Am I overreacting? re: meeting friends while on duty

[Anonymous]

We've had a number of minor issues throughout our year with our au pair. But I'll leave all that out because I am wondering if our past has clouded my judgment on this latest one.

My preschool aged son is very interested in musical instruments. My au pair told me last night that she had made plans to take him to a music store this morning (which I thought was a nice idea) ... and had invited a friend of hers to join them there who is very good at playing some instruments. I have met this friend once in passing and he seemed nice. He is not an au pair; she told me that he is a college student that she has known for a few months.

I told her I was not comfortable with this for two reasons - (1) I don't know this person; and (2) I had concerns that it was a social event for her benefit rather than for my son and that I would prefer just she and my son spend the day together. She said she had simply thought it would be fun for my son to go to the store with someone who knew about music and instruments because she does not, and that they would probably be bored if it was just she and my son going.

My compass on these things are now entirely off because of the number of "walk the line" issues we've had. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Do your own childcare. No more issues for you to suffer through. Some things are just not worth the sacrifice you have to make.

[Anonymous]

I think that's the problem - the other stuff. For instance, if this were our au pair, we'd have no issue with this - we'd think it was a great idea. Because she is a great au pair and responsible, does not let her social life interfere with work, and is very respectful of what we think is best for our kids, we know that if she suggested this activity with a friend, it would be because she truly thinks it would be a fun experience for the kids and educational. EVEN if it would also be fun for her to see a friend during the work day. Nothing wrong with killing two birds with one stone. But if this were, say, a prior au pair who we had lots of issues with (and eventually rematched) - I'd feel the same as you, because I'd know the au pair wasn't necessarily planning that activity with my children's best interests in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that's the problem - the other stuff. For instance, if this were our au pair, we'd have no issue with this - we'd think it was a great idea. Because she is a great au pair and responsible, does not let her social life interfere with work, and is very respectful of what we think is best for our kids, we know that if she suggested this activity with a friend, it would be because she truly thinks it would be a fun experience for the kids and educational. EVEN if it would also be fun for her to see a friend during the work day. Nothing wrong with killing two birds with one stone. But if this were, say, a prior au pair who we had lots of issues with (and eventually rematched) - I'd feel the same as you, because I'd know the au pair wasn't necessarily planning that activity with my children's best interests in mind.

Thanks for understanding, PP. I think you're right unfortunately, and this is indicative of our entire year - every week or two, there's a little issue that pops up that could go either way and I just have this nagging feeling that she's not thinking with the kids' best interests in mind. How far in did you rematch?

[Anonymous]

What did you expect? Don't au pairs tell you they come here for a CULTURAL exchange? Sorry, but your tot doesn't qualify as such.
Oh just get a new one and hope for better luck next time. Your kid will eventually get used to the fact these girls keep coming and going. Does your pediatrician think this is a good idea for your child at this age? Sorry if you who find my vent offensive. I feel so sorry for these poor children with such little stability in their young lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you expect? Don't au pairs tell you they come here for a CULTURAL exchange? Sorry, but your tot doesn't qualify as such.
Oh just get a new one and hope for better luck next time. Your kid will eventually get used to the fact these girls keep coming and going. Does your pediatrician think this is a good idea for your child at this age? Sorry if you who find my vent offensive. I feel so sorry for these poor children with such little stability in their young lives.

PP, your rage is really misplaced. Au pairs come here for a "childcare and cultural exchange program" where "your au pair lives with you as a member of the family while providing up to 45 hours of childcare each week." I could go on quoting from Cultural Care about the childcare aspect, but you get the point. Even the au pair websites marketed to au pairs themselves have "childcare program" written all over them. See here for an example: http://www.culturalcare.co.uk/being-an-au-pair-/. If a young foreign adult wants to come to the US, but doesn't want to take care of kids, there are other better-suited programs available. As it is, au pairs are childcare providers. So what do I expect? I expect them to take responsible care of my child.

I'm also not sure what you think the au pair program is in terms of "girls coming and going" (oops - hope the "don't refer to au pairs as girls" poster doesn't swing by to yell at you!). Most au pairs stay for one or two years with their host family. In daycare, kids switch classrooms every year or two also, and probably teachers more frequently than that. I know very few nannies who stay with a family for longer than a year or two. And by the time they are school-aged, kids most definitely get a new teacher each year. So I presume that you feel strongly that the only option that offers "stability in their young lives" is when one parent stays home with their kids. If that's what you think, fine, you're entitled to your opinion, but don't act like the au pair program exclusively involves a rotating host of "girls."

[Anonymous]

Any actual statistics as to what percentage of APs stay with the same children for one/two years?
Same for nannies...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Any actual statistics as to what percentage of APs stay with the same children for one/two years?
Same for nannies...

