"Died unexpectedly" in obit

[Anonymous]

My old co-worker was standing too close to a curb and a bus side view mirror hit him in the head and killed him.

He died suddenly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suicide or OD 90% of the time. If it was a natural 'suddenly' (ie stroke or heart attack) it's usually spelled out to avoid the implications of the aforementioned causes.

This. If it's a heart attack, the obit will say heart attack

Not always. I know of two people who died of a heart attack and one obituary said “unexpectedly” and one said “after a sudden illness.”

You know what they say about those who ASSume. Look at you, true to form.

May I ask why you are so hostile?

It is human curiosity to inquire how people died. When I read "died unexpectedly" I do think overdoses. Obits go out of their way to avoid mentioning overdoses whereas for other deaths they're usually upfront. Including suicides ("took his life."

^^ this

I write obituaries as part of my job. You are wrong. Plain and simple, you are wrong. Just like there is no wrong or right way to grieve, there is no wrong or right way for a family to decide what to share and what not to share in an obituary, nor is there a wrong way for a grieving family to find the word choices that work for them. I have written the following as “died unexpectedly/died suddenly,” and I have read the following as “died unexpectedly/died suddenly,” when I was a friend or close family member who knew the cause of death:
-Heart attack
-Horrible ATV accident
-Aneurysm
-Hit in the head by a tree branch
-Undiagnosed congenital heart defect, and the family didn’t want to wait for autopsy report before moving forward with funeral
-Child who accidentally choked at home
-Yes, accidental overdose
-Yes, suicide

You are incorrect to ASSume. Of course curiosity is natural—we all feel it. Kind, intelligent, respectful people go beyond their base instincts and act in a civilized manner, which is to say they do not feel entitled to private family information, they do not feel entitled to invade privacy of the family and of the deceased, and they do not dishonor the family and the deceased by gossiping and speculating. Those who gossip and speculate and spread rumors and false information and conspiracy theories are absolute garbage.

YOU are the one calling people ASSes and garbage for merely associating overdoses with died unexpectedly. It's a question that is understandable as obituaries, which I have been reading for nearly 40 years now, usually are clear on the cause of deaths, although I'll also say that in recent years that seems to be changing.

But I'll also echo the question, why the hostility? The rest of your post belies a certain anxiety and paranoia. Asking on an ANONYMOUS message forum if "died unexpectedly" is code for an overdose or suicide is not disrespectful. The rest of your post with its meaningless blather about respect or dishonoring has nothing to do with OP's question. You may have had a point if someone was planning to knock on the deceased's family's door and ask if the death was a drug overdose. But quietly conversing with neighbors or in the background about the cause of death is hardly "garbage."

You really don’t seem to grasp that you aren’t owed a cause of death, even though that is “usually clear” from the obituaries you have read.

And yes, it is disrespectful to ask for confirmation of your bias that “unexpected” is usually code for suicide. Again, you are not owed any cause of death, but you seem hell-bent on asserting that yes it is usually suicide, even though multiple people on here—not just me—have told you repeatedly that we personally know people who did not die by suicide, and their deaths were described as unexpected in your obituaries. Why can’t you admit that your assumption was wrong, when multiple posters have told you from lived experience that your assumption is wrong.

I find your attitude weird. There are various people, not just me, who have said that when we see an undefined death we do wonder if it was a suicide or overdose. Why does it bother you so much for us to wonder this? Suicides and overdoes are both unfortunately not uncommon, and are both tragedies. And sometimes it is nice to know what the cause of death was before we accidentally say something to the wrong person connected to the deceased. It works both ways. Not only in the way you're thinking.

As it is, my father is dying and when the time comes I'd have no problems with people asking me what caused his death. He is human. We all die. Life goes on for the living. I'm not shaming and judging or trying to impose a fake morality on others just for having a natural human curiosity in how someone passed away. But you are effectively telling people we can't have an interest in what happened to other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suicide or OD 90% of the time. If it was a natural 'suddenly' (ie stroke or heart attack) it's usually spelled out to avoid the implications of the aforementioned causes.

