Friend Mom Shaming Me

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[Post New]02/19/2021 07:55
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, this isn’t that hard:

Stop following her on social media. Mute her.
Stop giving her details about what you’re doing.

Or best of all, you could just tell her to stop:
“Sally, you and I will each make the decision that is best for our family. Please stop with the comments about breastfeeding, sleep, etc. You come off as judgmental, and that’s not good for our friendship.”


No, do NOT confront her about it, that will just invite further debate and competition.


If she really is a good friend, then she would stop. So there’s the answer, OP: If you think this will embolden the “friend,” then she really isn’t a friend. She’s someone you’ve spent time with and had some things in common. Time to move on. No one has time for this.


+1

depends if the relationship is worth fighting for
[Post New]02/19/2021 07:55
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Stop following her social media. Distance. Your baby is normal and it will be OK. You do what you have to do to cope.


This. And she probably doesn’t mean anything against you personally, she is just seeking out praise from others on social media for her choices. Maybe she is a bad place mentally and Fb likes give her a boost- not saying that is right, but I see a lot of new moms do this.

Just distance for now and you do what works for you.
[Post New]02/19/2021 08:07
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Anonymous
Regardless of what she does or what you do, anyone who posts about this stuff on social media is dull and small minded and I would probably not be their friend anyway. And I am pretty gung ho about BF but nobody except DH would know that.
[Post New]02/19/2021 09:49
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jsmith123
Member Offline
OP I think the issue may be two-fold here.

Your friend is on her own journey with her own struggles, and she might be more vocal about it on social media than the "norm".

But, if you felt confident in your own choices, I doubt your feelings would be hurt by your friend's posts.

I'm saying this not because you made the wrong choices at all, but because the beginning of parenthood can be fraught with insecurity.

We all want to do what is best for our children, and when we see people making different decisions -- decisions that they are CONFIDENT in... decisions that are different than ours -- it can make you question yourself.

At least, that was my experience.

For this situation, I would do two things.

1) I would give your friend some grace, and assume she's going through the same new parent insecurities that you are.
2) I would hide her on social media for now and give yourself some time to operate as a new parent in the vacuum of your friend's opinions.
[Post New]02/19/2021 09:53
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I have a baby who is a little over 4 months old. Things were really hard in the beginning with breastfeeding, weight issues, and sleep. I ended up pumping and then switching to formula at 4 months. I ended up sleep training at 4 months. I have a friend who has a baby a little older than mine. She had been posting on social media or making comments to me on how glad she is that she didn’t give on breastfeeding or how she would never sleep train, etc. It’s like she constantly does these things and I feel like she purposely does it to take digs at me. I’m not sure why but I feel like she thinks she is better than me or maybe wants to make herself feel that way. It’s been upsetting and I’m thinking of distancing myself from her. My husband tells me all the time how I’m doing amazing and that her opinion doesn’t matter. We have to do what works for us and our family. It still upsets me and I don’t really know how to handle it.


Sometimes people post things and it isn't about you. If you posted what you did, ( formula feeding sleep training) do you think your friend would take it personally? Would you think of posting in order to get your friend upset? If not, why assume the worst in your friend? What she did worked for her. What you are doing works for you.
[Post New]02/19/2021 10:26
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Anonymous
-unfollow her on social media

-if she says things like that directly to you, have a ready response "How do you think it makes me feel when you say that?"
[Post New]02/19/2021 10:32
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Anonymous
I think it depends on your relationship. If this is an acquaintance, or a casual friend you're not that close to, then yeah, time to distance. She's probably just insecure about her own choices, but you do not need that as a new mom! Dial back the friendship and unfollow on social media. You can always pick it back up in a few years, she might be in a better spot, plus you do have kids the same age which can be nice.

