Am I overreacting? re: meeting friends while on duty

[Anonymous]

OP here. I appreciate the perspectives. I do want to note that she has frequent outings with other au pairs and their kids. Her at the time boyfriend also spent a lot of time with them. It's not that I'm against her going out with other adults with their kids, it was the specific person she was meeting - a 20yo young man who she had only recently met and who doesn't have anything to do with kids. I do appreciate all the posts - thanks for your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

I don't blame you OP for thinking the way you do. Your au pair sounds like she wants to do things that will benefit her more than your child.

[Anonymous]

Well, this morning she took him shopping. He says he had a fun day, but he says he did a lot of sitting in the dressing room. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Stop making all these posts, you are annoying troll.

[Anonymous]

Can you ask to meet the "friend" before they go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny again- I also take DC to a midsommars festivals and other Swedish cultural events where (gasp!) I see my friends and all the kids interact together. It's a personal outing, but it's fun and my employers love having their kids exposed to different people and different events. We do playdates with my friends, the kids play and the adults have fun as well. Wouldn't you do this if you were home taking care of your child? I'm sure these 'personal outings' are a lot more enjoyable than staying home with just the caregiver. Why can't the aupair enjoy her day as well? This makes no sense!

I would not be happy if my Au Pair wanted to meet up with a friend while she was watching my children. I dont have social visits while im working, watching the children during her scheduled hours is her job. I dont believe for a minute that she wants her friend to join for the benefit of the child. And for the poster asking "Why can't the aupair enjoy her day as well?' the answer is that she can. But it shouldnt include social outing with her friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't blame you OP for thinking the way you do. Your au pair sounds like she wants to do things that will benefit her more than your child.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny again- I also take DC to a midsommars festivals and other Swedish cultural events where (gasp!) I see my friends and all the kids interact together. It's a personal outing, but it's fun and my employers love having their kids exposed to different people and different events. We do playdates with my friends, the kids play and the adults have fun as well. Wouldn't you do this if you were home taking care of your child? I'm sure these 'personal outings' are a lot more enjoyable than staying home with just the caregiver. Why can't the aupair enjoy her day as well? This makes no sense!

I would not be happy if my Au Pair wanted to meet up with a friend while she was watching my children. I dont have social visits while im working, watching the children during her scheduled hours is her job. I dont believe for a minute that she wants her friend to join for the benefit of the child. And for the poster asking "Why can't the aupair enjoy her day as well?' the answer is that she can. But it shouldnt include social outing with her friends.

If you want to be able to socialize on the job, you should have become a nanny

But come on, PP, you would not be happy if your child was exposed to an additional adult? Why not? I am a nanny, not an AP, but let me tell you, these kids are sick of my face by the end of the day. An hour visiting in the park with a friend of mine - who also loves children - gives them a new person to talk to, show off in front of, horse around with, and so on. It is boring spending an entire day with the same person! I'm not saying I do this every day, honestly it's not even once a month, but when I do arrange these outings we ALL love it - me, the kids, my friends, and my bosses who recognize the benefit of their exposure to other people and other ways of doing things. Also, it's often too much to take 3 young kids on a trip to the aquarium alone, but if I have a friendly extra set of hands to help it becomes far more manageable, so they get to do things we normally don't because I don't typically have any help.

Something to think about.

[Anonymous]

PP, I understand, really I do. But I think a lot of it boils down to trust. With a nanny I trusted (who took opportunities to demonstrate that she had integrity), I wouldn't question it. Obviously, OP has other trust issues with her. As soon as the trust goes out the door, anything can look suspicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, I understand, really I do. But I think a lot of it boils down to trust. With a nanny I trusted (who took opportunities to demonstrate that she had integrity), I wouldn't question it. Obviously, OP has other trust issues with her. As soon as the trust goes out the door, anything can look suspicious.

I'm PP and won't argue with that - as with any relationship in life, the more trust there is the more flexibility and leeway there is.