This. If it's a heart attack, the obit will say heart attack

Not always. I know of two people who died of a heart attack and one obituary said “unexpectedly” and one said “after a sudden illness.”

You know what they say about those who ASSume. Look at you, true to form.

May I ask why you are so hostile?

It is human curiosity to inquire how people died. When I read "died unexpectedly" I do think overdoses. Obits go out of their way to avoid mentioning overdoses whereas for other deaths they're usually upfront. Including suicides ("took his life."

^^ this

I write obituaries as part of my job. You are wrong. Plain and simple, you are wrong. Just like there is no wrong or right way to grieve, there is no wrong or right way for a family to decide what to share and what not to share in an obituary, nor is there a wrong way for a grieving family to find the word choices that work for them. I have written the following as “died unexpectedly/died suddenly,” and I have read the following as “died unexpectedly/died suddenly,” when I was a friend or close family member who knew the cause of death:
-Heart attack
-Horrible ATV accident
-Aneurysm
-Hit in the head by a tree branch
-Undiagnosed congenital heart defect, and the family didn’t want to wait for autopsy report before moving forward with funeral
-Child who accidentally choked at home
-Yes, accidental overdose
-Yes, suicide

You are incorrect to ASSume. Of course curiosity is natural—we all feel it. Kind, intelligent, respectful people go beyond their base instincts and act in a civilized manner, which is to say they do not feel entitled to private family information, they do not feel entitled to invade privacy of the family and of the deceased, and they do not dishonor the family and the deceased by gossiping and speculating. Those who gossip and speculate and spread rumors and false information and conspiracy theories are absolute garbage.

YOU are the one calling people ASSes and garbage for merely associating overdoses with died unexpectedly. It's a question that is understandable as obituaries, which I have been reading for nearly 40 years now, usually are clear on the cause of deaths, although I'll also say that in recent years that seems to be changing.

But I'll also echo the question, why the hostility? The rest of your post belies a certain anxiety and paranoia. Asking on an ANONYMOUS message forum if "died unexpectedly" is code for an overdose or suicide is not disrespectful. The rest of your post with its meaningless blather about respect or dishonoring has nothing to do with OP's question. You may have had a point if someone was planning to knock on the deceased's family's door and ask if the death was a drug overdose. But quietly conversing with neighbors or in the background about the cause of death is hardly "garbage."

You really don’t seem to grasp that you aren’t owed a cause of death, even though that is “usually clear” from the obituaries you have read.

And yes, it is disrespectful to ask for confirmation of your bias that “unexpected” is usually code for suicide. Again, you are not owed any cause of death, but you seem hell-bent on asserting that yes it is usually suicide, even though multiple people on here—not just me—have told you repeatedly that we personally know people who did not die by suicide, and their deaths were described as unexpected in your obituaries. Why can’t you admit that your assumption was wrong, when multiple posters have told you from lived experience that your assumption is wrong.

I find your attitude weird. There are various people, not just me, who have said that when we see an undefined death we do wonder if it was a suicide or overdose. Why does it bother you so much for us to wonder this? Suicides and overdoes are both unfortunately not uncommon, and are both tragedies. And sometimes it is nice to know what the cause of death was before we accidentally say something to the wrong person connected to the deceased. It works both ways. Not only in the way you're thinking.

As it is, my father is dying and when the time comes I'd have no problems with people asking me what caused his death. He is human. We all die. Life goes on for the living. I'm not shaming and judging or trying to impose a fake morality on others just for having a natural human curiosity in how someone passed away. But you are effectively telling people we can't have an interest in what happened to other people.

There is nothing wrong with having an interest in other people, or being curious. But what is wrong is failing to respect and follow the cues of the grieving family. If a grieving family does not choose to include a cause of death in the obituary, that’s a boundary you respect. Gossiping, speculating, spreading rumors and prying is not respectful. At all. Do you get that doing so can cause the family more pain?

