Employers marriage is in turmoil

[Anonymous]

You are getting advice on how to best handle this but you seem to be fishing for some which allows you to keep quiet in order to continue working. That advice doesn’t exist so just do what you’ve been doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are getting advice on how to best handle this but you seem to be fishing for some which allows you to keep quiet in order to continue working. That advice doesn’t exist so just do what you’ve been doing.

It is not about me continuing to work for them - believe me - it is about my charge getting in trouble for telling me and the icy reception I got the last time which tells me that my employer does not want me telling her things like this.

I am looking for - directly asking for - more ways I can help my charge. More things I can say - how I can reassure her.

[Anonymous]

Tell her stories about conflict and resolution. Ask a librarian in the children section for help with books dealing with parents fighting and uncertainly. Talk to your charge about why her doll is pushing her and hitting her. I am assuming you suspect no abuse to your charge so she is just acting out the verbal arguments with her parents in the way she understands from school which is pushing and hitting. Tell her that she did nothing wrong and there is no reason for dolly to be angry with her. Say it over and over and over again. Build her self-esteem as much as possible.

Good luck, OP. That is a tough situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her stories about conflict and resolution. Ask a librarian in the children section for help with books dealing with parents fighting and uncertainly. Talk to your charge about why her doll is pushing her and hitting her. I am assuming you suspect no abuse to your charge so she is just acting out the verbal arguments with her parents in the way she understands from school which is pushing and hitting. Tell her that she did nothing wrong and there is no reason for dolly to be angry with her. Say it over and over and over again. Build her self-esteem as much as possible.

Good luck, OP. That is a tough situation.

+1 I agree. And try to be a positive, happy and safe influence in her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are getting advice on how to best handle this but you seem to be fishing for some which allows you to keep quiet in order to continue working. That advice doesn’t exist so just do what you’ve been doing.

It is not about me continuing to work for them - believe me - it is about my charge getting in trouble for telling me and the icy reception I got the last time which tells me that my employer does not want me telling her things like this.

I am looking for - directly asking for - more ways I can help my charge. More things I can say - how I can reassure her.

As you have known her since birth, the little girl is lucky to have you as another loving adult to find comfort with. Since she is projecting onto the doll, maybe you could role play with parent dolls and a child doll. Not a big argument that she might repeat to her parents, but just the parent dolls telling the child doll that they still love her, that she'll always be safe, etc.

As long as the parents are not abusing the child (no mention of that at all), I don't see where there is anything to report to anybody. Marital difficulties/divorce sucks for kids, but it's not usually a cause for social services to intervene.

Are there grandparents or other observant family members nearby who might be in a better position to address this with the girl's parents? I still wouldn't take it on yourself since you'e seen where that led before. Don't get yourself fired because then you're out a job and the child would be worse off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are getting advice on how to best handle this but you seem to be fishing for some which allows you to keep quiet in order to continue working. That advice doesn’t exist so just do what you’ve been doing.

It is not about me continuing to work for them - believe me - it is about my charge getting in trouble for telling me and the icy reception I got the last time which tells me that my employer does not want me telling her things like this.

I am looking for - directly asking for - more ways I can help my charge. More things I can say - how I can reassure her.

As you have known her since birth, the little girl is lucky to have you as another loving adult to find comfort with. Since she is projecting onto the doll, maybe you could role play with parent dolls and a child doll. Not a big argument that she might repeat to her parents, but just the parent dolls telling the child doll that they still love her, that she'll always be safe, etc.

As long as the parents are not abusing the child (no mention of that at all), I don't see where there is anything to report to anybody. Marital difficulties/divorce sucks for kids, but it's not usually a cause for social services to intervene.

Are there grandparents or other observant family members nearby who might be in a better position to address this with the girl's parents? I still wouldn't take it on yourself since you'e seen where that led before. Don't get yourself fired because then you're out a job and the child would be worse off.

I am the PP Who suggested contacting CPS. The child is reenacting violence with her toys. That means that there is a good chance that the child is witnessing violence in her home. Witnessing one parent act violently towards another or towards the dog or towards a non-family member is still reason enough to get CPS involved, but if this is continuing to go on there is a good chance that the child will also be in physical danger from the violent parent. The fact that the parents are insular and closed-off to the point where they have punished the child for telling an outsider about her fears tell me that this may be a lot worse than anyone realizes. Telling CPS is not magically going to take the child away immediately, but it is going to give people who have experience in evaluating risk to children a heads up. Again, your responsibility is to keep this child safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My charge tells me that her parents fight and scream at each other all the time. She recently told me that her Dad moved out for a week just to stop the fighting. This week she has been telling me that her favorite doll (her security item) has been hitting and pushing her.

As a nanny, how do I best handle this? I reassure her that her Mom and Dad love her and that people who love each other argue. I tell her that she is safe.

