Asian au pairs

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

NP. Because I do not change my entire eating habits for my AP. We do ask our AP about food and we discuss what we typically eat during the matching process. While I do accommodate certain food preferences (such as not eating mushrooms, etc.), I do not out of sudden learn how to cook Asian food.

So, you will not change your entire eating habits but you expect her to? Nice.

No way would I change my eating habits. Not even in the realm of possibilities. Will we have fun and try things with AP from their homeland? Sure.

I would rematch in a heartbeat if an AP wanted me to cook their food for them; they are coming here to live in America and I am hosting them to provide them a safe, fun experience and learn a bit about them. Not recreate their country of origin in America.

I seriously doubt you have hosted an AP or even have a clue about the program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

NP. Because I do not change my entire eating habits for my AP. We do ask our AP about food and we discuss what we typically eat during the matching process. While I do accommodate certain food preferences (such as not eating mushrooms, etc.), I do not out of sudden learn how to cook Asian food.

So, you will not change your entire eating habits but you expect her to? Nice.

No way would I change my eating habits. Not even in the realm of possibilities. Will we have fun and try things with AP from their homeland? Sure.

I would rematch in a heartbeat if an AP wanted me to cook their food for them; they are coming here to live in America and I am hosting them to provide them a safe, fun experience and learn a bit about them. Not recreate their country of origin in America.

I seriously doubt you have hosted an AP or even have a clue about the program.

It doesn't sound like the AP is demanding the host cook her food. It sounds like the host is demanding she eat what is served regardless of preference/taste. Maybe host is horrible cook. Host is demanding she eat with them multiple nights a week. AP is cooking her own food and that is not good enough for host. When I have someone in our house we take into account preferences and will cook based off those preferences. But, then again, we eat a lot of Asian food so that would be great for us. You both need to be flexible.

[Anonymous]

How in the world would an AP know if she is going to like American food or not before coming? Sure she can get some American type foods in her home country, but you truly have no idea how much you will / will not like the food until you get here (just like I would not be able to judge how Chinese food would taste in China based on my love for PF Chang’s one America . So yes, your AP should be open to trying American foods, but she should not be forced to eat American food 4 nights a week (this does *not* mean that you have to cook something different for the AP, she is an adult and can manage cooking on her own. This also does *not* mean that she can’t eat dinner with you guys - it simply means that her dinner might include a mix of American and Asian foods, or some nights all Asian foods).

I’m a 5th year HM, and some of you sound extremely difficult and ridiculous. I feel sorry for your AP’s. Try to extend a little empathy, and look at them as if they were your niece or daughter. If my child went to Hong Kong to live a family for a year, I would expect her to be gracious and try a ton of the native foods, but I would never want someone to force her to eat those foods every night if she truly did not like them. This is not an “eat your vegetables” type of situation (like when you’re dealing with kids).

Lastly, you do not have to learn how to cook Chinese food (or Thai, etc) - though that would be nice, but you can suggest that one night a week she cooks an Asian meal for the family.

Please stop being so rigid :/.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How in the world would an AP know if she is going to like American food or not before coming? Sure she can get some American type foods in her home country, but you truly have no idea how much you will / will not like the food until you get here (just like I would not be able to judge how Chinese food would taste in China based on my love for PF Chang’s one America . So yes, your AP should be open to trying American foods, but she should not be forced to eat American food 4 nights a week (this does *not* mean that you have to cook something different for the AP, she is an adult and can manage cooking on her own. This also does *not* mean that she can’t eat dinner with you guys - it simply means that her dinner might include a mix of American and Asian foods, or some nights all Asian foods).

I’m a 5th year HM, and some of you sound extremely difficult and ridiculous. I feel sorry for your AP’s. Try to extend a little empathy, and look at them as if they were your niece or daughter. If my child went to Hong Kong to live a family for a year, I would expect her to be gracious and try a ton of the native foods, but I would never want someone to force her to eat those foods every night if she truly did not like them. This is not an “eat your vegetables” type of situation (like when you’re dealing with kids).

Lastly, you do not have to learn how to cook Chinese food (or Thai, etc) - though that would be nice, but you can suggest that one night a week she cooks an Asian meal for the family.

Please stop being so rigid :/.

PP here who did not want to learn to cook Asian food. This discussion is pure academic for me at this point, because we have not hosted an asian AP yet, but let me tell you, I'd be thrilled if my AP made dinner one week. No matter how simple and how different from what I cook, I'd be SOOOO happy. In 3 years of hosting, this happened once. And boy was I grateful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

OP. Because I refuse to change EVERY SINGLE MEAL to Asian food. She can make and have her rice with breakfast and lunch. She sometimes pulls it out as a side to whatever dinner we're having. But part of being an au pair here shouldn't just be about getting a visa. We make it clear that au pairs need to be open to trying new foods and "American" experiences. We also make it clear that we have expectations for weekday family dinners, so no, she cannot skip out on dinner and eat her own thing later. This fits better with European au pairs who also have this expectation, but I don't see how it's such a terrible imposition to make our au pair join us for a family dinner at a minimum of 4 nights a week.

During working hours, sure, she can be forced to be at the table helping, but she can also eat later once she’s off the clock. And if she’s not working, she doesn’t even need to be at the table.

[Anonymous]

This comes off as very ignorant and I'm surprised that anyone dignified it with a response.

[Anonymous]

OP back. I’m surprised at the direction this entire conversation went. We had prior European au pairs that stressed the importance of family dinners, which is why it became an explicit expectation, but only for weekdays. We’ve learned to state the obvious in our handbook rather than assuming. “Family dinner” is more about the time to connect rather than just food.

