Critical/judgmental AP...does it get any better?

[Anonymous]

My new AP has been here for nearly two weeks and I can't stand all the comparison to home vs America. How AWFUL we are. How unhealthy we are. How different everything is and a superiority complex on her home.

She has been way sheltered by her family and is so paranoid about safety here and is quite close-minded and immature.

Did you have someone similar? Did it get better? How long did it take?

I can't help roll my eyes when she says something now. It is bordering on insulting.

[Anonymous]

I posted a similar thread a little while ago about APs comparing everything in the US to their own country. Ours does this too and it's infuriating. Like we were in a restaurant with the AC too high and she said "in my country, we rarely have AC in a building, so this is never a problem." I was like, ooook....what do you do when it's hot? Isn't it better to have it available than not have it at all?

She's been with us 8 months now, and I've noticed she only does it in new situations. It's a coping/defense mechanism. That said, if I had it to do over, I would say something in the beginning. I would let her know that just like any place, there are good things and bad things and that the way she says something's come across really mean. I would also not sit idly when she says something - use it as an opportunity for conversation. If she says everyone in America is fat, you can point out that definitely, our county and many other countries have obesity problems, but also that it's not true of everyone Nd point out how your family tries to eat healthfully. Don't be combative, but don't let her make sweeping generalizations about everything in America being the same.

[Anonymous]

And OP, good luck. I know first hand how annoying it can be - especially when you're working so hard in the beginning to make sure she's happy and when you're excited about the cultural exchange part of the program and all she can do is tell you everything about your country sucks. I totally get it.

[Anonymous]

Tell her about the American custom of "If you have nothing nice to say, you keep your mouth SHUT."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her about the American custom of "If you have nothing nice to say, you keep your mouth SHUT."

But it's not necessarily about keeping her mouth shut, it's saying what she wants to say in a nicer way. It's completely fine to share opinions or ask questions, particularly in a cultural exchange program. But posing the statement or question with an open-mind and not generalizing or being mean is the better way to make your statement. The "Americans are so fat" statement can be an example. If someone goes on and on about how "all Americans are so fat and in their country no one is fat and everyone knows it's important to healthy and of course everyone is fat because all they have is gross fattening food to eat and ugh..." that is received much differently than opening a dialogue about obesity and healthy eating in this country and indeed in the world, which is a conversation I've had with other Americans not to mention the subject of millions of very nicely worded thoughtful articles. It's not that topics are off-limits. It's posing them as a "your country (which you've invited me to and which I have chosen to live in for a year) sucks and my country is perfect."

[Anonymous]

Try not to take the criticisms personally. I am married to a foreign national and have had some of the same conversations (and insulted/hurt feelings) over the years (with my DH, in-laws, etc). The "fatness" of Americans and the "unhealthiness" of A/C are big ones. The reality is that your nationality is tied up with your identity and you may find yourself feeling defensive in responding to these criticisms.

One thing I would point out is that as Americans we have been brought up not to call someone "fat" since it has a derogatory connotation. There easily is a language issue here - in some European countries, there aren't the same sensitivities connected to using the word "fat". Your AP may not realize how rude this sounds. Also, I don't know where your AP is from, but obesity rates (including childhood obesity rates) are climbing everywhere - including in the most "healthy" of European countries. And trust me, there is plenty of junk/unhealthy food in Europe too. You could always ask a question: "Oh, is it different in your country? I thought I read that this is a growing problem in your country too."

On the A/C point, I think a little sympathy tempered with some realism works best as a response. For instance, "yeah, I know, I hate it when I go to the movies in the summer and it's so cold in there that I feel like I'm going numb, I don't know why they do that. But, of course, wait till you are on a Metro train when the A/C isn't working - then you wish it was blasting!"

I think these criticisms are part of the normal process of adjusting to a new culture. The other thing is that your AP won't have looked at her own culture with the same critical eye. Ask her questions about back home. As the year goes on, she will start to identify things that she's discovered her that are "better" than back home. And if it makes you feel any better, her family and friends back home will probably be subjected to an amped-up version of this in reverse when she returns. In the US, they do x, y, z thing better.

I totally sympathize with you, some of my worst fights with DH started with a comment about fat Americans or something like that. Just try not to take it personally.

[Anonymous]

I think this is definitely a coping mechanism for a lot of people experiencing a new country, culture shock, missing home, etc. Even if the person is excited about spending a year in a new country. But I agree that using the comments to start a productive dialogue in the spirit of cultural exchange is the best way to deal with it so that the comments CAN indeed lead to a cultural dialogue and don't just become a grating habit.

We have had two au pairs (both from the same region in Europe) who spoke like this. It got better as time wore on, but never totally went away. But it also seemed to be reflective of a regional attitude / speech pattern (absolutisms, tendency to speak defensively and not admit when wrong, etc.) that is a common stereotype for folks from that part of Europe. (Flamers - note I say and recognize that it is a stereotype; we have certainly known people from that area of the world who do NOT speak that way, and recognize that the majority of people from that area of the world probably don't speak that way, just as not all Americans are fat.)

What was also interesting / somewhat infuriating about this attitude/speech pattern from these two particular au pairs is that their entire goal in coming to American on the au pair program was to figure out how to stay here indefinitely rather than going back to their home country, where supposedly everything is less "stupid" and works much better than in America - yet they are doing everything in their power never to go back. But - we try to remember that, infuriating as some of the comments and attitudes are, they really are some sort of defense mechanism. And also, we realize that even when you strive to move to America because there are more opportunities for jobs, freedom, etc. here, that does not mean that you are not homesick for your own language, people, culture, food, ways of life etc.

[Anonymous]

pp, where in Europe?
Nobody leaves Europe to come to America because of freedom, and Europe has free universities, generous unemployment benefits, paid maternity leave, workers all have health care coverage, get more paid vacations, and so on

[Anonymous]

OP here...my AP is from Finland.

my previous two German APs were NOT like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here...my AP is from Finland.

my previous two German APs were NOT like this.

OP, I'm the OP of the other thread about APs complaining about the US. I never revealed where she's from, but she's from Germany. Our first was German too and never did this. She is very close-minded whereas our first was very open and positive and excited about new things.