Anyone had an au pair return home due to homesickness?

[Anonymous]

Yes, after she was hospitalized for depression from homesickness. Better to go home now than when it escalates.

[Anonymous]

Yep. Never getting an only child with a Stay at home mom again. So spoiled and self-centered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. Never getting an only child with a Stay at home mom again. So spoiled and self-centered.

Totally agree; we are in the same situation. I think she will go home to mom soon. Two hour long heart to hearts (!) just aren’t cutting it, she needs constant affirmation all day long.

[Anonymous]

What happens when an au pair goes home for homesickness?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. Never getting an only child with a Stay at home mom again. So spoiled and self-centered.

Yes! I spent so much time trying to make things work with an only child with stay at home mom. It was exhausting. Add it to it overall materialistic tendencies and being spoiled. I didn't want that example being set for my children either.

I will only interview aupairs who have lived on their own and who have siblings now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi Guys what happend if the agency don’t give to the aupair her 72. Hours of English ?

If this is broken english for a complaint that the host family isn't giving the aupair time to take english classes, than that is a question for the LCC. No one owes the aupair anything if she didn't take the english courses or arrange it with her host family. If she is being told that she can't take her classes. that is an issue for the LCC to help solve.

Aupairs are not entitled for time off of work during the previously agreed to schedule for their college courses. It still needs to be agreed to or taking during the off hours. They are entitled to transportation.

[Anonymous]

Current aupair suffering from homesickness here (who won't probably leave early but wants to give a different perspective): I absolutely understand where you are all coming from. You count on someone to be around to help you with your children, I know it's a hard process to find the person and it really messes up with your your plans. That being that, you need you take into account that:
1. You are mostly employing young people (even if they are in the mid 20s, they are still young) probably trying to figure themselves out. Being an aupair is a big decision and it takes a lot of courage, which should be acknowledged. However, we (all of us) sometimes make mistakes and we should be allowed to and if they thought they could handle the experience but it turns out that can't, it is not their fault. I am sure they more than anyone would like to be okay but that's not something you can chose and if it becomes too much (only you can decide when that happens), you should be able to go home, take care of your mental health and not be crucifies about it.
2. Aupairing is just a job. I know it might seem like more than that because we are at your house and take care of your children but it is still essentially a job and, as such, you have the right to quit whenever you want (given the required notice) even if it is not convenient for your bosses.
3. Finally, covid times need to be taken into account. We've just come out (mostly) of a long lockdown and the change from your two years at home to living in a big new city is bigger than you can imagine. Also, the fear of getting the virus away from home and get sick is an important aspect.

I am not saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with leaving earlier but it is something that might need to happen for your aupair and they have that right. Even if it's not convenient for you, please try to respect and understand your aupair, it's definitely not easy for her either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Current aupair suffering from homesickness here (who won't probably leave early but wants to give a different perspective): I absolutely understand where you are all coming from. You count on someone to be around to help you with your children, I know it's a hard process to find the person and it really messes up with your your plans. That being that, you need you take into account that:
1. You are mostly employing young people (even if they are in the mid 20s, they are still young) probably trying to figure themselves out. Being an aupair is a big decision and it takes a lot of courage, which should be acknowledged. However, we (all of us) sometimes make mistakes and we should be allowed to and if they thought they could handle the experience but it turns out that can't, it is not their fault. I am sure they more than anyone would like to be okay but that's not something you can chose and if it becomes too much (only you can decide when that happens), you should be able to go home, take care of your mental health and not be crucifies about it.
2. Aupairing is just a job. I know it might seem like more than that because we are at your house and take care of your children but it is still essentially a job and, as such, you have the right to quit whenever you want (given the required notice) even if it is not convenient for your bosses.
3. Finally, covid times need to be taken into account. We've just come out (mostly) of a long lockdown and the change from your two years at home to living in a big new city is bigger than you can imagine. Also, the fear of getting the virus away from home and get sick is an important aspect.

I am not saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with leaving earlier but it is something that might need to happen for your aupair and they have that right. Even if it's not convenient for you, please try to respect and understand your aupair, it's definitely not easy for her either.

This is a very thoughtful response - thank you. I would say two things further in response from my position as an older adult who has been through similar things (less as a HM, which I am too). First, homesickness is unpleasant but it’s OK to sit with and ride through uncomfortable feelings. This au pair year is for you to learn about yourself, grow as a person and have new experiences. Not every feeling in that journey is going to be pleasant and that’s OK. We’ve all been there (for most of us it was college first and also study abroad in many cases) and understand. If it’s truly unsustainable like your mental health cannot take it then of course you shouldn’t stay with it, and you should then enter into therapy when you get home to work through why you had the extreme reaction. But otherwise stretching yourself is great and (and you are right) courageous and you should be proud that you are doing this.

