au pair throwing a party when you're not home

[Anonymous]

We were going to be out of town this past weekend, but our trip got cancelled at the last minute. We have a pretty open friend policy, although we do ask that our au pair at least tell us that she's having friends over. We also ask to meet people that are going to come over frequently, particularly if they are not other au pairs. She had mentioned that she was going to have a few friends over when we were gone, which is totally fine. But when I told her we were going to cancel the trip, I asked if maybe we could stay out at friends or something later that night so she could still have friends over and she said "no, it was going to be like 20 people and they weren't coming over until 11pm." I sort of told her that I was uncomfortable with that and asked if she knew everyone she had invited. She assured me that she did and said that two of her girl friends had agreed to stay over and help clean the next day. I think I was in sort of a shock, so I didn't really say anything.

It's been a week later and I'm a little afraid of being out of town again. Am I being unreasonable in being nervous about this? I truly don't mind having friends over, but I've never had an au pair ask me if she can have a 20-person party. She is under aged, also.

Any thoughts would be appreciated, including how (and if?) I can make sure this doesn't get out of control when we do go away next time.

[Anonymous]

I was on the fence until i read the under age thing. I would be livid if my AP had a party where alcohol was served. Anything happens,it is on you. No real advice about what to do since my kids aren't anywhere near that age.

[Anonymous]

Agree with PP. the underage thing would bother me. Maybe put a limit on the number of friends allowed over when you are out of town and tell her you'd prefer she not have parties at your house. Also maybe ask a neighbor to check in or keep an eye/ear out for anything rowdy just to put your mind at ease. A 20 person party with an underage host sounds like horrible judgement on your APs part, and warrants some more hard boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP. the underage thing would bother me. Maybe put a limit on the number of friends allowed over when you are out of town and tell her you'd prefer she not have parties at your house. Also maybe ask a neighbor to check in or keep an eye/ear out for anything rowdy just to put your mind at ease. A 20 person party with an underage host sounds like horrible judgement on your APs part, and warrants some more hard boundaries.

I think that's my issue more than the people at my house. Our previous au pair would have parties - she was 21, we had met all of her friends because they would come over for dinner or hang out with us sometimes on the weekends, she would tell me the full details, and she had proven herself to be more than trustworthy. This one, I have overall maturity concerns about and this seems like just another in a long line of minor issues that are making me really question her judgement. I hate to put down boundaries, but I don't trust her to be smart about this or to respect our house.

[Anonymous]

NOT ACCEPTABLE.

She said she was having "a few friends" over.
In reality she was having 20 people. That's a "party" that is not "a few friends".

Now, maybe things would've been fine, and the house wouldn't have been destroyed, etc. etc. but at the very least here, you have a breach of trust, and I would call her out on it.

I'd say: "Look. I was really upset to learn that you were going to have 20 friends over while I was out of town-- especially when you told me you were having "a few friends". In my book, 20 people is a party. But regardless of whether you intended it to be a party or not, it was vastly more than the "few" friends you told me about. I want you to feel free to have friends over, but I am not comfortable having you hosting parties in my house when I'm not here. If there is a special occasion, and you REALLY want to have a big group, we need to talk about it, and you need my approval in advance. Otherwise I expect you to keep the number of friends in my house to a reasonable number -- i.e., no more than 3 or 4 at a time withouth talking to me. Capiche?"

Seriously, I'd read her the riot act. That is a hugely bad sign. If she's awesome with your kids, you might overlook it (although how can you overlook the trust issue?), but if she's mediocre or new, I'd put her in rematch. It just sends all sorts of bad signs up for me about what she's here for. And I can almost guarantee that if she's having 20 friends, they're really not all people she knows. You're going to have strangers in your house, possibly men, and God only knows what will happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NOT ACCEPTABLE.

She said she was having "a few friends" over.
In reality she was having 20 people. That's a "party" that is not "a few friends".

Now, maybe things would've been fine, and the house wouldn't have been destroyed, etc. etc. but at the very least here, you have a breach of trust, and I would call her out on it.

I'd say: "Look. I was really upset to learn that you were going to have 20 friends over while I was out of town-- especially when you told me you were having "a few friends". In my book, 20 people is a party. But regardless of whether you intended it to be a party or not, it was vastly more than the "few" friends you told me about. I want you to feel free to have friends over, but I am not comfortable having you hosting parties in my house when I'm not here. If there is a special occasion, and you REALLY want to have a big group, we need to talk about it, and you need my approval in advance. Otherwise I expect you to keep the number of friends in my house to a reasonable number -- i.e., no more than 3 or 4 at a time withouth talking to me. Capiche?"

