Mom of kids says I'm not "engaged" enough. What does that even mean??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would think this means that you need to be more interactive with the kids and have/show a general interest in them. You say they are manipulative. Do you genuinely love them? You can't fake that kind of thing with kids. If you aren't crazy about them this either isn't the family or the field for you.

I get that you have another job, school, personal life, etc, but frankly as a MB that doesn't occur during the time I'm paying for. Thus, your mind shouldn't (obviously) be there either. That comes back to the being on the bus looking distracted example. If you were in transit on the way to a business meeting with your colleauges you wouldn't mentally tune-out, and it's the same with your nanny job. You should be interacting or at least "there" to respond appropriately and enthusiastically when the kids you are with want to engage.

To answer your question of do I love them... I care about them a lot. I am emotionally attached to them. Love? I don't know. I'm young, I've never had kids, so I'm not sure if I LOVE them. Especially since they can be so mean-spirited and dismissive of me, and basically rarely ever respect my authority. But I am definitely emotionally attached to them.

I feel like I do engage, but I think the issue is that they are disinterested in ME. I cannot tell you how many times I day I am trying to talk with them, a subject that I consider funny or interesting, and they completely tune me out. Whenever they start a conversation with me, I get involved, tell them stories and tidbits of info, feed them ideas. I'm not just some stoic, expressionless slob.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you quit and it's because of that conversation and that is clear to her, that's ok. That's the risk she was running, and being willing to take that risk might imply that she would be ok with the idea that you could decide to quit.

If you want to see if you can salvage the situation, you could try to get more info from her, e.g. "I was a bit taken by suprise the other day and now that I've had time to think about it, I wonder if you can let me know a bit more precisely what has led you to have these concerns about my performance?" If she tells you that her kids have said stuff that is just not true or at least not accurate, let her know that.

But to be honest, I think you should probably just be prepared to say "I have felt that I was doing the best job I could, but if you don't feel that way perhaps I'm not the best fit for your family."

Thanks. I'm planning to do just that - ask for more info and see what happens. Because the only way she would know any of this is from her kids. And yea, I can think of a few minor things here and there to change, but overall I think I'm a really fun nanny. What person doesn't need a few minutes to recharge from time to time? Literally a few minutes. The kids are not allowed ANY screen time so believe me, I'm there with the board games and the trips to the park, and the origami books. I try my hardest. I only consider quitting because if my current effort is enough for her then I'm just not who the kids are looking for, simple as that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Op, you admit being preoccupied but are offended somebody called you out? "

+1
You admit this outright and right at the beginning yet then argue that you ARE engaged. Are you talking on your phone a lot while w/ them (even if during transit or homework time)? Try to honestly think what you are doing and whether you consider it being a focused employee during your work hours. Then, with that in mind, do ask MB for examples so you have a concrete idea of what she is talking about.

Maybe preoccupied is the wrong word to use... I'm not standing in the corner on the phone all day or in another room or leaving the kids to themselves. In fact, I am NEVER on the phone during work. When I say preoccupied, I mean that while I'm playing board games or cooking dinner for the kids I am also SOMETIMES thinking about the other stuff I have to do, especially on particularly stressful days. It's human, I think. Maybe she should hire a nanny that doesn't have another job or school?

[Anonymous]

Ugh - it doesn't make you a bad person but if you were my nanny and you couldn't reflexively say (to yourself and or an anonymous board) "YES! I love them. They charm the bejeezus out of me!" I don't think I'd want you as my kids' nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:pp here.

I've had 2 nannies before. Both nannies turned off their phone when they got to my house. They only turned it on if they were going out with my kids. I never asked them to do this.

This is not an uncommon expectation for nannies. You obviously do not understand the expectations of a nanny.

Some nannies do not turn it off but they are not checking it very often or is not supposed to be checking it while they are on duty.

I can't turn my phone off because she frequently texts me with new info or requests. In fact, a lot of the time I am on the phone with HER.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You sound very immature to me.
--26 year old nanny working 3 jobs

Based off a 3-4 paragraph glimpse, you seem to have quite a grasp on who I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh - it doesn't make you a bad person but if you were my nanny and you couldn't reflexively say (to yourself and or an anonymous board) "YES! I love them. They charm the bejeezus out of me!" I don't think I'd want you as my kids' nanny.

Seriously? They do "charm the bejeezus out of me". I think they're hilarious and intelligent kids. When they go on vacation, I miss them. If I had to give my life for theirs, I absolutely would. There is a BOND there. It is not my definition of love. But there is an undeniable bond there. Is that not enough?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you quit and it's because of that conversation and that is clear to her, that's ok. That's the risk she was running, and being willing to take that risk might imply that she would be ok with the idea that you could decide to quit.

