S/O - How do you deal with a "difficult" baby in a nanny share?

[Anonymous]

I'm wondering if anyone has any tips to make this nanny share any easier!

I have been nannying for two babies (both 11 mos. old) for a couple months now. I have them three full days a week (8-6). One baby is very easygoing, the other is not at all (SCREAMS for diaper changes and putting on clothes, SCREAMS if she's strapped in the high chair one minute too long, SCREAMS when I wipe off her hands and face after a meal, SCREAMS if she wants to be held and I'm attending to the other baby, SCREAMS when it's time for her to nap). The "difficult" baby is not sleep trained and can't put herself to sleep. She will only take a nap in the carrier (I can put her down after she falls asleep) or while walking or pacing down the block in the stroller. I can handle crying, but the SCREAMING is so difficult, because it really hurts my ears and gives me a headache. I can't always give her everything she wants at the moment she wants it because I have the other baby, too. It's really hard for me to love this baby because she's just so difficult.

So far, we've been doing one outing a day (always to the park). We go after morning nap (they usually nap around 9:30/10 for 45 mins-90 mins depending on the day) and after lunch (which is around 11:15-11:30), so heading out around 12-12:30 until 1:30-2 when they're ready to nap again. They're up from afternoon naps around 2:30-3:30 (the "difficult" baby is always up first), and dinner is around 4:30. The last couple hours of the day are the hardest. The "difficult" baby SCREAMS over everything by that point in the day and I'm totally worn out from lugging both babies up and down stairs (the host house has 3 levels) all day.

Does anyone have any tips or ideas on how to make this easier? Is there any way to lessen the screaming? Should we be out of the house more? I think it would be much easier if we could be on one level all day (going up and down stairs carrying two babies is so exhausting, even though I am young and pretty fit!), but the 1st level is not at all baby friendly.

Thanks for any advice! I don't want to burn out from the difficult baby and I don't want to quit because I really love the easygoing baby.

[Anonymous]

There are obviously some serious issues going on with the constantly screaming baby. You've got to sit down with BOTH of the parents of this child, and try to get some insight about what's going on at home when you aren't there. Which family is hosting?

[Anonymous]

I have a similar issue in my share. The 11 month old whines all day unless she is being held. She weighs to much for me to constantly be carrying her and its not fair to the easy baby. I let her scream and whine while I need to do things. She just has to realize I can't hold her all day like her mother does.

I would say you absolutely need to get the baby sleep trained, tell the parents it is Mandatory because the other baby is being Neglected. Tell the other family the situation, so they can offer support (no one wants their child deprived of attention). For the screamer maybe set up more interactive activities during the day much like a daycare and move everything to one level. Worst case, quit. Tell the family you like that you would stay with them and help find another family. Tell the screamers family that a nannyshare environment for their child isn't the best solution based on the child's personality. I'm giving my share a few more months before I quit (I need to save money first) unless the baby chills out.

[Anonymous]

Once you have the sit down meeting with these parents, immediately schedule your next meeting in exactly one week. Under these difficult circumstances, I'd be adamant about maintaining a strict weekly meeting schedule. If it's too much for them, or for you, there's probably not much hope of getting this under control. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Let the difficult baby cry and whine, do not respond immediately. She will learn to wait.

[Anonymous]

I'm also dealing with this in my share and I can honestly say the difficult baby is the way he is because his mother I literally engages him every waking moment and caters to every whimper. It's just not possible for me to do and also give equal attention to the other baby. This same mom asked for help with sleep and nap training but can't bring herself to actually implement our plan at night. I'm working on building up his tolerance for independent play and have resigned myself to the fact that he will just have to learn 2 different expectations; one with me and one with his mom.

[Anonymous]

12:09 here. I am also thinking of finding a new job. I can deal with a difficult kid, what I can't deal with is a mom teaching bad habits and making everyone's lives more difficult

[Anonymous]

Too bad that mom seems to have no clue about the consequences to her poor parenting skills.

[Anonymous]

I also had one difficult child in a share. Parents and grandparents responded to every little cry and whine, so she would wine and cry all day. Was a very clingy child.

