Please help! On the verge of quitting

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have your MB and DB given permission for you to speak to the OT? If not, that is incredibly unprofessional on the OT's part.

If you do have permission, then they may be open to your help and feedback.

Lol don't worry I'm listed as his guardian and all of his therapist are to report to me about his progress. The OT has no choice since my mb and she play phone tag and the mom has NEVER been present at any appointments that he has ever had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This relationship doesn't sound like a fit OP. I think you should look for something else.

I'm an MB and I agree with your opinions about managing the child's behavior. But if the parents don't agree, or if they can't or won't change their behavior there is little you can do.

And these lines of your last update I find disturbing and inappropriate:
I said nope! he knows you're going to comfort him
and frankly this is disgusting and we shouldn't give him
an audience. I turned the kitchen lights off and pushed
her towards the other room and told him no thank you,
we don't want to be around this.

If you are in such a spot that you are telling your employer that her behavior is disgusting, and that you are physically pushing her, then you have passed the point at which you and the parents can work together well.

It was disgusting and very disturbing. I think she needed to hear that from me. This is the only 3 year old she's ever had to deal with, guess how many I've had to deal with over the years. I called his actions disgusting not hers. And I didn't push her perse, but more so guided her out of the room. When you have more Han one child you have to think about both of them not just the one that is acting out. His brother is soaking it all in and he shouldn't have to be a part of that. I don't regret it at all. And she thanked me and has been leaving him to his own devices since when he has a tantrum

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have your MB and DB given permission for you to speak to the OT? If not, that is incredibly unprofessional on the OT's part.

If you do have permission, then they may be open to your help and feedback.

Lol don't worry I'm listed as his guardian and all of his therapist are to report to me about his progress. The OT has no choice since my mb and she play phone tag and the mom has NEVER been present at any appointments that he has ever had.

NO problem then. Take him home with you and keep him. You are the legal guardian.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you.

My situation is same-same-but-different as the mom is an OT and blames everything her 7yo does on some sensory something or other that he does not have. Then he goes to a not-school without rules or boundaries, he's been kicked out multiple times in the past few months - they even told his parents to bring him in from 8-10am every day and then take him home. And when he was being obscenely rude and aggressive with me and I spoke to them about it, their response was all, "we will talk to him about it but we don't want to push him away." Oh my god he is 7 teach him some fucking boundaries! No you cannot just jump on people's heads. No you may not call adults "Fart" instead of their names. No, you may not spit at an adult when they ask you to do or not do something. Zero consequences. I'm about to quit and blame something else because they are so brainwashed by this stupid school into thinking this is the right way to raise kids.

And I even got the same type of expert comment! She's all, "at first I was opposed to the Legos, I'm so relieved to see them taking them apart and building new things." I said, "yeah, that's what Legos are for, all kids do that." "NO," she says, "Miss Melissa (teacher at this fake school) says they just follow the instructions once and then it's done."

Oh, okay then, nevermind my 20+ years of working with children! you're right! all those kids I've known must've been outliers or something... Arrgghhhhhh.

Sorry, this turned into a rant of my own, but hot damn this sounds like the same enabling and excuse making I'm seeing. I really commend you for trying to work through this with them and teach them more productive approaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you can really help this family a lot if you are able to deal with the craziness for awhile longer. Maybe give it six months and then evaluate? I think it's important not to reevaluate the job every day- maybe set a few times during the six months where you decide to check in with yourself and the family and see if it is still working but try not to second guess each day. Hard to do but I find with situations like this that I am constantly struggling about whether to stay or whether to go and maybe it is better to set a firm timeline for giving it a try for a bit longer

Thank you so much! I think you are right and I need to stop thinking about it so much and wait a period then reevaluate. After all he doesn't misbehave with me anyway. One of his therapists has given the parents a chart to document his tantrums, the trigger, duration and consequence. It's for us all and she wants them to notice the pattern that they only occur with them even over the slightest thing. I noticed that the consequence section was being left blank and spoke to my mb to explain what the therapist wants. She said by the time the tantrums end they are so relieved they don't do anything but move forward with the day. Thing is he is so clever he realizes this and knows nothing will occur. I'm just going to hang in there and keep checking in with them about their evenings and give tips. I made a joke to his ot that I should pop up one Sunday afternoon and see how he behaves, or tell them to not let him know I'm there and guide them through it lol. They are really clueless but the ability to conceive doesn't mean you'll know what to do later and I have to remember that. I just worry that they want him medicated and he doesn't need that at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have your MB and DB given permission for you to speak to the OT? If not, that is incredibly unprofessional on the OT's part.

If you do have permission, then they may be open to your help and feedback.

Lol don't worry I'm listed as his guardian and all of his therapist are to report to me about his progress. The OT has no choice since my mb and she play phone tag and the mom has NEVER been present at any appointments that he has ever had.

NO problem then. Take him home with you and keep him. You are the legal guardian.

Oh I see a smart ass. I'm listed as his guardian and caregiver on his paper work for all of his therapy sessions and Doctor appts etc. No where did I state legal[i] guardian outside of that realm. But maybe I should take him home with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you.

My situation is same-same-but-different as the mom is an OT and blames everything her 7yo does on some sensory something or other that he does not have. Then he goes to a not-school without rules or boundaries, he's been kicked out multiple times in the past few months - they even told his parents to bring him in from 8-10am every day and then take him home. And when he was being obscenely rude and aggressive with me and I spoke to them about it, their response was all, "we will talk to him about it but we don't want to push him away." Oh my god he is 7 teach him some fucking boundaries! No you cannot just jump on people's heads. No you may not call adults "Fart" instead of their names. No, you may not spit at an adult when they ask you to do or not do something. Zero consequences. I'm about to quit and blame something else because they are so brainwashed by this stupid school into thinking this is the right way to raise kids.

And I even got the same type of expert comment! She's all, "at first I was opposed to the Legos, I'm so relieved to see them taking them apart and building new things." I said, "yeah, that's what Legos are for, all kids do that." "NO," she says, "Miss Melissa (teacher at this fake school) says they just follow the instructions once and then it's done."

Oh, okay then, nevermind my 20+ years of working with children! you're right! all those kids I've known must've been outliers or something... Arrgghhhhhh.

Sorry, this turned into a rant of my own, but hot damn this sounds like the same enabling and excuse making I'm seeing. I really commend you for trying to work through this with them and teach them more productive approaches.

Op here. lol I don't mind the rant at all. Let it all out sister! I'm just glad that I'm not crazy and others can somewhat sympathize with me. I hate it that your charge is already so old and the fact that his mom is an ot is really disappointing. This is what upsets me when they are tossing around this disorder or that. I'm thinking how insulting it is for parents that really do have kids living on the spectrum or sensory issues, adhd etc. (she tossed that one at me recently saying that whoever she talked to said it will be severe because it's so bad at 3 gmafb) if she could see what life is really like she would be so thankful and simply discipline him. But with your case I feel for you because he even acts out at school. Not everyone is meant to be parents sadly

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have your MB and DB given permission for you to speak to the OT? If not, that is incredibly unprofessional on the OT's part.

If you do have permission, then they may be open to your help and feedback.

Lol don't worry I'm listed as his guardian and all of his therapist are to report to me about his progress. The OT has no choice since my mb and she play phone tag and the mom has NEVER been present at any appointments that he has ever had.

NO problem then. Take him home with you and keep him. You are the legal guardian.

Not OP, but another BTDT nanny. When I've nannied for families who wouldn't be available to handle school, medical and other issues, I had paperwork authorizing me to act as a temporary guardian. When a parent isn't there, the nanny is the only logical choice, as she's the one talking to the school and doctors. Sometimes the parent is military, but other times it's simply that they travel for work. Whatever the reason, they aren't there and they can't handle it without help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like you can really help this family a lot if you are able to deal with the craziness for awhile longer. Maybe give it six months and then evaluate? I think it's important not to reevaluate the job every day- maybe set a few times during the six months where you decide to check in with yourself and the family and see if it is still working but try not to second guess each day. Hard to do but I find with situations like this that I am constantly struggling about whether to stay or whether to go and maybe it is better to set a firm timeline for giving it a try for a bit longer

Thank you so much! I think you are right and I need to stop thinking about it so much and wait a period then reevaluate. After all he doesn't misbehave with me anyway. One of his therapists has given the parents a chart to document his tantrums, the trigger, duration and consequence. It's for us all and she wants them to notice the pattern that they only occur with them even over the slightest thing. I noticed that the consequence section was being left blank and spoke to my mb to explain what the therapist wants. She said by the time the tantrums end they are so relieved they don't do anything but move forward with the day. Thing is he is so clever he realizes this and knows nothing will occur. I'm just going to hang in there and keep checking in with them about their evenings and give tips. I made a joke to his ot that I should pop up one Sunday afternoon and see how he behaves, or tell them to not let him know I'm there and guide them through it lol. They are really clueless but the ability to conceive doesn't mean you'll know what to do later and I have to remember that. I just worry that they want him medicated and he doesn't need that at all.

Do they have nanny cams and a bluetooth earpiece? Perhaps one day with you in the office (or somewhere else in the house, but not visible) so that you can watch everything unfold, giving them encouragement and suggestions via bluetooth to deal with the tantrums would help them see that it is possible?

[Anonymous]

About the chart - the "consequence" isn't supposed to be what they give him as a consequence, but rather what happened as a result of his behavior? What did he get out of it?

Example:

Behavior: Child throws plate on floor, then starts screaming and throwing eveyrthing onto floor

Antecedent: (what happened right before this?) - Child requested more cheetos, Mom said, "you may have more cheetos once you taste your grapes."

Consequence: Child cried for 10 minutes at table. After that, mother gave cheetos. Child didn't eat anything but cheetos.

OR (depending on what really happened): Meal ended because child was so distraught. Child didn't try grapes. Also didn't get cheetos.

So you can see that the child instigated a method to get out of grapes, and didnt' have to eat those grapes, right?

I did these charts when children were biting as 18-24 months old (I was a toddler teacher at the time): Child Y bites Child X. Antecedent: Child Y playing with truck. Child X walks over and pulls it away. Child Y bites.
Consequence: Child X cries, Child Y gets truckk back.

In this example, you can see that the biting WORKS. The taker dropped it, the original owner got it back, from a child's POV, it works. Why change what ain't broken? Of course, I wanted child to stop biting, I wanted child to say, No, Stop. Or Mine, give it back. Or something. So when I realized that the biting only occurred when an object was taken from the biter, then I could make sure I was always there when he/she had favored objects. For some kids, their behavior would spiral during transitions, when we were cleaning up to go outside, clenaing up for lunch, etc. Things were busy, there wasn't a lot of direction, kids were milling about putting stuff away, putting on/off coats, and this was overwhelming for the child. In that circumstance, I could make sure it was less overwhelming and I had lots of methods I learned.

So the ANTECEDENT is really important - what time of day? what was happening? What was request, expectation, or whatever that was asked, told, expected of child? And what did the child get out of the behavior? Get out of playing piano because of the 10 minute tantrum? Etc.

[Anonymous]

I am an mb and mom of a SN kiddo. It's hard with a SN little- because if I just described my son through his label(s) folks would run. But under disclosing is also not fair- to the nanny or my son. I always mention- and am open to discussions beforehand. We've had only one change in nanny so far- and we had the new candidates shadow our old nanny for about a week. We wanted her to get to know our son- and be aware of the challenges.
If your charge is 3- his parents are learning the balance.
You are right though, it has to be addressed and you need to be supported.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would quit, because if you quit now 1) You can blame it on personal circumstances and they will buy it and 2) it is a short enough gig that you don't really need the reference.

If you work for them a year, spend the entire time scolding them for the way they (fail to) parent their kid, then eventually quit because they aren't actually changing at all, then they are going to know the real reason you are quitting and if they hold it against you you will be stuck with a gap in your resume.

They are not stupid; they are in denial. They get something out of having a kid with all these made up diagnoses and behavior problems. On some level, they are HAPPY with the way things are. So you either decide that you are fine with this family exactly as they are or you move on, but trying to "fix" them is just going to bite you in the ass.

If you really think that they just don't realize that he could be any different, ask them to install a dropcam so that they can watch how he behaves with you all day. Tell them you'd like to be sure that they approve of your technique for handling XYZ, then let them draw their own conclusions.

As for the suggestions here about how to help, those all only apply if the family actually wants to change. Sounds to me like they want their son to be "difficult" more than they want to examine their own behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am an mb and mom of a SN kiddo. It's hard with a SN little- because if I just described my son through his label(s) folks would run. But under disclosing is also not fair- to the nanny or my son. I always mention- and am open to discussions beforehand. We've had only one change in nanny so far- and we had the new candidates shadow our old nanny for about a week. We wanted her to get to know our son- and be aware of the challenges.
If your charge is 3- his parents are learning the balance.
You are right though, it has to be addressed and you need to be supported.

Overlap with nannies is a good thing 99% of the time. More parents should consider making this important investment, at least for their child's sake.

The above poster is a good parent. Kudos to her.