Unspoken caste system?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it sounds like you’re the “teacher” of the group - I would have never asked a teacher for a play date, because that feels like overstepping to me. I don’t think they see you as the help so much as the leader, and they’re not inviting you because of that role.

But the other nanny invites her and her charge over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were 20-40, would you want to hang out with a 60 year old who is basically the age of your mom?

OP you just got your answer right there.

Believe me, I understand that 100% - I don't want to hang out with 20-40 year old either. I am doing this for my charge who would benefit from being at other kids' houses especially as the weather changes and we spend less time outdoors.

The 20-40 year olds don't have a problem eating our snacks, using our paints and paper, play-dough, sensory bins, and toys. The mothers actually ask me a lot of child development questions but no - I don't need new friends. My little charge does.

I would invite you and your charge over, OP. I would love to be a part of a play group like that and would feel it was my duty to reciprocate. I honestly don't know why the other women aren't.

[Anonymous]

I also think they view you as a teacher and this as an instructional/school event and not a play date/get to know caregivers event.

Either accept that this is your role and these moms are unlikely to change, or start a new group with nannies only and let these women find a new gravy train. You feel taken advantage of, and the only person who can actively fix that is you - you cannot change other people!

[Anonymous]

As a HM, I have unfortunately witnessed many SAHMs trying to take advantage of our nanny who is uncomfortable standing up to them. Ive had to step in and nicely suggest some reciprocation. However my kids are older and usually it's the SAHMs looking to dump her kids on my nanny for free childcare and not reciprocating playdates.

I dont think its a caste system thing. I think it's a lazy freeloader thing.

[Anonymous]

Yes, the young mothers are lazy, freeloaders, rude and entitled. I don't doubt that for a second.

What about just saying, "I would love for Larla to get some experience playing at other toddlers' houses, too. Anyone free for us to come over next week?"

You will get a couple excuses ("Oh, our house is so small!") but also you will get some invitations. If you don't get invitations, drop the parent and child from your playgroup.

[Anonymous]

MB here and I agree it's not necessarily a caste thing. Some moms would prefer not to hang out with nannies, but plenty are okay with it. One of our playdates includes a couple nannies and another of my mom friends' best "mom friend" is a nanny. Not all MBs are snobs about nannies.

I do agree with PPs that it's probably the dynamic of you as teacher and your group as a class as well as your and your charge's ages that discourage reciprocation. I host a class at my home and even though someone else teaches, it's a lot of work for me to host, as you well know. I don't expect reciprocation as most people don't have the space to host playdates, but we also get very little acknowledgment. I don't think these moms are jerks, they probably just never thought about it. Given the age of your charge, playdates are just as much about the moms/nannies hanging out as it is the kids and you are significantly older than the moms in the group. Once your charge is older and making her own friends, your age won't matter so much.

Last thing I'll say is that I think it's a little weird that you undertook the workload of leading a weekly educational playgroup for such a large group of kids considering you're not even friends with the other moms. I'm a SAHM and only ever invite moms I'm friends with and 1-2 tops to do the kind of stuff you are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were 20-40, would you want to hang out with a 60 year old who is basically the age of your mom?

OP you just got your answer right there.

Believe me, I understand that 100% - I don't want to hang out with 20-40 year old either. I am doing this for my charge who would benefit from being at other kids' houses especially as the weather changes and we spend less time outdoors.

The 20-40 year olds don't have a problem eating our snacks, using our paints and paper, play-dough, sensory bins, and toys. The mothers actually ask me a lot of child development questions but no - I don't need new friends. My little charge does.

My nanny found friends for my child at our local playground. She got to know the other nannies and moms there, and then they set up play dates. That just seems like a better way to get the reciprocal relationships established. What you're doing now actually makes you seem less accessible, because you are the organizer/leader/teacher, which is intimidating for a lot of people, and you're older.

Why did the other nanny invite you over? I don't know, but I'm guessing that you are relating to her differently, and may have even communicated with her more as a peer/friend than the SAHMs. And, you may have let her know the reasons you were doing these circle times in a way that has not been communicated to the moms.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to take a break from hosting and ask if other nannies or moms can host? If the answer is no,no no, no. Then just take the break you need 3 weeks or a month and during that time meet new people at the library, playground etc and talk about alternating playdates first off. After you get that going with 1 or 2 nannies, you can explain your new group to old moms and see if they are interested in the new arrangement? And explain what the arrangement is. They get to decide. I don't think a 22 month needs 8 friends at one time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MB here and I agree it's not necessarily a caste thing. Some moms would prefer not to hang out with nannies, but plenty are okay with it. One of our playdates includes a couple nannies and another of my mom friends' best "mom friend" is a nanny. Not all MBs are snobs about nannies.