My employers are extremely private people and I would never tell them what their child is saying to me. I am a bit out of my league however in knowing how to handle the emotions of my charge.

I am part time and only pick her up after school now but I have been with her since she was born.

Thank you so any advice.

You have witnessed nothing that this child tells you is happening. Children frequently lie and exaggerate. Before reporting the parents, you should make absolutely certain your charge us telling the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are getting advice on how to best handle this but you seem to be fishing for some which allows you to keep quiet in order to continue working. That advice doesn’t exist so just do what you’ve been doing.

It is not about me continuing to work for them - believe me - it is about my charge getting in trouble for telling me and the icy reception I got the last time which tells me that my employer does not want me telling her things like this.

I am looking for - directly asking for - more ways I can help my charge. More things I can say - how I can reassure her.

As you have known her since birth, the little girl is lucky to have you as another loving adult to find comfort with. Since she is projecting onto the doll, maybe you could role play with parent dolls and a child doll. Not a big argument that she might repeat to her parents, but just the parent dolls telling the child doll that they still love her, that she'll always be safe, etc.

As long as the parents are not abusing the child (no mention of that at all), I don't see where there is anything to report to anybody. Marital difficulties/divorce sucks for kids, but it's not usually a cause for social services to intervene.

Are there grandparents or other observant family members nearby who might be in a better position to address this with the girl's parents? I still wouldn't take it on yourself since you'e seen where that led before. Don't get yourself fired because then you're out a job and the child would be worse off.

I am the PP Who suggested contacting CPS. The child is reenacting violence with her toys. That means that there is a good chance that the child is witnessing violence in her home. Witnessing one parent act violently towards another or towards the dog or towards a non-family member is still reason enough to get CPS involved, but if this is continuing to go on there is a good chance that the child will also be in physical danger from the violent parent. The fact that the parents are insular and closed-off to the point where they have punished the child for telling an outsider about her fears tell me that this may be a lot worse than anyone realizes. Telling CPS is not magically going to take the child away immediately, but it is going to give people who have experience in evaluating risk to children a heads up. Again, your responsibility is to keep this child safe.

Kids will act out conflict with terms and actions that they know - a verbal argument can be acted out as pushing or hitting. OP has no reason to think that the parents are hitting each other! It is just the actions a little kid understands because that is what a kid would do rather than have a verbal argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are getting advice on how to best handle this but you seem to be fishing for some which allows you to keep quiet in order to continue working. That advice doesn’t exist so just do what you’ve been doing.

It is not about me continuing to work for them - believe me - it is about my charge getting in trouble for telling me and the icy reception I got the last time which tells me that my employer does not want me telling her things like this.

I am looking for - directly asking for - more ways I can help my charge. More things I can say - how I can reassure her.

As you have known her since birth, the little girl is lucky to have you as another loving adult to find comfort with. Since she is projecting onto the doll, maybe you could role play with parent dolls and a child doll. Not a big argument that she might repeat to her parents, but just the parent dolls telling the child doll that they still love her, that she'll always be safe, etc.

As long as the parents are not abusing the child (no mention of that at all), I don't see where there is anything to report to anybody. Marital difficulties/divorce sucks for kids, but it's not usually a cause for social services to intervene.

Are there grandparents or other observant family members nearby who might be in a better position to address this with the girl's parents? I still wouldn't take it on yourself since you'e seen where that led before. Don't get yourself fired because then you're out a job and the child would be worse off.

I am the PP Who suggested contacting CPS. The child is reenacting violence with her toys. That means that there is a good chance that the child is witnessing violence in her home. Witnessing one parent act violently towards another or towards the dog or towards a non-family member is still reason enough to get CPS involved, but if this is continuing to go on there is a good chance that the child will also be in physical danger from the violent parent. The fact that the parents are insular and closed-off to the point where they have punished the child for telling an outsider about her fears tell me that this may be a lot worse than anyone realizes. Telling CPS is not magically going to take the child away immediately, but it is going to give people who have experience in evaluating risk to children a heads up. Again, your responsibility is to keep this child safe.

Kids will act out conflict with terms and actions that they know - a verbal argument can be acted out as pushing or hitting. OP has no reason to think that the parents are hitting each other! It is just the actions a little kid understands because that is what a kid would do rather than have a verbal argument.

Are you 100% sure that is 100% true 100% of the time? Sure, maybe the kid is not modeling exactly what she had seen, but maybe she is. I am not a social worker and I am not trained to delineate between abuse and just sub-optimal parenting. When in doubt, contact CPS and let them figure it out. Maybe they will do a home interview. Maybe they will determine that is not warranted, but it will create a red flag and later a friend or neighbor may add another and that will call for a home visit. Again, unless you are trained to identify abuse, you are should report to those who are. Inserting your (untrained and unqualified) best judgement is overstepping. This is why mandated reporters exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are getting advice on how to best handle this but you seem to be fishing for some which allows you to keep quiet in order to continue working. That advice doesn’t exist so just do what you’ve been doing.

