Nanny quit and now does not want to leave...communication issues

[Anonymous]

We have been very happy with the care our nanny has provided to our 16 mo for nearly a year. She is very focused on education and activities – letters, drawing, reading books, playing at the park. She also cares for our 3 ½ yo a few hours a week – similarly she spends time reading with her, playing, etc. She has said to us before that she does not like picking up 3 ½ yo from preschool bc she feels like 3 ½ yo makes a scene and does not go with her. I have checked with teachers and other parents, who have all said there is nothing unusual going on. The first time she raised this issue with us in the fall, we asked if she was unhappy or if she wanted to leave us - she said no. Fast-forward to January - she is out for ten days sick (which we paid). When she returns, we have what I thought was a very good discussion about 3 ½ yo - I said 3 ½ yo gives me a hard time too sometimes when leaving school - she is just tired and is in a very oppositional stage in her development. Nanny and I discussed many strategies for working with her at the transition from school to home. Nanny said she thought this was a helpful discussion and that she would try to work with 3 ½ yo. Nanny also affirmed that things are fine when she is home all day with 3 ½ yo and 16 mo (like on school holidays).

The next morning, nanny calls at 6 am to say she wants to quit. Tells me my daughter is first child who has not accepted her in her 30+ years of caring for children. Says 3 ½ yo called her a "bit**" once when nanny did not get new library books. (I asked nanny why she did not tell us this right when it happened and she did not answer - I followed up with her preschool teacher who said she has never heard 3 1/2 yo use such language and other kids in the class are not using it either. 3 ½ yo does not watch tv so who knows where she picked it up and/or if nanny misunderstood). Nanny said she thought we were looking for a replacement b/c after being out for ten days I had called and asked if she knew anyone who could fill in for her since we could not take any more time off work. Also says she feels like my husband has never "welcomed" her in our house. (Husband sees her in the morning for about 10 min every day before he leaves to take 3 ½ yo to preschool).

Nanny comes to work today - husband apologizes for any misunderstanding. Nanny tells husband there is other stuff going on at school that she has not told us about. She says she has a problem with one of the au pairs who is picking up a classmate of 3 ½ yo - feels like au pair is trying to stay for another year and looking for another family to care for and that she tought we were looking for someone to replace her (nanny). Husband reassured her that this is all unfounded - we have been very happy with the are she has provided. Nanny says she does not want to leave us - but then launches into random discussion of how she thinks another nanny is watching her/following her at the park when she is with 16 mo...husband said the conversation did not exactly make sense and that nanny sounds paranoid.

I care about the nanny and feel heartbroken that my girls will miss her (and she needs the $$$) but the communication issues are a headache. Also, the paranoia issue I find completely weird. Have started to look for her replacement…and then she says she does not want to leave. Seeking advice.

[Anonymous]

I think you need a new nanny. This is strange and confusing and if your post accurately captures her communication w/ you then it's a serious problem. It sounds like something else may be going on w/ your nanny - which is a shame, but not your primary responsibility.

Here's what I read: you're concerned that she's fabricating things about your 3 yr old's behavior, acting irrationally, taking lots of sick time, raising concerns she's never raised before, telling you she wants to quite and then saying she doesn't want to leave, feeling she's being followed, etc... Your husband says she's not fully rational and sounds paranoid.

From a third party perspective this seems clear. You need a new nanny right away.

Sounds really stressful - good luck!!!

[Anonymous]

I understand the "misunderstandings", she thought you were looking for somebody else, this can happen and I see how it can stress the nanny. but based on what you say, something else may be going on. the nanny sounding paranoid and saying things that do not make sense is really scary. I did not want to bring up the NY tragedy again, but in that case there was a nanny who by all accounts loved the family and the children, and then went through a mental brakedown or something. family and friends did say that they felt in the weeks before that something was off with her and that she had changed. the family knew she needed the money and probably felt bad in letting her go. my point is, you like your nanny and obviously do not want to put her through trouble, but if there is any indication that something is wrong with her, do not wait and do not put your children in danger. mental illness and child care do not go well together, a paranoid person may hurt a child because she believes that is the best thing for the child or that she has to do it. from your description, I sense some fatigue and even resentment toward your older child. a responsible and good nanny, if she is called bi#$ by a 3yr old, would tell the parents immediately. a 3yr old is not a monster and cannot be held to the same standard as an adult. she is a little child who needs to be educated.

bottom line, if you feel something is off, I would let the nannny go immediately.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your nanny is either playing you (angling for a raise?) or has become slightly unhinged. If its the latter, you could be placing your kids in a bad situation. I would feel badly about it but, honestly, I would fire her. Her behavior just seems really bizarre. Your kids' safety is not worth gambling with.