[Anonymous]

My au pair meets up with her friends all the time during the work day (though I guess now that I think about it, they are mostly other au pairs or nannys). I have no problem with her seeing her friends as long as she is actively engaging my child. Though I suppose there's no way to know this for sure, I just have to trust her. I would much rather she get out of the house and do something interesting to her or my child than do the same old thing at home every day. She also runs personal errands during her work day, though not frequently and generally asks beforehand. My son is still a toddler, but being out and about in any context is teaching him to interact with the world at large, so I encourage it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nanny again- I also take DC to a midsommars festivals and other Swedish cultural events where (gasp!) I see my friends and all the kids interact together. It's a personal outing, but it's fun and my employers love having their kids exposed to different people and different events. We do playdates with my friends, the kids play and the adults have fun as well. Wouldn't you do this if you were home taking care of your child? I'm sure these 'personal outings' are a lot more enjoyable than staying home with just the caregiver. Why can't the aupair enjoy her day as well? This makes no sense!

I would not be happy if my Au Pair wanted to meet up with a friend while she was watching my children. I dont have social visits while im working, watching the children during her scheduled hours is her job. I dont believe for a minute that she wants her friend to join for the benefit of the child. And for the poster asking "Why can't the aupair enjoy her day as well?' the answer is that she can. But it shouldnt include social outing with her friends.

I can't tell if you're lying to us or yourself. You don't socialize at work??? Are you kidding me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that's the problem - the other stuff. For instance, if this were our au pair, we'd have no issue with this - we'd think it was a great idea. Because she is a great au pair and responsible, does not let her social life interfere with work, and is very respectful of what we think is best for our kids, we know that if she suggested this activity with a friend, it would be because she truly thinks it would be a fun experience for the kids and educational. EVEN if it would also be fun for her to see a friend during the work day. Nothing wrong with killing two birds with one stone. But if this were, say, a prior au pair who we had lots of issues with (and eventually rematched) - I'd feel the same as you, because I'd know the au pair wasn't necessarily planning that activity with my children's best interests in mind.

Thanks for understanding, PP. I think you're right unfortunately, and this is indicative of our entire year - every week or two, there's a little issue that pops up that could go either way and I just have this nagging feeling that she's not thinking with the kids' best interests in mind. How far in did you rematch?

I'm sorry, I went out of town and didn't check back on this post! With that AP, we rematched after four months. We should have done it much sooner, but we were newbies and had newbie guilt that we should keep trying harder, and that maybe there was something we could do from our end to change things. There wasn't. We have learned that we have to trust our gut with APs - if it's not working, we know, and we need to pull the plug sooner rather than later. We have had great luck with re-match twice, though, which has helped us to be confident in a decision that an AP is not working out. If we didn't live in high-density, high-AP-density east coast areas, rematch selection candidate pools would be a lot slimmer, and we problem would be a lot more hesitant to rematch in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My au pair meets up with her friends all the time during the work day (though I guess now that I think about it, they are mostly other au pairs or nannys). I have no problem with her seeing her friends as long as she is actively engaging my child. Though I suppose there's no way to know this for sure, I just have to trust her. I would much rather she get out of the house and do something interesting to her or my child than do the same old thing at home every day. She also runs personal errands during her work day, though not frequently and generally asks beforehand. My son is still a toddler, but being out and about in any context is teaching him to interact with the world at large, so I encourage it.

I agree - and with an AP or nanny who you trust, all of these things are just fine, and probably good experiences for the child. When our AP has personal errands to run, she generally asks us if she can take our child along during her work hours. Sometimes we agree, and sometimes we don't, and she respects that. For example, a trip to the drugstore, or to meet a friend to pick up something she left at her house - these don't bother me. They are small outings, different settings, and the AP will in any case take my child to a playground (maybe a different one than she is used to), or somewhere else fun for her on the way there or back. My child loves these experiences. But, for example, a trip to the DMV, I would say no. This would be 2 or three hours waiting in line that would be frustrating for both the AP and child, and I wouldn't want either of them to be in that situation together. Now- this isn't to say that if I were caring for my child I wouldn't take her along to the DMV with me, but I am also not a paid caregiver, and sometimes I have to get stuff done on my days off of work that I unfortunately have to drag my child to.

[Anonymous]

A host mom here. I wouldn't have any issue with it, because as someone else said - my AP has excellent judgment and we trust her. It sounds like there are other issues, so I'm sure with different people the level of trust is different. But meeting another friend at the outing, that might take an hour or so? Wouldn't be a problem for me.