It is not about me continuing to work for them - believe me - it is about my charge getting in trouble for telling me and the icy reception I got the last time which tells me that my employer does not want me telling her things like this.

I am looking for - directly asking for - more ways I can help my charge. More things I can say - how I can reassure her.

As you have known her since birth, the little girl is lucky to have you as another loving adult to find comfort with. Since she is projecting onto the doll, maybe you could role play with parent dolls and a child doll. Not a big argument that she might repeat to her parents, but just the parent dolls telling the child doll that they still love her, that she'll always be safe, etc.

As long as the parents are not abusing the child (no mention of that at all), I don't see where there is anything to report to anybody. Marital difficulties/divorce sucks for kids, but it's not usually a cause for social services to intervene.

Are there grandparents or other observant family members nearby who might be in a better position to address this with the girl's parents? I still wouldn't take it on yourself since you'e seen where that led before. Don't get yourself fired because then you're out a job and the child would be worse off.

I am the PP Who suggested contacting CPS. The child is reenacting violence with her toys. That means that there is a good chance that the child is witnessing violence in her home. Witnessing one parent act violently towards another or towards the dog or towards a non-family member is still reason enough to get CPS involved, but if this is continuing to go on there is a good chance that the child will also be in physical danger from the violent parent. The fact that the parents are insular and closed-off to the point where they have punished the child for telling an outsider about her fears tell me that this may be a lot worse than anyone realizes. Telling CPS is not magically going to take the child away immediately, but it is going to give people who have experience in evaluating risk to children a heads up. Again, your responsibility is to keep this child safe.

Kids will act out conflict with terms and actions that they know - a verbal argument can be acted out as pushing or hitting. OP has no reason to think that the parents are hitting each other! It is just the actions a little kid understands because that is what a kid would do rather than have a verbal argument.

Are you 100% sure that is 100% true 100% of the time? Sure, maybe the kid is not modeling exactly what she had seen, but maybe she is. I am not a social worker and I am not trained to delineate between abuse and just sub-optimal parenting. When in doubt, contact CPS and let them figure it out. Maybe they will do a home interview. Maybe they will determine that is not warranted, but it will create a red flag and later a friend or neighbor may add another and that will call for a home visit. Again, unless you are trained to identify abuse, you are should report to those who are. Inserting your (untrained and unqualified) best judgement is overstepping. This is why mandated reporters exist.

That is really overreacting, PP. I would never call CPS on any parent only because a child said her doll was pushing and hitting her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are getting advice on how to best handle this but you seem to be fishing for some which allows you to keep quiet in order to continue working. That advice doesn’t exist so just do what you’ve been doing.

It is not about me continuing to work for them - believe me - it is about my charge getting in trouble for telling me and the icy reception I got the last time which tells me that my employer does not want me telling her things like this.

I am looking for - directly asking for - more ways I can help my charge. More things I can say - how I can reassure her.

As you have known her since birth, the little girl is lucky to have you as another loving adult to find comfort with. Since she is projecting onto the doll, maybe you could role play with parent dolls and a child doll. Not a big argument that she might repeat to her parents, but just the parent dolls telling the child doll that they still love her, that she'll always be safe, etc.

As long as the parents are not abusing the child (no mention of that at all), I don't see where there is anything to report to anybody. Marital difficulties/divorce sucks for kids, but it's not usually a cause for social services to intervene.

Are there grandparents or other observant family members nearby who might be in a better position to address this with the girl's parents? I still wouldn't take it on yourself since you'e seen where that led before. Don't get yourself fired because then you're out a job and the child would be worse off.

I am the PP Who suggested contacting CPS. The child is reenacting violence with her toys. That means that there is a good chance that the child is witnessing violence in her home. Witnessing one parent act violently towards another or towards the dog or towards a non-family member is still reason enough to get CPS involved, but if this is continuing to go on there is a good chance that the child will also be in physical danger from the violent parent. The fact that the parents are insular and closed-off to the point where they have punished the child for telling an outsider about her fears tell me that this may be a lot worse than anyone realizes. Telling CPS is not magically going to take the child away immediately, but it is going to give people who have experience in evaluating risk to children a heads up. Again, your responsibility is to keep this child safe.

Kids will act out conflict with terms and actions that they know - a verbal argument can be acted out as pushing or hitting. OP has no reason to think that the parents are hitting each other! It is just the actions a little kid understands because that is what a kid would do rather than have a verbal argument.