Good luck whatever you decide. Let us know how it works out.

[Anonymous]

10 sick days? Unless the nanny was in the hospital or under quarantine I see no reason why anyone would need 10 sick days. For you to pay her for all of them is beyond generous.

It sounds like you have reason to believe that the nanny is lying about your 3 1/2 year old (about her giving her a hard time leave school, and about her cursing). It sounds like maybe she doesn't like the 3 1/2 year old and that may be why she is fabricating these lies?

Nanny does not sound very stable at this point. One moment she wants to leave, one moment she wants to stay. It doesn't sound like you can count on her to be reliable.

This paranoia is very concerning. It seems as though your nanny may be mentally unfit to be caring for your children at this time. I would let her go IMMEDIATELY with no notice. If you can afford it, give her 2 weeks severance in lieu of notice but since you just payed for 10 sick days for her I wouldn't be surprised if it isn't in your budget.

[Anonymous]

Continue with your search for a new nanny. It sounds like there is something going on with your current one that is leading to communication issues as well as her sudden paranoia.

The issues with your older child are concerning as well. It doesn't sound like your 3 1/2 yo is doing anything out of the ordinary for a child that age. If your nanny is incapable of coming up with ideas to try or not following through with what the two of you collaboratively came up with she may not be a good fit for your daughter.

You owe it to yourself and your family to let the nanny know that you have accepted her resignation and are moving forward with finding a replacement. It's not fair to you or your family to have to deal with miscommunication and strange, concerning behavior with your nanny. The hassle of finding a new nanny will likely pale in comparison to keeping the current one around and dealing with ongoing issues.

[Anonymous]

I really think she's losing it...what a drama queen. There are other great nannies out there..you don't need this nonsense. On the sly, find a new nanny. Give her a severance (1 week?) and let her go immediately..she may be very angry upset. Sometimes these things don't go well.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the other PPs about letting her go immediately. My sister has paranoid schizophrenia and the irrational and paranoid comments your nanny is making to you sound very similar. Especially troubling is her focus on the 3-year old calling her names. If you can swing the severance, it would be a kindness and make the termination less painful for you both.

[Anonymous]

She sounds unbalanced. Change the locks and move on. Give an honest reference.

[Anonymous]

I have only once advocated on this board for firing a nanny, but this would be the kind of time to do it. Something is going on and as badly as you feel for firing her, your kids should not be at risk of suffering because of her issues - whatever they are. Let her go ASAP.

[Anonymous]

She sounds unstable and paranoid to me.

We all have doubts, we all have frustration, and any of us fear we are going to be secretly replaced at times....

But all of this at once, and the back and forth with you...Just crazy. Maybe too much pot making her paranoid?

Really I'd find someone more stable though in case this is indicative of a mental break down brewing.

[Anonymous]

OP here - all this feedback helped me to see the light - thank you for the thoughtful comments.

We will definitely be letting her go. Older daughter can stay at aftercare until I figure this out so that she does not have to interact with the nanny. But talk about paranoid...after reading these posts, now I'm worried about letting the nanny stay with the 16 mo while I find a replacement. Problem is I have no leave time because I used it all when the nanny was out for 10 days. I'm frantically calling around to find something but it will take at least a week.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can call an agency and get an emergency nanny until you find a replacement. but whatever you do, do not let your nanny understand she is going to be replaced while she cares for your child. tell her as nicely as possible, have you DH with you possibly, and then let her go immediately and do not let her around your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She sounds unbalanced. Change the locks and move on. Give an honest reference.

Agree. Change the locks, warn the school NOT to allow her on the premises, change your alarm code, get a new nanny and tell your 3 yr old she's not to ever go anywhere with the old nanny. That she seems to have gotten sick in the head and has to go away to get her head better, and it's a long process, so she won't be able to work anymore.

[Anonymous]

She's a ticking time bomb and is obviously not happy. You need a more reliable, happy nanny who's less paranoid. Your nanny might want to stay for the time being, but it's only a matter of time before she quits.

Also, the paranoia thing is kinda weird. It also doesn't appear that shes a big fan of your 3y/o.