What explains this kind of behavior?

post reply Forum Index » Family Relationships
[Post New]03/02/2021 14:41
quote
Anonymous
Serious question...my SIL, Martha, calls DH every other day complaining to him about his brother’s drinking and anger management issues. If he doesn’t pick up her calls, she will ring 5-6 times in a single day. It's seems like she wants an audience instead of doing anything constructive to extricate herself from DH’s brother. She learned that DH is going into surgery (thanks to my oversharing MIlL) and suggested that DH’s brother come help DH run his workplace (they were in business together in the past). I feel like she has major boundary issues and doesn’t think she is overstepping. Anyone else experience this in their family? What explains this kind of behavior in people?
[Post New]03/02/2021 15:29
quote
Anonymous
Stop answering her calls and oversharing.
[Post New]03/02/2021 15:31
quote
Anonymous
She needs professional help, she's unwilling to get it (scared, overwhelmed, can't afford, logistics are too tough, name your reason), and so she's leaning on her brother.

I would say it's actually a form of enabling - as long as she can bend his ear with her stories of woe everyday, she can stay afloat and not get the help she needs or make any changes - but she does need it, as you can tell by the frantic calls when you don't answer.

I suggest that your husband tell her that her issues are very serious, and she needs to talk to a professional. He can volunteer to do the leg work for her (find an AA or Alanon meeting, find an anger management class, find a therapist and make her an appointment, etc, etc for either her or him) BUT can tell her that these issues are way over his head and he can't help her.

Then, when she starts talking about the drinking and anger, he should cut her off and say "Larla, we've talked about this. These are serious issues that I can't help you with. My offer to connect you with a professional or help in any way I can stands, but I don't have any further advice."
[Post New]03/02/2021 15:55
quote
jsmith123
Member Offline
That kind of behavior is often driven by anxiety.
[Post New]03/02/2021 16:03
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:She needs professional help, she's unwilling to get it (scared, overwhelmed, can't afford, logistics are too tough, name your reason), and so she's leaning on her brother.

I would say it's actually a form of enabling - as long as she can bend his ear with her stories of woe everyday, she can stay afloat and not get the help she needs or make any changes - but she does need it, as you can tell by the frantic calls when you don't answer.

I suggest that your husband tell her that her issues are very serious, and she needs to talk to a professional. He can volunteer to do the leg work for her (find an AA or Alanon meeting, find an anger management class, find a therapist and make her an appointment, etc, etc for either her or him) BUT can tell her that these issues are way over his head and he can't help her.

Then, when she starts talking about the drinking and anger, he should cut her off and say "Larla, we've talked about this. These are serious issues that I can't help you with. My offer to connect you with a professional or help in any way I can stands, but I don't have any further advice."

She’s calling her husbands brother, not her brother. If he hasn’t told her not to call, or call as much, I’m not sure how she is overstepping?
[Post New]03/02/2021 16:03
quote
Anonymous
jsmith123 wrote:That kind of behavior is often driven by anxiety.


Enough with the diagnosing.
[Post New]03/02/2021 16:04
quote
Anonymous
Enabling and codependency
And yes, probably also an underlying anxiety disorder in addition
[Post New]03/02/2021 17:16
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She needs professional help, she's unwilling to get it (scared, overwhelmed, can't afford, logistics are too tough, name your reason), and so she's leaning on her brother.

I would say it's actually a form of enabling - as long as she can bend his ear with her stories of woe everyday, she can stay afloat and not get the help she needs or make any changes - but she does need it, as you can tell by the frantic calls when you don't answer.

I suggest that your husband tell her that her issues are very serious, and she needs to talk to a professional. He can volunteer to do the leg work for her (find an AA or Alanon meeting, find an anger management class, find a therapist and make her an appointment, etc, etc for either her or him) BUT can tell her that these issues are way over his head and he can't help her.

Then, when she starts talking about the drinking and anger, he should cut her off and say "Larla, we've talked about this. These are serious issues that I can't help you with. My offer to connect you with a professional or help in any way I can stands, but I don't have any further advice."

She’s calling her husbands brother, not her brother. If he hasn’t told her not to call, or call as much, I’m not sure how she is overstepping?


OP here. DH finally told her to get her act together and she wasn’t happy that he told her off. I don’t think it’s normal to be calling out of state relatives so many times in a day. Or making suggestions to ship a problematic spouse to them.
[Post New]03/02/2021 17:36
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
jsmith123 wrote:That kind of behavior is often driven by anxiety.


Enough with the diagnosing.


I think it’s more a control issue. She can’t control her husband so she tries to be a puppet master.
[Post New]03/02/2021 17:57
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:She needs professional help, she's unwilling to get it (scared, overwhelmed, can't afford, logistics are too tough, name your reason), and so she's leaning on her brother.

I would say it's actually a form of enabling - as long as she can bend his ear with her stories of woe everyday, she can stay afloat and not get the help she needs or make any changes - but she does need it, as you can tell by the frantic calls when you don't answer.

I suggest that your husband tell her that her issues are very serious, and she needs to talk to a professional. He can volunteer to do the leg work for her (find an AA or Alanon meeting, find an anger management class, find a therapist and make her an appointment, etc, etc for either her or him) BUT can tell her that these issues are way over his head and he can't help her.

Then, when she starts talking about the drinking and anger, he should cut her off and say "Larla, we've talked about this. These are serious issues that I can't help you with. My offer to connect you with a professional or help in any way I can stands, but I don't have any further advice."


She ought to seek help herself. Everyone has access to Google.
[Post New]03/02/2021 20:58
quote
jsmith123
Member Offline
Anonymous wrote:
jsmith123 wrote:That kind of behavior is often driven by anxiety.


Enough with the diagnosing.


The OP asked what explains this kind of behavior. I am taking my best guess, as requested.
[Post New]03/02/2021 21:51
quote
Anonymous
Other people in the family allow it
[Post New]03/02/2021 22:06
quote
Anonymous
Can you block her calls? You have no obligation to an SIL.
[Post New]03/02/2021 22:32
quote
Anonymous
Overstepping?

As in...running to the internet with the problems directly experienced by a different, grown person?

If your husband wanted to shut that shit down and cease to indulge her, he could. He's grown. He CHOOSES not to.

You have every right to tell him that hearing about all this drama and nonsense upsets you, and please stop telling you about her incessant calls or unreasonable demands. You have every right to set that boundary.

What you don't have a right to do is take it to the streets to try to ask Internet strangers to...diagnose your SIL? "What explains this kind of behavior?" Well, not many of us are psychologists, but...

...as the relative of an alcoholic, having someone you love be an addict is very anxiety-producing. You want to fix it. You want someone else to fix it because you can't. You feel worry and anxiety and hopelessness, and you want your loved ones to help fix it.

It might be helpful to see if your husband would be comfortable suggesting Al-Anon or another support group for relatives of addicts to his sister. Suggest that to him, ONCE then drop it.

YOU need to drop it. If your husband chooses to engage in this drama, that is his choice. You can only control how much you listen to it. And stay off the internet about it.
[Post New]03/02/2021 22:36
quote
Anonymous

Anxiety, definitely. Also, are you sure MIL isn't pushing this?

Your husband has to tell her to stop calling.
post reply Forum Index » Family Relationships
Message Quick Reply
Go to: 

Search   Recent Topics   Hottest Topics