Aupair

[Anonymous]

To the person wondering if it harms the children when the au pair leaves - no! Yes, they are part of the family but even at a young age, children are able to understand that an au pair has an identity separate from the family.

For example, au pairs often spend their weekends out with friends, take vacation apart from the family (2 weeks per year) and have their own families back home. So while kids do see the au pair as a “big sister” of sorts, who spends holidays with them and lives in their house, they also understand that it’s a different relationship from mom, dad, “real” sisters. Plus they are (or should be) aware that the au pair only stays 2 years.

If you are concerned about childhood abandonment issues, an au pair is really not going to cause such issue, unless you are in a really unusual situation where the au pair is literally raising the kids and taking the place of mom or dad. That happens occasionally, but it’s not typical... in most cases, the au pair leaving is akin to a child’s favorite friend moving out of the neighborhood. It sucks for a minute but they get over it and it doesn’t cause life long negative implications. (I’m a childhood psychologist).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the person wondering if it harms the children when the au pair leaves - no! Yes, they are part of the family but even at a young age, children are able to understand that an au pair has an identity separate from the family.

For example, au pairs often spend their weekends out with friends, take vacation apart from the family (2 weeks per year) and have their own families back home. So while kids do see the au pair as a “big sister” of sorts, who spends holidays with them and lives in their house, they also understand that it’s a different relationship from mom, dad, “real” sisters. Plus they are (or should be) aware that the au pair only stays 2 years.

If you are concerned about childhood abandonment issues, an au pair is really not going to cause such issue, unless you are in a really unusual situation where the au pair is literally raising the kids and taking the place of mom or dad. That happens occasionally, but it’s not typical... in most cases, the au pair leaving is akin to a child’s favorite friend moving out of the neighborhood. It sucks for a minute but they get over it and it doesn’t cause life long negative implications. (I’m a childhood psychologist).

Do you have any suggestions for how to ease the transition? I am widow with a toddler, and the AP really (within the confines of the hours/schedule of the AP program) is a parent figure, particularly doing the pandemic when there are few other "live" adults in the pod. I am worried it is going to be traumatic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the person wondering if it harms the children when the au pair leaves - no! Yes, they are part of the family but even at a young age, children are able to understand that an au pair has an identity separate from the family.

For example, au pairs often spend their weekends out with friends, take vacation apart from the family (2 weeks per year) and have their own families back home. So while kids do see the au pair as a “big sister” of sorts, who spends holidays with them and lives in their house, they also understand that it’s a different relationship from mom, dad, “real” sisters. Plus they are (or should be) aware that the au pair only stays 2 years.

If you are concerned about childhood abandonment issues, an au pair is really not going to cause such issue, unless you are in a really unusual situation where the au pair is literally raising the kids and taking the place of mom or dad. That happens occasionally, but it’s not typical... in most cases, the au pair leaving is akin to a child’s favorite friend moving out of the neighborhood. It sucks for a minute but they get over it and it doesn’t cause life long negative implications. (I’m a childhood psychologist).

Do you have any suggestions for how to ease the transition? I am widow with a toddler, and the AP really (within the confines of the hours/schedule of the AP program) is a parent figure, particularly doing the pandemic when there are few other "live" adults in the pod. I am worried it is going to be traumatic.

Not PP, but as a live-in nanny who has cared for toddlers and preschoolers 24/7, I get it. There's no getting away from it, but there are things you can do with both APs to ease into it.

With that age, you and the AP need to say the same thing, numerous times. "AP's mommy and daddy miss them so much. When AP leaves next month, they're going to be so happy to see them again! We're going to skype/facetime AP as often as you want, and AP won't ever forget you." and "You get a new friend, AP xyz will be here just before/just after AP leaves! It's going to be so exciting having a new friend to live with us and take care of you! What do you want to do first with them, a or b?" (if your child is old enough to pick)

IME, facetime and skype with little kids is awful. Do it when they ask, but don't expect more than 2-3 minutes, if that, and they won't ask much. Instead, record videos and let them watch themselves showing AP a toy, waving to AP, singing a song. Have the AP send videos back, no more than 3 minutes, and let your child watch them over and over. Watch the video they sent right before they watch the reply video. With that age, short and repetitive is the best for long term memory and attention. You can also ask the new AP to send short 30 second to 1 minute videos to familiarize your toddler with them before they get here. A new video 2-3 times per week and watching the same videos as many times as they want will let your child feel that they know the new AP, at least a little. The more that they feel that they "know" the new AP, the less emotional upheaval there will be switching from a loved AP to someone new.

[Anonymous]

How old is your toddler? Most kids under 3 won’t remember someone much after a couple of weeks. Older than that they’re able to understand things a bit better but it’s not going to traumatic, it’s just a transition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old is your toddler? Most kids under 3 won’t remember someone much after a couple of weeks. Older than that they’re able to understand things a bit better but it’s not going to traumatic, it’s just a transition.

