I hate my charge’s grandmother!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ALWAYS negotiate visiting/FaceTiming relatives in my contracts. My theory is this: a child can never be harmed by many people giving unconditional love, but conditional love and jealousy/resentment can harm a child very quickly, no matter who is doing it. If ANYONE in my charge’s life demonstrates that they don’t understand the difference, I explain; if they don’t agree, I won’t be a part of that relationship, and that means no FaceTime or visits while I’m present. Any adult who understands and agrees is welcome to visit/FaceTime. If I know the adult gets 2 weeks or less with the child during a year, I will make changes to our schedule to accommodate (instead of going to a standing play date, let’s go to the park with grandpa today); if they visit more than that, the adult is welcome to join us for our schedule and I do my best to make smaller changes (we’re going to the standing play date, but grandma can help do the craft, and I’ll do clean up for everyone while grandma and other kids/nannies go play or eat snack). I fit irregular FaceTime calls in whenever they come in, unless it interrupts meals or naps; I prefer to set up block of time 2-3 times per week for regular FaceTime calls, that way adults know when it’s a good time, and that way kids aren’t locked into one time and upset when life happens.

This will go in my next contract. I have frequently visiting grandparents and I hate the grandfather. He calls my little boy charge “a girl” when he cries or is afraid of something. My charge is only 16 months!! Grandpa wants him to be tough and takes away all his stuffed animals! I am definitely in charge however and we always butt heads. It is miserable.

[Anonymous]

My mom lives with us, and the nanny never mentioned any problems with the arrangement. They figure things out between them. The nanny gets a break when grandma takes DS to the park or reads him a story. You can always use an extra pair of hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us, and the nanny never mentioned any problems with the arrangement. They figure things out between them. The nanny gets a break when grandma takes DS to the park or reads him a story. You can always use an extra pair of hands.

No, actually, sometimes the other pair of hands gets in the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us, and the nanny never mentioned any problems with the arrangement. They figure things out between them. The nanny gets a break when grandma takes DS to the park or reads him a story. You can always use an extra pair of hands.

Not if the extra pair of hands are actively working against you at worst, or painfully unaware at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us, and the nanny never mentioned any problems with the arrangement. They figure things out between them. The nanny gets a break when grandma takes DS to the park or reads him a story. You can always use an extra pair of hands.

First, no on the extra set of hands. The old adage of too many cooks spoiling the broth is closer to the truth.

Second, I can only assume your nanny knew your mother was going to be there when interviewing for the position.

Third, I would never have accepted your job. You’re lucky to have found your nanny - treat her well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us, and the nanny never mentioned any problems with the arrangement. They figure things out between them. The nanny gets a break when grandma takes DS to the park or reads him a story. You can always use an extra pair of hands.

If you were upfront about your mom being there everyday and your mom is cooperative, it can be amazing. If you weren’t upfront, I’d walk immediately. If your mom wasn’t cooperative, I would have stayed two weeks to try to work it out, then cut my losses. No, an extra pair of hands for only one child is NOT necessary!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another nanny and I were talking about the same thing - how we are going to start to ask in interviews where the grandmothers live. If in town, pass on the job.

Grandparents shouldn’t be around when the nanny is there anyway. Visit your grandchild when the parents are home.

That's ridiculous. My in-laws live locally and my MIL would come stay with us sometimes when my husband was gone on work trips. My nanny got along with her just fine (we have moved but the same is true now, although they live farther away). My MIL has never done something like the OP is saying (and I wouldn't let her be there with my kids if she did). So never told the nanny she was doing something wrong, never commented on how she would have done it, and never gossiped with me about anything the nanny said or did during the day. But go ahead and discount all families who have local grandparents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another nanny and I were talking about the same thing - how we are going to start to ask in interviews where the grandmothers live. If in town, pass on the job.

Grandparents shouldn’t be around when the nanny is there anyway. Visit your grandchild when the parents are home.

That's ridiculous. My in-laws live locally and my MIL would come stay with us sometimes when my husband was gone on work trips. My nanny got along with her just fine (we have moved but the same is true now, although they live farther away). My MIL has never done something like the OP is saying (and I wouldn't let her be there with my kids if she did). So never told the nanny she was doing something wrong, never commented on how she would have done it, and never gossiped with me about anything the nanny said or did during the day. But go ahead and discount all families who have local grandparents.

Thanks for your “permission”. I will ask about local and retired grandparents and not accept a position if they have them. Never again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another nanny and I were talking about the same thing - how we are going to start to ask in interviews where the grandmothers live. If in town, pass on the job.

