language, giving 2 options etc.)

3. I asked advice from a counsellor, who reminded me that she was acting out, and asserting herself for a reason. She suggested taking time to notice things (notice her, listen to her, take time to appreciate who she is) in not-tense moments. (example - I see you used the blue paint... is that your favourite color?, I see you picked your sparkly shirt - you must really like sparkles., asking for her opinions, etc.)

4. I invited her out for a "date-night" with me. I gave her a bunch of activities she could choose from (Painting, the movies, dinner at my house, shopping, etc.). (She chose dinner and a movie at my house). I made it special so she would see that I care about her too and she is treated differently, more grown-up than the little one. Yes, it 'cost' me. It was unpaid time, but worth it in making our relationship work better.

5. I've been leaving her notes that she will get before school, just reminding her that I am looking forward to seeing her after school, or enjoyed her company the day before etc. (She asked me why the little one wasn't getting notes, and I told her that I do other things with him, that this was something special for her. Again, I want her to know that there are differences, but both are cared for).

These things seem to have turned things around in a very short period, and she is much happier to comply with the things I ask of her. She now knows that she is important to me, even when I have more firm rules than her parents. I have been able to hold the line much more easily on my expectations and I am happier to spend time with her. I think she is also much happier to see me these days.

Those are just some suggestions that really helped me. Let us know how it goes. Good Luck!

[Anonymous]

Great advice from the PP!
I have been in a very similar situation. Don't ignore the behavior and think fine, because it will likely still frustrate you to the point of quitting. It is difficult when the parents aren't pulling their weight, but you can have rules and set expectations and boundaries that he will follow on your time. Depending on your after school routine and what he likes to do, make it clear that homework and chores have to be done before the fun stuff (playing, gaming, TV, seeing friends).

Also take even 10 minutes each day that he gets to have one on one time with you and let him pick what he wants to do at the house (play a board game, color, play sports). For example, "X I have 10 mins before I have to do this and I would love to spend this time with you doing whatever you choose." If the other child is old enough to entertain themselves for that time that is best, and basically ignore the younger child during your special time with the older kid. Act like a kid with him during this time and don't correct any bad behavior for those ten minutes, set a timer. When you are done tell them how much fun you had with them and you can't wait to do it again the next day you see him In my experience, they will start asking when their special time will be and you can use it to motivate them to get their things done.

As the PP said, point out positive behavior and try to ignore the bad. Pretty soon he will do things to get the positive reaction out of you. With the closing of the door and any other behavior you can pick and choose your battles on until he comes around a little from doing the advice suggested PP and the one on one time
1. Try ignoring his behavior and close it without giving it any attention so he doesn't feel like he wins. Don't even ask him if you know he won't do it.
2. Or make sure that if you tell him to do something you don't back down and calmly remind him that when he closes the door then he can do what he wants. I am sure he thinks well Nanny is like my parents and if they ask me to do something five times they will just give up and I win. If he goes out the door to the neighbors and doesn't close it when asked wait a minute walk over and interrupt his fun and tell him he needs to come back then make him close it and then he can go play again. PITA I know!

I would skip the rewards, it is just a battle waiting to happen. What if he only does half his stuff does he only get half a reward or just give up on the rest if he misses one thing because he knows he won't get rewarded. Another resource to check out is Amy McCready with Positive Parenting Solutions, she has a lot of free advice and articles that have been so helpful for me. Watch the free webinar, I think it has info on consequences too.
Sorry I am sure that is full of bad punctuation and grammar, but it is late. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

PP from 16:00 here. Great suggestions pp. I like your 10-minute idea - I may try that one too.

"When.... Then..." is MAGIC!! So much more effective than "If...Then.." It bypasses so many (potential) battles with both preschoolers and school-agers for me.

I think that is one of the best tricks of the trade have learned this year! I've also shared it with a few other parents and they have (also) been surprised by how much difference it has made in a moments that could have become battles.