Nanny needs unexpected time off

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again...I am trying to be understanding. I mean she did catch the sinus infection from our son and her dentists appointment was her checkup scheduled long before we hired her and she gave us over a month's notice for it since it's only open during when she works. I just feel that all these things adding up to this funeral thing is a bit much. I guess her husband's grandmother was essentially his mom as she raised him, and she knew her as well. So I know she feels the need to be there and it's far out of state, hence the time frame, but it's really kicked our butts having the one person we rely for child care not be available on a consistent basis like we need her to.

These are the things you need to consider when you hire someone. If you hire a nanny who is a mom to teens because of her experience, expect her to take off for her childs school events. Hiring a nanny with her own young children similar in age to yours? Expect her to take off frequently to be with them when they are sick, and expect yours to get sick often. Hiring a nanny with a new husband? Expect her to ask off early often for date nights and take extra vacations during inconvenient times. If you hire a fat nanny expect frequent days off to recover energy. If you hire a very young nanny expect her to make some dumb decisions, burn a few things, break a few things, and get in a car accident.

These are things you need to prepare for as a MB.

[Anonymous]

OP if you are this uptight about it, you should move on to a different nanny. is 4 days a little long for a funeral? yes, but did you say anything to her? she could be grieving and have no idea that that is unacceptable. if you are so annoyed but acted like it was just fine, that falls on you. as for the sinus infection and dentist, I think it would be a tad ridiculous to find those as punishable offenses just because they happen within the first 4 months of her working for you. however, nothing anybody says here will convince you one way or the other. you sound (unreasonably, to me) like you are having problems with this nanny so I think it would be best to consider moving on just bc this seems like something that will only further build resentment towards her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again...I am trying to be understanding. I mean she did catch the sinus infection from our son and her dentists appointment was her checkup scheduled long before we hired her and she gave us over a month's notice for it since it's only open during when she works. I just feel that all these things adding up to this funeral thing is a bit much. I guess her husband's grandmother was essentially his mom as she raised him, and she knew her as well. So I know she feels the need to be there and it's far out of state, hence the time frame, but it's really kicked our butts having the one person we rely for child care not be available on a consistent basis like we need her to.

These are the things you need to consider when you hire someone. If you hire a nanny who is a mom to teens because of her experience, expect her to take off for her childs school events. Hiring a nanny with her own young children similar in age to yours? Expect her to take off frequently to be with them when they are sick, and expect yours to get sick often. Hiring a nanny with a new husband? Expect her to ask off early often for date nights and take extra vacations during inconvenient times. If you hire a fat nanny expect frequent days off to recover energy. If you hire a very young nanny expect her to make some dumb decisions, burn a few things, break a few things, and get in a car accident.

These are things you need to prepare for as a MB.

God - you are obnoxious. What a narrowly defined little world of acceptable behavior and appearance you live in.

Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again...I am trying to be understanding. I mean she did catch the sinus infection from our son and her dentists appointment was her checkup scheduled long before we hired her and she gave us over a month's notice for it since it's only open during when she works. I just feel that all these things adding up to this funeral thing is a bit much. I guess her husband's grandmother was essentially his mom as she raised him, and she knew her as well. So I know she feels the need to be there and it's far out of state, hence the time frame, but it's really kicked our butts having the one person we rely for child care not be available on a consistent basis like we need her to.

These are the things you need to consider when you hire someone. If you hire a nanny who is a mom to teens because of her experience, expect her to take off for her childs school events. Hiring a nanny with her own young children similar in age to yours? Expect her to take off frequently to be with them when they are sick, and expect yours to get sick often. Hiring a nanny with a new husband? Expect her to ask off early often for date nights and take extra vacations during inconvenient times. If you hire a fat nanny expect frequent days off to recover energy. If you hire a very young nanny expect her to make some dumb decisions, burn a few things, break a few things, and get in a car accident.

These are things you need to prepare for as a MB.

and expect a stupid poster to post something stupid..............this is among the things you need to prepare when you are a DCUM reader

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again...I am trying to be understanding. I mean she did catch the sinus infection from our son and her dentists appointment was her checkup scheduled long before we hired her and she gave us over a month's notice for it since it's only open during when she works. I just feel that all these things adding up to this funeral thing is a bit much. I guess her husband's grandmother was essentially his mom as she raised him, and she knew her as well. So I know she feels the need to be there and it's far out of state, hence the time frame, but it's really kicked our butts having the one person we rely for child care not be available on a consistent basis like we need her to.

These are the things you need to consider when you hire someone. If you hire a nanny who is a mom to teens because of her experience, expect her to take off for her childs school events. Hiring a nanny with her own young children similar in age to yours? Expect her to take off frequently to be with them when they are sick, and expect yours to get sick often. Hiring a nanny with a new husband? Expect her to ask off early often for date nights and take extra vacations during inconvenient times. If you hire a fat nanny expect frequent days off to recover energy. If you hire a very young nanny expect her to make some dumb decisions, burn a few things, break a few things, and get in a car accident.

These are things you need to prepare for as a MB.

and expect a stupid poster to post something stupid..............this is among the things you need to prepare when you are a DCUM reader

So true!!

