Reference from a pissed off boss?

[Anonymous]

I have worked for my family for 15 months.
I'm ready to move on and am in the process of interviewing.
My boss is definitely going to be pissed off when I quit.
She is incredibly high-maintenance and I know that she will give me crap about quitting.
I can only imagine that she would give me a less than glowing reference (although I have been a good nanny to their son) to potential employers.
What do I do when people tell me they want to speak with her?

[Anonymous]

I have the same problem and I am also at a loss for what to do. I feel like my family is not a good fit anymore. They have not kept their promises to me.

[Anonymous]

I'm an MB. If you're interviewing just tell your prospective employers that you are looking for a new position because your current one isn't the best fit for you. Be prepared to answer why it isn't a good fit (appropriately - don't slam your current employer). If they ask to speak with your current employer you can say that they are not aware you are looking for a new position so you're not comfortable giving their contact information. Be sure you have other work references to provide.

Also make the point that you have been with the family for more than a year (which helps you look stable to a prospective employer).

I would understand not being able to talk with your current employers but I would want assurances through some other means (other good references, perhaps some trial working time, frank conversation about what would be the right fit for you and why, etc...) that you're a good choice.

Just be professional and honest (carefully) and you should be fine.

Good luck.

[nannydebsays]

If there are people who have seen you working with your charges (teachers, coaches, etc.) you could ask them to provide a reference. You'd want to stress the confidentiality aspect of your request though.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for your responses!
I have many professional references available for them to speak with, including a former MB for whom I worked full-time for for over 5 years.
I've had wonderful working relationships with all of my former families. This one has been different.

[Anonymous]

If she says anything negative about you, she had best have proof. Or you can successfully sue her for slander.

Slander is a false statement, usually made orally, in which someone tells one or more persons an untruth about another, thus harming the reputation of the person defamed.

[Anonymous]

This is why it's so important to have regular and routine reference letters in your file. If they seem uncomfortable with it, there's your red flag. Move on ASAP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she says anything negative about you, she had best have proof. Or you can successfully sue her for slander.

Slander is a false statement, usually made orally, in which someone tells one or more persons an untruth about another, thus harming the reputation of the person defamed.

It's incredibly hard to sue for slander. The burden of proof is on the person suing, the slanderer doesn't need proof it's true. The other person needs proof it's false.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she says anything negative about you, she had best have proof. Or you can successfully sue her for slander.

Slander is a false statement, usually made orally, in which someone tells one or more persons an untruth about another, thus harming the reputation of the person defamed.

It's incredibly hard to sue for slander. The burden of proof is on the person suing, the slanderer doesn't need proof it's true. The other person needs proof it's false.

I actually know an employer who got taken to the cleaners. Funny thing is, that she was completely honest when she gave a former employee a negative, but honest telephone review.

So no, it's not that hard at all to sue a former employer for slander, and win.

[Anonymous]

When this happened to me 10 years ago it produced a three year gap in my references when I was applying at a stellar agency in SF I was honest. I told them the mother was upset when I left and would not give a reference or return their call, they were not surprised. They said that it happens often that great nannies that are loyal and trustworthy can't get a reference because the MB is irrationally upset at losing such a great nanny. They checked all my other amazing references and went ahead and found me an awesome job. My advise, be polite, not gossipy, just explain the situation and hope for the best. If your a professional, experienced nanny, they'll see that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When this happened to me 10 years ago it produced a three year gap in my references when I was applying at a stellar agency in SF I was honest. I told them the mother was upset when I left and would not give a reference or return their call, they were not surprised. They said that it happens often that great nannies that are loyal and trustworthy can't get a reference because the MB is irrationally upset at losing such a great nanny. They checked all my other amazing references and went ahead and found me an awesome job. My advise, be polite, not gossipy, just explain the situation and hope for the best. If your a professional, experienced nanny, they'll see that.

I hope the agency advised you how to avoid a repetition of the same problem, with implementing the "essential proceedures". You were fortunate to have built up other references. A newer nanny might not be so lucky.

[Anonymous]

Ask her for a letter of reference because you are looking for extra babysitting.

[Anonymous]

The "essential procedures" poster is just an idiot or thinks that MBs are idiots. No one is going to accept a written letter as authentic without speaking to the employer. Getting a reference letter a few weeks before quitting under false pretenses is only going to show your prospective employers that you are manipulative.

Follow the earlier poster's advice to be honest, careful not to slam your previous employer and offer up additional references from previous families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The "essential procedures" poster is just an idiot or thinks that MBs are idiots. No one is going to accept a written letter as authentic without speaking to the employer. Getting a reference letter a few weeks before quitting under false pretenses is only going to show your prospective employers that you are manipulative.

Follow the earlier poster's advice to be honest, careful not to slam your previous employer and offer up additional references from previous families.

What are you afraid of?

[Anonymous]

I think it is illegal for a former boss to slam an ex-employee to a prospective one, but I could be wrong here.

Anyway, you can try asking for a letter of recommendation first...however if you ask for one now it may make her suspicious.

I would just tell any prospective employers that while you were a good nanny to this family, you sense that they won't be too happy that you are moving on so you are not confident they will provide a good reference for you. Do not get into specifics and do not say anything negative about your current family. Stay classy about everything. Other than this...there is nothing else you can really do.

Good luck to you.