Or a daycare provider or any other childcare solution? No, of course not. How long do you think a particular childcare provider needs to stay with a child in order for it to be "stable" enough for you and my pediatrician?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that's the problem - the other stuff. For instance, if this were our au pair, we'd have no issue with this - we'd think it was a great idea. Because she is a great au pair and responsible, does not let her social life interfere with work, and is very respectful of what we think is best for our kids, we know that if she suggested this activity with a friend, it would be because she truly thinks it would be a fun experience for the kids and educational. EVEN if it would also be fun for her to see a friend during the work day. Nothing wrong with killing two birds with one stone. But if this were, say, a prior au pair who we had lots of issues with (and eventually rematched) - I'd feel the same as you, because I'd know the au pair wasn't necessarily planning that activity with my children's best interests in mind.

Thanks for understanding, PP. I think you're right unfortunately, and this is indicative of our entire year - every week or two, there's a little issue that pops up that could go either way and I just have this nagging feeling that she's not thinking with the kids' best interests in mind. How far in did you rematch?

I can understand where you are both coming from. That being said, does her motivation really matter that much? She is still taking your son on an appropriate outing to something he will enjoy and someone who will be able to bring something to the table that your AP can't. So what if she enjoys the company of this friend. Now if your son had no interest whatsoever in such things and was being dragged along so she can spend time with her friend, that's something to take issue with. It doesn't seem like that is what's happening. I think people tend to do a better job if they enjoy what they're doing and who they're doing it with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any actual statistics as to what percentage of APs stay with the same children for one/two years?
Same for nannies...

Or a daycare provider or any other childcare solution? No, of course not. How long do you think a particular childcare provider needs to stay with a child in order for it to be "stable" enough for you and my pediatrician?

You are quite uninformed. Of course daycares maintain stats. Hence the "high turner" reputation of all but a select few. That's why it's one of the first questions most parents ask:

What is your turnover rate?

[Anonymous]

How the hell much do you need to know about musical instruments to engage a kid? I mean shit, I can't play ANY or read music at ALL, but I could totally kill an hour at minimum in a music store with a kid. Plus, music stores have this thing called employees, and they're generally really into music so they'll be happy to help if they're not busy with paying customers.

If you don't want her to have a friend meet them there, then no friend.

But OP, I'll just point out to you that your son meets people all day long, every day, who you don't know, in the course of going places with everyone other than you. Your husband, grandparents, friends, au pair, etc. I've walked into stores for the first time and had shop owners come rushing over to coo at my baby - turns out she's been in there with the manny every week and they know her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What did you expect? Don't au pairs tell you they come here for a CULTURAL exchange? Sorry, but your tot doesn't qualify as such.
Oh just get a new one and hope for better luck next time. Your kid will eventually get used to the fact these girls keep coming and going. Does your pediatrician think this is a good idea for your child at this age? Sorry if you who find my vent offensive. I feel so sorry for these poor children with such little stability in their young lives.

Ooohh, I have missed you and your crazy anti-au pair rants!!!! Happy to see you are back spewing your completely uneducated positions on au pairs and the au pair system! I don't think you have posted since the whole 'take your AP on a vacation' tirade.

OP, I agree with the PP who said it really is about the building up of many things and what those things are that is the issue. I don't see a problem with meeting up with a musician at a music store to explore with your child. I would have a problem if she was with meeting up with her boyfriend or girlfriends at the mall to go shopping a few times a week with my child.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- My employers (same family for 6 years) have always encouraged me to do things like go to the post office, little errands or even go to lunch with my boyfriend or friends. Why? Because they want their child to grow up like a normal person and normal people have errands and go out to lunch. The funny things is that DC still talks about an activity we did with my boyfriend 3 years ago. She doesn't talk about the museum or the park or the story time, but she remembers when we took her on a personal outing and had fun. Yes I was paid during this outing and no my employees did not care. They thanked me! I often take DC different places and out to see my friends at festivals or whatever and it's great to expose kids to different things and different people. Please don't be so rigid, the music store would have been fun. It's a shame your child missed out!

[Anonymous]

Nanny again- I also take DC to a midsommars festivals and other Swedish cultural events where (gasp!) I see my friends and all the kids interact together. It's a personal outing, but it's fun and my employers love having their kids exposed to different people and different events. We do playdates with my friends, the kids play and the adults have fun as well. Wouldn't you do this if you were home taking care of your child? I'm sure these 'personal outings' are a lot more enjoyable than staying home with just the caregiver. Why can't the aupair enjoy her day as well? This makes no sense!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here- My employers (same family for 6 years) have always encouraged me to do things like go to the post office, little errands or even go to lunch with my boyfriend or friends. Why? Because they want their child to grow up like a normal person and normal people have errands and go out to lunch. The funny things is that DC still talks about an activity we did with my boyfriend 3 years ago. She doesn't talk about the museum or the park or the story time, but she remembers when we took her on a personal outing and had fun. Yes I was paid during this outing and no my employees did not care. They thanked me! I often take DC different places and out to see my friends at festivals or whatever and it's great to expose kids to different things and different people. Please don't be so rigid, the music store would have been fun. It's a shame your child missed out!

Ahhh, the voice of another wise nanny. Nice.