Perhaps this is not for me any longer

[Anonymous]

I've been a professional nanny for three years and have loved most of it, especially working with the infants and toddlers. However, I always seem to end up with MB's and DB's that seem to place time with their kids secondary to their social lives and work lives. I realize the need to work outside the home and needing adult time, believe me. However, it seems many of these parents should have thought of how busy they were before deciding to have kids. I don't mind working extra, but sometimes I feel as though I am raising the kids. It makes me sad for the kids and a little bitter towards the parents to be honest. It's like if I can't work some weekend (like last weekend for example) they end up getting a sitter so they can go out, even though they just got back from an adults only 5-day trip to Mexico where I stayed with the kids the whole time. Yes I got paid extra for it and was grateful, but come on, your preschooler is crying cause you're never around and you went out of your way to adopt him when he was born. What was the point if you can't stand being home with them for even a weekend? I definitely think it's time to move on to a new profession before I become even more bitter.

[Anonymous]

That's not really typical. I work part time so I can spend more time with the kids.

If this is important to you, then you should look for it next time you find a family. Find a family where the mom seems engaged or work part time or just need an extra pair of hands because they have 4 kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

My previous family that I was with for 3 years was exactly like that! They went to Hawaii for 11 days (seriously) and I stayed for half the time while grandparents covered the rest. They would ask me every single week to stay fri or sat night for some social event. I got a bit resentful bc I was spending every spare second raising someone else's kids instead of enjoying my 20's. I realize now I should have had a backbone and said no more than yes. You get unbelievably close with children you are spending 50+ hours with a week and it kills you to see how much they are wanting to spend time with their parents and coming second best to the parents social/work lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's not really typical. I work part time so I can spend more time with the kids.

If this is important to you, then you should look for it next time you find a family. Find a family where the mom seems engaged or work part time or just need an extra pair of hands because they have 4 kids, etc.

That is good to know. I am glad you are able to balance it. I do even understand needing two full time incomes. I guess I just feel that those who are constantly traveling for business and pleasure and then still always want to be out with their friends on weekends, may not have thought about what they were signing up for when they had or adopted their kids. I suppose another less busy family might feel better for me. I like feeling like I am part of a team with the parents, not a substitute. I get emotionally attached to the kids and it bothers me when I have to constantly explain why mommy and daddy are gone so much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My previous family that I was with for 3 years was exactly like that! They went to Hawaii for 11 days (seriously) and I stayed for half the time while grandparents covered the rest. They would ask me every single week to stay fri or sat night for some social event. I got a bit resentful bc I was spending every spare second raising someone else's kids instead of enjoying my 20's. I realize now I should have had a backbone and said no more than yes. You get unbelievably close with children you are spending 50+ hours with a week and it kills you to see how much they are wanting to spend time with their parents and coming second best to the parents social/work lives.

Exactly. I barely see the parents either so even talking to them beyond surface level things and anything for more than a couple minutes is impossible.

[Anonymous]

I know it's not an ideal situation for nannies, but perhaps try finding a family with a work at home parent? Most parents WAH specifically so that they can be more available for their children when necessary. If you ask the right questions and have clear boundaries, it doesn't have to be a miserable situation working with the parent in the house

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't mean this as harshly, but you really have no business being concerned with why families have kids or need two incomes or anything related to their lives and decisions. You are professional nanny, paid to care for children when parents are out for whatever reason. It doesn't matter if you don't like the reason...it isn't your business.

If you have trouble with boundaries and you find yourself judging and feeling bitter about decisions that are not yours, then you should absolutely get a new job.

When my boss is out of the office, I cover for her. Sometimes she is out for meetings, sometimes for her kids' activities, sometimes to have long lunches with friends. Whether I think her reasons are good or bad are completely immaterial. My job is to cover when she is gone, end of story. You need to disengage. Or quit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don't mean this as harshly, but you really have no business being concerned with why families have kids or need two incomes or anything related to their lives and decisions. You are professional nanny, paid to care for children when parents are out for whatever reason. It doesn't matter if you don't like the reason...it isn't your business.

If you have trouble with boundaries and you find yourself judging and feeling bitter about decisions that are not yours, then you should absolutely get a new job.

When my boss is out of the office, I cover for her. Sometimes she is out for meetings, sometimes for her kids' activities, sometimes to have long lunches with friends. Whether I think her reasons are good or bad are completely immaterial. My job is to cover when she is gone, end of story. You need to disengage. Or quit.