[Anonymous]

OP. Four days is excessive for a funeral of a husband's grandmother. Absolutely.

Also, it is very unlikely she got a sinus infection from your son. They are generally not contagious. If they are viral and your nanny has a poor immune system, AND she got it from a cold, maybe, but it's rare.

[Anonymous]

I'm just completely baffled by how ready to judge everyone is. When a member of your family dies and you want to pay your respects, do you want people telling you that grieving for three days is okay, but four is excessive? There is a very finite number of family people have, and an infinite number of working days. In ten years it will matter that she was there for her husband in such a terrible time, not that she went to work that one extra day. Have a heart, maybe?

Now if you think that you can judge how people should deal with a death in the family (and who is anyone to judge how affected people should be by death in their family?!), by all means tell her that you think taking four days to go out of town for a funeral is too much and you don't trust her anymore. But that's heartless and inhuman.

And you should always have back up care, so this one is on you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm just completely baffled by how ready to judge everyone is. When a member of your family dies and you want to pay your respects, do you want people telling you that grieving for three days is okay, but four is excessive? There is a very finite number of family people have, and an infinite number of working days. In ten years it will matter that she was there for her husband in such a terrible time, not that she went to work that one extra day. Have a heart, maybe?

Now if you think that you can judge how people should deal with a death in the family (and who is anyone to judge how affected people should be by death in their family?!), by all means tell her that you think taking four days to go out of town for a funeral is too much and you don't trust her anymore. But that's heartless and inhuman.

And you should always have back up care, so this one is on you.

This!!

My grandmother is like a second Mom. She lived with us my entire life and helped raise me. We are still very close, and I'd be devastated if she passed away. Not everyone considers a grandparent as "extended" family, someone they only see on holidays. I know my husband would want to be there to support me, especially knowing how much he loves her too. And, I would be there for him if someone close to him died.

The 3 day bereavement pay is standard in the corporate world, but most good employers are flexible. When my Dad died, I was out for a week. When I returned, my boss insisted I take more time. It meant so much to me.

Please try to have some compassion. And, definitely get back up. Life happens to all of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just completely baffled by how ready to judge everyone is. When a member of your family dies and you want to pay your respects, do you want people telling you that grieving for three days is okay, but four is excessive? There is a very finite number of family people have, and an infinite number of working days. In ten years it will matter that she was there for her husband in such a terrible time, not that she went to work that one extra day. Have a heart, maybe?

Now if you think that you can judge how people should deal with a death in the family (and who is anyone to judge how affected people should be by death in their family?!), by all means tell her that you think taking four days to go out of town for a funeral is too much and you don't trust her anymore. But that's heartless and inhuman.

And you should always have back up care, so this one is on you.

This!!

My grandmother is like a second Mom. She lived with us my entire life and helped raise me. We are still very close, and I'd be devastated if she passed away. Not everyone considers a grandparent as "extended" family, someone they only see on holidays. I know my husband would want to be there to support me, especially knowing how much he loves her too. And, I would be there for him if someone close to him died.

The 3 day bereavement pay is standard in the corporate world, but most good employers are flexible. When my Dad died, I was out for a week. When I returned, my boss insisted I take more time. It meant so much to me.

Please try to have some compassion. And, definitely get back up. Life happens to all of us.

1. No one is trying to put a cap on how long this nanny can grieve, just how long she can take off of work to do so.
2. Comparing this to a corporate setting is like comparing apples to oranges. When you took off for the death of your own father (not your partner's) there were, presumably, a number of people who could take up your duties with very short notice. Even with back-up care, there is only so much a family can, and should, accommodate with their only employee taking an unscheduled absence.
Yes, compassion is in order here, but not in the form of unlimited time off.

[Anonymous]

PP, and I should add I am a nanny and a graduate student. I missed my OWN grandmother's funeral this year because there was a test I simply could not miss. It was pretty devastating, but as everyone is pointing out, life happens.

There are other ways to grieve and remember a loved one besides attending a funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just completely baffled by how ready to judge everyone is. When a member of your family dies and you want to pay your respects, do you want people telling you that grieving for three days is okay, but four is excessive? There is a very finite number of family people have, and an infinite number of working days. In ten years it will matter that she was there for her husband in such a terrible time, not that she went to work that one extra day. Have a heart, maybe?

Now if you think that you can judge how people should deal with a death in the family (and who is anyone to judge how affected people should be by death in their family?!), by all means tell her that you think taking four days to go out of town for a funeral is too much and you don't trust her anymore. But that's heartless and inhuman.

And you should always have back up care, so this one is on you.

This!!

My grandmother is like a second Mom. She lived with us my entire life and helped raise me. We are still very close, and I'd be devastated if she passed away. Not everyone considers a grandparent as "extended" family, someone they only see on holidays. I know my husband would want to be there to
support me, especially knowing how much he loves her too. And, I would be there for him if someone close to him died.

The 3 day bereavement pay is standard in the corporate world, but most good employers are flexible. When my Dad died, I was out for a week. When I returned, my boss insisted I take more time. It meant so much to me.

