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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NOT ACCEPTABLE.

She said she was having "a few friends" over.
In reality she was having 20 people.  That's a "party"  that is not "a few friends".

Now, maybe things would've been fine, and the house wouldn't have been destroyed, etc. etc.  but at the very least here, you have a breach of trust, and I would call her out on it.

I'd say:  "Look.  I was really upset to learn that you were going to have 20 friends over while I was out of town-- especially when you told me you were having "a few friends".  In my book, 20 people is a party.  But regardless of whether you intended it to be a party or not, it was vastly more than the "few" friends you told me about.  I want you to feel free to have friends over, but I am not comfortable having you hosting parties in my house when I'm not here.  If there is a special occasion, and you REALLY want to have a big group, we need to talk about it, and you need my approval in advance.  Otherwise I expect you to keep the number of friends in my house to a reasonable number -- i.e., no more than 3 or 4 at a time withouth talking to me.  Capiche?"

Seriously, I'd read her the riot act.  That is a hugely bad sign.  If she's awesome with your kids, you might overlook it (although how can you overlook the trust issue?), but if she's mediocre or new, I'd put her in rematch.  It just sends all sorts of bad signs up for me about what she's here for.  And I can almost guarantee that if she's having 20 friends, they're really not all people she knows.  You're going to have strangers in your house, possibly men, and God only knows what will happen.[/quote]

Thanks, PP.  This is basically my instinct (I'm the OP).  She's been with us 6 months and she is decidely mediocre.  I do feel like the kids are absolutely safe, which is why I think I've been hesitant to broach rematching.  She's not terrible, but there are little maturity and honest things here and there like this one.  And seriously, I am totally fine with having friends over.  But I feel like an honest mature person would have said "I'd like to have about 20 people over on Saturday night while you guys are on your trip - would that be ok?  Here's who's coming and here's my plan."  Telling me there were going to be a few friends and assuring me that you know all 20 of these people very well makes me very suspicious of her in general.

I wish I'd broached the topic a week ago when it happened, but I will definitely be saying something if we go out of town again.[/quote]

Definitely sounds like a maturity/judgment thing.  Our best (and most social) AP frequently had friends over - which we liked and encouraged - and would occasionally ask us if she could host a party (we offered the first time to host - for her b-day).  She always called it a party if it was more than her usual pack of 3 BFFs, even if it was just 5 or 6 - so that we'd be on the alert that there would be more people in our home.  Which I think is the mature thing to do.  She'd volunteer on her own who they were and how she met them, and tell us all the details (what they'd be eating and drinking, when they'd be arriving, if anyone would need to sleep over, etc.).  Since she was so mature (and over 21, as were the majority of her friends), we'd often offer to provide some bottles of wine, or some beers.  She'd often cook something yummy, so we'd get some great food too, and then skedaddle to another floor to give her some privacy with her friends.  She NEVER had as many as 20 people over, though - not sure she even would have asked; that is much more of an imposition, much more potential for mess and damage, etc.  Though if she had asked, even if we were away, we probably would have agreed - since that AP, had she asked, would have planned for it and asked for it in the most mature way possible.  (Though our rule is that we must be introduced to any friends who come into our house, so we would have had to have met all 20 of those ppl at some point before we went away; highly unlikely!)

That AP never had male friends over; I am wondering if that would have made me feel differently.  [/quote]

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