Lazy or not so sharp?

[Anonymous]

Does it need to be either/or? This appears to be a "yes and" situation. Lazy and not so sharp.

Either way you should address it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg ours does this too. She says she’s too short to reach things. Odd she can get them down but not put them away.

+1

[Anonymous]

Sorry, no advice but my mil used to do this without being asked to unload the dishwasher, of course. Geez, thanks for the help. Artful installation of tupperware on my counter.

[Anonymous]

You can see by the responses that people are seriously off their rockers when it comes to household contributions. I don't know why people- host families included- put the APs on such a pedestal but yet it happens.
My AP's one household job - "member of the family" role- is to take care of the dishes in the dishwasher that takes about 10 minutes or less to load and unload. That includes mine and my husband's (although we eat 2 meals out of the home, so our dishes are nothing).
My own household contributions- that include the AP- I cook her every dinner unless I am treating her to a restaurant meal, I clean up the entire kitchen before and after I make these meals - including wiping off the counters that she always leaves messy
after making other meals during the day. I wash the table, I set the table. (The kids do much of this but are young so not very well and I go behind them). I go to the store to bring home all the food and sundry items that she eats or uses. I pay for the cleaning lady to vacuum and deep clean her room along with the rest of the house. I vacuum the floors if needed between weekly housekeeper visits. I pick up the constant clutter - kid or otherwise. I do myself, or pay for the yard care. I am constantly putting away things in every room of the house. I do all of the pet care- and yes, I completely realize that this is not an AP job which is why I do it, but of course during interviews she assured us that she loved pets and hoped she could be involved in their care. She sure loves the fun part of having pets, just doesn't want to lift a finger when it comes to caring for them. My husband takes out all of her trash along with ours, we provide the care for her provided car. The home and yard she is living in is completely cleaned and maintained -either physically or financially- by 2 people with full time jobs and the children who make their own contribution , and she comfortably sits on her ass after being scheduled 20-30 hours a week, avoiding the one thing that she is asked to do as a member of the family.
It is definitely the case that when APs are looking for families to be a "member" of, they mean they want to join for free to all the movies, vacations, outings, restaurants, theme parks.... they want to be left out of nothing- except the contributions which suddenly upend the whole thing making them "slaves". I know some families are lucky enough to have an AP who notices all the efforts the family goes to for them to feel at home, and those APs are found vacuuming, cooking meals for the entire FAMILY, making the HM a mother's day or birthday card. It is sad that the FB groups for APs are more about how to be a good aupair who families want to provide bonuses too and less about how they are slaves if they put away a glass used by the host dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can see by the responses that people are seriously off their rockers when it comes to household contributions. I don't know why people- host families included- put the APs on such a pedestal but yet it happens.
My AP's one household job - "member of the family" role- is to take care of the dishes in the dishwasher that takes about 10 minutes or less to load and unload. That includes mine and my husband's (although we eat 2 meals out of the home, so our dishes are nothing).
My own household contributions- that include the AP- I cook her every dinner unless I am treating her to a restaurant meal, I clean up the entire kitchen before and after I make these meals - including wiping off the counters that she always leaves messy
after making other meals during the day. I wash the table, I set the table. (The kids do much of this but are young so not very well and I go behind them). I go to the store to bring home all the food and sundry items that she eats or uses. I pay for the cleaning lady to vacuum and deep clean her room along with the rest of the house. I vacuum the floors if needed between weekly housekeeper visits. I pick up the constant clutter - kid or otherwise. I do myself, or pay for the yard care. I am constantly putting away things in every room of the house. I do all of the pet care- and yes, I completely realize that this is not an AP job which is why I do it, but of course during interviews she assured us that she loved pets and hoped she could be involved in their care. She sure loves the fun part of having pets, just doesn't want to lift a finger when it comes to caring for them. My husband takes out all of her trash along with ours, we provide the care for her provided car. The home and yard she is living in is completely cleaned and maintained -either physically or financially- by 2 people with full time jobs and the children who make their own contribution , and she comfortably sits on her ass after being scheduled 20-30 hours a week, avoiding the one thing that she is asked to do as a member of the family.
It is definitely the case that when APs are looking for families to be a "member" of, they mean they want to join for free to all the movies, vacations, outings, restaurants, theme parks.... they want to be left out of nothing- except the contributions which suddenly upend the whole thing making them "slaves". I know some families are lucky enough to have an AP who notices all the efforts the family goes to for them to feel at home, and those APs are found vacuuming, cooking meals for the entire FAMILY, making the HM a mother's day or birthday card. It is sad that the FB groups for APs are more about how to be a good aupair who families want to provide bonuses too and less about how they are slaves if they put away a glass used by the host dad.