Grandparents shouldn’t be around when the nanny is there anyway. Visit your grandchild when the parents are home.

That's ridiculous. My in-laws live locally and my MIL would come stay with us sometimes when my husband was gone on work trips. My nanny got along with her just fine (we have moved but the same is true now, although they live farther away). My MIL has never done something like the OP is saying (and I wouldn't let her be there with my kids if she did). So never told the nanny she was doing something wrong, never commented on how she would have done it, and never gossiped with me about anything the nanny said or did during the day. But go ahead and discount all families who have local grandparents.

It is about as far from ridiculous as you can get, PP. You and DH deal, visit, enjoy your parents on your own time. There is no reason your MIL can’t see your kids when you and DH are there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us, and the nanny never mentioned any problems with the arrangement. They figure things out between them. The nanny gets a break when grandma takes DS to the park or reads him a story. You can always use an extra pair of hands.

First, no on the extra set of hands. The old adage of too many cooks spoiling the broth is closer to the truth.

Second, I can only assume your nanny knew your mother was going to be there when interviewing for the position.

Third, I would never have accepted your job. You’re lucky to have found your nanny - treat her well.

LOL yeah. That must be why so many new mothers are hurting for help. That's why so many mothers bitch at their DH for "not parenting".
Because too many cooks spoil the broth. Sure.

We never had a problem finding nannies and the current one has been with us for four years. So who cares that a random internet nanny would have never accepted?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us, and the nanny never mentioned any problems with the arrangement. They figure things out between them. The nanny gets a break when grandma takes DS to the park or reads him a story. You can always use an extra pair of hands.

Not if the extra pair of hands are actively working against you at worst, or painfully unaware at best.

They are both working for the benefit of the child and the household. No one is working against each other.

[Anonymous]

I never had anything as drastic as OP mentioned, but have had mixed experiences with grandparents. When the grandma of one family I worked with visited, she expressed interest in coming on outing and we all had a positive experience. I felt like it was a joint effort caring for twins. She told me things that worked for her and previous nanny when she watched kids, which was helpful, she was delightful to chat with, and kids loved having her there. I felt that it added to our day!

For another family, grandparents lived in town and were often there. While they were very nice, they kids acted awful when grandparents were there. The grandparents spoiled them, giving them treats the mom specifically said she did not want them to have. This happened a ton. Mom focused a lot on kids eating healthy, so kids got really mixed messages if they'd already had their treat for day and then grandparents gave them more. In addition, it totally threw them off schedule in other ways. The grandparents in this situation were also really nice, smart, intelligent people, but they literally didn't know how to handle the kids behaviors (tantrums, yelling, etc.). It was often a surprise when they would be there (like I received no notice and we'd get home and they'd be there).

I don't agree w/ OP that I'd never consider a family that had an in-town MIL though. I'd take a more let's see how it goes approach and then if everything is great, it's nice for kids to see family more! If issues arose, I'd approach parents to see if we could figure out a solution. In the case above, I know grandparents did things that mom didn't approve of, so it wasn't just me who was annoyed. There was just a lot of passivity and family dynamics that I didn't really understand.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I feel blessed as a nanny to have employers with great parents. I work with infants, and I’ve had one family in particular where both grandparents came over regularly. One lived close, and the other ( who was too old to handle baby on her own) lived out of state. I got along with both of them so well. Whatever I said went when it came to feeding, outings, and naps. We got along so well that we would go to lunch, the park, walks, etc. I welcomed that time as it was a little less lonely those days. I know there are plenty of overbearing grandparents though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom lives with us, and the nanny never mentioned any problems with the arrangement. They figure things out between them. The nanny gets a break when grandma takes DS to the park or reads him a story. You can always use an extra pair of hands.

First, no on the extra set of hands. The old adage of too many cooks spoiling the broth is closer to the truth.

Second, I can only assume your nanny knew your mother was going to be there when interviewing for the position.

Third, I would never have accepted your job. You’re lucky to have found your nanny - treat her well.

LOL yeah. That must be why so many new mothers are hurting for help. That's why so many mothers bitch at their DH for "not parenting".
Because too many cooks spoil the broth. Sure.

We never had a problem finding nannies and the current one has been with us for four years. So who cares that a random internet nanny would have never accepted?

This is an advice and opinion forum, PP. That was her opinion as “we never had trouble finding nannies” was yours. No ones experience is better than another’s.

Please keep your LOL nonsense to yourself.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t work for a SAHP and I wouldn’t work for a family where the grandparents or any other family member routinely came over. It is simply not the right fit for me and I know it.

It should be a question at initial interview.