I do agree with PPs that it's probably the dynamic of you as teacher and your group as a class as well as your and your charge's ages that discourage reciprocation. I host a class at my home and even though someone else teaches, it's a lot of work for me to host, as you well know. I don't expect reciprocation as most people don't have the space to host playdates, but we also get very little acknowledgment. I don't think these moms are jerks, they probably just never thought about it. Given the age of your charge, playdates are just as much about the moms/nannies hanging out as it is the kids and you are significantly older than the moms in the group. Once your charge is older and making her own friends, your age won't matter so much.

Last thing I'll say is that I think it's a little weird that you undertook the workload of leading a weekly educational playgroup for such a large group of kids considering you're not even friends with the other moms. I'm a SAHM and only ever invite moms I'm friends with and 1-2 tops to do the kind of stuff you are talking about.

OP here. I do it for MY CHARGE. At every preschool interview her parents have been at so far this year, the question of classes and playgroups always comes up. And the administrators are very impressed with our organized playgroup. Again, I am 60 years old with a rich and wonderful social life - I am not facilitating the play group to make friends.

I just want my charge to get more experience playing at other children's houses - that is the only reason I want to be invited for a play date occassionaly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were 20-40, would you want to hang out with a 60 year old who is basically the age of your mom?

OP you just got your answer right there.

Believe me, I understand that 100% - I don't want to hang out with 20-40 year old either. I am doing this for my charge who would benefit from being at other kids' houses especially as the weather changes and we spend less time outdoors.

The 20-40 year olds don't have a problem eating our snacks, using our paints and paper, play-dough, sensory bins, and toys. The mothers actually ask me a lot of child development questions but no - I don't need new friends. My little charge does.

My nanny found friends for my child at our local playground. She got to know the other nannies and moms there, and then they set up play dates. That just seems like a better way to get the reciprocal relationships established. What you're doing now actually makes you seem less accessible, because you are the organizer/leader/teacher, which is intimidating for a lot of people, and you're older.

Why did the other nanny invite you over? I don't know, but I'm guessing that you are relating to her differently, and may have even communicated with her more as a peer/friend than the SAHMs. And, you may have let her know the reasons you were doing these circle times in a way that has not been communicated to the moms.

Doubtful since the other nanny speaks very little English and I speak no Spanish. It has nothing to do with how I relate to her, trust me. She is simply polite and likes my charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, the young mothers are lazy, freeloaders, rude and entitled. I don't doubt that for a second.

What about just saying, "I would love for Larla to get some experience playing at other toddlers' houses, too. Anyone free for us to come over next week?" [b]

You will get a couple excuses ("Oh, our house is so small!") but also you will get some invitations. If you don't get invitations, drop the parent and child from your playgroup.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MB here and I agree it's not necessarily a caste thing. Some moms would prefer not to hang out with nannies, but plenty are okay with it. One of our playdates includes a couple nannies and another of my mom friends' best "mom friend" is a nanny. Not all MBs are snobs about nannies.

I do agree with PPs that it's probably the dynamic of you as teacher and your group as a class as well as your and your charge's ages that discourage reciprocation. I host a class at my home and even though someone else teaches, it's a lot of work for me to host, as you well know. I don't expect reciprocation as most people don't have the space to host playdates, but we also get very little acknowledgment. I don't think these moms are jerks, they probably just never thought about it. Given the age of your charge, playdates are just as much about the moms/nannies hanging out as it is the kids and you are significantly older than the moms in the group. Once your charge is older and making her own friends, your age won't matter so much.

Last thing I'll say is that I think it's a little weird that you undertook the workload of leading a weekly educational playgroup for such a large group of kids considering you're not even friends with the other moms. I'm a SAHM and only ever invite moms I'm friends with and 1-2 tops to do the kind of stuff you are talking about.

OP here. I do it for MY CHARGE. At every preschool interview her parents have been at so far this year, the question of classes and playgroups always comes up. And the administrators are very impressed with our organized playgroup. Again, I am 60 years old with a rich and wonderful social life - I am not facilitating the play group to make friends.

I just want my charge to get more experience playing at other children's houses - that is the only reason I want to be invited for a play date occassionaly.

So, when is this child going to preschool? Soon?

Take her to the library story time if parents don't want to pay for classes. We are all telling you that the problem is that you are coming across as the teacher. This is not how people make friends and organize play dates. It just isn't. How many times in your many years of nannying have you asked the teacher or library leader for a play date? It really doesn't matter that your child is there, too. You're expecting people to respond to a regular, scheduled, facilitated, and organized event (run by a professional, experienced teacher/caregiver, no less), with a casual invitation for an afternoon one-on-one play date. This isn't the way to make that happen. Invite one or two kids, drop the craft, the book, etc., etc. Make it easier on yourself and get to know the moms.