Second, and again speaking just as an adult, there is generally a difference between a job that is “at will” and a set term contract. In an at will position you can quit any time you want with the necessary notice, that is expected. People may be disappointed that you left but no one is surprised. Of course you can also quit a limited but agreed term position like an au pair but that is going to draw a more surprised and disappointed reaction if the reason is homesickness because you made the commitment to see the position through for the year. So it’s not exactly right to compare it to an at will job and you shouldn’t have entered into it thinking of it like that; that is if you don’t like it, just quit. It was a bigger commitment and there is going to be an attendant bigger disappointment if the position ends early because the au pair simply doesn’t want to complete the position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Current aupair suffering from homesickness here (who won't probably leave early but wants to give a different perspective): I absolutely understand where you are all coming from. You count on someone to be around to help you with your children, I know it's a hard process to find the person and it really messes up with your your plans. That being that, you need you take into account that:
1. You are mostly employing young people (even if they are in the mid 20s, they are still young) probably trying to figure themselves out. Being an aupair is a big decision and it takes a lot of courage, which should be acknowledged. However, we (all of us) sometimes make mistakes and we should be allowed to and if they thought they could handle the experience but it turns out that can't, it is not their fault. I am sure they more than anyone would like to be okay but that's not something you can chose and if it becomes too much (only you can decide when that happens), you should be able to go home, take care of your mental health and not be crucifies about it.
2. Aupairing is just a job. I know it might seem like more than that because we are at your house and take care of your children but it is still essentially a job and, as such, you have the right to quit whenever you want (given the required notice) even if it is not convenient for your bosses.
3. Finally, covid times need to be taken into account. We've just come out (mostly) of a long lockdown and the change from your two years at home to living in a big new city is bigger than you can imagine. Also, the fear of getting the virus away from home and get sick is an important aspect.

I am not saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with leaving earlier but it is something that might need to happen for your aupair and they have that right. Even if it's not convenient for you, please try to respect and understand your aupair, it's definitely not easy for her either.

This is a very thoughtful response - thank you. I would say two things further in response from my position as an older adult who has been through similar things (less as a HM, which I am too). First, homesickness is unpleasant but it’s OK to sit with and ride through uncomfortable feelings. This au pair year is for you to learn about yourself, grow as a person and have new experiences. Not every feeling in that journey is going to be pleasant and that’s OK. We’ve all been there (for most of us it was college first and also study abroad in many cases) and understand. If it’s truly unsustainable like your mental health cannot take it then of course you shouldn’t stay with it, and you should then enter into therapy when you get home to work through why you had the extreme reaction. But otherwise stretching yourself is great and (and you are right) courageous and you should be proud that you are doing this.

Second, and again speaking just as an adult, there is generally a difference between a job that is “at will” and a set term contract. In an at will position you can quit any time you want with the necessary notice, that is expected. People may be disappointed that you left but no one is surprised. Of course you can also quit a limited but agreed term position like an au pair but that is going to draw a more surprised and disappointed reaction if the reason is homesickness because you made the commitment to see the position through for the year. So it’s not exactly right to compare it to an at will job and you shouldn’t have entered into it thinking of it like that; that is if you don’t like it, just quit. It was a bigger commitment and there is going to be an attendant bigger disappointment if the position ends early because the au pair simply doesn’t want to complete the position.

The agencies are at fault for the mismatch in expectations, as are cultural understandings. HPs look at the contract as a definite thing and are surprised if the AP doesn’t want to stick it out. APs look at it just like any other job, with the ability to give two weeks notice (which given that mediation is usually required, is what it is). The fact that these young people are technically adults doesn’t matter, as most have never had at will jobs for which they really read a contract to see what they were committing to. They certainly haven’t had set term contracts for jobs, usually not even written in their native language.

[Anonymous]

Totally agree with the above poster that this is yet another thing that the agencies could improve on. Of course, if they were upfront with both sides, they would not get as many people to join the program.

