Things are awkward between me and DB/MB

[Anonymous]

I work for a family, I've been there for the past 6 months. Things have been awkward and are getting even more so. DB has been venting to me about his frustrations with MB going back to work. He's a high powered corporate lawyer and when he gets home he is irritated that MB is still at work. MB is just working because she wants to, not because they need the money. She is an administrative assistant and frequently works late. I've been staying extra late recently, making dinner and putting the kids to bed since MB's boss has been wanting her to stay overtime.

A few weeks ago MB walked in on me and the DB in the den chit-chatting and having a glass of wine. It was nothing major, he was just making small talk since he usually we don't say more than hi/goodbye. She was clearly unhappy and rushed me out of the house - "off you go, goodbye!" in a smarmy fakey-nice voice. There have also been other instances where DB and I are having a laugh and she gets shrill and abrupt about the situation.

DB has also started calling me from his work cell to check up on how things are going with the kids, say hello to the boys, ask if we need anything etc. Apparently MB found out and texted me one night, letting me know that I should only be communicating through his personal cell phone, not his work phone. Ummm.... he's calling me?

On Friday she came home earlier and started MAKING OUT with her husband right in front of me. It was totally inappropriate.

Anyway, I don't know what her deal is, but I feel like I'm being put in the middle of a situation that has nothing to do with me. Should I tell her to step off? I think she's getting the wrong idea here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work for a family, I've been there for the past 6 months. Things have been awkward and are getting even more so. DB has been venting to me about his frustrations with MB going back to work. He's a high powered corporate lawyer and when he gets home he is irritated that MB is still at work. MB is just working because she wants to, not because they need the money. She is an administrative assistant and frequently works late. I've been staying extra late recently, making dinner and putting the kids to bed since MB's boss has been wanting her to stay overtime.

A few weeks ago MB walked in on me and the DB in the den chit-chatting and having a glass of wine. It was nothing major, he was just making small talk since he usually we don't say more than hi/goodbye. She was clearly unhappy and rushed me out of the house - "off you go, goodbye!" in a smarmy fakey-nice voice. There have also been other instances where DB and I are having a laugh and she gets shrill and abrupt about the situation.

DB has also started calling me from his work cell to check up on how things are going with the kids, say hello to the boys, ask if we need anything etc. Apparently MB found out and texted me one night, letting me know that I should only be communicating through his personal cell phone, not his work phone. Ummm.... he's calling me?

On Friday she came home earlier and started MAKING OUT with her husband right in front of me. It was totally inappropriate.

Anyway, I don't know what her deal is, but I feel like I'm being put in the middle of a situation that has nothing to do with me. Should I tell her to step off? I think she's getting the wrong idea here.

If you want to lose your job, sure. I would just back off from DB. I'm sorry, but it was very inappropriate of you to sit down and have wine with your DB. He is your BOSS. From what you posted, I can definitely see why your MB is getting the wrong impression. You need to start keeping things on a very appropriate level. This is her husband and if you keep doing what you are doing, you are more then likely going to find yourself with no job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work for a family, I've been there for the past 6 months. Things have been awkward and are getting even more so. DB has been venting to me about his frustrations with MB going back to work. He's a high powered corporate lawyer and when he gets home he is irritated that MB is still at work. MB is just working because she wants to, not because they need the money. She is an administrative assistant and frequently works late. I've been staying extra late recently, making dinner and putting the kids to bed since MB's boss has been wanting her to stay overtime.

A few weeks ago MB walked in on me and the DB in the den chit-chatting and having a glass of wine. It was nothing major, he was just making small talk since he usually we don't say more than hi/goodbye. She was clearly unhappy and rushed me out of the house - "off you go, goodbye!" in a smarmy fakey-nice voice. There have also been other instances where DB and I are having a laugh and she gets shrill and abrupt about the situation.

DB has also started calling me from his work cell to check up on how things are going with the kids, say hello to the boys, ask if we need anything etc. Apparently MB found out and texted me one night, letting me know that I should only be communicating through his personal cell phone, not his work phone. Ummm.... he's calling me?

On Friday she came home earlier and started MAKING OUT with her husband right in front of me. It was totally inappropriate.

Anyway, I don't know what her deal is, but I feel like I'm being put in the middle of a situation that has nothing to do with me. Should I tell her to step off? I think she's getting the wrong idea here.

If you want to lose your job, sure. I would just back off from DB. I'm sorry, but it was very inappropriate of you to sit down and have wine with your DB. He is your BOSS. From what you posted, I can definitely see why your MB is getting the wrong impression. You need to start keeping things on a very appropriate level. This is her husband and if you keep doing what you are doing, you are more then likely going to find yourself with no job.