I’m also a very good cook and have phases of interest in other cuisines, so I can make Chinese, Thai, and Indian. Prior au pairs have been very happy with my cooking and willingly ate leftovers for lunch all the time (yes, they had other options).

No, I still don’t think I need to make an Asian dinner every night. Our au pair stayed she wanted to try hamburgers for the first time when she arrived. To me, this means she has no idea what American food is like and has not really tried any of it. We do not force feed her things she doesn’t like. We tell all of our au pairs that we expect them to try new foods and also set an example for picky toddlers who might whine they don’t like something without even trying a single bite. Yes, we do explicitly use this example because our au pair should be another adult, not a toddler in terms of trying new food or eating vegetables.

Overall, I do think it’s more of an attitude problem that’s mostly ok to live with. She’s here because of the opportunity to make more money in America if she can figure out a way to obtain another visa, not that she really wanted to leave her home country and live the American experience.

[Anonymous]

It should be a cultural experience for both of you and you are making it one sided. She is not your child so a family dinner should be her choice, not yours. Its nice to invite her but it should not be forced nor should she be forced to try new things like your toddler. You saying you are a very good cook is subjective as if it does meet her tastes, she may feel differently. Why can't she cook for herself with her food preferences? How would you feel to be forced to eat food unfamiliar to you every night that is very different from your normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It should be a cultural experience for both of you and you are making it one sided. She is not your child so a family dinner should be her choice, not yours. Its nice to invite her but it should not be forced nor should she be forced to try new things like your toddler. You saying you are a very good cook is subjective as if it does meet her tastes, she may feel differently. Why can't she cook for herself with her food preferences? How would you feel to be forced to eat food unfamiliar to you every night that is very different from your normal?

We are very clear during matching that attendance at family dinner and trying new food is mandatory. This is the best we can do to lay out expectations in advance. If she really felt “forced,” she should not have matched with us. She also has the option of trying something and actually saying she doesn’t like it, then getting something else later. She has not chosen to do this yet.

Food is a single aspect of cultural exchange, so saying our relationship is one sided is judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It should be a cultural experience for both of you and you are making it one sided. She is not your child so a family dinner should be her choice, not yours. Its nice to invite her but it should not be forced nor should she be forced to try new things like your toddler. You saying you are a very good cook is subjective as if it does meet her tastes, she may feel differently. Why can't she cook for herself with her food preferences? How would you feel to be forced to eat food unfamiliar to you every night that is very different from your normal?

We are very clear during matching that attendance at family dinner and trying new food is mandatory. This is the best we can do to lay out expectations in advance. If she really felt “forced,” she should not have matched with us. She also has the option of trying something and actually saying she doesn’t like it, then getting something else later. She has not chosen to do this yet.

Food is a single aspect of cultural exchange, so saying our relationship is one sided is judgmental.

She is not your child and should not be forced to try new things. She probably doesn't like your cooking. If you want her to try your foods, you should be equally open to trying hers. It goes both ways in terms of a cultural exchange. Your family diner should include your spouse and kids. Her joining you is optional. She is your au pair, not your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It should be a cultural experience for both of you and you are making it one sided. She is not your child so a family dinner should be her choice, not yours. Its nice to invite her but it should not be forced nor should she be forced to try new things like your toddler. You saying you are a very good cook is subjective as if it does meet her tastes, she may feel differently. Why can't she cook for herself with her food preferences? How would you feel to be forced to eat food unfamiliar to you every night that is very different from your normal?

We are very clear during matching that attendance at family dinner and trying new food is mandatory. This is the best we can do to lay out expectations in advance. If she really felt “forced,” she should not have matched with us. She also has the option of trying something and actually saying she doesn’t like it, then getting something else later. She has not chosen to do this yet.

Food is a single aspect of cultural exchange, so saying our relationship is one sided is judgmental.

She is not your child and should not be forced to try new things. She probably doesn't like your cooking. If you want her to try your foods, you should be equally open to trying hers. It goes both ways in terms of a cultural exchange. Your family diner should include your spouse and kids. Her joining you is optional. She is your au pair, not your child.

This is ridiculous. Our APs live as part of our family. Adults, yes, but part of the family. Family dinners during the week are our expectations too and my kids are picky so we always have an easy win option like pasta, bread, fruit, rice. If AP hates the food she can eat the stuff she likes and supplement later. We ask her to cook once per week and happily try whatever she makes. We expect the same in return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It should be a cultural experience for both of you and you are making it one sided. She is not your child so a family dinner should be her choice, not yours. Its nice to invite her but it should not be forced nor should she be forced to try new things like your toddler. You saying you are a very good cook is subjective as if it does meet her tastes, she may feel differently. Why can't she cook for herself with her food preferences? How would you feel to be forced to eat food unfamiliar to you every night that is very different from your normal?

We are very clear during matching that attendance at family dinner and trying new food is mandatory. This is the best we can do to lay out expectations in advance. If she really felt “forced,” she should not have matched with us. She also has the option of trying something and actually saying she doesn’t like it, then getting something else later. She has not chosen to do this yet.

Food is a single aspect of cultural exchange, so saying our relationship is one sided is judgmental.

She is not your child and should not be forced to try new things. She probably doesn't like your cooking. If you want her to try your foods, you should be equally open to trying hers. It goes both ways in terms of a cultural exchange. Your family diner should include your spouse and kids. Her joining you is optional. She is your au pair, not your child.

So we’re back to the “au pairs can pick and choose when to be part of the family” argument.