"Coming Out" to Employers

[Anonymous]

Hi, I am currently working full-time (40+) for a family of five. I've been with the family for almost a year and Im very happy, this is definitely the best nanny job I've ever had. I watch three children at least 5 days a week, ages 4-months, 19-months, and almost 3 (MB had them *boom* *boom* *boom* right after the other). Both parents are older, MB is in her late 30s and is an NICU nurse, and DB is in his mid 40s and is an anesthesiologist. The family is wonderful, I love the children to bits and the pay is amazing for my area (Austin, Texas). I rarely have any issues, and over all I feel like we are a perfect fit.

However, I am concerned about "coming out" to my employers. I've been in the painfully slow process of coming out for what seems like forever (I'm 22 btw, gay since birth ). All my friends know, selected family members, ect... I'm really a VERY private person, I'm not the "Shout from the rooftop" type of gal. Part of me even questions whether I should? I have never felt the need for an employer to know my sexual orientation, it's personal (not shameful) and not important on a professional level. I also realize that as someone who spends a large quantity of time within their home and caring for their children that they may have a right to know this? Maybe? Honestly, I'm tired of dodging the "Do you have a boyfriend" "Going on a date? Lucky guy" questions. I do worry about how they may react to my sexuality, they seem like pretty chill people, I've never heard a homophobic remark from either, but than again politics and social issues have never come up in my conversation with the two. I am hesitant to do anything, but my heart tells me I should let them know, maybe nonchalantly? I doubt they would outright fire me, but I do live in Texas (not known for being gay-friendly) and they are Catholic, and have mentioned their Faith at times, although they don't seem to openly practice. (I was raised Baptist ya'll, I have nothing against Christians or any non-violent religion, I'm just aware that many religious people have issues with accepting gay people.). I want them to know that I'm not going to like give their kids buzz cuts and force them to listen to the Indigo Girls or anything, I will continue to nurture and care for the children as they do, with love and kindness. I'm just scared, I guess I'm worried they wont't feel comfortable with a "homosexual" watching their little bundles of joy. It's hard for me to gage people's acceptance, and at time that can be terrifying.

I apologize for the novel, any other nannies have a similar experience? Parents: How would you react if your nanny Wanda lesbian?

Thanks, Gemma

[Anonymous]

not their business

[Anonymous]

I agree, not their business.

If you really want to tell them then of course you should. I personally would not choose to say anything- I have great relationships with a few of my past bosses and I've never mentioned it. They may guess/wonder, but none have asked. There's never been a good enough reason to tell a family and risk my job/their judgment, for me. My girlfriend is also a nanny and her family does know, but she is more out in general than I am.

Could you feel them out? Maybe next time they ask about your plans tell them you're doing dinner with a friend and her girlfriend and see if there's any verbal/nonverbal reaction?

Austin is one of the more liberal cities in TX as I understand it, but I'd they are catholic they very well may have a problem with it and want to shelter their children from the possibility of it being mentioned in their presence.

[Anonymous]

Next time they say "Have a date? Lucky guy!" just correct them and say she's a lucky girl. It is not a big deal and not their business, so there is obligation to tell, but they will find out eventually, especially if you are in a LTR, and then it will be awkward.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, I agree with others that it isn't their business or concern.

I do want o point out that I'm in Texas also (Houston) and while Texas might get the stereotype for being more conservative than other areas of the country, the majority of the families I sit for, friends, people I talk to everyday don't have an issue with gay people...hey, we have a gay mayor and most of the people I know are moderate or libs. It isn't all red state (not saying that is a negative thing)

[Anonymous]

Our nanny is gay and I was pretty sure she was the first time we met. It casually come up after that but I don't recall how. It's not my business but it's part of who she is and I would hate if she felt she had to cover it up.

Is there anyway you can judge their openness on this issue? Have you ever heard them say anything about gay marriage or a gay relative?

