six weeks in and having trouble adjusting to new oblivious Au Pair
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Anonymous
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So this is our third year in the program to take care of a 5 yo DS and 3 yo DD. The first two au pairs were amazing and really became part of the family (the first one even coming back to visit last year and again this year). The third was also great but had a medical emergency that meant she had to go leave the program to go home for urgent medical treatment and long rehab. When AP # 3 was going back, we went into rematch, since it was still under 3 months and found a decent, pleasant enough young woman who had a horrible HF and was looking to move. We did our due diligence (and really with no better options, since the other rematch options were horrible) we welcomed her to our family. The experience has been mixed, since then, and I'd be curious to hear what other HPs have done in similar situations.
On the positive side, AP # 4 is always smiling, and is very enthusiastic about the US, current affairs, and spending time with our family. The last bit is probably where some of our adjustment issues started. We became very close to our past APs, eating meals together every night, going on trips and family events together, and always having a good amount of tears at the airport. Through all of that one thing we failed to appreciate about them was how independent they were (having their own social lives, etc) and how much space they gave us a family for private time with ourselves (both of us work and have limited time to just talk among ourselves) or with the kids. AP # 4 really, really, really likes to spend time with us, and will just hang out with us all the time, all day, every day. Even on weekends. We have tried to encourage her to go out and make friends with the very active au pair group in her agency, and what not, but she just wants to talk to us and hang out with us. This struck us a little strange at first, but has recently started getting a bit weird, especially when she misses some obvious social cues that would suggest we need to concentrate on something else and can't talk. (e.g. I was saying goodbye to the kids before a business trip, taxi is waiting, kids are crying their eyes out, and she was asking me about time zones!) We recognize that this is probably a personality issue that we just need to come to terms with for the next 8 months or so. However, her obliviousness has started to become an issue in her taking care of the kids as well. She just seems to miss some obvious things that one (at least we) would expect from an adult taking care of a young child. Three examples to illustrate what I mean. 1) She took our kids to DS' end-of-preschool picnic, but got her own food and started eating before settling the kids down first. DW who happened to also be there had to take care of it herself even though we've emphasized that we will stay hands-off when AP is on duty to make a clear distinction to the kids about who is in charge. 2) DW took the AP and kids to a semi-formal dinner party at a cousin's house. AP was not on duty, but in the past when we've taken the previous Au Pairs to family get togethers, they've done the normal thing that family members do and kept an eye on kids while one of us goes to the bathroom or to get food, etc. In this case, DW sat down the kids with food next to AP 4, goes to get her own food, and sees DD playing by the pool by herself. DW ended up coming back from the party without eating. 3) (And this is the one that upset me the most) DS had kiddie soccer last Monday, when it was 92 degrees outside. That night, our son in tears, complains to DW about how AP 4 made him where long track pants to play, even though he wanted to wear shorts. When we asked her about it, she said that she only found a pair of shorts that were "too nice" for him to wear for sports, and so she opted for the long track pants in 92 degree weather at noon. She admitted that he didn't want to wear them, and was crying, but made him anyway. She didn't even tell us all of this, and we had to hear it from the kid, through tears, at the end of the night. We honestly don't know what to make of this. We don't have the APs do anything that isn't childcare related, and have very modest expectations for what the AP needs to do: essentially just getting them to/from activities/school, and keeping them safe. I never, ever would have thought I'd hear that our AP would do something to make my kid cry out of physical discomfort. Could she really be so clueless? I just can't/don't believe she'd do it with a malevolent intent. But, I'm starting to freak out now about whether her lack of attention could become a safety issue for the kids (92 degrees and track pants at soccer?!?!). She also doesn't seem to have realized how stupid this was, so we are planning to discuss this with her again at our weekly recap meeting. We don't want to involve the agency's local coordinator and the formal conflict resolution system at this point, since we'd like to try talking it out and to give her some opportunities to change. What I would like to know from the community is if anybody thinks we're blowing this out or proportion or alternatively, if we're being too relaxed about this. Any advice or suggestions? We're committed to trying to get through the year (despite how uncomfortable it is at home), but in my mind I've decided that if something like this soccer pants bs happens again, she'll have to go, and I'm okay with losing out the matching fees or whatever with the agency. |
Anonymous
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I don't understand your first two examples - sounds like a parent was with the kids too - if you want her to do something when a parent is there, then I think you need to say so - it's probably confusing. Maybe other APs were better at reading cues but this one needs more help. Just tell her.