My mother’s friend lost her son very suddenly and unexpectedly. They didn’t have the autopsy results and went ahead with the funeral. His obituary said unexpectedly. One mutual friend told my mom she “knew for a fact” that the cause of death was suicide. My mom told her to stop gossiping and never repeated it. Ultimately, the cause of death was found to be a seizure, which led to a fall. It was a bit of a fluke. Word got back through other friends to the mother of deceased that (let’s call her) Nancy was telling people it was a suicide. Do you think that didn’t cause tremendous pain, anger and feelings of betrayal? Several friendships were ruined. My mom’s friend lost more than a son, all because of gossips like some of you.

[Anonymous]

In my early days as a journalist, I had to write obits and "died unexpectedly" did not automatically mean suicide or drugs. You people need to self-reflect on why you want to believe the worst in any situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Suicide or OD 90% of the time. If it was a natural 'suddenly' (ie stroke or heart attack) it's usually spelled out to avoid the implications of the aforementioned causes.

This. If it's a heart attack, the obit will say heart attack

Not always. I know of two people who died of a heart attack and one obituary said “unexpectedly” and one said “after a sudden illness.”

You know what they say about those who ASSume. Look at you, true to form.

May I ask why you are so hostile?

It is human curiosity to inquire how people died. When I read "died unexpectedly" I do think overdoses. Obits go out of their way to avoid mentioning overdoses whereas for other deaths they're usually upfront. Including suicides ("took his life."

^^ this

I write obituaries as part of my job. You are wrong. Plain and simple, you are wrong. Just like there is no wrong or right way to grieve, there is no wrong or right way for a family to decide what to share and what not to share in an obituary, nor is there a wrong way for a grieving family to find the word choices that work for them. I have written the following as “died unexpectedly/died suddenly,” and I have read the following as “died unexpectedly/died suddenly,” when I was a friend or close family member who knew the cause of death:
-Heart attack
-Horrible ATV accident
-Aneurysm
-Hit in the head by a tree branch
-Undiagnosed congenital heart defect, and the family didn’t want to wait for autopsy report before moving forward with funeral
-Child who accidentally choked at home
-Yes, accidental overdose
-Yes, suicide

You are incorrect to ASSume. Of course curiosity is natural—we all feel it. Kind, intelligent, respectful people go beyond their base instincts and act in a civilized manner, which is to say they do not feel entitled to private family information, they do not feel entitled to invade privacy of the family and of the deceased, and they do not dishonor the family and the deceased by gossiping and speculating. Those who gossip and speculate and spread rumors and false information and conspiracy theories are absolute garbage.

YOU are the one calling people ASSes and garbage for merely associating overdoses with died unexpectedly. It's a question that is understandable as obituaries, which I have been reading for nearly 40 years now, usually are clear on the cause of deaths, although I'll also say that in recent years that seems to be changing.

But I'll also echo the question, why the hostility? The rest of your post belies a certain anxiety and paranoia. Asking on an ANONYMOUS message forum if "died unexpectedly" is code for an overdose or suicide is not disrespectful. The rest of your post with its meaningless blather about respect or dishonoring has nothing to do with OP's question. You may have had a point if someone was planning to knock on the deceased's family's door and ask if the death was a drug overdose. But quietly conversing with neighbors or in the background about the cause of death is hardly "garbage."

You really don’t seem to grasp that you aren’t owed a cause of death, even though that is “usually clear” from the obituaries you have read.

And yes, it is disrespectful to ask for confirmation of your bias that “unexpected” is usually code for suicide. Again, you are not owed any cause of death, but you seem hell-bent on asserting that yes it is usually suicide, even though multiple people on here—not just me—have told you repeatedly that we personally know people who did not die by suicide, and their deaths were described as unexpected in your obituaries. Why can’t you admit that your assumption was wrong, when multiple posters have told you from lived experience that your assumption is wrong.