Are you 100% sure that is 100% true 100% of the time? Sure, maybe the kid is not modeling exactly what she had seen, but maybe she is. I am not a social worker and I am not trained to delineate between abuse and just sub-optimal parenting. When in doubt, contact CPS and let them figure it out. Maybe they will do a home interview. Maybe they will determine that is not warranted, but it will create a red flag and later a friend or neighbor may add another and that will call for a home visit. Again, unless you are trained to identify abuse, you are should report to those who are. Inserting your (untrained and unqualified) best judgement is overstepping. This is why mandated reporters exist.

That is really overreacting, PP. I would never call CPS on any parent only because a child said her doll was pushing and hitting her.

This isn’t a random doll, it’s her security item, the one thing that helps her feel safe. If she’s pretending that it’s hurting her, something is causing a lot of anxiety and worry. It shouldn’t be ignored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are getting advice on how to best handle this but you seem to be fishing for some which allows you to keep quiet in order to continue working. That advice doesn’t exist so just do what you’ve been doing.

It is not about me continuing to work for them - believe me - it is about my charge getting in trouble for telling me and the icy reception I got the last time which tells me that my employer does not want me telling her things like this.

I am looking for - directly asking for - more ways I can help my charge. More things I can say - how I can reassure her.

As you have known her since birth, the little girl is lucky to have you as another loving adult to find comfort with. Since she is projecting onto the doll, maybe you could role play with parent dolls and a child doll. Not a big argument that she might repeat to her parents, but just the parent dolls telling the child doll that they still love her, that she'll always be safe, etc.

As long as the parents are not abusing the child (no mention of that at all), I don't see where there is anything to report to anybody. Marital difficulties/divorce sucks for kids, but it's not usually a cause for social services to intervene.

Are there grandparents or other observant family members nearby who might be in a better position to address this with the girl's parents? I still wouldn't take it on yourself since you'e seen where that led before. Don't get yourself fired because then you're out a job and the child would be worse off.

I am the PP Who suggested contacting CPS. The child is reenacting violence with her toys. That means that there is a good chance that the child is witnessing violence in her home. Witnessing one parent act violently towards another or towards the dog or towards a non-family member is still reason enough to get CPS involved, but if this is continuing to go on there is a good chance that the child will also be in physical danger from the violent parent. The fact that the parents are insular and closed-off to the point where they have punished the child for telling an outsider about her fears tell me that this may be a lot worse than anyone realizes. Telling CPS is not magically going to take the child away immediately, but it is going to give people who have experience in evaluating risk to children a heads up. Again, your responsibility is to keep this child safe.

Kids will act out conflict with terms and actions that they know - a verbal argument can be acted out as pushing or hitting. OP has no reason to think that the parents are hitting each other! It is just the actions a little kid understands because that is what a kid would do rather than have a verbal argument.

Are you 100% sure that is 100% true 100% of the time? Sure, maybe the kid is not modeling exactly what she had seen, but maybe she is. I am not a social worker and I am not trained to delineate between abuse and just sub-optimal parenting. When in doubt, contact CPS and let them figure it out. Maybe they will do a home interview. Maybe they will determine that is not warranted, but it will create a red flag and later a friend or neighbor may add another and that will call for a home visit. Again, unless you are trained to identify abuse, you are should report to those who are. Inserting your (untrained and unqualified) best judgement is overstepping. This is why mandated reporters exist.

That is really overreacting, PP. I would never call CPS on any parent only because a child said her doll was pushing and hitting her.

This isn’t a random doll, it’s her security item, the one thing that helps her feel safe. If she’s pretending that it’s hurting her, something is causing a lot of anxiety and worry. It shouldn’t be ignored.

It isn't being ignored - it simply isn't being made into a melodramatic overact fest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My charge tells me that her parents fight and scream at each other all the time. She recently told me that her Dad moved out for a week just to stop the fighting. This week she has been telling me that her favorite doll (her security item) has been hitting and pushing her.

As a nanny, how do I best handle this? I reassure her that her Mom and Dad love her and that people who love each other argue. I tell her that she is safe.

My employers are extremely private people and I would never tell them what their child is saying to me. I am a bit out of my league however in knowing how to handle the emotions of my charge.

I am part time and only pick her up after school now but I have been with her since she was born.

Thank you so any advice.

I would just mention what the child said about her doll. Let them know that she hasn’t mention anyone at school bothering her and I’m not sure if their have been changes here (the Home) but it concerned me (made me sad etc.) and I wanted to bring it to your attention.

[Anonymous]

Any nanny who has been through this kind of situation knows how difficult it is. While you want to honor the couple's privacy, you have the children to calm and reassure without knowing what is going on. I am in a similar situation where the father is "traveling" a lot lately and has stopped sleeping at home. The kids know something is up. But my MB hasn't said a word about it to me so I just go on and do my job, paying special attention to the kids needs and fears.

Note to Parents: You really should tell your child's nanny when there is a big emotional upheaval in the home.

[Anonymous]

I like the idea of telling the parents what your charge said about her doll.