Please try to have some compassion. And, definitely get back up. Life happens to all of us.

1. No one is trying to put a cap on how long this nanny can grieve, just how long she can take off of work to do so.
2. Comparing this to a corporate setting is like comparing apples to oranges. When you took off for the death of your own father (not your partner's) there were, presumably, a number of people who could take up your duties with very short notice. Even with back-up care, there is only so much a family can, and should, accommodate with their only employee taking an unscheduled absence.
Yes, compassion is in order here, but not in the form of unlimited time off.

1. The nanny isn't asking for unlimited time off. She is asking for four days for a funeral that is out of town. I don't see why it matters if it's her grandmother or her husband's grandmother. They could have been extremely close. Besides, this isn't just about grieving. She wants to support her husband.

2. At the time, I worked in a very small office so there went not several people to fill in. The owner ended up taking on most of the work, and that was beyond gracious.

That being said, I agree with you about nanny and corporate being very different. For a period of time, I worked both at the same time. Thank goodness
I worked for a great family. There were nights I couldn't come because my grandmother was sick and they graciously accommodated every one of those times. I know it was very inconvenient for them as both parents traveled frequently. But, they knew my first priority was to my family, and they never once made me feel bad about that. In return, I was extremely flexible with them as well. I was with them for 10 years so it worked both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP, and I should add I am a nanny and a graduate student. I missed my OWN grandmother's funeral this year because there was a test I simply could not miss. It was pretty devastating, but as everyone is pointing out, life happens.

There are other ways to grieve and remember a loved one besides attending a funeral. [/quote

PP here. I want to add that I'm very sorry for your loss. You made the decision that was best for you, and I respect that. It doesn't mean that choice would work for everyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm just completely baffled by how ready to judge everyone is. When a member of your family dies and you want to pay your respects, do you want people telling you that grieving for three days is okay, but four is excessive? There is a very finite number of family people have, and an infinite number of working days. In ten years it will matter that she was there for her husband in such a terrible time, not that she went to work that one extra day. Have a heart, maybe?

Now if you think that you can judge how people should deal with a death in the family (and who is anyone to judge how affected people should be by death in their family?!), by all means tell her that you think taking four days to go out of town for a funeral is too much and you don't trust her anymore. But that's heartless and inhuman.

And you should always have back up care, so this one is on you.

This!!

My grandmother is like a second Mom. She lived with us my entire life and helped raise me. We are still very close, and I'd be devastated if she passed away. Not everyone considers a grandparent as "extended" family, someone they only see on holidays. I know my husband would want to be there to
support me, especially knowing how much he loves her too. And, I would be there for him if someone close to him died.

The 3 day bereavement pay is standard in the corporate world, but most good employers are flexible. When my Dad died, I was out for a week. When I returned, my boss insisted I take more time. It meant so much to me.

Please try to have some compassion. And, definitely get back up. Life happens to all of us.

1. No one is trying to put a cap on how long this nanny can grieve, just how long she can take off of work to do so.
2. Comparing this to a corporate setting is like comparing apples to oranges. When you took off for the death of your own father (not your partner's) there were, presumably, a number of people who could take up your duties with very short notice. Even with back-up care, there is only so much a family can, and should, accommodate with their only employee taking an unscheduled absence.
Yes, compassion is in order here, but not in the form of unlimited time off.

1. The nanny isn't asking for unlimited time off. She is asking for four days for a funeral that is out of town. I don't see why it matters if it's her grandmother or her husband's grandmother. They could have been extremely close. Besides, this isn't just about grieving. She wants to support her husband.

2. At the time, I worked in a very small office so there went not several people to fill in. The owner ended up taking on most of the work, and that was beyond gracious.

That being said, I agree with you about nanny and corporate being very different. For a period of time, I worked both at the same time. Thank goodness
I worked for a great family. There were nights I couldn't come because my grandmother was sick and they graciously accommodated every one of those times. I know it was very inconvenient for them as both parents traveled frequently. But, they knew my first priority was to my family, and they never once made me feel bad about that. In return, I was extremely flexible with them as well. I was with them for 10 years so it worked both ways.

All valid points. I'm happy for you that you had such gracious employers, which we all know is more of a rarity than not. Your response has made me re-think the caliber of posters on this forum. Not an easy feat.

[Anonymous]

4 days is not excessive. If people had taken the time to read the response from OP, she did state that the funeral was out of town. I think OP needs to have a back up plan, TP cover these things. Part of treating others how you would want to be treated. And part of being a parent!

[Anonymous]

Four days is excessive because it isn't her immediate family. If its so crucial and her husband so helpless, she could fly in and out for the day.

Grieving is a process that takes place well after the funeral. OP's nanny can be there in the weeks and months of her husband's grief.

Also, it sends a bad precedent for what is appropriate to expect. Will nanny expect four days off for her husband's grandfather next? What about his beloved aunt? Or his sister's husband?

Policies around bereavement exist for a reason and they have limits. This nanny has a new job and has already taken off time for a minor reason (seriously, who can't work with a sinus infection?) and now is already asking for more time for a funeral for someone she isn't even related to.