Nanny and Grandmothers

[Anonymous]

Our wonderful nanny has been with us since DD was born. DD is now three. DD is very attached to her nanny. My mother and my MIL live nearby. My IIL constantly complains to me about how DD only wants Nanny when they are all together. Nanny tries to give MIL private time with DD but DD actively seeks out Nanny. So MIL says things to DD like, “well, I am going to go home if you won’t play with me”.

My mother is a separate issue as she only sees DD on weekends when Nanny is off. However birthday parties and holidays are miserable because my mother will physically pull DD from Nanny or me.

DD had a karate class this week where both Nanny, MIL and my mother were attending. After class ended, DD apparently ran to Nanny for a hug and my mother and MIL both called me to complain that DD is too close to Nanny.

I want to keep peace inthe family but I would never interfere with DD’s relationship with her nanny.

Advice, please!

[Anonymous]

sounds like you have a great nanny. both grandmothers should be happy.

is this a live-in nanny or do the grandmothers pop in to your house a lot?

if either of them are making comments like this, they need to grow up. anyone spending 25-50 hours a week with a child is going to have a closer relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sounds like you have a great nanny. both grandmothers should be happy.

is this a live-in nanny or do the grandmothers pop in to your house a lot?

if either of them are making comments like this, they need to grow up. anyone spending 25-50 hours a week with a child is going to have a closer relationship.

OP here. Nanny lives out and works 50 hours a week. My MIL can generally only see DD during the week. The karate thing was unusual as my mother had the day off and MIL just wanted to see DD’s class. I think my MIL and mother were both embarrassed when all the other kids ran to hug family and DD ran to hug her nanny.

[Anonymous]

Set a schedule with the grandparents and let your nanny have a few hours paid break when the grandparents are visiting. That will give the grandparents your child’s full attention and take your nanny out of a situation that is likely awkward and stressful for her.

[Anonymous]

Put MIL on a schedule for her visits. Every Monday and Friday mornings, or whatever. Can nanny go out and get herself a coffee during this time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Set a schedule with the grandparents and let your nanny have a few hours paid break when the grandparents are visiting. That will give the grandparents your child’s full attention and take your nanny out of a situation that is likely awkward and stressful for her.

Ha, we had the same solution at the same time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put MIL on a schedule for her visits. Every Monday and Friday mornings, or whatever. Can nanny go out and get herself a coffee during this time?

This. Or MIL can take DD for ice cream.

[Anonymous]

You need to smack down the grandmothers.

I have had to do this also and it can be hard but I won't have the nanny's happiness, relationship with my kids, or overall stability and wonderful reliability jeapordized by grandparents who overstep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Set a schedule with the grandparents and let your nanny have a few hours paid break when the grandparents are visiting. That will give the grandparents your child’s full attention and take your nanny out of a situation that is likely awkward and stressful for her.

Ha, we had the same solution at the same time!

This is a great suggestion. You should definitely nicely point out that they are being jealous and the fact that your son loves his nanny so much is a great sign that he is being very well taken care of .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Put MIL on a schedule for her visits. Every Monday and Friday mornings, or whatever. Can nanny go out and get herself a coffee during this time?

Added issues (OP here) MIL cannot adhere to a schedule and we stopped even telling DD that she was coming over because she flaked so often and didn’t show. She also has some memory issues that make it impossible for us to leave DD alone with MIL. Nanny must be in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to smack down the grandmothers.

I have had to do this also and it can be hard but I won't have the nanny's happiness, relationship with my kids, or overall stability and wonderful reliability jeapordized by grandparents who overstep.

OP here. I agree with you. I am just too chicken to do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to smack down the grandmothers.

I have had to do this also and it can be hard but I won't have the nanny's happiness, relationship with my kids, or overall stability and wonderful reliability jeapordized by grandparents who overstep.

OP here. I agree with you. I am just too chicken to do it!

Healthy boundaries are a great thing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to smack down the grandmothers.

I have had to do this also and it can be hard but I won't have the nanny's happiness, relationship with my kids, or overall stability and wonderful reliability jeapordized by grandparents who overstep.

OP here. I agree with you. I am just too chicken to do it!

Would you rather risk losing your nanny? Simply point out to them that you think it is wonderful that nanny and Larlo are so close, that it gives you comfort and hope they feel similarly. I love my charges and their parents, but I would have a hard time dealing with that regularly.

[Anonymous]

1) Have the smack-down conversation with grandmas: “Nanny is very important to DD right now. We love that DD feels so loved and safe with her primary caregiver. But nanny will only be around until Kindergarten (or whenever). You will be grandma forever and trying to compete with nanny for this short time is only going to make DD anxious.”

2) Find a way to make grandma time special—as a nanny, I have a lot to do during the day and I don’t read as many books as my charges would like (B3 would gladly read for 2 hours straight). They love when granny visits because she has no other tasks and is happy to just read and read and read. Another grandparent likes to cook and does fun cooking projects whenever they visit. Look for something that can bond them.

3) Give it time. The older they get, the less they rely on their primary attachment figure to be their home base.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1) Have the smack-down conversation with grandmas: “Nanny is very important to DD right now. We love that DD feels so loved and safe with her primary caregiver. But nanny will only be around until Kindergarten (or whenever). You will be grandma forever and trying to compete with nanny for this short time is only going to make DD anxious.”

2) Find a way to make grandma time special—as a nanny, I have a lot to do during the day and I don’t read as many books as my charges would like (B3 would gladly read for 2 hours straight). They love when granny visits because she has no other tasks and is happy to just read and read and read. Another grandparent likes to cook and does fun cooking projects whenever they visit. Look for something that can bond them.

3) Give it time. The older they get, the less they rely on their primary attachment figure to be their home base.

OP here and thank you. I’d like to settle this with the grandmothers because nanny is going to be with us for much longer than DD’s kindergarten since we are expecting our second child and will need nanny throughout their elementary school years.