If it's a close friend, or someone you value, I'd take the honesty path. Something like "I appreciate that our parenting styles are different, which is totally fine, but your comments about how you would "never sleep train" or that you are glad you didn't "give up" on breastfeeding really feel like digs at my parenting. It's hard enough navigating motherhood, but what I need now is support, not judgment, and I can't help but feel judged by your comments." Then see what she says.
[Post New]02/19/2021 11:37
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I have a baby who is a little over 4 months old. Things were really hard in the beginning with breastfeeding, weight issues, and sleep. I ended up pumping and then switching to formula at 4 months. I ended up sleep training at 4 months. I have a friend who has a baby a little older than mine. She had been posting on social media or making comments to me on how glad she is that she didn’t give on breastfeeding or how she would never sleep train, etc. It’s like she constantly does these things and I feel like she purposely does it to take digs at me. I’m not sure why but I feel like she thinks she is better than me or maybe wants to make herself feel that way. It’s been upsetting and I’m thinking of distancing myself from her. My husband tells me all the time how I’m doing amazing and that her opinion doesn’t matter. We have to do what works for us and our family. It still upsets me and I don’t really know how to handle it.


You do what works for you and your child. Ignore her bullying and drop her from your life.
[Post New]02/19/2021 11:43
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Anonymous
She is not a friend.
[Post New]02/19/2021 11:45
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I don’t regret stopping breastfeeding or sleep training. I have more time with my baby, getting good sleep, and my baby is much happier now that he is getting good sleep. His night sleep was good but he was taking short naps and wanted to be held for naps most of the time. Now he sleeps only wakes up ones to eat is taking solid naps in his crib.

I do try to ignore but I don’t want to say anything because I know she will know that it got to me.


If you want to give her the benefit if the doubt (as to not being a terrible person, that is) then this post basically sums up why she is doing this. She is making her life much harder than it has to be by continuing to breastfeed, not sleep training, etc. and so she desperately needs to believe that she is doing this to herself for a reason. The fact that it seriously DOES.NOT.MATTER in the long run is not something she is capable of recognizing right now. In a few years she’ll probably look back on her behavior right now and cringe.
[Post New]02/19/2021 11:49
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Anonymous
OP, you are entitled to distance yourself. Step back a lot, let time pass. that may make a difference, and it may not.She may become much more humble and realize she's not an expert on everything. All you can do is manage, and regulate, your interactions with her. If she's actually rude to-your-face, don't let that slide.
[Post New]02/19/2021 11:53
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Anonymous
Stop telling her things. Hide her on social media. You don't have to share anything with her, and you don't have to look at anything of hers. Find other people to be around, too. Look for people who make you feel good. Don't give your time to people who aren't really friends.
[Post New]02/19/2021 12:17
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:She is posting on social media to brag, boast, get attention and applause. Her posts are not directed at you. Her comments to you directly are to make her feel good/superior about herself at your expense. This behavior is juvenile and obnoxious in my opinion.
Who wants to be friends with someone that makes parenting an infant a competition? Not me. I prefer friends that are supportive without being judgmental.
It sounds like you need reassurance that you are doing a good job taking care of your baby. Just because someone else does things differently doesn’t mean one of you is more right or better than the other.


+1
She's insecure.


Very insecure. Mute her and know her comments have nothing to do with you, your baby or your parenting choices.
[Post New]02/19/2021 12:28
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Anonymous
I would distance yourself from her.

But remember this: She is also a new mom and needs support. She probably is feeling weird because your guys' mothering styles are diverging, and she's looking for support elsewhere. So, have some sympathy for her, too.

Is it possible you are making weird comments to her, too, and not realizing they are hurtful? Things like, "Breastfeeding is a waste of time," or "Sleep training is the best," etc.
[Post New]02/19/2021 12:30
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Anonymous
She's insecure. Breastfeeding is hard and there's very few people who will approve of you doing it. A lot of us face mean MILs who are pissed we're bfing and want to feed baby bottles of formula, daycares who wish we used formula, on and on.

Just ignore her. She's ridiculous in posting stuff like this. It's petty.

I never, ever mention breastfeeding unless a friend asks me directly for advice. Even if they're struggling with breastfeeding, I stay silent. Anything you say can easily come off as judgmental. Fed is best.
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