six weeks in and having trouble adjusting to new oblivious Au Pair

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her hanging around all the time would bug me more than your three examples. Honestly, I just stick to not assuming anything from AP when we are together at a social gathering with kids unless I specifically say, "I am going to the bathroom, can you watch Johnny and make sure he doesn't wander around the pool". The pants would annoy me but I think it is putting you to the edge because you are more upset about other things...like her hanging out 24/7 and not up to par with former APs. Have a discussion with her or rematch. I have learned through this process to screen for independence. I hate the thought of AP home 24/7.

I think you nailed in PP.

OP, your examples are somewhat annoying, but nothing that would fall into the "oblivious" category. Remember, we are talking some 18yo, who is away from home for the first time. What drives you nuts is that she is always around. Is there anything you could do to help her make friends? How about reaching out to the LCC and ask her to help. Maybe, she could put your AP in touch with someone who has been in the area for a couple of months and knows her way around. If your AP is very shy, consider inviting that other AP over for a family dinner to make the connection. What are some of the things that your prior APs enjoyed doing? Maybe there are some Meetups in the area that you could suggest? Did your former APs have AP friends with kids of similar ages? Maybe, you could put your new AP in touch with those APs? I am just brainstorming ideas. The bottom line is that you got lucky and had some mature APs, with developed social skills. And, while technically speaking this is not your job, you may want to invest some time and energy into helping your current AP connect with other folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 3 weeks into our APs arrival I basically "forced" her to go out. It is just not healthy to stay in HP house 24/7. Fast forward 10 months and she is always out...and happy. The way I see it, no young adult was ever sitting in her home country thinking "I want to be an AP so I can hang out with 40 year olds all day and night" So yes, not physically of course, but I verbally (nicely) make them go out. My handbook rule is that they must attend the first 3 months of cluster meetings too.

It worked for your AP, who needed a nudge to put herself out there socially, but some APs simply have no desire to make new friends. Mine thought the other APs were not sophisticated enough or interesting enough for her, so she sat at home all day.

NP here. I cannot imagine that there are APs there who "have no desire to make new friends." I may be naive. But I am thinking that if these young women decide to leave their home country for a year, they probably like to travel, and make new friends. They sure are not doing it for the money. So a hope that a little bit of encouragement would go a long way.

We've had three great AP so far. It took them all about a month to find friends, but we were also helping. We encouraged them to go to the local language group that meets once a week. We actually took them there the first time to make sure they felt comfortable. We emphasize the "adventure" aspect of the program during the matching. And when I email/text an AP after we matched, but before they arrive, I tell them about all the fun things that our current AP is doing. So far, it worked. Or we just got lucky.

It happens.

I recently rematched with a South African who didnt want to make any friends. I offered emails of loval au pairs and she did not reach out or do anything with them. She made one ONE friend with another South African and was not interested after that in doing anything with anyone else...anf hardly did anything with even her fellow countrymate.. She hung out at home ALL.THE.FREAKING.TIME. It drove me and my kids bonkers and ultimately led to the demise of the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About 3 weeks into our APs arrival I basically "forced" her to go out. It is just not healthy to stay in HP house 24/7. Fast forward 10 months and she is always out...and happy. The way I see it, no young adult was ever sitting in her home country thinking "I want to be an AP so I can hang out with 40 year olds all day and night" So yes, not physically of course, but I verbally (nicely) make them go out. My handbook rule is that they must attend the first 3 months of cluster meetings too.

It worked for your AP, who needed a nudge to put herself out there socially, but some APs simply have no desire to make new friends. Mine thought the other APs were not sophisticated enough or interesting enough for her, so she sat at home all day.

NP here. I cannot imagine that there are APs there who "have no desire to make new friends." I may be naive. But I am thinking that if these young women decide to leave their home country for a year, they probably like to travel, and make new friends. They sure are not doing it for the money. So a hope that a little bit of encouragement would go a long way.

We've had three great AP so far. It took them all about a month to find friends, but we were also helping. We encouraged them to go to the local language group that meets once a week. We actually took them there the first time to make sure they felt comfortable. We emphasize the "adventure" aspect of the program during the matching. And when I email/text an AP after we matched, but before they arrive, I tell them about all the fun things that our current AP is doing. So far, it worked. Or we just got lucky.

It happens.

I recently rematched with a South African who didnt want to make any friends. I offered emails of loval au pairs and she did not reach out or do anything with them. She made one ONE friend with another South African and was not interested after that in doing anything with anyone else...anf hardly did anything with even her fellow countrymate.. She hung out at home ALL.THE.FREAKING.TIME. It drove me and my kids bonkers and ultimately led to the demise of the relationship.

We just matched with AP 9, so we've been at this a while. AP 3 never went out. Ever. It was a BIG DEAL when she signed up for evening English classes and went. She was from Brazil and her English was weak, and she was hesitant to speak English with other au pairs. Somehow, that year our cluster had very few Brazilian au pairs, and the single other Brazilian au pair got a boyfriend so she never wanted to hang out with au pairs. So ours spent her free time skyping people back home and a Brazilian au pair she knew from training that lived 2 hours away. Occasionally she visited that friend 2 hours away.

It was the worst year we've had, and we bonded the least with her among our au pairs. There was no effort on her part to develop a relationship with us, so we stopped trying too.

Our LCC pointed out that you can't make an au pair go out (or even come out of her room), particularly if you've already used 45 hours that week (which we did every week). If you aren't using all 45 hours, you could "assign" her to practice driving by going to __________ place, or maybe practice English by going to __________ place and talking to people. But if you assign these interactions as work hours, you're going to have to be willing to fund these excursions as well. Another thought would be to buy two tickets to a sporting event, or two tickets through groupon for something fun, and give them to her and tell her to invite a friend.

We now heavily encourage friendship development among our au pairs, mainly so they have somewhere to go. We fully encourage them to spend time with us, but to balance that with spending time with friends. We "develop friendships" by making sure our au pairs take the same train/plane from training to our house with any other au pairs in our cluster (even if the pickup location is less convenient to us). For our August arrivals, it's often possible to buy cheap Redskins tickets (really!) against a less popular team in the nosebleed seats. Since all au pairs want "American" experiences, last year I bought two tickets (seriously $20 a ticket) to a Redskins game and told our new au pair to invite a friend. Watch Travelzoo and similar websites for these kinds of deals.

[Anonymous]

I wish they addressed this issue at training and cluster meetings. Tell these APs that HPs don't want them just hanging out 24/7 in house...HPs won't be happy but more importantly AP won't be happy. Instead of going over "homework with kids" which is specific to each family, "train" them on how to leave the house, make friends, ideas, example, social media groups, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wish they addressed this issue at training and cluster meetings. Tell these APs that HPs don't want them just hanging out 24/7 in house...HPs won't be happy but more importantly AP won't be happy. Instead of going over "homework with kids" which is specific to each family, "train" them on how to leave the house, make friends, ideas, example, social media groups, etc.

Good point, but it's easier said than done. Still, I agree that it would be an excellent topic to address at cluster meetings.