Asian au pairs

[Anonymous]

I never wanted an Asian au pair because of various stereotypes (such as doesn’t like to eat dinner with the family because she wants only Asian foods), but we ended up with one during rematch. I’m getting the feeling she’s here because she does like kids but ultimately it was a way to get a visa. My husband said she asked about how hard would it be to apply for a different visa to stay after the end of her year. I’m surprised because she has about 9 months left but good for her for thinking ahead. We’ve invested a lot of money for driving lessons with the hope she’d be interested in an extension and we’re burned out from rematching.

That being said... what makes Asian au pairs happy? We still require her to eat dinner with us, but she eats Asian food the rest of her meals. She doesn’t really go out, but hasn’t made too many friends here yet. She mentioned another Asian au pair from the training academy is in rematch and would like to come to our area, so maybe she’s looking for other Asian friends? She’s not homesick or a partier, and also isn’t really a traveler (sends money home).

Our last two APs were more “typical”. For example, I could give them a Starbucks gift card for a treat. This one doesn’t seem interested in the “American experience” nor seems to need anything.

[Anonymous]

We have hosted 3 Thai Au Pairs (one who extended), 1 French, 1 Croatian, 1 Estonian. We love the Thai au pairs.

We did family dinner 2x per week but otherwise let them have their Thai foods (one of the 2 family meals they cooked for us. Usually a stir fry or similar). We gave $25/week allowance for foods from the Asian market and got bulk rice and frozen chicken from Costco.

For gifts we gave cash and movie tickets.

The Thai au pairs had a nice community and all 3 genuinely loved our kids. We FaceTime monthly with the 2 back home (one got married and still lives here). Less so the other 3 although things were fine.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the AP program is purely a transaction to her and not a warm and fuzzy US cultural experience of a lifetime.

If she is a saver, not a partier and sends money home, then cash would be far better than anything else you can give her to keep her happy.

[Anonymous]

I have hosted 3 au pairs from Korea, two from Thailand, and one from China. I stereotypes are somewhat useful -- but not "Asian" -- these really are 3 very distinct countries with distinct economic conditions, cuisine, etc. Please don't lump them together. I have found the girls from each country to be very different.

In my experience, Thai au pairs are most likely to come in homes of gaining entry to the country... this makes some sense, as it is the poorest of the 3 countries listed above, and economic opportunities in the home country are limited. Some Thai au pairs are very good with children, especially babies, but choose carefully. I have found that they are happiest eating Thai food. Both our Thai au pairs tried hard to eat with us, but despite their polite efforts, I could tell my food seemed bland and gross to them. It doesn't mean they're not "interested" in being part of the family -- its just that they can't stomach the food. Both our Thai au pairs required serious driving lessons... and one rematched halfway through the year to jump to a student visa and pursue other options. Another challenge with Thai au pairs is that the country tends to be strongly Buddhist. This I think forms the basis for the quiet, gentle, nature of many of the girls -- but can also present communication problems -- many will view you as the "boss" -- someone who is not to be disappointed, or even challenged -- so they won't always feel comfortable telling you if things aren't going well.

2 of our 3 Korean au pairs seemed to really want to learn English and American culture so that they could use it in their business endeavors back home. (1 Korean au pair was sent home after a week due to horrendous driving). One of our best au pairs was Korean, with a childhood education major, who wanted to perfect her English because it would put her in high demand back home. She was wonderful -- she also had grown up near a U.S. army base, so she had some exposure to American food before she got here, and had a more adventurous palate.

We had one Chinese au pair -- a nice girl -- but also had driving trouble, and a bit of a narrow viewpoint. She was open to learning about America, but persisted in believing that everything about China was better. But it was quite a cultural exchange while it lasted --(ultimately she rematched to a non-driving family) -- our discussions about government were eye-opening.

So-- do your research -- but I really think viewing each country independently is wise.