Wait a minute.... I didn't jump into bed with him, how was what I did inappropriate? It's not my fault that she's insecure, but I don't see how I overstepped my boundaries, especially when I was just a passive participant in any of these things she's upset about. DB calls ME... not the other way around, EVER. Having wine with him? I had put the kids to bed and MB texted me saying she was on her way home and to wait for 20-30 minutes because she needed to pay me and we needed to discuss a plan of action for the next day. I was in the den reading after the kids fell asleep, DB came home, popped his head in the room to say hi, and when he realized I was waiting for MB, he poured 2 glasses of Cabernet and sat down with a newspaper and we talked while we waited for her.

Sheesh, it's not like I'm sprawling out on their couch in lingerie. I'm just "there" and boom, DB wants to talk.

[Anonymous]

MB is definitely jealous. She may or may not realize that it is her husband who is taking all of the steps forward to have more and more interactions with you. It sounds like DB is frustrated with his wife and is having some interest in you. I could be completely wrong and he could be completely innocent, but this is just what it sounds like to me.

I would tread VERY lightly. I am not sure if one of them takes more of the "primary boss" role with you, but if it is MB you could be gone any day at this rate. Since you have an open relationship with DB I would speak to him about it. Something along the lines of "Of course I know absolutely nothing is going on but I think that your wife is having some jealousy issues. My relationship with her has become strained at best and I am thinking maybe we should back off on unnecessary chit-chat until things settle down."

In the meantime avoid spending more time with DB than you really need to. You may be sending him the wrong signals and you're certainly sending her the wrong signals. Of course if he calls you there is nothing you can do about it. But try not to sit/stand too close, talk more than necessary, and certainly no more wine.

[Anonymous]

He is sharing wine with you and complaining about his wife going back to work-- this is prelude to a potential affair and she is right to be jealous. He is forming emotional intimacy, lowering your guard, and pushing to identify your boundaries.

If I was the MB, I would be very worried. Even if she fires you, she is stuck with a husband she doesn't trust. But, you are just the nanny, and firing you is worth a shot if it might save her marriage.

If I was you, I would back off from the friendship with DB. No good can come of it. Be professional, guarded, and a little cold. Be nice to MB. Reassure her through your actions and display of loyalty, without bringing this up. And update your resume / keep your eye out for other opportunities, just in case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB is definitely jealous. She may or may not realize that it is her husband who is taking all of the steps forward to have more and more interactions with you. It sounds like DB is frustrated with his wife and is having some interest in you. I could be completely wrong and he could be completely innocent, but this is just what it sounds like to me.

I would tread VERY lightly. I am not sure if one of them takes more of the "primary boss" role with you, but if it is MB you could be gone any day at this rate. Since you have an open relationship with DB I would speak to him about it. Something along the lines of "Of course I know absolutely nothing is going on but I think that your wife is having some jealousy issues. My relationship with her has become strained at best and I am thinking maybe we should back off on unnecessary chit-chat until things settle down."

In the meantime avoid spending more time with DB than you really need to. You may be sending him the wrong signals and you're certainly sending her the wrong signals. Of course if he calls you there is nothing you can do about it. But try not to sit/stand too close, talk more than necessary, and certainly no more wine.

OP here. Yes, MB is the one who hired me and the one I had the most communication with until recently, when she started working overtime.


I just think it's silly and insulting that we as women will attack each other before holding a man responsible. Instead, the man is treated with kid gloves and absolved of any responsibility while two innocent women lunge at each other's throats. It's so stupid. She should be mad at her husband, not me. I'm just there to take care of her kids. Her husband is the one that went to a baseball game in Chicago over the summer but instead told her that he was out of town for business. He even asked me if I knew any good bars in Chi to hit up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is sharing wine with you and complaining about his wife going back to work-- this is prelude to a potential affair and she is right to be jealous. He is forming emotional intimacy, lowering your guard, and pushing to identify your boundaries.

If I was the MB, I would be very worried. Even if she fires you, she is stuck with a husband she doesn't trust. But, you are just the nanny, and firing you is worth a shot if it might save her marriage.

If I was you, I would back off from the friendship with DB. No good can come of it. Be professional, guarded, and a little cold. Be nice to MB. Reassure her through your actions and display of loyalty, without bringing this up. And update your resume / keep your eye out for other opportunities, just in case.

