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I don't fit in here but can't move-- words of encouragment
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Anonymous
Actually this pp has an excellent point. I feel a lot more isolated now that I'm dealing with family and hour-long commutes and full days at an office. I miss graduate school a lot but I realize that that was back when I was single and had a flexible schedule and was around a lot of other single people in a similar situation. |
Anonymous
I was the PP who suggested cognitive-behavioral therapy. Not because I thought there was something "wrong" with you or that you "need therapy", but that as someone who has done it for a really minor but important challenge I was facing, it really really helped. I was someone who used to think that one had to have major problems to explore this avenue. Only after trying it, I can say it can be really helpful and doesn't have to be reserved for major issues. My post was meant to be helpful and encouraging. |
Anonymous
Thanks. I'm the PP you quoted. I do think that sometimes when people graduate college (or grad school), then move to a completely different area and start their families and kids that sometimes they blame the changes in their lives on the new city instead of on the reality that you're just not going to be as close to friends anymore once you have your own family. It's not like I have time to bond with friends anymore by spending hours with them on the phone or in person anymore like I did when I was single. (And they don't have the time either.) |
Anonymous
| OP, the only advice I can offer is this: wherever you go, there you are. If you can't find something good about DC, you will soon tire of wherever you choose to live. Take it from someone who has lived in many places (including mythical small-town America and overseas), and who has struggled for 39 years to find "home", the problems you have here with people will follow you to your next place. Make peace with people here, because it means you will be making peace with yourself. Honestly, it's not them, it's you. |
Anonymous
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Hypothetically: So if it's not OP, what about the "cliquey ones"? Seriously, (and this may be one of OP's points) - my neighborhood is like a bad high school experience. I imagine, because my high school experience was quite good. I'm thinking, did I do something wrong in a past life, because these women are quite rude (not friendly, not inclusive). This coming from someone who has lived most everywhere, is pretty accomplished and is not naive. I've never had trouble meeting people here (or anywhere) before. But let's face it, this area likes to jump on you quite a lot! I'm left thinking, "gee, did I not bake the right cookies?" "Am I not Junior League (shoot me now) enough?" What kind of attitude is that to be given? It sucks. Who the f*ck aspires to belong to the Junior League? How sad is that? "What if THIS is as good as it gets?!?!" |
Anonymous
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SO D.C. to say "it must be you" - HA! |
Anonymous
It's not as good as it gets. You have surrounded yourself with people you dislike. You need to find the people you get along with better. You do realize that it is improbable that everyone is this entire region is the same right? If you think they are, as OP is suggesting, then this is more what the problem is. |
Anonymous
If you honestly believe that the millions of people in this area are all the same, then yes, it must be you. This would apply to any area, BTW. |
Anonymous
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I'm from what many of this board would think of as small town nowheresville, and I still like D.C. We have a lot of great friends here, and it feels very much like home now. The nice people we know far outweigh the uptight snobbish ones, not that we don't know a few of those too -- but we don't hang out with them. They are easy to avoid.
I agree that if you can't find any people you want to be friends with, you are looking in the wrong places, or for the wrong things. That said, OP, it might be that you would be happier somewhere else, but if you have to stay here, I am sure there are ways you could grow to tolerate it more. |
zumbamama
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| OP, are there any other cities that appeal to you that would also have jobs in your field? |
Anonymous
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OP, what burb are you in? Would you consider moving to a different one (or even just a different neighborhood)? I do think that starting with the micro level of your life can make a difference. There are plenty of less competitive and less uptight places around here--Kensington, MD comes to mind.
I do understand the feeling of not fitting in here. I'm an academic and had always pictured myself in a college town. In that mythical place of my dreams (clearly an imaginary place), I'd have no problem meeting people like me. In DC, I have to work harder. I think other people are right in pointing out that we can make some choices about whom we meet--in churches/temples, classes, book clubs, kids' activities, kids' schools. Slowly we're developing a community of people--the trick is finding the specific places more likely to have possible friends. Good luck! |
Anonymous
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20:15 - You clearly need to find some new friends. If you are left actually worrying about whether you baked the right cookies, then
a) you have too much time for cookies, or b) you are letting the opinions of people who don't matter become too important in your life, or c) you personally, and not the women you are referring to, are stuck back in high school. Those people are everywhere. If they want to worry about that crap, let them and stop worrying about it. Focus on people you like. |
Anonymous
Huah. I was the person that said "The outside world rarely changes at all; perspective changes everything" and ITTTA with you. It's hard to hear "It's you".... but it is. Life is short and it's what you make of it. I hate to speak in metaphors, but in this case, they apply. |
Anonymous
Maybe it is DC to say "it isn't me - it is the 6 million of you!". Maybe OP is more assimilated than she realizes.... |
Anonymous
I have two perspectives, one as someone that had parents move to "the ideal small town" when I was in high school and as someone that moved to the DC area maybe 10 years ago. From the perspective as the kid that moved, unless you are moving back to your small town or someplace where you know people, it can still be tough. I felt my parents moved for the ideal and the reality was much different. Where they moved was really more about who you know and what college team you rooted for rather than what you know. This was a change from where my parents moved from. My dad left a job that paid quite well in his field and could barely find a job where they moved. That put a huge strain on their marriage. I'm not sure how old your kids are, but my sisters felt they never fit in living in North Carolina and I think they were 5 and 10 when my parents moved. We left a certain amount of diversity behind - religious and ethnic - and moved to a place where there wasn't as much diversity. We never had the closeness with our neighbors where we moved and in contrast I remember knowing my neighbors on either side of our house rather well in NY. I envy my husband's childhood where his parents lived in the same house until the kids graduated from college. While his parents may not have been best friends with all the neighbors, there was enough of a closeness with the kids that he has fond memories of growing up with all of them. It has taken time but I am slowly getting to know my neighbors here - the block party helps. I don't find my neighbors uptight. There are also a lot of different personalities, family situations, and ages on my block. From the perspective of someone that moved here about 10 years ago, I think it is harder to make friends out of college because people just don't have that kind of time. I find being a part of groups that have Mom's Night Out helps. Also as someone said, it could take 5 years to really get to know someone. You also have to be willing to put yourself out there to some extent, to issue the invitation to do something. I hate organizing events and having logistics that go along with kids - someone sick at the last minute, lessons that conflict, other plans of some sort - BUT if I didn't put myself out there, I would never go beyond the college friends I have in the area. |