Seriously, I'd read her the riot act. That is a hugely bad sign. If she's awesome with your kids, you might overlook it (although how can you overlook the trust issue?), but if she's mediocre or new, I'd put her in rematch. It just sends all sorts of bad signs up for me about what she's here for. And I can almost guarantee that if she's having 20 friends, they're really not all people she knows. You're going to have strangers in your house, possibly men, and God only knows what will happen.

Thanks, PP. This is basically my instinct (I'm the OP). She's been with us 6 months and she is decidely mediocre. I do feel like the kids are absolutely safe, which is why I think I've been hesitant to broach rematching. She's not terrible, but there are little maturity and honest things here and there like this one. And seriously, I am totally fine with having friends over. But I feel like an honest mature person would have said "I'd like to have about 20 people over on Saturday night while you guys are on your trip - would that be ok? Here's who's coming and here's my plan." Telling me there were going to be a few friends and assuring me that you know all 20 of these people very well makes me very suspicious of her in general.

I wish I'd broached the topic a week ago when it happened, but I will definitely be saying something if we go out of town again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NOT ACCEPTABLE.

She said she was having "a few friends" over.
In reality she was having 20 people. That's a "party" that is not "a few friends".

Now, maybe things would've been fine, and the house wouldn't have been destroyed, etc. etc. but at the very least here, you have a breach of trust, and I would call her out on it.

I'd say: "Look. I was really upset to learn that you were going to have 20 friends over while I was out of town-- especially when you told me you were having "a few friends". In my book, 20 people is a party. But regardless of whether you intended it to be a party or not, it was vastly more than the "few" friends you told me about. I want you to feel free to have friends over, but I am not comfortable having you hosting parties in my house when I'm not here. If there is a special occasion, and you REALLY want to have a big group, we need to talk about it, and you need my approval in advance. Otherwise I expect you to keep the number of friends in my house to a reasonable number -- i.e., no more than 3 or 4 at a time withouth talking to me. Capiche?"

Seriously, I'd read her the riot act. That is a hugely bad sign. If she's awesome with your kids, you might overlook it (although how can you overlook the trust issue?), but if she's mediocre or new, I'd put her in rematch. It just sends all sorts of bad signs up for me about what she's here for. And I can almost guarantee that if she's having 20 friends, they're really not all people she knows. You're going to have strangers in your house, possibly men, and God only knows what will happen.

Oh lawd, not men!?!? Lol. I agree with most of what you're saying PP but that last line made me lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NOT ACCEPTABLE.

She said she was having "a few friends" over.
In reality she was having 20 people. That's a "party" that is not "a few friends".

Now, maybe things would've been fine, and the house wouldn't have been destroyed, etc. etc. but at the very least here, you have a breach of trust, and I would call her out on it.

I'd say: "Look. I was really upset to learn that you were going to have 20 friends over while I was out of town-- especially when you told me you were having "a few friends". In my book, 20 people is a party. But regardless of whether you intended it to be a party or not, it was vastly more than the "few" friends you told me about. I want you to feel free to have friends over, but I am not comfortable having you hosting parties in my house when I'm not here. If there is a special occasion, and you REALLY want to have a big group, we need to talk about it, and you need my approval in advance. Otherwise I expect you to keep the number of friends in my house to a reasonable number -- i.e., no more than 3 or 4 at a time withouth talking to me. Capiche?"

Seriously, I'd read her the riot act. That is a hugely bad sign. If she's awesome with your kids, you might overlook it (although how can you overlook the trust issue?), but if she's mediocre or new, I'd put her in rematch. It just sends all sorts of bad signs up for me about what she's here for. And I can almost guarantee that if she's having 20 friends, they're really not all people she knows. You're going to have strangers in your house, possibly men, and God only knows what will happen.

Oh lawd, not men!?!? Lol. I agree with most of what you're saying PP but that last line made me lol.

lol OP here and I missed that. Yes, actually I know for a fact that there DEFINITELY would have been men present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was on the fence until i read the under age thing. I would be livid if my AP had a party where alcohol was served. Anything happens,it is on you. No real advice about what to do since my kids aren't anywhere near that age.

Same. Once I saw the underrated part, I felt the sam. no way would I allow that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was on the fence until i read the under age thing. I would be livid if my AP had a party where alcohol was served. Anything happens,it is on you. No real advice about what to do since my kids aren't anywhere near that age.

Same. Once I saw the underrated part, I felt the sam. no way would I allow that.

