Nanny suffered tremendous personal loss...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lost my husband suddenly and continued to work - probably worked even harder as it kept my mind off my sorrow. I actually asked my MB not to mention it. I would collapse into tears when I got home but I was still a good nanny when I was with my charge.

Your nanny is being "young" for lack of a better word. You need to start demanding more from her and stop being her confidante.

Yeah, no. OP, please don't "demand more from her" and refuse to listen to her. That will do nothing but cause her to be even more emotionally unstable. Be as caring and kind as you you would want your employer to treat you if you were in her shoes.. It's also not a bad idea to have a conversation with her about whether or not she'd like to continue working at a job that, like a PP said, leaves her alone with her thoughts all day. If she would like to take some time off, be as accommodating as you can. If she agrees that maybe a new job would be best for her, now would be a great time you lend her any resources, advice, or contacts you might have to help her on her job search. Help her out as much as you can, and I promise, when she is mentally and emotionally more stable, she will really appreciate everything you did for her.

You haven't been through the loss of a spouse, PP - I have. Working is the best thing she can do for herself, not coming to work and talking about her loss over and over again. Children are very renewing and a gift in times of grief IF you throw yourself into their world. OP should absolutely demand more from her and not less.

Excuse me, PP? How on earth would you know if I've been through the loss of a spouse? You really have some nerve to tell an anonymous stranger on the internet whether or not they've been through something. You have no idea the hardships I've faced, because I'm not going around announcing them loudly so that the people reading this thread will take me more seriously. Either way- everyone experiences grief differently and needs different ways of coping. Good for you that throwing yourself into your work helped you feel better. That's not going to be the case for everyone. Some need time away from everyone or a change of pace. I hope no one close to you ever goes through something like this- you don't seem like you'd be a very supportive friend.

NP here - Have you experienced the loss of a spouse?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I lost my husband suddenly and continued to work - probably worked even harder as it kept my mind off my sorrow. I actually asked my MB not to mention it. I would collapse into tears when I got home but I was still a good nanny when I was with my charge.

Your nanny is being "young" for lack of a better word. You need to start demanding more from her and stop being her confidante.

Yeah, no. OP, please don't "demand more from her" and refuse to listen to her. That will do nothing but cause her to be even more emotionally unstable. Be as caring and kind as you you would want your employer to treat you if you were in her shoes.. It's also not a bad idea to have a conversation with her about whether or not she'd like to continue working at a job that, like a PP said, leaves her alone with her thoughts all day. If she would like to take some time off, be as accommodating as you can. If she agrees that maybe a new job would be best for her, now would be a great time you lend her any resources, advice, or contacts you might have to help her on her job search. Help her out as much as you can, and I promise, when she is mentally and emotionally more stable, she will really appreciate everything you did for her.

You haven't been through the loss of a spouse, PP - I have. Working is the best thing she can do for herself, not coming to work and talking about her loss over and over again. Children are very renewing and a gift in times of grief IF you throw yourself into their world. OP should absolutely demand more from her and not less.

Excuse me, PP? How on earth would you know if I've been through the loss of a spouse? You really have some nerve to tell an anonymous stranger on the internet whether or not they've been through something. You have no idea the hardships I've faced, because I'm not going around announcing them loudly so that the people reading this thread will take me more seriously. Either way- everyone experiences grief differently and needs different ways of coping. Good for you that throwing yourself into your work helped you feel better. That's not going to be the case for everyone. Some need time away from everyone or a change of pace. I hope no one close to you ever goes through something like this- you don't seem like you'd be a very supportive friend.

NP here - Have you experienced the loss of a spouse?

Stop responding to that PP. She trolls this board and plays "devil's advocate" in every case. She's also the one who regularly suggests hiring help for your nanny, or that you stay home and do the nanny's job because it's too hard for her.

