Nanny and Grandmothers

[Anonymous]

We also have a great nanny and close grandmothers. We found it only works if nanny is not in the house when the grandmothers are. Since she is dds primary care provider they are very bonded and she’ll choose her over anyone else except me. It works for us since twice a week a grandma comes early and relieves the nanny after dds nap. They get dedicated kid time but have to take care of everything for those couple hours including potty stuff and snacks. Works well for us and dd is happy to see grandparents as she gets special time with them. She’s 2.5 btw and we have had this going for the whole time we have had the nanny.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents can be such a pain/problem for nannies. Another nanny and I were discussing that we are going to ask where she grandparents live in our next interviews! Anyone with grandparents within driving distance will be declined!

[Anonymous]

I know it's hard OP (i'm the first "smack down" poster) but you need to think about the nightmare of having your nanny leave. The stress, disruption, work, cost, stress, and did I mention stress, of managing a nanny change is something you want to avoid at all costs if you like this nanny.

Having a nanny makes our life possible. She provides safety/security/reliability/structure for our kids and she's the reason my husband and I can go to work and come home to happy, healthy kids. If/when the nanny falls apart so does our day to day life.

So if your house is anything like ours, the nanny is a vital, central part of what makes your life possible. Time with the grandmothers is important and wonderful but that can wax and wane without a negative impact on your world. The nanny cannot.

It's like the oxygen mask on a plan - save yourself first!

Also, use your husband to help you make this clear. Do it in an email if that's an easier way for you to be (kindly) straightforward and direct.

And be sure to let your nanny that you're doing this, that you have her back, and that she is important enough for you to stand up for her. That will go a LONG way to maintaining a great working relationship with her.

It's really just a management problem - you need to find ways to ensure the grandparents have time with the kids and you need to ensure that your employee is able to do the job you want and pay her to do. If you think about it as a management problem it may help strip away a bit of the emotion.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know it's hard OP (i'm the first "smack down" poster) but you need to think about the nightmare of having your nanny leave. The stress, disruption, work, cost, stress, and did I mention stress, of managing a nanny change is something you want to avoid at all costs if you like this nanny.

Having a nanny makes our life possible. She provides safety/security/reliability/structure for our kids and she's the reason my husband and I can go to work and come home to happy, healthy kids. If/when the nanny falls apart so does our day to day life.

So if your house is anything like ours, the nanny is a vital, central part of what makes your life possible. Time with the grandmothers is important and wonderful but that can wax and wane without a negative impact on your world. The nanny cannot.

It's like the oxygen mask on a plan - save yourself first!

Also, use your husband to help you make this clear. Do it in an email if that's an easier way for you to be (kindly) straightforward and direct.

And be sure to let your nanny that you're doing this, that you have her back, and that she is important enough for you to stand up for her. That will go a LONG way to maintaining a great working relationship with her.

It's really just a management problem - you need to find ways to ensure the grandparents have time with the kids and you need to ensure that your employee is able to do the job you want and pay her to do. If you think about it as a management problem it may help strip away a bit of the emotion.

Good luck!

OP here. Thank you! This is excellent advice!

[Anonymous]

Please stop making your nanny deal with your MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Have the smack-down conversation with grandmas: “Nanny is very important to DD right now. We love that DD feels so loved and safe with her primary caregiver. But nanny will only be around until Kindergarten (or whenever). You will be grandma forever and trying to compete with nanny for this short time is only going to make DD anxious.”

2) Find a way to make grandma time special—as a nanny, I have a lot to do during the day and I don’t read as many books as my charges would like (B3 would gladly read for 2 hours straight). They love when granny visits because she has no other tasks and is happy to just read and read and read. Another grandparent likes to cook and does fun cooking projects whenever they visit. Look for something that can bond them.

3) Give it time. The older they get, the less they rely on their primary attachment figure to be their home base.

OP here and thank you. I’d like to settle this with the grandmothers because nanny is going to be with us for much longer than DD’s kindergarten since we are expecting our second child and will need nanny throughout their elementary school years.

Even if nanny is going to be around until middle school, it is still worth pointing out to grandma that she will ALWAYS be grandma. Nonone ages out of having a grandma!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Have the smack-down conversation with grandmas: “Nanny is very important to DD right now. We love that DD feels so loved and safe with her primary caregiver. But nanny will only be around until Kindergarten (or whenever). You will be grandma forever and trying to compete with nanny for this short time is only going to make DD anxious.”