Yes, but in an office, it's much easier to disengage emotionally. Nannying is a very personal business. Good nannies do become attached to their charges and concerned for their well being, especially when it seems their emotional development is being hindered by HOW OFTEN their parents are absent. It's not so much the reason, it's the amount of time they miss and it affects me because it affects their children. Yes as a professional, I do have to have boundaries, but as a caregiver, I also have to have a heart and be able to emotionally connect to the kids and it's not possible to just ignore something that is hurting them.

[Anonymous]

I have felt the same way at times. In fact, I used to ONLY work (several) part time jobs because of this. Maybe you could find a MWF family and a T/TH family. The parents spend more time with the kids than you do, and the kids are stoked when you come in because it's a "special nanny day". The week goes by faster when you alternate families, especially if one is little kids and one is big kids.

[Anonymous]

OP you may be finding yourself in these types of situations because of the weekly pay amount you are seeking. The reality is that the jobs which pay more are the ones where parents need an insane amount of hours or are willing to pay a high amount to ensure they have a nanny who will always be available and do everything.

There are plenty of nanny positions for 40-45 hours or less or positions with parents that WAH. These positions are not paying as much because the nanny is not as central to the kid's lives and the needs are different.

[Anonymous]

You shouldn't take a job where you are so scornful of the parents. As a PP said, it isn't appropriate for you to judge the parents the way you are. If it isn't the right fit for then find another family with whom you feel more in sync. If you want a position like this because of the money then you need to make peace with that choice and not hold it against your employers.

If they aren't harming their children it's not your business, period. And I don't want someone with whom my children are spending all their time expressing scorn and judgment about me. I want a nanny who reinforces that mommy/daddy love them and are always thinking about them, etc.... A nanny who helps me figure out what my kids need and how I can give it to them. A nanny who is my ally - not my judge.

Find another job or change your attitude. You're not doing the kids any favors either by feeling this way about their parents.

[Anonymous]

I had a job like this for 8 years! I was a live in and did everything. Once the parents were gone for 6 weeks (business stuff). I was young (in my twenties). I never thought the parents were harming the children by being gone (oh and this was before face time and Skype).
I did become a second mom to them which we all agreed was what the family wanted. I took care of the kids, house, pets, cars, appointments, homework, all meals, shopping, clothing, bills etc
The only time it made me sad was when the youngest took his first steps. The determined look on his face!! I still have the photos. But he could have very well done that during the day a parent is just at an office. I am still very close to the family (6 years later) though I don't work for them. We actually became neighbors. They bought a new home a few years back and I rent one less than a block from them.

[Anonymous]

Its not that you are a nanny that is the issue, its the fact that you are working for the wrong families. I think both of the families that I work for have a good life-work balance. One of the parents is always home to put the kids to bed (finish bathtime, ask about kids day, read stories, pre-bed bottle, kiss goodnight ect). They do go out sometimes in the evenings but this is usually after one of them has put the kids to bed. I think adults need adult time too. Also on the weekends they can't wait to do things with the kids, be it a walk to the park, trip to the zoo or just gardening and talking.

I don't really understand having kids if you are never going to see them either. All of my best childhood memories are doing things with my family (like making bread when it rained, or hiking to swim in a waterfall in the summer). I feel sad for these children, and sad that the parents might leave it too late to decide that they really want a relationship with their kids, only to find that their kids no longer want to spend time with them.

I choose to deal with this by working for regular people who have to work (or perceive that they have to work) but want to spend time with their kids, that way I'm not surrounding by something I disagree with, and I think you are less likely to burn out since regular people tend to require less hours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You shouldn't take a job where you are so scornful of the parents. As a PP said, it isn't appropriate for you to judge the parents the way you are. If it isn't the right fit for then find another family with whom you feel more in sync. If you want a position like this because of the money then you need to make peace with that choice and not hold it against your employers.

If they aren't harming their children it's not your business, period. And I don't want someone with whom my children are spending all their time expressing scorn and judgment about me. I want a nanny who reinforces that mommy/daddy love them and are always thinking about them, etc.... A nanny who helps me figure out what my kids need and how I can give it to them. A nanny who is my ally - not my judge.

Find another job or change your attitude. You're not doing the kids any favors either by feeling this way about their parents.

I have a right to be concerned about the emotional well being of their children. I kinda have to. I am there all the time. I actually don't make that awesome of a salary, but it's all right. It pays the bills. I just find this to be a pattern in the jobs I've had and trust me, they are not super high paying. I love the children and that is why I do it. However, I may have reached burn out or like others have suggested, perhaps I need to find employers who are more involved in their children's lives where I feel more like a compliment to them, not a substitute. And yes, they are harming their children...emotionally. That is just as important of an aspect of their development as any other. Don't tell me to change how I feel. If you have absent mom guilt, then that is your issue, so don't tell me how to feel about.

[Anonymous]

Shitty parents.