[Anonymous]

Just give her sometime OP. I actually lost my spouse shortly after giving birth. I took a few months before I started looking for a job. I found one about 4 months after. I showed up to work every day with a smile...right after crying my eyes out in the car. The baby I was caring for actually made things easier for me. My own baby was a joy but I tended to get sad around him because of his loss. Babies make me happy so I was fine at work. I think all she needs is time and understanding. I think you've been generous so far but unless you see evidence of neglect, I would just let her be...especially seeing your baby is still so young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just give her sometime OP. I actually lost my spouse shortly after giving birth. I took a few months before I started looking for a job. I found one about 4 months after. I showed up to work every day with a smile...right after crying my eyes out in the car. The baby I was caring for actually made things easier for me. My own baby was a joy but I tended to get sad around him because of his loss. Babies make me happy so I was fine at work. I think all she needs is time and understanding. I think you've been generous so far but unless you see evidence of neglect, I would just let her be...especially seeing your baby is still so young.

OP here. Thank you for your thoughtful response and for sharing your experience. I am so sorry for your loss, your resilience is inspiring! I think you're right. Will let it be for now.

[Anonymous]

Remember how much time and energy is wasted to replace a nanny. Hang in there. She may appreciate your sticking by her a whole lot more once she's past her grief.

But stop spending time to listen to her and be sympathetic. You already did so. You can't let your work be influenced, one could start to get resentful.
Fortunately, age-wise, one can give less than optimal care to a 9 month old and it'll be just fine. A few weeks or 6 weeks, I'd keep the nanny. If more, I'd have to start telling her it's hard on you. Then give her 2-3 weeks to improve or else.

[Anonymous]

Btw, 3 weeks was generous, op. Good to hear of such stories.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just give her sometime OP. I actually lost my spouse shortly after giving birth. I took a few months before I started looking for a job. I found one about 4 months after. I showed up to work every day with a smile...right after crying my eyes out in the car. The baby I was caring for actually made things easier for me. My own baby was a joy but I tended to get sad around him because of his loss. Babies make me happy so I was fine at work. I think all she needs is time and understanding. I think you've been generous so far but unless you see evidence of neglect, I would just let her be...especially seeing your baby is still so young.

OP here. Thank you for your thoughtful response and for sharing your experience. I am so sorry for your loss, your resilience is inspiring! I think you're right. Will let it be for now.

You're welcome and thank you! Grief isn't something you get over; it's something you learn to manage. One day, your nanny will get there. The first year is the absolute worst but it gets easier each day. I still have rough days but I have a beautiful child who keeps me smiling.

[Anonymous]

Keep us updated, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep us updated, PP.

OP here. Thanks again to all who gave such good advice. Nanny is getting back in the swing of things, I've returned to actually being productive at work and things are going well. I think having a baby to look after is actually more helpful than an older child who might ask questions about why she's sad. The baby is generally happy, and nanny is finding some small joy in watching her discover her world. She gets a few hours a week paid to go to grief counseling.

It'll be a long road for her but we are here to support her. And I appreciate the support you all have given me.

[Anonymous]

OP, thanks so much for the update. Glad to hear that things are moving in a good direction with everyone.

Blessings to your nanny, and your family.

[Anonymous]

Nice to hear OP and good to hear you are supporting her as well. Must mean a lot to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Keep us updated, PP.

OP here. Thanks again to all who gave such good advice. Nanny is getting back in the swing of things, I've returned to actually being productive at work and things are going well. I think having a baby to look after is actually more helpful than an older child who might ask questions about why she's sad. The baby is generally happy, and nanny is finding some small joy in watching her discover her world. She gets a few hours a week paid to go to grief counseling.

It'll be a long road for her but we are here to support her. And I appreciate the support you all have given me.

MB and earlier pp here. You are a kind and generous employer. Glad things are going well.

[Anonymous]

I had a rough 8 or 9 months after a loss. It coincided with some of my own health issues. It was an awful year. I did not talk to my employers about it, but I did have challenges in doing my everyday work. I had been with the family for 5 or so years at that point. I'm a few years out of the worst part of grief and still with the same employers. My performance is definitely good now.

Can you find a way to be away from the house? You may need to separate from her so you're not the primary caregiver or sounding board. Giving her the info for grief counseling may be useful, but it's not going to heal her overnight. Leaving her to do her work maybe the kind of thing she needs to throw herself into fully to make it through this. Is working outside the house feasible? If not, can you tell her your workload is out of control and she won't see you much during the day?