Correction that should be at the end: It is sad that the FB groups are NOT more about how to be a good aupair....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can see by the responses that people are seriously off their rockers when it comes to household contributions. I don't know why people- host families included- put the APs on such a pedestal but yet it happens.
My AP's one household job - "member of the family" role- is to take care of the dishes in the dishwasher that takes about 10 minutes or less to load and unload. That includes mine and my husband's (although we eat 2 meals out of the home, so our dishes are nothing).
My own household contributions- that include the AP- I cook her every dinner unless I am treating her to a restaurant meal, I clean up the entire kitchen before and after I make these meals - including wiping off the counters that she always leaves messy
after making other meals during the day. I wash the table, I set the table. (The kids do much of this but are young so not very well and I go behind them). I go to the store to bring home all the food and sundry items that she eats or uses. I pay for the cleaning lady to vacuum and deep clean her room along with the rest of the house. I vacuum the floors if needed between weekly housekeeper visits. I pick up the constant clutter - kid or otherwise. I do myself, or pay for the yard care. I am constantly putting away things in every room of the house. I do all of the pet care- and yes, I completely realize that this is not an AP job which is why I do it, but of course during interviews she assured us that she loved pets and hoped she could be involved in their care. She sure loves the fun part of having pets, just doesn't want to lift a finger when it comes to caring for them. My husband takes out all of her trash along with ours, we provide the care for her provided car. The home and yard she is living in is completely cleaned and maintained -either physically or financially- by 2 people with full time jobs and the children who make their own contribution , and she comfortably sits on her ass after being scheduled 20-30 hours a week, avoiding the one thing that she is asked to do as a member of the family.
It is definitely the case that when APs are looking for families to be a "member" of, they mean they want to join for free to all the movies, vacations, outings, restaurants, theme parks.... they want to be left out of nothing- except the contributions which suddenly upend the whole thing making them "slaves". I know some families are lucky enough to have an AP who notices all the efforts the family goes to for them to feel at home, and those APs are found vacuuming, cooking meals for the entire FAMILY, making the HM a mother's day or birthday card. It is sad that the FB groups for APs are more about how to be a good aupair who families want to provide bonuses too and less about how they are slaves if they put away a glass used by the host dad.

You're being way too nice. APs are not "guests". If they want to be treated like family members they should act like family members. Before dinner, ask her to help the kids set the table (even if all they're doing is putting a napkin and fork at each place). Or, after dinner ask her to wipe off the table. She should not just show up, eat and disappear.
She picks up kid clutter.
She takes out the trash when it's full, and she takes the car to get gas when it's out.
If these aren't being done, it's time for a reset conversation where you go over all of this. Have a daily checklist if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a simple enough task to be messing up so royally, but she may be trying to passive aggressively remind your that she is not responsible for general household chores. You can ask her to load and unload (or hand wash) her own dishes and the children's dishes, but technically you're not supposed to ask her to do any other household chores

She absolutely can unload the dishwasher 5 days per week as part of the family. This has worked great for us with over 10 years of hosting. Au Pair doesn't cook dinner (unless she wants to...some have and some have not), she doesn't clean up after dinner (the kids clear the table and load the dishwasher, husband or I do the pots and pans or other handwashing), at this age my kids load the dishwasher themselves after breakfast and after school (and so do my husband and I with our coffee cups in the morning). Unloading is doing a share of the adult work in the house around food and eating....and it's less than 1/3 of the adult work around these tasks.

Should I refuse to pour her a cup of coffee when I've made it because technically I don't owe her coffee?? Or if I'm making pancakes I hand her the spatula and tell her to make her own (I have to provide her food, I don't have to cook it!) NO! That's ridiculous. Household tasks as part of the family are absolutely reasonable in the program. My kids are expected to do a reasonable share of the work too. We don't expect her to wait on us but we aren't going to wait on her either.

This is wrong. And you are not comparing apples to oranges.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seems like a simple enough task to be messing up so royally, but she may be trying to passive aggressively remind your that she is not responsible for general household chores. You can ask her to load and unload (or hand wash) her own dishes and the children's dishes, but technically you're not supposed to ask her to do any other household chores

She absolutely can unload the dishwasher 5 days per week as part of the family. This has worked great for us with over 10 years of hosting. Au Pair doesn't cook dinner (unless she wants to...some have and some have not), she doesn't clean up after dinner (the kids clear the table and load the dishwasher, husband or I do the pots and pans or other handwashing), at this age my kids load the dishwasher themselves after breakfast and after school (and so do my husband and I with our coffee cups in the morning). Unloading is doing a share of the adult work in the house around food and eating....and it's less than 1/3 of the adult work around these tasks.

Should I refuse to pour her a cup of coffee when I've made it because technically I don't owe her coffee?? Or if I'm making pancakes I hand her the spatula and tell her to make her own (I have to provide her food, I don't have to cook it!) NO! That's ridiculous. Household tasks as part of the family are absolutely reasonable in the program. My kids are expected to do a reasonable share of the work too. We don't expect her to wait on us but we aren't going to wait on her either.

This is wrong. And you are not comparing apples to oranges.

DP but it seems right to me. The HF aren't the APs slaves either.

[Anonymous]

NP and it’s not wrong.
If my AP wants to be treated strictly like an employee and a roommate then I’m fine with that. But then she can cook her own dinner and make her own coffee and entertain herself every evening and weekend.
If she’d rather be a part of the family then she needs to contribute like a family member. She can’t be assigned menial chores but emptying the dishwasher is completely acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP and it’s not wrong.
If my AP wants to be treated strictly like an employee and a roommate then I’m fine with that. But then she can cook her own dinner and make her own coffee and entertain herself every evening and weekend.
If she’d rather be a part of the family then she needs to contribute like a family member. She can’t be assigned menial chores but emptying the dishwasher is completely acceptable.

Absolutely, if they want to treat my home like a hostel, then get your own food, cook it yourself,get your own transportation