They sell the program to us host families as very dependable and including at least a one-year term. While I believe this often turns out to be true - the au pair really isn’t a contract employs vis-a-vis the host family. While most agencies have you sign some sort of “agreement” with the au pair which often contains a term, there are not really any true consequences (between the au pair and host family) if either party ends the term early. Rather, the consequences go back to the agency - for instance, if the au pair ends her term early, the agency usually won’t pay for her return flight, she may not qualify to be an au pair in the future, etc. It is not like the host family would get any sort of compensation for their damages, other than the opportunity to enter the rematch pool. Conversely, the consequences for the host family for pulling out early are usually a large (if not total) loss of the agency fee. I think that this homesickness example highlights another problematic aspect of the agencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Current aupair suffering from homesickness here (who won't probably leave early but wants to give a different perspective): I absolutely understand where you are all coming from. You count on someone to be around to help you with your children, I know it's a hard process to find the person and it really messes up with your your plans. That being that, you need you take into account that:
1. You are mostly employing young people (even if they are in the mid 20s, they are still young) probably trying to figure themselves out. Being an aupair is a big decision and it takes a lot of courage, which should be acknowledged. However, we (all of us) sometimes make mistakes and we should be allowed to and if they thought they could handle the experience but it turns out that can't, it is not their fault. I am sure they more than anyone would like to be okay but that's not something you can chose and if it becomes too much (only you can decide when that happens), you should be able to go home, take care of your mental health and not be crucifies about it.
2. Aupairing is just a job. I know it might seem like more than that because we are at your house and take care of your children but it is still essentially a job and, as such, you have the right to quit whenever you want (given the required notice) even if it is not convenient for your bosses.
3. Finally, covid times need to be taken into account. We've just come out (mostly) of a long lockdown and the change from your two years at home to living in a big new city is bigger than you can imagine. Also, the fear of getting the virus away from home and get sick is an important aspect.

I am not saying there's absolutely nothing wrong with leaving earlier but it is something that might need to happen for your aupair and they have that right. Even if it's not convenient for you, please try to respect and understand your aupair, it's definitely not easy for her either.

This is a very thoughtful response - thank you. I would say two things further in response from my position as an older adult who has been through similar things (less as a HM, which I am too). First, homesickness is unpleasant but it’s OK to sit with and ride through uncomfortable feelings. This au pair year is for you to learn about yourself, grow as a person and have new experiences. Not every feeling in that journey is going to be pleasant and that’s OK. We’ve all been there (for most of us it was college first and also study abroad in many cases) and understand. If it’s truly unsustainable like your mental health cannot take it then of course you shouldn’t stay with it, and you should then enter into therapy when you get home to work through why you had the extreme reaction. But otherwise stretching yourself is great and (and you are right) courageous and you should be proud that you are doing this.

Second, and again speaking just as an adult, there is generally a difference between a job that is “at will” and a set term contract. In an at will position you can quit any time you want with the necessary notice, that is expected. People may be disappointed that you left but no one is surprised. Of course you can also quit a limited but agreed term position like an au pair but that is going to draw a more surprised and disappointed reaction if the reason is homesickness because you made the commitment to see the position through for the year. So it’s not exactly right to compare it to an at will job and you shouldn’t have entered into it thinking of it like that; that is if you don’t like it, just quit. It was a bigger commitment and there is going to be an attendant bigger disappointment if the position ends early because the au pair simply doesn’t want to complete the position.

The agencies are at fault for the mismatch in expectations, as are cultural understandings. HPs look at the contract as a definite thing and are surprised if the AP doesn’t want to stick it out. APs look at it just like any other job, with the ability to give two weeks notice (which given that mediation is usually required, is what it is). The fact that these young people are technically adults doesn’t matter, as most have never had at will jobs for which they really read a contract to see what they were committing to. They certainly haven’t had set term contracts for jobs, usually not even written in their native language.

Both of you make great points but I wouldn't differentiate between an aupair job and an at will job, they are both jobs and life happens sometimes. I don't think we should put the HP's need in front of our own (or viceversa): if you need to leave try and make it as easy as possible for both parts involved but leave. And that's really all I have to say. It's not ideal and it's obviously going to cause some disruptions but it's still your life and only you can decide when it's too much for you to handle and you just need to give up. I would also like yo point out thar most aupairs in Europe are using aupairworld.com which isn't even a proper agency so HP should be specially aware of the risks of using this type of website as there isn't even a contract. So sorry If any of this sounds selfish but I've been there as an aupair and even if it's selfish, it doesn't mean it's wrong. I really don't think there's a right answer for this topic, we just need to make it as easier as possible for each other, communicate and, above all, have empathy.
Hope you all have a good day!
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