I'm actually getting the vibe that you have no interest in socializing with the adults; you just want the experience for your charge. Well, as a SAHM, I want the socializing for me, not just the experience for my child, who I think has plenty of play dates and classes (and gym daycare) time with adults I do want to hang out with. That's how play dates work. They aren't an appointment like a class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MB here and I agree it's not necessarily a caste thing. Some moms would prefer not to hang out with nannies, but plenty are okay with it. One of our playdates includes a couple nannies and another of my mom friends' best "mom friend" is a nanny. Not all MBs are snobs about nannies.

I do agree with PPs that it's probably the dynamic of you as teacher and your group as a class as well as your and your charge's ages that discourage reciprocation. I host a class at my home and even though someone else teaches, it's a lot of work for me to host, as you well know. I don't expect reciprocation as most people don't have the space to host playdates, but we also get very little acknowledgment. I don't think these moms are jerks, they probably just never thought about it. Given the age of your charge, playdates are just as much about the moms/nannies hanging out as it is the kids and you are significantly older than the moms in the group. Once your charge is older and making her own friends, your age won't matter so much.

Last thing I'll say is that I think it's a little weird that you undertook the workload of leading a weekly educational playgroup for such a large group of kids considering you're not even friends with the other moms. I'm a SAHM and only ever invite moms I'm friends with and 1-2 tops to do the kind of stuff you are talking about.

OP here. I do it for MY CHARGE. At every preschool interview her parents have been at so far this year, the question of classes and playgroups always comes up. And the administrators are very impressed with our organized playgroup. Again, I am 60 years old with a rich and wonderful social life - I am not facilitating the play group to make friends.

I just want my charge to get more experience playing at other children's houses - that is the only reason I want to be invited for a play date occassionaly.

I don't like hosting. We have a very small house and I prefer to get out of the house and do an activity. Maybe change your approach and offer to go to a bouncy or other child friendly place. I'd do that but I'm not inclined to have people over regularly as then I have to scrub the house and be prepared.

[Anonymous]

God, some of you SAHMs are dreadful! This is an amazing thing this nanny is doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MB here and I agree it's not necessarily a caste thing. Some moms would prefer not to hang out with nannies, but plenty are okay with it. One of our playdates includes a couple nannies and another of my mom friends' best "mom friend" is a nanny. Not all MBs are snobs about nannies.

I do agree with PPs that it's probably the dynamic of you as teacher and your group as a class as well as your and your charge's ages that discourage reciprocation. I host a class at my home and even though someone else teaches, it's a lot of work for me to host, as you well know. I don't expect reciprocation as most people don't have the space to host playdates, but we also get very little acknowledgment. I don't think these moms are jerks, they probably just never thought about it. Given the age of your charge, playdates are just as much about the moms/nannies hanging out as it is the kids and you are significantly older than the moms in the group. Once your charge is older and making her own friends, your age won't matter so much.

Last thing I'll say is that I think it's a little weird that you undertook the workload of leading a weekly educational playgroup for such a large group of kids considering you're not even friends with the other moms. I'm a SAHM and only ever invite moms I'm friends with and 1-2 tops to do the kind of stuff you are talking about.

OP here. I do it for MY CHARGE. At every preschool interview her parents have been at so far this year, the question of classes and playgroups always comes up. And the administrators are very impressed with our organized playgroup. Again, I am 60 years old with a rich and wonderful social life - I am not facilitating the play group to make friends.

I just want my charge to get more experience playing at other children's houses - that is the only reason I want to be invited for a play date occassionaly.

So, when is this child going to preschool? Soon?

Take her to the library story time if parents don't want to pay for classes. We are all telling you that the problem is that you are coming across as the teacher. This is not how people make friends and organize play dates. It just isn't. How many times in your many years of nannying have you asked the teacher or library leader for a play date? It really doesn't matter that your child is there, too. You're expecting people to respond to a regular, scheduled, facilitated, and organized event (run by a professional, experienced teacher/caregiver, no less), with a casual invitation for an afternoon one-on-one play date. This isn't the way to make that happen. Invite one or two kids, drop the craft, the book, etc., etc. Make it easier on yourself and get to know the moms.

I'm actually getting the vibe that you have no interest in socializing with the adults; you just want the experience for your charge. Well, as a SAHM, I want the socializing for me, not just the experience for my child, who I think has plenty of play dates and classes (and gym daycare) time with adults I do want to hang out with. That's how play dates work. They aren't an appointment like a class.

OP here. My charge will start preschool next September. Why do you ask?

I think you might be on to something, PP - perhaps the mothers think of the playgroup I host as a class and don't think to reciprocate by asking us on a play-date. I want my charge to have experience playing at other children's homes - no other reason. I think the best think for me to do is simply bring it up.