How to Keep an Emotional Distance with the Family

[Anonymous]

Hi fellow nannies!

I have been a nanny for several years now. I was ( and still am) extremely close with my prior family. I was with them for a number of years. However, I was only part-time, live-out. Therefore, it was easy to keep my emotional distance. Of course I loved the children as if they were my own, but I had my life and the family had theirs.

I have now started a new job (live-in) with a single dad and twin infants -- there is no mother in the picture. I do everything a SAHM would do. I shop for the children's clothes, take them to the doctor, grocery shop and plan classes and activities. The father has an extremely demanding job and usually doesn't see the kids during the week. I basically have free reign. The father and I have always had a great relationship. We clicked instantly and became very close friends. We eat dinner together nightly. I have met all of his friends and family. In fact, he encourages me to come meet his friends and not to just come to babysit the kids. We hang out together some weekend nights and have drinks. We entertain together, etc.


I find myself starting to feel as if I have gotten too close. Usually, I am made to feel as if I truly AM family. We have gotten so close that I have taken on extra responsibilities just to make his life easier -- doing his laundry, packing his lunch, etc. I do not mind doing it so long as he appreciates it and I am continued to be treated the way I have been. Subconsciously, I feel like his wife and the mother of his children. Clearly, I am not. However, there are times when I am made to feel like an employee, and I get hurt. I do not know how to separate myself from being the wife and mother role that I play every day while just being a paid employee. As much as I am treated like family, at the end of the day, I am not.

I find myself no longer wanting to hang out with my friends or date, because I feel like I am already fulfilled. Obviously, that is not healthy. I just don't know how to back off and create a more professional relationship now.

Has anyone ever been in a similar circumstance? How do I put up some emotional boundaries? How do you deal with the fact that you are more of a parent to their children than they are, yet you are just a nanny?

Thanks so much in advance!

[Anonymous]

Oh girl, you should have put up emotion boundaries the DAY you started at that job. But to put it bluntly: you've let shit slide.

In most health nanny/employer relationships, the nanny is not more of a parent to the children.

It sounds like you're sharing in the responsibilities that a mother/wife would without the benefit. He is not your husband, they are not your children. He is a grown man and should be packing his own lunch and doing his own laundry.

That being said - being a single Dad is hard. Especially if he has a demanding job. However, that grunt of care shouldn't have to constantly fall on you. I feel like you are seriously overstepping your boundaries by having dinner with him, having drinks, meeting his family. Do you have romantic feelings for him?

This is largely due to a lot of your decisions. Despite that you have an amicable relationship, you agreed to have dinner with him, have drinks, etc. If you didn't want to overstep your boundaries or keep a distant emotional relationship, why agree to these things? His loneliness and lack of social connection is probably projected onto you.

Unless you want this relationship to continue I really think you need to set some boundaries for yourself. It can be subtle: "sorry, I can't have dinner with you tonight because I have plans", then next week "sorry I can't have dinner because I have a date" ... He will eventually get the hint and hopefully your actions will help it dissolve into something more appropriate.

[Anonymous]

Stop washing his manties and eating dinner and drinks with him. Do not pack his lunch. You were hired to take care of children, not a grown man. You are not a hired companion. At some point, he WILL date, and you will wind up crushed if you don't pull back now.

[Anonymous]

Washing his underwear and making his lunch? You sound creepy. Seriously. He probably thinks its weird too. Are you trying to be like that 'from nanny to family' blogger??

[Anonymous]

OP Here- No romantic feelings. It is my first live in situation, and I think I set the bar too high in the beginning. I wanted to go above and beyond -- as in helping out in other areas such as laundry to make his life easier.

You are all right that I was not hired to do those other tasks or be his companion. It just seems odd to be in the same house and not eat dinner together or watch tv together.

Do other live-in nannies just lock themselves in their rooms when they are off the clock but still home?

And I can assure you I am not trying to be creepy! I was just trying to make his life easier so when he is home, he can spend time with the kids instead of doing menial housework that I can easily do bc I am home all day. Ya know?

[Anonymous]

You need to get out of the house as much as possible. Weeknights and weekends leave as soon as your shift is over. Meet with friends, go to yoga, sit in a coffee shop and read a book. Once you start doing that, you need to politely decline all invitations outside of childcare. Ask for a raise at your review for all the extra work you do, hopefully he'll realize your an employee then.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can relate although my situation is not identical to yours. I am a live-in but not for a single dad, I live in a two parent home with their one child. I have become so close with my MB and DB and charge that, like you, I feel fullfilled and don't really try to get out of the house or do anything else because I'm content staying home and hanging out with them. They treat me like family and expect me to go along on all family trips and outings so it's been really easy for me to sort of fall into this. I can't offer a lot of advice since I am in your same shoes but all I can say is I can relate. I think it's common for live-ins to go through this!

[Anonymous]

Oh no.... this is way too far. I'm a live in & understand how easy it is to be drawn in by the family, but this is a professional relationship. You need to quit doing "extras" like now.

[Anonymous]

OP-
It sounds like you've definitely gotten to close. However, it's not unfixable and I don't think you're crazy or weird for getting so close with/in the family.
Single parents have it hard, and many single Dads are seen as having it harder because, simply, they're the dads (this isn't a good generalization, but still a common opinion).
I know when I start out at a new job, and I really like the parents, I go above and beyond. I started a new job a few months ago, and the parents are considerate, kind, thoughtful, etc etc., and I go way more than the extra mile. They don't expect me to do many of the things I do, but I find myself wanting to because they treat me so well and I feel so comfortable here. So, I can relate to you wanting to do all the 'extras.'
To address another PP, I've never been a live-in, but I'm sure it's hard to sequester yourself in your bedroom just for the sake of 'separation'. - especially when it's just a bedroom, not a separate apartment like some live-ins have.
All that being said, I do think you need to start creating some boundaries. They don't have to be dramatic, sudden, and out of nowhere. AKA, don't make it a big deal, and it won't be. I'm assuming he's never had a nanny, or at least hasn't had one like this situation, and it sounds like you haven't been in a nanny-employer situation like this either. I would talk with him after the kids are sleeping, and bring it up casually and truthfully. Tell him since you've never been a live-in before, you're unsure of how typical relationships like this work, but you do feel like some slight boundaries have been crossed, mainly being your job duties. I would draft up a rough contract (if you don't already have one, you really should) and outline your job duties. You can tell him you've spoken with other nannies as well as nanny agencies and they all agreed on these typical duties. You can then tell him you'll compromise on some of them- for example, throw his laundry in the washer/dryer but you'll no longer be responsible for folding/putting away. Another example, you'll cook dinner at night (if that's what you've been doing) so he can pack some leftovers for lunch the next day.
I hope your not doing deep cleaning on top of all this. If so, please stop now. Before you sit down and discuss this all with him, aside from the live-in nanny research, I would also do some housekeeping research- find out how much a weekly housekeeping service will cost him. By doing research, quoting nanny agencies, drafting up a rough contract, you'll have it all on paper for him to see in case you get nervous to address this all with him.

Another option is, if you're anything like I was when I first started nannying, which is non-confrontational, too agreeable, and no backbone - you could always write up an email and send it to him on a Friday after your work week- or before you go away for a weekend or something. Work on it for a few days- you'll think of stuff throughout the week you want to add in. Make it clear and concise, non-dramatic, and like I said before, show your research (so you don't seem too demanding). Send it and he'll hopefully either respond or bring it up with you Monday. That way, everything you want to say has been said.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you watch tv in your room? And eat dinner with the kids? DB is probably too nice to say that he wants personal space after work!

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids?