Please help! On the verge of quitting

[Anonymous]

I only have a second while my charge is in an appointment. I've been with this family for around a month now and things are going well for the most part. When I interviewed for the position they told me he has a sensory processing disorder. I've worked with children with the same issues before and have not noticed. The family avoids questions of a clinical diagnosis. He goes to OT 2 times a week and has an inclusion specialist that stays with him at school. I have built great relationships with both of his specialists and both have told me that his issues are behavioral and that he is aware of his actions and none of us have issues with him behaving. Initially he tested us all and saw that it differed from the reactions of his parents.

My issue is that once his parents come through the door he gets very wild and disrespectful towards me. We have damn near perfect days! He uses his manners he listens well and follows directions. We don't have to deal with tantrums or melt downs. However immediately when mom or dad walk in he throws toys at me, throws food, slams doors in my face and yells at me. It's ridiculous. Today his dad was in and out and he took advantage of that. He instantly began running around with pretzels in his mouth and when I asked him to sit down while he eats like usual he threw them and toys. I got up to talk to him about his choices and he slammed his door on me. I take things away when children misuse them. I explained he would not be getting the pretzels back and the toys he through would be put away for another day. He began fake crying and asking his dad to hold him. Not only did his dad coddle him, but he gave his pretzels back and kept repeating tell her you're sorry. All of his caregivers including me have been vocal o them that training him to say sorry with no consequence is pointless. Yet there it was. He has had at least 3 nannies over the past 6 months. I condenser myself resilient and don't like to give up on kids. I love him and his baby brother but worry about him mimicking his actions as he grows. I'm wondering if I should have a sit down with them or just start looking again? Or should I just let them know that when they are home don't expect me to be around or "on" if I'm undermined.

My background:

10 years experience as a Montessori and traditional preschool teacher
Degree in ec
And this is my 5th family
Kids are 3 and 10 months

[Anonymous]

You should absolutely have a sit down with the parents! They most likely have no clue what is going on. Explain what concerns you and then give suggestions. Don't worry about the medical diagnosis for now, just focus on what you need from the parents to be able to do your job.

I'll also point out that he's 3- the toughest age for many kids.

[Anonymous]

Talk to them. Three nannies in 6 months and they still haven't got the message that there is something drastically wrong with them? Give them to shape up or you ship out

[Anonymous]

These parents don't really care about this child. Or they're really dumb.

[Anonymous]

OP here. thank you all for your responses. I spoke with his OT therapist and happen to have with her boss before and she had a meeting with me. They say the same thing as you all and she suggested some things I can do. she also said that the parents rather look for an excuse or quick fix for him instead of realizing that they are the ones with the issues. She gave me contact info for a therapist for PARENTS that will help guide them and see that their guilt for working and not spending enough time with him should not override discipline. She also suggested I have an short activity available for him to do with his mom or dad when they first come home so that he gets their attention. There have been days where he will hide my belongings or throw them and block the front door to keep me from going home. Hopefully this combined with me speaking up and giving a subtle warning to them will help and make them stop this mess.

They are willing to do anything but see that it starts with them. He won't even go to bed for them until close to 10 at night and will continue to get up during the night and fight through sleep despite his tiredness and multiple doses of melatonin. Ive babysat for them in the evening before and he went to bed just fine and takes naps for me fine everyday. At first I thought he only napped because he lacked sleep in the evening but nope, he won't nap for them when Im off or on the weekends either. Now they have had a sleep study done on him where they hooked him up to machines etc and tubed his nose! what were they thinking? like he would actually be able to rest during that? The mom is now saying the neurologist says he has sleep apnea and still no diagnosis has actually been given to him but just more labels. He even sleeps for the grandparents who have refused to watch him anymore

[Anonymous]

This is ridiculous. I hate that parents don't want to do what is best for their children, but there's nothing you can do. The specialists have talked to the parents, you have talked to the parents, but the parents don't want to listen to you or them. If the grandparents were able to manage the situation and have the child nap, it sounds like they say the issues and dealt with them, but it also sounds like the parents won't listen to them either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is ridiculous. I hate that parents don't want to do what is best for their children, but there's nothing you can do. The specialists have talked to the parents, you have talked to the parents, but the parents don't want to listen to you or them. If the grandparents were able to manage the situation and have the child nap, it sounds like they say the issues and dealt with them, but it also sounds like the parents won't listen to them either.

well I had a sit down with mb tonight when she came home. I heard a lot of "I agree"s. but I feel like it just isn't quite clicking. Now she is saying he has adhd and its going to get worse as he grows because he shows so many signs at the age of 3. *long sigh* I actually brought up adhd to the occupational therapists today and tossed it out there that he may have it but very mildly. there are no severe signs. and the only reason I even said that was due to his energy level and how quickly he can lose focus on things. BUT i also have to remember he is only a 3 year old boy and thats typical to a degree. but at the same time kids that really have these disorders and deal with adhd can't just turn it on and off. If that were the case he wouldn't be able to control himself everywhere at all times until his parents are in his presence. Whenever Ive had children like that for students they had just as many melt downs and tantrums with me and other caregivers as they do their parents. So basically its just another excuse. I wish this point would've came to me during our talk but I had notes and was caught off guard by it. I will the next time we speak about this.

I watched him have a melt down with her right before my very eyes tonight. He went into a cabinet and grabbed a box of mac n cheese and said he wanted it for dinner. She said ok that is fine. when she saw him trying to tear it open she told him not right now which made him go off. He began screaming and trying to take the box back nearly pulled her and the baby to the ground and then ran back to the pantry to get a different one. At that point I stepped in and moved him and locked the door which made him start kicking and beating on it frantically. He turned into a monster. I looked at her and asked what does she do when he goes off this way? she said tries to calm him down. I said nope! he knows you're going to comfort him and frankly this is disgusting and we shouldn't give him an audience. I turned the kitchen lights off and pushed her towards the other room and told him no thank you, we don't want to be around this. I asked her to do the same thing next time. Just because he wants to act crazy doesn't mean it has to affect us. Immediately he came out calm. OMG I just want us all to be on the same accord and I love this family and feel for them, but common sense is very lacking. Ill give it a couple of more days then we may have to have another sit down with all 3 of us.

[Anonymous]

I think that if you are willing to stay for a year, you will be able to come out on the other side of this. It will take that much time to slowly train the child AND the parents how to behave. It will take patience, confidence and diplomacy on your part.

[Anonymous]

I've had a job like yours OP, except my charge's diagnosis was on the Autism Spectrum. I also have a background in Social Work and have worked with many children with special and additional needs.

After an initial getting to know me period my charge was very well behaved with me, but things changed as soon as mom walked through the door. He would often threaten to bang his head or bite his hand to get his mom to do or more commonly give him what he wanted. I stayed for a year, but I'll be honest and tell you it was one of the hardest years of my life. I just found it really difficult to work so hard on things but see no changes at home with mom simply because she didn't want to put in the effort and always took the easy way.

My charge was older than yours though and he was often physically aggressive when he got mad, so it was a very taxing position both mentally and physically.

Best of luck. I hope it works out for you!

[Anonymous]

Whatever they are paying you it needs to be tripled! This kid is a horrible brat.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP if it was me I'd start looking for another job what you're describing sounds like too much and overall stressful

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you can really help this family a lot if you are able to deal with the craziness for awhile longer. Maybe give it six months and then evaluate? I think it's important not to reevaluate the job every day- maybe set a few times during the six months where you decide to check in with yourself and the family and see if it is still working but try not to second guess each day. Hard to do but I find with situations like this that I am constantly struggling about whether to stay or whether to go and maybe it is better to set a firm timeline for giving it a try for a bit longer

[Anonymous]

This relationship doesn't sound like a fit OP. I think you should look for something else.

I'm an MB and I agree with your opinions about managing the child's behavior. But if the parents don't agree, or if they can't or won't change their behavior there is little you can do.

And these lines of your last update I find disturbing and inappropriate:
I said nope! he knows you're going to comfort him
and frankly this is disgusting and we shouldn't give him
an audience. I turned the kitchen lights off and pushed
her towards the other room and told him no thank you,
we don't want to be around this.

If you are in such a spot that you are telling your employer that her behavior is disgusting, and that you are physically pushing her, then you have passed the point at which you and the parents can work together well.

[Anonymous]

I think there's hope in your story OP! You showed the mom how it was done and it worked. It sounds like she has no idea what to do with him - and if I were in her shoes I'd absolutely start implementing the discipline techniques you demonstrated, as they were actually effective.

Keep leading her, as gently as possible. I bet it can all work out well.

[Anonymous]

Have your MB and DB given permission for you to speak to the OT? If not, that is incredibly unprofessional on the OT's part.

If you do have permission, then they may be open to your help and feedback.