[Anonymous]

Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

NP. Because I do not change my entire eating habits for my AP. We do ask our AP about food and we discuss what we typically eat during the matching process. While I do accommodate certain food preferences (such as not eating mushrooms, etc.), I do not out of sudden learn how to cook Asian food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

OP. Because I refuse to change EVERY SINGLE MEAL to Asian food. She can make and have her rice with breakfast and lunch. She sometimes pulls it out as a side to whatever dinner we're having. But part of being an au pair here shouldn't just be about getting a visa. We make it clear that au pairs need to be open to trying new foods and "American" experiences. We also make it clear that we have expectations for weekday family dinners, so no, she cannot skip out on dinner and eat her own thing later. This fits better with European au pairs who also have this expectation, but I don't see how it's such a terrible imposition to make our au pair join us for a family dinner at a minimum of 4 nights a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

OP. Because I refuse to change EVERY SINGLE MEAL to Asian food. She can make and have her rice with breakfast and lunch. She sometimes pulls it out as a side to whatever dinner we're having. But part of being an au pair here shouldn't just be about getting a visa. We make it clear that au pairs need to be open to trying new foods and "American" experiences. We also make it clear that we have expectations for weekday family dinners, so no, she cannot skip out on dinner and eat her own thing later. This fits better with European au pairs who also have this expectation, but I don't see how it's such a terrible imposition to make our au pair join us for a family dinner at a minimum of 4 nights a week.

Culture exchange also means you will learn and try hinges from her culture. But I totally agree. I love Chinese food but not every day.

[Anonymous]

We don't force our au pair to eat dinner with us. We invite her to eat with us and when she wants to and can, she does join us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

NP. Because I do not change my entire eating habits for my AP. We do ask our AP about food and we discuss what we typically eat during the matching process. While I do accommodate certain food preferences (such as not eating mushrooms, etc.), I do not out of sudden learn how to cook Asian food.

So, you will not change your entire eating habits but you expect her to? Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

OP. Because I refuse to change EVERY SINGLE MEAL to Asian food. She can make and have her rice with breakfast and lunch. She sometimes pulls it out as a side to whatever dinner we're having. But part of being an au pair here shouldn't just be about getting a visa. We make it clear that au pairs need to be open to trying new foods and "American" experiences. We also make it clear that we have expectations for weekday family dinners, so no, she cannot skip out on dinner and eat her own thing later. This fits better with European au pairs who also have this expectation, but I don't see how it's such a terrible imposition to make our au pair join us for a family dinner at a minimum of 4 nights a week.

The cultural exchange goes both ways. You need to be open to trying new foods and the "asian" experience. She can skip out for dinner. She is an adult and basically an employee and shouldn't be forced to eat what you demand every night. She isn't a child nor is she your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

NP. Because I do not change my entire eating habits for my AP. We do ask our AP about food and we discuss what we typically eat during the matching process. While I do accommodate certain food preferences (such as not eating mushrooms, etc.), I do not out of sudden learn how to cook Asian food.

So, you will not change your entire eating habits but you expect her to? Nice.

I am very clear in the matching process about what we eat. So, if that's not ok for the AP, she can go to a different family. This is why the matching process exists, so that AP and HFs can find a good fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

NP. Because I do not change my entire eating habits for my AP. We do ask our AP about food and we discuss what we typically eat during the matching process. While I do accommodate certain food preferences (such as not eating mushrooms, etc.), I do not out of sudden learn how to cook Asian food.

So, you will not change your entire eating habits but you expect her to? Nice.

I am very clear in the matching process about what we eat. So, if that's not ok for the AP, she can go to a different family. This is why the matching process exists, so that AP and HFs can find a good fit.

Why should she be forced to eat your meals 4 nights a week? What you eat is fine. She should not be forced to eat your meals if she doesn't like what you choose or how you cook. She should rematch as you sound very difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

NP. Because I do not change my entire eating habits for my AP. We do ask our AP about food and we discuss what we typically eat during the matching process. While I do accommodate certain food preferences (such as not eating mushrooms, etc.), I do not out of sudden learn how to cook Asian food.

So, you will not change your entire eating habits but you expect her to? Nice.

NP here
She's the one choosing to come to the US. If I chose to go to another country, I'd expect to conform to the other country's eat habits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why can't she have asian food at family dinners? Why can't you eat it?

NP. Because I do not change my entire eating habits for my AP. We do ask our AP about food and we discuss what we typically eat during the matching process. While I do accommodate certain food preferences (such as not eating mushrooms, etc.), I do not out of sudden learn how to cook Asian food.

So, you will not change your entire eating habits but you expect her to? Nice.

NP here
She's the one choosing to come to the US. If I chose to go to another country, I'd expect to conform to the other country's eat habits.

Why are you hosting when you are this difficult? Part of hosting is to respect other cultures and instill that respect in your kids. She doesn't like your food or cooking and that is ok. A decent host would care.