If you want to see if you can salvage the situation, you could try to get more info from her, e.g. "I was a bit taken by suprise the other day and now that I've had time to think about it, I wonder if you can let me know a bit more precisely what has led you to have these concerns about my performance?" If she tells you that her kids have said stuff that is just not true or at least not accurate, let her know that.

But to be honest, I think you should probably just be prepared to say "I have felt that I was doing the best job I could, but if you don't feel that way perhaps I'm not the best fit for your family."

Thanks. I'm planning to do just that - ask for more info and see what happens. Because the only way she would know any of this is from her kids. And yea, I can think of a few minor things here and there to change, but overall I think I'm a really fun nanny. What person doesn't need a few minutes to recharge from time to time? Literally a few minutes. The kids are not allowed ANY screen time so believe me, I'm there with the board games and the trips to the park, and the origami books. I try my hardest. I only consider quitting because if my current effort is enough for her then I'm just not who the kids are looking for, simple as that.

I feel your pain to an extent myself. I love how parents say NO screen time while the nanny is there, yet they have tons of video games and dvr recorded cartoons. Something tells me the TV or video games are only the devil when the nanny's around while the parents stick them there when they actually have to be responsible for their own kids. Double standard, yes I think so. Not saying they should always watch TV, but at least give them an hour a day to give the nanny a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I feel your pain to an extent myself. I love how parents say NO screen time while the nanny is there, yet they have tons of video games and dvr recorded cartoons. Something tells me the TV or video games are only the devil when the nanny's around while the parents stick them there when they actually have to be responsible for their own kids. Double standard, yes I think so. Not saying they should always watch TV, but at least give them an hour a day to give the nanny a break.

OP here... I am perfectly okay with not allowing screen time. I didn't grow up with that stuff and I am full of ideas to take the place of tv and video games. I also have the same issue where tv, video games, junk food, etc are forbidden when I'm around, but as soon as the parents step in the door all the children have to do is whimper and they get all of the above. It just makes it harder for me to enforce those rules and for them to accept them if there is no consistency.

Also... in reading responses in this and other threads, I think it's quite sad how accusatory some of the responses are, and quite telling of the general relationship between nannies and parents. We are not supposed to be opponents, we are supposed to listen to and support each other and be somewhat understanding of frustrations that come with being a nanny or a parent. A lot of animosity and defensiveness here, from myself included. Just interesting.

[Anonymous]

It means she is going to let you go. Start looking for a new job. I

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh - it doesn't make you a bad person but if you were my nanny and you couldn't reflexively say (to yourself and or an anonymous board) "YES! I love them. They charm the bejeezus out of me!" I don't think I'd want you as my kids' nanny.

Seriously? They do "charm the bejeezus out of me". I think they're hilarious and intelligent kids. When they go on vacation, I miss them. If I had to give my life for theirs, I absolutely would. There is a BOND there. It is not my definition of love. But there is an undeniable bond there. Is that not enough?

I dont' know. Maybe it is. You'd give your life for theirs? That's HUGE and I don't know that anything gets bigger than that, really. I guess I've just been pretty spoiled. All of my au pairs have been head-over-heals in love with my kids and it's not a show for me. I work from home and just hear how they are together when I'm tucked away in my office.

But that's maybe more to expect from a nanny than an au pair. For nannies it is undeniably a "job" whereas it can be just a special slice of life for an au pair.

[Anonymous]

How old are the kids? And how many hours a day are you with them? Aren't they in school all day, and then come home to do homework? When do you play all these fun games, etc.?

[Anonymous]

You should quit since you will get fired anyway. She gave you a warning to change your behavior. You have no idea what to change because you are so perfect already. This will end with you getting fired if you don't quit.

[Anonymous]

a bunch of boys and NO TV time? Id shoot myself.

[Anonymous]

by middle school, boys really need a positive male role model/peer. Unfortunately, not many female nannies can relate or develop bond that is maternal on some level with a teen boy. They don't need another mother, they need a guy they can hangout with and toss a football around or talk about girls with. I think the issues you face with them are probably more because your a woman filling in as mom rather than a man filling in as coach/friend.
I think you need to move on and tell the parents to hire a male nanny.

Also, I can relate to the not loving the kids in your care. I care deeply for the children and would do anything to protect them but I do not love them anywhere remotely like their parents. At the end of the day they are not mine or part of my family. I will most likely lose all contact with them after my job is over (even if i try to stay in touch). But this doesn't mean i give them the best care possible or withhold affection. Its more like a teacher's or daycare provider's attachment to their students.