I just stopped responding to whining (I don't pick up either when they just whine). I sleep trained her and taught her that I won't jump when she whines.
It took me a week or three and it got better.
Now she's pretty adjusted and sleeps nicely and won't whine as much. She's still pretty clingy, but that's because they enable her at home. She knows now that whining won't help her here though.

I think you really need to tough it out with her and teach her your rules.
Also, maybe sit down with the other family, or both. Make it clear that the difficult child takes attention and care away from the non-difficult child. I wouldn't want my child not getting enough attention because of a difficult child in the share. I'm sure they'll wanna know about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let the difficult baby cry and whine, do not respond immediately. She will learn to wait.

+1

[Anonymous]

It doesn't sound like you're doing a very good job if you are flustered by a difficult baby and have no strategies for soothing a child.

The PP who thinks you can teach an 11mo old your 'rules' is foolish. Babies are crying because they need something. It's your job to figure out what they need and how to give it to them.

[Anonymous]

PP, you must never have dealt with a difficult baby. Truly difficult. Beyond the norm. Crying is one thing. Screaming is a completely different thing. I nannied for a baby that age who would scream for seemingly absolutely NO reason. Screaming screaming screaming. It was just his personality. I followed many of the tips given above because otherwise there just wasn't any way to deal with him. He has siblings so his parents certainly couldn't deal with that kind of behavior either. No sleep schedule, wanting to be held all the time, screaming at the slightest delay or upset despite having all basic needs met. Screaming at diaper changes, screaming when put in the stroller. It wasn't a nanny share so I could spend more time than OP will have purposely pausing a moment and not directly responding to the screaming. Things got a lot better with those strategies and also with age. Some babies are just not calm and chilled and that's the way they are, but reacting to their screaming like it's the crisis it sounds like (rather than just normal baby needs which is what it actually is) is just going to reinforce the negative behavior. A baby does NOT need to scream bloody murder while you're making a bottle (I'm talking an 8/9/10/11-month old, not a newborn). Obviously you still make the bottle, but I was literally panicking and rushing until I realized that that was just reinforcing the behavior. Same thing with waking up from a nap. Playing with toys in the crib for a few minutes is developmentally good and sensible for both nanny and baby. When a baby always wakes up screaming you can pretty quickly determine that there's nothing actually wrong, that's just what they are teaching themselves to do. In the end I had a baby who could play with toys, babble away, and wait 5-10 minutes while I finished up chores. Crying and screaming are just 2 totally different things at that age. Crying is communication that you respond to appropriately. Screaming is not necessary and needs to be curbed (gently of course, but curbed).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It doesn't sound like you're doing a very good job if you are flustered by a difficult baby and have no strategies for soothing a child.

The PP who thinks you can teach an 11mo old your 'rules' is foolish. Babies are crying because they need something. It's your job to figure out what they need and how to give it to them.

Seriously, shut up. At 11 months old..they are about to enter toddler range soon. They are more then capable of calming themselves and not screaming over every diaper change, being left alone for a minute, etc.

[Anonymous]

16:27 sounds pathetic. She may even be the negligent parent.

[Anonymous]

In a child development class I took years ago they said that sometimes kids go straight to screaming instead of crying first because they learn that crying is ignored but screening gets them the attention they need. I'm not in any way saying OP if the problem here but is it possible the mother ignores the kid until she's frantic? I also think done kids are mire tightly wound than others and will just go from 0 to 60 without warning.

As far as tips...I usually acknowledge the child...say I hear you, I'm doing xyz and then I will do ABC for you. Even at that she they can understand they're being acknowledged. The screening may not stop immediately but it will help. I am also known for saying relax a lot, as in relax, I'm making your bottle. Or relax I'm changing joes diaper, then I can help you but Relax, it's ok. Sometimes putting on music helps too. I like to have music going throughout the day...could be music together, other not annoying kid music, some not obnoxious music I like, oldies, spa music whatever. But it gives the ears something else to focus on.

I would talk to the parents about figuring out a way to stay on one floor or at most two floors. See if they can make that happen.