She's a little over three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We had several wonderful au pairs over the years. We are still in touch with them. The au pair program is a wonderful experience. Thanks for sharing.

Wasn’t they’re leaving hard on your kids? I can’t imagine how my child would react to his nanny leaving much less have several over his lifetime. I think it would make him have trust and bonding issues later in life.

I’m sure you’ll tell me that your kids are fine and in Ivy League schools, but I wonder if any studies have been done on it. It’s not like teachers in daycare because this person is in your home and part of your family for a year. And then she’s replaced. And then she’s replaced...

I think you are overthinking what an au pair does. Au pairs are not parents.

My kids always were excited to meet new people and to learn about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your toddler? Most kids under 3 won’t remember someone much after a couple of weeks. Older than that they’re able to understand things a bit better but it’s not going to traumatic, it’s just a transition.

She's a little over three.

I disagree strongly with PP. As I said, btdt with this age. It will be traumatic, because the AP is effectively like a second parent. But I also think that there are things that can be done to lessen the blow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your toddler? Most kids under 3 won’t remember someone much after a couple of weeks. Older than that they’re able to understand things a bit better but it’s not going to traumatic, it’s just a transition.

She's a little over three.

I disagree strongly with PP. As I said, btdt with this age. It will be traumatic, because the AP is effectively like a second parent. But I also think that there are things that can be done to lessen the blow.

What would you recommend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old is your toddler? Most kids under 3 won’t remember someone much after a couple of weeks. Older than that they’re able to understand things a bit better but it’s not going to traumatic, it’s just a transition.

She's a little over three.

I disagree strongly with PP. As I said, btdt with this age. It will be traumatic, because the AP is effectively like a second parent. But I also think that there are things that can be done to lessen the blow.

What would you recommend?

I already made my recommendation at 14.31.

[Anonymous]

Awww that's tough but you will get through it. At that age, your kiddo will be taking cues from you. Make sure you are positive and upbeat about the au pair's departure, and do not treat it as her being "replaced" like you'd replace an object - rather, the au pair is still a wanted part of your lives, she's simply moving on to other things, and making room for a new friend to come in and shower the kiddo with love and affection!

While the au pair is here, make sure you reinforce that you are MOM - the person who will be constant in the kiddo's life - and that the au pair is part of the family, but also has her own life. Talk about how the au pair loves your child, but also that the au pair has her own family.

My kids have seen nannies and au pairs come and go and never seemed too upset by it. I always treated it as a GOOD thing, and my kids seemed to feed off of that. Especially since you are widowed (my condolences), I think it is beneficial for your child to have more than one caregiver in their childhood! I've seen children who only had a single nanny their entire childhood have severe separation anxiety and inability to bond with others. There's extremes on both sides! It'll work out, mama! Hugs if you want them.

[Anonymous]

No, it won’t be traumatic. It may be a tough couple of weeks but it’s not going to traumatize your toddler and leave lasting issues. Pp is overly dramatic.

[Anonymous]

It will be a big deal if you make it one! Talk to your little one throughout the time the AP is with you about the fact that she will be going home to her country to be with her mom and dad after her time with your family. Be positive and excited for her in front of your little one about her return home. Speak openly about how you will miss her but be in touch via facetime. Talk about how the next au pair will do special (different) things with little one. Its all in how YOU approach it. We've had five au pairs starting when my son was 18 months old. NO trauma. We have photos of him with each around our house and he talks fondly about all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It will be a big deal if you make it one! Talk to your little one throughout the time the AP is with you about the fact that she will be going home to her country to be with her mom and dad after her time with your family. Be positive and excited for her in front of your little one about her return home. Speak openly about how you will miss her but be in touch via facetime. Talk about how the next au pair will do special (different) things with little one. Its all in how YOU approach it. We've had five au pairs starting when my son was 18 months old. NO trauma. We have photos of him with each around our house and he talks fondly about all of them.

The difference is that this is a single parent who openly admits that the AP has been more like a second parent.

[Anonymous]

If you are a single parent, please do not expect a young person from overseas to take the place of a second parent. That is way too much for someone that age.

If you really need that kind of relationship for your child, then an au pair is NOT the right choice for you.

I have had several great au pairs over the years and love the program. But you have to know when it fits your situation and when it doesn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are a single parent, please do not expect a young person from overseas to take the place of a second parent. That is way too much for someone that age.

If you really need that kind of relationship for your child, then an au pair is NOT the right choice for you.

I have had several great au pairs over the years and love the program. But you have to know when it fits your situation and when it doesn’t.

It’s already working for her. She’s only asking for help with the transition, and she’s already gotten it.