I agree it's annoying she put the kid in pants - seems wrong to me. Not really a safety issue though - I mean the kid isn't really going to overheat due to pants versus shorts. Assuming appropriate water bottle, etc. But, I would be pissed she didn't listen to the kid and also that she didn't use common sense, which is even nice shorts would be better than long pants. I would tell her that at your meeting. Also, tell her if she isn't sure, defer to the kid or text you. Maybe she just needs more guidance. I wouldn't fire her over this - I would tell her you need her to be more aware. Same with the issue of her hanging around - just tell her when you want family time or whatever. I tell my AP when I need her to leave the kitchen (i'm helping my son study for a test and she is making noise and bothering us), for example. |
Anonymous
OP here. Thanks for the advice. Just wanted to clarify the first two examples. For the school picnic, AP 4 was on duty, and we've made it clear that when she's on duty, it should be like we're gone. We work from home sometimes and the kids can act out if they think they we're home and that they don't need to listen to her. For the family party, she wasn't on duty, but we had the expectation that as someone living with us and accompanying us as a friend/family member that she would do the minimum that a normal person living with a family would do. If I took a random college buddy to a party like that and asked him/her to watch my kid while I went to get food, I'd be pretty disappointed if they failed to do even that. That is not too much to expect from a normal human relationship, is it? |
Anonymous
I think you are sending a mixed message then. If you are there, but AP is on duty, then you are essentially not there according to your rules. If you are there, and AP is off duty, then she should be essentially not there as well. I would keep it consistent, and would never expect an off duty AP to be keeping an eye out for your children, without very explicitly explaining circumstance as to why you are asking her to work on her off duty time, and making sure she is in agreement of the responsibility, if there is any safety issue whatsoever. Assumptions are very dangerous when it comes to kids. Even with grandparents I would say, "I am leaving to go to bathroom, please make sure they don't fall in the pool" |
Anonymous
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I agree with you that she doesn't seem like a natural AP, but I think you're blowing things out of proportion a little.
On #1, I think there are two possible benign explanations depending on the exact facts at play. First, I'm not sure what you mean by "settling the kids down first"? Do you mean she had food, but they did not? Or do you mean they had food, but she didn't physically sit them down with it, ask if they needed anything else, etc before eating? If the latter, she may not have realized they needed help with that part. My 3 and 5 year old wouldn't, for example, unless the set up was more complicated them I'm imagining an end of year picnic to be. Second, I think the "ignore the parents even if they're there" directive may have sailed over her head/she might have thought you didn't mean it in the context of your kid's end of year picnic. Like, I totally get that if you work from home, she pretends you're not there. You're probably physically isolated, out of sight, etc. At an end of the year picnic, unless your DW works at the school, I'm not sure what you mean by "DW who happened to also be there"? Like, assuming she was there to celebrate with your kids, I too would probably have assumed she wanted to actually celebrate with them and the working from home rules did not apply in those circumstances. It would be weird to pretend the kids' mom wasn't there for a kid-focused school event, no? What am I missing? On #2, are you sure she realized she was on sub duty? I wouldn't actually expect my 18 year old niece to know to watch my kids when I went to the bathroom unless I explicitly confirmed that with them. I mean, to be honest, I wouldn't necessarily expect my parents/friends/siblings