[Anonymous]

I personally don't think you need to tell them. Your private life is your private life. No explanation needed.

If you feel the NEED to tell them, go for it but your sexual orientation has nothing to do with how great of a nanny you are.

[Anonymous]

My former au pair was with us for two years. She was an awesome au pair and also a friend/family member. Really, it was the ideal that most au pair-host family relationships look like in the brochures. After she left, she came out of the closet to me and it honestly broke my heart a little bit that she didn't feel comfortable telling me earlier.

She certainly had no obligation to "disclose." It wasn't my business as her "employer" but we were/are close and did talk often. She confided in me about her personal life in general.

She knew me well enough to know it wouldn't be an issue, and actually all her friends told her as much while she was here weighing whether to tell or not tell. We even had the "what if your kids were gay" discussion once and I told her that it would only bother me to the extent that they might be unfairly judged by asshats.

So, for me it was a no-brainer that she should have told me sooner, because of our closeness. This may or may not apply for you. I don't know if this is helpful for you but if you do get to the point that you really feel like you know your employers and you really know that they aren't close-minded, really think about mentioning it next time they ask about a boyfriend. To the extent that you don't know their attitude toward homosexuality, though, you are smart to be cautious.

[Anonymous]

I'm 22 as well and I sometimes date girls. I wouldn't come out to my Bosses. Mostly this is because I don't think it is any of their business, and if you are gay or not has no bearing on how good you are at your job. In part I wouldn't bother to tell them because I am a very, very private person and enjoy having separate work and home lives - I wouldn't bother to tell my bosses (and some of my friends) that I was dating a guy, why would I bother to tell them I'm dating a girl.

If you do decide to tell them I would put a few feelers out into the job market I imagine it will go smoothly, but its good to have a back up plan just in case it doesn't go as you would like. I also like the pp posters idea of correcting lucky guy to "luck girl" - this is very casual, and lets them know about your sexuality with out making a big deal out of it. I think this is important since its not a big deal

[Anonymous]

Don't bring it up, it is none of their business.

As a gay person, I think you will frequently encounter people who assume you (as the majority of the population is) are straight, and make comments as such.

The choice here is to smile politely and not really address their questions, or to tell them that you prefer not to discuss your personal (dating) life and hope they leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

I live in San Francisco. On our nanny's second interview, he showed up wearing eyeliner. We think he is bi, but never asked, and it doesn't matter, because our baby's face lights up when she sees him. Who you do all sorts of things with in bed is nobody's business except the person you're doing those things with.

Just ... be out. But I will point out to you, that being out doesn't mean you have to tell everyone either. This shouldn't be the case, but if it is safer for you to stay in, then stay in. It may be illegal in Texas to discriminate based on gay/straight, but that doesn't mean people won't do it.

[Anonymous]

I think its very easy for people who have never had this issue to dismiss it as something you don't need to talk about with an employer. If you're straight I don't think you realize how often references to one's orientation comes up in casual friendly conversation, simply because most assume until corrected that everyone is straight! I don't think its any of their business, but I understand it can feel dishonest if it comes up often enough and you never tell them. I would say to gauge their feeling on the matter, and if you feel comfortable next time they make an assuption politely and casually correct them.

[Anonymous]

I think just like any other employer/employee relationship its not something that you have to disclose. It really depends how much casual conversation you get into and if you feel uncomfortable with them not knowing. Its possible it will just come up one day as well.

Personally if I was an employer its not something I would wonder about or would necessarily want to know. If you tell me, great. If not, great. It wouldn't impact what you do on the job on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Im gay and have only told 1 family I worked for. Thats only b/c I became friends with MB & we're still friends to this day. They should leave your dating life alone-even if you were straight.

[Anonymous]

Nope, none of their business. If you don't mind being out around them, then I just wouldn't hide it if you have a girlfriend, or whatever else you might have tried to hide while not being out. But no reason to actually tell them at all.