I find your attitude weird. There are various people, not just me, who have said that when we see an undefined death we do wonder if it was a suicide or overdose. Why does it bother you so much for us to wonder this? Suicides and overdoes are both unfortunately not uncommon, and are both tragedies. And sometimes it is nice to know what the cause of death was before we accidentally say something to the wrong person connected to the deceased. It works both ways. Not only in the way you're thinking.

As it is, my father is dying and when the time comes I'd have no problems with people asking me what caused his death. He is human. We all die. Life goes on for the living. I'm not shaming and judging or trying to impose a fake morality on others just for having a natural human curiosity in how someone passed away. But you are effectively telling people we can't have an interest in what happened to other people.

There is nothing wrong with having an interest in other people, or being curious. But what is wrong is failing to respect and follow the cues of the grieving family. If a grieving family does not choose to include a cause of death in the obituary, that’s a boundary you respect. Gossiping, speculating, spreading rumors and prying is not respectful. At all. Do you get that doing so can cause the family more pain?

My mother’s friend lost her son very suddenly and unexpectedly. They didn’t have the autopsy results and went ahead with the funeral. His obituary said unexpectedly. One mutual friend told my mom she “knew for a fact” that the cause of death was suicide. My mom told her to stop gossiping and never repeated it. Ultimately, the cause of death was found to be a seizure, which led to a fall. It was a bit of a fluke. Word got back through other friends to the mother of deceased that (let’s call her) Nancy was telling people it was a suicide. Do you think that didn’t cause tremendous pain, anger and feelings of betrayal? Several friendships were ruined. My mom’s friend lost more than a son, all because of gossips like some of you.

I know of a similar story. A co-worker’s 22 y.o. son passed away unexpectedly from an undiagnosed congenital heart defect. The rumors of suicide started almost immediately. They actually put something about a heart condition into the obit… only for the rumors to switch to overdose, because, you know, “heart”. I couldn’t understand the cruelty of people who engaged in spreading the rumors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my early days as a journalist, I had to write obits and "died unexpectedly" did not automatically mean suicide or drugs. You people need to self-reflect on why you want to believe the worst in any situation.

+1. Makes them feel better about their own problems.

[Anonymous]

When I was wriring for The Post, died unexpetedely always meant suicide. That was news room style guide law. So if a big wigs kid died, you never said suddenly because it would mean suicide even if it wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was wriring for The Post, died unexpetedely always meant suicide. That was news room style guide law. So if a big wigs kid died, you never said suddenly because it would mean suicide even if it wasn't.

Suddenly or unexpectedly? Your style guide seems confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Vast majority of the time it means suicide, overdose (purposefully took a drug), or accidental poisoning (ie., took a drug and it was unknowingly laced with fentanyl). It could also indicate an alcohol-related death.

I mean, it could be anything as "died suddenly and unexpectedly" provides the cover of plausible deniability. But it's usually due to some element of shame associated with the death that the family doesn't want to discuss.

I really like how the Raskin family dealt with the suicide of their son. Honest and bittersweet.

Can you provide some statistics on this? Like, has anyone done a study comparing obits to actual cause of death?

[Anonymous]

What a day mb question.

[Anonymous]

My father died both suddenly and unexpectedly of a massive cardiac arrest. He was otherwise lean, healthy, a sportsman, a non-smoker, non-drinker and not on any medication.

It could be the original guy was ill, but not expected to pass so soon. And then he did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was wriring for The Post, died unexpetedely always meant suicide. That was news room style guide law. So if a big wigs kid died, you never said suddenly because it would mean suicide even if it wasn't.

You were a journalist?

[Anonymous]

I had a family member OD. We simply said he died on XX date in the obit. No explanation, no suddenly. But we were very open about cause of death to those at funeral.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was wriring for The Post, died unexpetedely always meant suicide. That was news room style guide law. So if a big wigs kid died, you never said suddenly because it would mean suicide even if it wasn't.

You were a journalist?

+1. You sound drunk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a family member OD. We simply said he died on XX date in the obit. No explanation, no suddenly. But we were very open about cause of death to those at funeral.

The internet (and every obit on it) is forever.