to realize unless I verbally confirmed it, but particularly not a young distant-er family member (as equates to an AP). Finally, on #3, it may be a cultural/background thing. Is she from a culture or background where wearing "fancy" clothes to soccer would be impossible to imagine? If so, it may just not have occurred to her that that's what you would have expected at all. Also, was the crying soccer player your 3 year old or your 5 year old and are they otherwise prone to tantrums? I'm going to tell you right now that my 2.5 year old DD will occasionally cry/tantrum when she has to put on shorts under a short dress (our rule for going out since she loves to wear some actually-too-small-for-her dresses and we don't want her running around in public with her underwear fully visible) and I would expect our nanny to try to make her wear the shorts anyway. I also wouldn't think of wearing pants in hot weather for an hour as really a safety issue so long as the kid was otherwise appropriately dressed and hydrated. Also, presumably the crying/asking for shorts was pre-heading out, so she probably just thought he was being picky/may have panicked because she couldn't find what she thought were appropriate shorts... It's not like he started sobbing that he was overheated and feeling faint and she made him stay outside in the heat, right? |
Anonymous
| I had an AP very similar to yours, OP, and around weeks 4-6, I saw the red flags but ignored them. In hindsight, I wish I had re-matched. Her lack of common sense and inability to invest in her own social life drive all of us mad, and we all avoided spending time in our own home because she was ALWAYs there. She wasn't a terrible AP, but she was a terrible and selfish housemate, and refused to leave our house at the end of her year. If you think your AP is abnormally dependent on you now, just imagine how it will be after 12 long months. I tried everything- getting her gym memberships, Groupon coupons to various events/classes, etc, but she just shopped for clothes and made zero friends. |
Anonymous
| You should rematch. We are 11 months in with the same aituation of no common sense and it has been a rough year. |
Anonymous
| Her hanging around all the time would bug me more than your three examples. Honestly, I just stick to not assuming anything from AP when we are together at a social gathering with kids unless I specifically say, "I am going to the bathroom, can you watch Johnny and make sure he doesn't wander around the pool". The pants would annoy me but I think it is putting you to the edge because you are more upset about other things...like her hanging out 24/7 and not up to par with former APs. Have a discussion with her or rematch. I have learned through this process to screen for independence. I hate the thought of AP home 24/7. |
Anonymous
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I agree that you need to address the fact she hangs out at home all the time. Make her understand that she's in the US to explore and live things and that you're "afraid" she will regret it at the end of her year. Which is true but you will mainly get back some peace in your own home when she gets out.
About the fact she didn't help when you were invited at someone's place. Both of your fault. You should have asked her to keep an eye on the kids and she should have offered her help. Next time, ask her to help. Problem solved. About the pants, let it go. It could have been worse. It's an honest mistake I could have done myself and I am a professional nanny (former AP). She was afraid the shorts would be ruined ... and maybe thought that your son would hurt his knees less painfully with pants than shorts ... Just trying to understand here. Yes it was hot, but it's not a big deal. Have a talk with her! |
Anonymous
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Get your kid some more soccer clothing - tell her it is specifically for soccer. Problem solved.
If she is not working, do not expect her to watch the kids. |
Anonymous
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I agree with 06/13/2017 14:04, especially on #2.
