Mom of kids says I'm not "engaged" enough. What does that even mean??
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Anonymous
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I've been a nanny for a family of 2 middle school boys for almost a year now. From my perspective, everything has been going reasonably well. There was a small adjustment period for the kids in the beginning since the mother went back to work, but for the most part I felt like I had good communication with the kids and they trusted me.
This job is only part time and even though I make an average hourly wage doing this, per month I don't make enough on this job alone to live in this expensive city. So I work another job in addition to it which means, yes, I DO have a life beyond being a nanny, and I do have other daily responsibilities. I'm also applying to graduate school and trying to pull together a portfolio, so my mind is stretched to its capacity between all this. The other day, the mother of the children walked in the house and immediately pulled me into another room to "talk". She didn't give me any specifics, she just said that she needs me to put my full focus on the children while I am with them. She said that children can pick up when someone is distracted or preoccupied with something else and that makes them feel as if they aren't worth the attention. I'm not exactly sure where this was coming from, but I'm guessing that her children told her something that led her to this conversation with me. She was extremely vague in her words and I'm really not sure what she's referring to, or how she would even know considering that she works full time and doesn't see me interacting with them most of the time. It was a pretty embarrassing conversation because I take great pride in what I do, I work my ass off with those kids (and they are NOT easy to handle!) and I almost feel betrayed, as if the kids don't like me and they're feeding their parents false information about me. But to ask me not to seem distracted around the kids - how do I even do that? I'm a human. I work 2 jobs and I have a lot of things going on in my life. I'm not a couch potato nanny - I play games with them, I have interesting conversations with them. The only time I'm NOT 100% engaged with them is when they're studying and need quiet time, or if we're on a crowded bus. If I come off as distracted or preoccupied, then unfortunately that's just my personality that they're looking at, and they need to find another nanny that will please them. I'm not sure how to approach this situation. I'm tempted to just quit - I'm so discouraged at the negative feedback after I've tried SO hard and honestly thought I was doing a great job. At times, I really wish they would put up a hidden camera so they could see just how hard I work with them, and how patient and loving I am. I want to throw in the towel. Their children are manipulative and I catch them all the time lying to me/their parents for attention. This doesn't feel worth it anymore and if the mother isn't happy with my performance now, she never will be. I want to quit. But if I do it now, it's going to be obvious that it was about our conversation. How do I approach this? |
Anonymous
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I would think this means that you need to be more interactive with the kids and have/show a general interest in them. You say they are manipulative. Do you genuinely love them? You can't fake that kind of thing with kids. If you aren't crazy about them this either isn't the family or the field for you.
I get that you have another job, school, personal life, etc, but frankly as a MB that doesn't occur during the time I'm paying for. Thus, your mind shouldn't (obviously) be there either. That comes back to the being on the bus looking distracted example. If you were in transit on the way to a business meeting with your colleauges you wouldn't mentally tune-out, and it's the same with your nanny job. You should be interacting or at least "there" to respond appropriately and enthusiastically when the kids you are with want to engage. |
Anonymous
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Why don't you approach the mom and say you've had time to think about what she told you the other day, and you would like some specific examples so you can truly understand where she's coming from. Oh wait, that's if you want to keep the job.
You said you want to quit. So just give your notice that you're quitting. What's wrong with letting the woman know you're quitting over what she said? Being honest works. "I'm giving you my two weeks notice, effective today. I was really hurt by what you said about being distracted and not engaged, too hurt to continue working for you." Boom, done. So what if she knows? She'll know you can't take constructive criticism, so what? Lots of people can't. |
Anonymous
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I think if you quit and it's because of that conversation and that is clear to her, that's ok. That's the risk she was running, and being willing to take that risk might imply that she would be ok with the idea that you could decide to quit.
If you want to see if you can salvage the situation, you could try to get more info from her, e.g. "I was a bit taken by suprise the other day and now that I've had time to think about it, I wonder if you can let me know a bit more precisely what has led you to have these concerns about my performance?" If she tells you that her kids have said stuff that is just not true or at least not accurate, let her know that. But to be honest, I think you should probably just be prepared to say "I have felt that I was doing the best job I could, but if you don't feel that way perhaps I'm not the best fit for your family." |
Anonymous
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1. ask for specifics
2. look for a new job in the mean time 3. agree with "I have felt that I was doing the best job I could, but if you don't feel that way perhaps I'm not the best fit for your family." |
Anonymous
| Op, you admit being preoccupied but are offended somebody called you out? |
Anonymous
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"Op, you admit being preoccupied but are offended somebody called you out? "
+1 You admit this outright and right at the beginning yet then argue that you ARE engaged. Are you talking on your phone a lot while w/ them (even if during transit or homework time)? Try to honestly think what you are doing and whether you consider it being a focused employee during your work hours. Then, with that in mind, do ask MB for examples so you have a concrete idea of what she is talking about. |
Anonymous
| They have probably been watching you on a hidden nanny cam. |
Anonymous
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I think you should just quit. You aren't doing something MB wants and you are not motivated to try.
If you quit, you are saving a lot of people a lot of stress. MB is stressed too, paying you and not getting something she wants to be getting (attention), watching to see if you will change, trying to figure out if she should fire you. What she did was give you a warning that you have to change. If you won't then you should be straightforward and give notice. If you are not clear on what she wants, it's this. Give the kids even more attention than you are giving now. How many times do you check your phone while you are with them? It should be ZERO. If MB or someone else wants to call you in an emergency, they can call the house. If you have any questions about what zero is, then this job is not a good fit for you. |
Anonymous
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pp here.
I've had 2 nannies before. Both nannies turned off their phone when they got to my house. They only turned it on if they were going out with my kids. I never asked them to do this. This is not an uncommon expectation for nannies. You obviously do not understand the expectations of a nanny. Some nannies do not turn it off but they are not checking it very often or is not supposed to be checking it while they are on duty. |
Anonymous
| How much direct interaction do middle school boys want/need anyhow?? |
Anonymous
This is a crucial time in growing up when they need positive role models, people they can talk to. Friends and relationships they make at this stage will determine if they become white collar or blue collar workers. Yes, you can get away with not giving them much attention. Good parents make sure this does not happen. |
Anonymous
pp here. Not "determine" but "influence" would've been a better word choice. |
Anonymous
+1 |
Anonymous
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You sound very immature to me.
--26 year old nanny working 3 jobs |