Logically, I know that this is more than about me... but the way she is handling it is pissing me off and the way she's so rude to me makes me want to be not so nice in return. I guess in this case it would probably be better to quit since no amount of ass-kissing on my part is going to stop her husband's ways. And her way of dealing with him is to take it out on me. The more I type, the more I realize we might be past the point of return. She got upset with me about my outfit the other day. I was wearing a big, black turtleneck sweatshirt and some leggings with a funny pattern on them. The boys actually loved my pants - they had a print of an old video game on them and they got a kick out of it. She rolled her eyes when she saw me wearing them and then later on mentioned that my pants were too "sexual". They're silly pants with tetris printed on them! Come the fuck on!

I should just quit. I'm just now realizing there's no way out of this.

[Anonymous]

You are right, op. No good way out. Get going on your job hunt. I would never drink at my job, even if I was done with work.

[Anonymous]

OP, just because you claim you were a "passive participant" it does not mean you are innocent. Say no to a glass of wine from your boss in the evenings (or ever, really). If he starts complaining to you about MB, stop him by saying, "I feel for you, but this is really none of my business and I can't be involved; I hope you understand."

Have some compassion - the MB is worried about you having an affair with her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just because you claim you were a "passive participant" it does not mean you are innocent. Say no to a glass of wine from your boss in the evenings (or ever, really). If he starts complaining to you about MB, stop him by saying, "I feel for you, but this is really none of my business and I can't be involved; I hope you understand."

Have some compassion - the MB is worried about you having an affair with her husband.

+1 put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself what it looks like. You could have put up some boundaries and you didn't. You also have no idea what kind of crap she is giving him, so don't be so quick to judge. The fact that she hasn't fired you should tell you she is trying to put the blame where it belongs, but you honestly aren't making it easier. Also, leggings are not pants, and should not be worn as such to WORK. Wear actual pants, and try not to give her things to nit pick about. Distance yourself from DB, and start looking for a new job.

[Anonymous]

She started working a full time assistant job with overtime because she wanted too? Sounds to me like she is preparing for the worst. Her husband is lying to her, she is worried about you becoming to friendly with her husband and her husband is displaying signs of interest....these are all warning signs. You need to find a new position or completely change your attitude.

You may not intentionally be seeking out conversations/interactions with the father but you are definitely not responding appropriately. You should never drink with your employer or getting into conversations about marriage issues. Your DB is clearly figuring out your boundaries and you are lowering them. If MB is your primary boss than you should only communicate with her at this time. If the DB texts you, respond with a group text back that includes MB. If he calls let it go to voicemail than group text him back saying your busy with the kids but will call back if its important. I'm assuming the DB has never been this involved/interested in the children in the past nor has he been so friendly with you? I'm hoping your not naive but everything you have said in the post is the beginning stages of adultery. Like a pp said, he is building emotional intimacy and figuring out your boundaries. He is presenting himself a victim of his wife's neglectful attitude while also trying to seem like a loving involved father. It's disgusting.

Leggings no matter the print are sexual, they show off the right curves on women. They make your ass look big and your legs skinny.

[Anonymous]

I agree w/ pp'ers. Not to blame you, or absolve the man in any way, but you are responsible for you, and you are clearly seeing the writing on the wall. You know the MB is nervous/jealous/suspicious. Whether she's right or wrong to feel that way if you are aware of it you have choices.

You can choose to say it's all the DB's doing and you're totally passive, and continue to simply accept attention, conversation, wine etc...

You can choose to just go find another job.

You can choose to graciously decline any singificant interaction w/ the DB - no thanks to a glass of wine, moving to another room instead of staying to chat, etc...

You can choose to rebuild your relationship w/ MB - seek her out. Text her during the day. Make a point of not hanging around w/ the husband. Perhaps even initiate a conversation where you say you feel like perhaps you and she have gotten off base and you'd like to reestablish the way things used to be, etc...

The female in these circumstances, while often not necessarily in the wrong, is rarely without the power to manage some aspects of how things happen.

You need to decide whether you're enjoying the drama and attention, or whether you want to retain this job and reestablish a good relationship with MB.

[Anonymous]

You may not intentionally be seeking out conversations/interactions with the father but you are definitely not responding appropriately. You should never drink with your employer or getting into conversations about marriage issues. Your DB is clearly figuring out your boundaries and you are lowering them

This. I hate to be blunt but a high powered lawyer is only have a drink and conversation with a nanny for one reason. He doesn't care what you are saying or what you think. Don't let your ego blind you to what is going on.

[Anonymous]

Omg. I wear leggings to work. Who cares?

[Anonymous]

Of course, it is always the female's fault! I have drinks with my bosss all the time, somrtimes even in his office.