When we are out with the kids I know I have an eye on them (DH and AP might as well but I KNOW I do) and if I leave them to get food or go to the bathroom I will even tell DH to please keep an eye on them while I am gone. Just to make sure that somebody is actually watching them. I will never assume that somebody else (DH, AP, my mom) notices me leaving, realizes I am not taking the kids and watches them while I am gone. That's how accidents happen and kids drown in backyard pools. Because A thought B would watch them and B thought A was watching them or didn't even realize A was gone. If she has 8 months left AND is a rematch (assuming she is in her first year) she can't have been with you for more than a couple of months? Communicate. More clearly. Tell her what you want/need done. Your previous APs might have spoiled you by "knowing" what to do. She doesn't. Tell her. I don't quite understand the situation in your first issue but that might be us. I understand working from home and "not being there" (because while you might be physically present you simply don't have time to watch your kids or play with them) but why would you "not be there" for an end-of-preschool picnic? I assume your DW went to be there to celebrate, allowing the AP to be 'in charge' because she is working is one thing (backing up your AP in front of the kids is important for them to learn to listen to her) but being so hands off that you won't even help your kids get food seems a bit odd to me. If we are around and not working, even if the AP is in charge, we figure we are still the parents. They are still our responsibility. We will still help them get food or take them to the bathroom. We will ask AP to go to the bathroom with the kids (because she is working), we expect her to run around with them (more than fat old mommy), bonus points for going down slides or climbing trees, if she says no we will back her up (and that includes you misbehave, no ice cream) even if we might not 100% agree with her. For special situations - birthday parties, picnics etc. - we have decided to base our work on communication. We will never expect or assume another person (AP, grandparent, parent, aunt, teacher) to do anything. If we want somebody to do something, even if we think it's the only sensible thing to do or action to take, we say it. "DH, can you get the kids something to drink" or "Mom, can you watch Larla while I run to the bathroom" or "AP can you could you get Larlo a piece of cake while I change Larla's diaper" takes all but 30 seconds to say and helps so much to make things run more smoothly. Let the pants go. Yes, long track pants are unfomfortable in 92 degree weather but soccer at noon in 92 degree weather would have been just as uncomfortable in shorts. Especially in fancy dress shorts which are likely buttoned up and not overly comfortable for soccer. Get them a couple of pairs of suitable short soccer shorts, put them where the long track pants are and all is well. With our oldest I am sure they would have whined about that soccer practice no matter what (heck, I would have whined about being stuck at practice for ever in weather like that). But DO get her out of the house. If she doesn't get social cues tell her. If you can't tell her then and there (as when DW left for her business trip) you tell her later. "AP4, when I left, the kids were very upset. It would have been great if you could have comforted them instead of making small talk with me. The kids are your top priority. We can chat about time zones afterwards or you can ask DW later." But if you need a moment alone there is nothing wrong with saying "AP4, we love having you around, be we need to discuss something in private." (Also, same as with young kids, locked bathroom doors are sometimes the only thing that helps) If your previous APs had a close friend in the area, tell them to call that friend and tell them to call your AP, pick them up, take them places etc. Some APs need to be forced to get to know people. Or ask your LCC if there is somebody in the cluster who is good about inviting new APs out for coffee, tell your LCC to make that one call, set up a date for a fun outing, make your AP get out of the house. I am sure as soon as you get more private time you will stop being upset about long track pants for soccer practice. |
Anonymous
| You can't force an AP to socialize, or "get out of the house" when she really doesn't want to. That's why it is crazy-making, and it will be a constant source of friction. |
Anonymous
About 3 weeks into our APs arrival I basically "forced" her to go out. It is just not healthy to stay in HP house 24/7. Fast forward 10 months and she is always out...and happy. The way I see it, no young adult was ever sitting in her home country thinking "I want to be an AP so I can hang out with 40 year olds all day and night"  So yes, not physically of course, but I verbally (nicely) make them go out. My handbook rule is that they must attend the first 3 months of cluster meetings too.
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Anonymous
It worked for your AP, who needed a nudge to put herself out there socially, but some APs simply have no desire to make new friends. Mine thought the other APs were not sophisticated enough or interesting enough for her, so she sat at home all day. |
Anonymous
NP here. I cannot imagine that there are APs there who "have no desire to make new friends." I may be naive. But I am thinking that if these young women decide to leave their home country for a year, they probably like to travel, and make new friends. They sure are not doing it for the money. So a hope that a little bit of encouragement would go a long way. We've had three great AP so far. It took them all about a month to find friends, but we were also helping. We encouraged them to go to the local language group that meets once a week. We actually took them there the first time to make sure they felt comfortable. We emphasize the "adventure" aspect of the program during the matching. And when I email/text an AP after we matched, but before they arrive, I tell them about all the fun things that our current AP is doing. So far, it worked. Or we just got lucky. |