I don't fit in here but can't move-- words of encouragment

[Anonymous]

I'm really sorry I completely understand the sentiments esp about raising kids around here. I'm eager to return to small town America soon, which is in the works now. Pace of life is just...less competitive

However I have met some wonderful, caring people around here too. Took a little searching and some open minded feelings but it paid off. And now I can say I have some of the dearest friends here all of whom will be greatly missed when we move in the Spring.

[Anonymous]

I have had a hard time with this type of thing in this area too. I come from a small town, as does DH and now that we have children, it became more important to us to remove ourselves from the environment where we lived ( Bethesda). We have, however, made a lot of friends here - have been in this area since grad school five years ago. Despite these friendships, more often than not, I felt uncomfortable here, teenagers here are a lot different than the ones I know from where I grew up. There's a sense of entitlement here that I find atrocious and unsettling. I realize that not everyone is that way and have lots of friends who are not. However, I have met far more people that are. We recently moved out to the 'burbs, to a very small community. We still have the same jobs and that has required a larger commute. The schools are good, the sense of community is amazing and I have felt relieved since we moved there. I don't miss the fast paced Bethesda lifestyle at all. I think you may have more options than you realize. No career, school, etc. is worth it if you are truly unhappy. If your kids are young, they will adapt. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Hahaa...these comments make me laugh and really prove my point! Only a few of the postings were actually nice. Everyone else chose to say i either need therapy or that i'm the problem. My posting was simply that i'm not sure this is the right area for me and my question was more about whether people choose to stay somewhere they don't necessarily love for the sake of their job and children? I'm not DC bashing. I'm just saying it's not the best fit for my personality.
Thanks to those with helpful suggestions and encouraging comments.

I have found we are in charge of our own happiness, once we get the basics sorted out (as in health, shelter, food, etc). I'm happy to give you words of encouragement: "Hang in there!"

But does that really help? As someone pointed out you are painting an area of about 5M people with a pretty broad brush. I thought you got some helpful tips...but oh well. I guess if you want to stay miserable and assume everyone is superficial and uptight that is up to you, but sounds like a crappy way to live!

I have lived in many places over the years - from mid-sized town in the south where people are notoriously friendly, to small college towns, to living abroad for a while, and then in another big city before settling here in the DC area. You can't control your environment all the time but you can control your outlook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: Hahaa...these comments make me laugh and really prove my point! Only a few of the postings were actually nice. Everyone else chose to say i either need therapy or that i'm the problem. My posting was simply that i'm not sure this is the right area for me and my question was more about whether people choose to stay somewhere they don't necessarily love for the sake of their job and children? I'm not DC bashing. I'm just saying it's not the best fit for my personality.
Thanks to those with helpful suggestions and encouraging comments.

Yikes. NP here. I read all the posts and found only two that I'd characterize as not "actually nice", and at worst I'd call them "direct". Methinks the problem is you, OP. I'm not from here, and I'm down to earth and have lived in very small towns (and also medium towns, medium cities and large cities) and all of the posts were *so* nice, constructive and truly thoughtful. Your perspective needs work. Take a hard look at it. I know it can feel bad to be the outsider, but trust me, if you feel like an outsider, you'll be one. The outside world rarely changes at all; perspective changes everything.

[Anonymous]

OP, I totally agree with you and know for a fact, it is NOT you. Some have the luxury of knowing they will be transfered every few years. When one does not have that luxury, it is harder to imagine light at the end of the tunnel. Gosh, I'd love to move and start new every few years, too, come to think of it! But they know not of what they speak, because they are not stuck here.

When I say stuck, it sounds harsh. But I know what you mean about the people. They are generally not happy here. Again, I know for a fact it is NOT you.

I have heard this before - think of D.C. as a journey, not the destination. There are a lot of places to live.

Some personalities better fit an attitude (and area) that doesn't take itself so seriously. I have known areas far more educated, accomplished (and more expensive) than this area; which I would much prefer. Something to look forward to!

The personalities that fit in here and like it here so much wouldn't understand that (and will consequently flame away).

You are absolutely not alone, OP. Just know that.

[Anonymous]

Do you realise how ridiculous you sound pp? the personalities that fit in here? Is that everywhere from Rockville to Indian Head? All 5 million of us?

One thing I know, we will be well shot of you and your stereotyping of an entire region.

[Anonymous]

I'm glad the woman who went on about the cars acknowledged being pretentious. Wow.

OP - Yes, it isn't your home town, but it really isn't bad here. There are all sorts of people, including many down-in-the-dumps transports who can't get past their small towns. There is lots to do, and lots of opportunities for kids. In fact there is so much opportunity here that your kids may not have to move away to find some, and you may get the joy of living near your grandkids one day.