Sorry for the typos. Underrated = under aged.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NOT ACCEPTABLE.

She said she was having "a few friends" over.
In reality she was having 20 people. That's a "party" that is not "a few friends".

Now, maybe things would've been fine, and the house wouldn't have been destroyed, etc. etc. but at the very least here, you have a breach of trust, and I would call her out on it.

I'd say: "Look. I was really upset to learn that you were going to have 20 friends over while I was out of town-- especially when you told me you were having "a few friends". In my book, 20 people is a party. But regardless of whether you intended it to be a party or not, it was vastly more than the "few" friends you told me about. I want you to feel free to have friends over, but I am not comfortable having you hosting parties in my house when I'm not here. If there is a special occasion, and you REALLY want to have a big group, we need to talk about it, and you need my approval in advance. Otherwise I expect you to keep the number of friends in my house to a reasonable number -- i.e., no more than 3 or 4 at a time withouth talking to me. Capiche?"

Seriously, I'd read her the riot act. That is a hugely bad sign. If she's awesome with your kids, you might overlook it (although how can you overlook the trust issue?), but if she's mediocre or new, I'd put her in rematch. It just sends all sorts of bad signs up for me about what she's here for. And I can almost guarantee that if she's having 20 friends, they're really not all people she knows. You're going to have strangers in your house, possibly men, and God only knows what will happen.

Thanks, PP. This is basically my instinct (I'm the OP). She's been with us 6 months and she is decidely mediocre. I do feel like the kids are absolutely safe, which is why I think I've been hesitant to broach rematching. She's not terrible, but there are little maturity and honest things here and there like this one. And seriously, I am totally fine with having friends over. But I feel like an honest mature person would have said "I'd like to have about 20 people over on Saturday night while you guys are on your trip - would that be ok? Here's who's coming and here's my plan." Telling me there were going to be a few friends and assuring me that you know all 20 of these people very well makes me very suspicious of her in general.

I wish I'd broached the topic a week ago when it happened, but I will definitely be saying something if we go out of town again.

Definitely sounds like a maturity/judgment thing. Our best (and most social) AP frequently had friends over - which we liked and encouraged - and would occasionally ask us if she could host a party (we offered the first time to host - for her b-day). She always called it a party if it was more than her usual pack of 3 BFFs, even if it was just 5 or 6 - so that we'd be on the alert that there would be more people in our home. Which I think is the mature thing to do. She'd volunteer on her own who they were and how she met them, and tell us all the details (what they'd be eating and drinking, when they'd be arriving, if anyone would need to sleep over, etc.). Since she was so mature (and over 21, as were the majority of her friends), we'd often offer to provide some bottles of wine, or some beers. She'd often cook something yummy, so we'd get some great food too, and then skedaddle to another floor to give her some privacy with her friends. She NEVER had as many as 20 people over, though - not sure she even would have asked; that is much more of an imposition, much more potential for mess and damage, etc. Though if she had asked, even if we were away, we probably would have agreed - since that AP, had she asked, would have planned for it and asked for it in the most mature way possible. (Though our rule is that we must be introduced to any friends who come into our house, so we would have had to have met all 20 of those ppl at some point before we went away; highly unlikely!)

That AP never had male friends over; I am wondering if that would have made me feel differently.

[Anonymous]

a party with 20 people, after just 6 months in the States, under age, and the people were coming after 11pm? to me this is a recipe for disaster. and she had the guts to ask you to find another place to stay that night so she could go ahead with the party. I would rematch immediately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:a party with 20 people, after just 6 months in the States, under age, and the people were coming after 11pm? to me this is a recipe for disaster. and she had the guts to ask you to find another place to stay that night so she could go ahead with the party. I would rematch immediately.

OP here - I agree it was a recipe for disaster. But to be clear - she cancelled it as soon as we cancelled our plans. I was the one that offered that we could stay out a little later that evening so the "gathering of a few friends" could continue. That's when I was told it was 20 people not coming until late.

[Anonymous]

OP I would totally NOT be ok with this. I am shocked that she said it in such a non chalant attitude and she didn't even tell you until AFTER the fact. It's obvious that she doesn't no all 20 people and I'm sure you would have had items stolen had she gone threw with this party. If I were you I'd have a serious talk with her and also ask neighbors or relatives to stop by or drive by while you're out of town to check up and see if she's doing it behind your back.

She is most likely immature so I recommend some type of 'spy' or camera to make sure your house is being respected.

[Anonymous]

When we go out of town without the au pair, we have said "we're okay if you have a few friends over but we're not okay with a party". I would definitely address it.