2) Find a way to make grandma time special—as a nanny, I have a lot to do during the day and I don’t read as many books as my charges would like (B3 would gladly read for 2 hours straight). They love when granny visits because she has no other tasks and is happy to just read and read and read. Another grandparent likes to cook and does fun cooking projects whenever they visit. Look for something that can bond them.

3) Give it time. The older they get, the less they rely on their primary attachment figure to be their home base.

OP here and thank you. I’d like to settle this with the grandmothers because nanny is going to be with us for much longer than DD’s kindergarten since we are expecting our second child and will need nanny throughout their elementary school years.

Even if nanny is going to be around until middle school, it is still worth pointing out to grandma that she will ALWAYS be grandma. Nonone ages out of having a grandma!

Grandmas die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Have the smack-down conversation with grandmas: “Nanny is very important to DD right now. We love that DD feels so loved and safe with her primary caregiver. But nanny will only be around until Kindergarten (or whenever). You will be grandma forever and trying to compete with nanny for this short time is only going to make DD anxious.”

2) Find a way to make grandma time special—as a nanny, I have a lot to do during the day and I don’t read as many books as my charges would like (B3 would gladly read for 2 hours straight). They love when granny visits because she has no other tasks and is happy to just read and read and read. Another grandparent likes to cook and does fun cooking projects whenever they visit. Look for something that can bond them.

3) Give it time. The older they get, the less they rely on their primary attachment figure to be their home base.

OP here and thank you. I’d like to settle this with the grandmothers because nanny is going to be with us for much longer than DD’s kindergarten since we are expecting our second child and will need nanny throughout their elementary school years.

Even if nanny is going to be around until middle school, it is still worth pointing out to grandma that she will ALWAYS be grandma. Nonone ages out of having a grandma!

Grandmas die.

I don’t get your point. Are you concerned your kids’ grandma will die before they age out of nanny care? Maybe, but that would be fairly rare, unless your family twnds to die very young or reproduce very lte. Also, I can barely remember any of my childcare providers from my youth, but my grandma has been dead for over a decade and I think about her all the time. I still have some items of hers that I cherish and show off and my brother and I swap stories about her often. My point was that when prents have to have the “don’t compete with nanny” conversation, it can be helpful to put it in perspecrice for grandma: you are family and you will always be an important part of the child’s life. Nanny looms large right now and teying to fight that reality is going to make things harder for everyone involved, but that reality is fleeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1) Have the smack-down conversation with grandmas: “Nanny is very important to DD right now. We love that DD feels so loved and safe with her primary caregiver. But nanny will only be around until Kindergarten (or whenever). You will be grandma forever and trying to compete with nanny for this short time is only going to make DD anxious.”

2) Find a way to make grandma time special—as a nanny, I have a lot to do during the day and I don’t read as many books as my charges would like (B3 would gladly read for 2 hours straight). They love when granny visits because she has no other tasks and is happy to just read and read and read. Another grandparent likes to cook and does fun cooking projects whenever they visit. Look for something that can bond them.

3) Give it time. The older they get, the less they rely on their primary attachment figure to be their home base.

OP here and thank you. I’d like to settle this with the grandmothers because nanny is going to be with us for much longer than DD’s kindergarten since we are expecting our second child and will need nanny throughout their elementary school years.

Even if nanny is going to be around until middle school, it is still worth pointing out to grandma that she will ALWAYS be grandma. Nonone ages out of having a grandma!

Grandmas die.

I don’t get your point. Are you concerned your kids’ grandma will die before they age out of nanny care? Maybe, but that would be fairly rare, unless your family twnds to die very young or reproduce very lte. Also, I can barely remember any of my childcare providers from my youth, but my grandma has been dead for over a decade and I think about her all the time. I still have some items of hers that I cherish and show off and my brother and I swap stories about her often. My point was that when prents have to have the “don’t compete with nanny” conversation, it can be helpful to put it in perspecrice for grandma: you are family and you will always be an important part of the child’s life. Nanny looms large right now and teying to fight that reality is going to make things harder for everyone involved, but that reality is fleeting.

I don't get your point. Both Grandma and Nanny are important and each should know her place.

[Anonymous]

Well, my grandmother was around until I was eight - she was a pushy, demanding woman and is nothing but a name to me. My nanny was warm, loving and always there for me until I was 13 (I have two younger siblings) and stayed in my life until her death just 25 years ago.

Love and attachment isn’t about biology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, my grandmother was around until I was eight - she was a pushy, demanding woman and is nothing but a name to me. My nanny was warm, loving and always there for me until I was 13 (I have two younger siblings) and stayed in my life until her death just 25 years ago.

Love and attachment isn’t about biology.

She died just 2.5 years ago not 25 years ago!!!