I have found lovely down-to-earth people. I am NOT in the PTA in-crowd. I never had a mommy group. Look around you. There are lovely people everywhere.

Furthermore, I have lived in some small places. They just compete about different things - including cars. There are upsides and downsides of that life, too.

If you really hate it here, and it really is that important to be in your small town (where apparently you can't do your current job). Go home, and take a crappy job there. If that life isn't appealing, then try finding the bright side of this place and find a way to make it your home.

[Anonymous]

We are blessed to be able to do ours jobs anywhere. DH likes it here and we have agreed to stay here X amount of time.

I take issue with those who are cold and calculating, which is why I am not a fan of D.C. I have known places far more accomplished, educated, successful, and HAPPY. What a concept! People here are not happy like they are in other places.

But there are so many here from small towns, that people here NARROWLY ASSUME that if one is not from here, they are from small town yahooville (or the like).

Hence, my reasoning that D.C.'ers need to think outside their own world. Not everything is semantics and lawyering (spoken from a lawyer).

It is easy to see why some are simply not fans of the area, or it's mob mentality. PP may want to brush up on socioeconomic issues and emotional intelligence.

Some of us are not so easily impressed as D.C.'ers, thankfully. Small towns have nothing to do with it - to your chagrin.

[Anonymous]

OP - I agree with you. More nasty posts than not. People just can't wait to jump on others about nothing here. And pretend they're not - HA!

[Anonymous]

Some may wish to raise their children with different "values" than here? Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
We are blessed to be able to do ours jobs anywhere. DH likes it here and we have agreed to stay here X amount of time.

I take issue with those who are cold and calculating, which is why I am not a fan of D.C. I have known places far more accomplished, educated, successful, and HAPPY. What a concept! People here are not happy like they are in other places.

But there are so many here from small towns, that people here NARROWLY ASSUME that if one is not from here, they are from small town yahooville (or the like).

Hence, my reasoning that D.C.'ers need to think outside their own world. Not everything is semantics and lawyering (spoken from a lawyer).

It is easy to see why some are simply not fans of the area, or it's mob mentality. PP may want to brush up on socioeconomic issues and emotional intelligence.

Some of us are not so easily impressed as D.C.'ers, thankfully. Small towns have nothing to do with it - to your chagrin.

NP here: You really need to try to make the best of it. Not everyone in D.C (or the mean, cold, calculating suburb in which you reside) is unhappy. It is easier to point to an external factor, than to something within. Maybe you should move to this utopia, where everyone is apparently "far more accomplished, educated, successful,and HAPPY." Ydeah, what a concept.

I have lived abroad, in the South, the North, abroad, the Midwest, big bad city, small rural town, midsized city; somehow I don't think any place is completely devoid of happy people, or lacks superficial, snobby people.

[Anonymous]

What you are reading as nasty, I'm reading as people saying: "hey, I live here, Ilike it here, and I'm not shallow, awful or calculating. Show the better side of yourself, and you will find people like us. When you say everyone here is awful, you don't sound like someone who'd even try to be our friend if we met."

I'm sorry for those of you who don't get to live in your first choice location. It really isn't the end of your opportunity for happiness, and people can (and do) raise nice children here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

"I see this on the board and just don't get it--I meet plenty of nice, down to earth regular people around here."

Same here - and I live in NWDC and DH and I are both lawyers, yet we've managed to find a great cycle of friends who are low on the pretense, superficiality, etc.

Well, I totally disagree and I've lived in NWDC for 15 years, and DH and I are both lawyers as well. It's hard to put together a whole circle of people, whom you see regularly, who are not competitive, driven, and yes, a little bit pretentious. In fairness, I lump myself in there at the very low end of the scale. I drive a German import

I think it comes down to what you are accustomed to. How do you define 'pretense' for example? Where are you from? Bergen County or Springfield, IL? Even the friendliest folks in my neighborhood (20015), who would trade babysitting with me, etc., are more pretentious than the people I knew from back home in ranch country. That's just the way it is. In the high plains of Wyoming, no matter how good of a year you had, you would never, ever, ever, ever treat yourself to a Mercedes GL class SUV. That would be putting on airs, because nobody needs a $70K vehicle. You sure as heck wouldn't show off to your neighbors about the awesome years (aka, bonus!) you had.

That's funny. I live in the same general area as you and find it to be one of the least pretentious places in the area. The kids don't dress to impress, the cars are mainly minivans and smallish SUV's, the houses are not gigantic and the values seem to be focused on education rather than acquiring things. I think it's different just a few miles away in the Maryland 'burbs. I know it's different from where I grew up in NJ - the kids and parents there are way more ostentatious and focused on material things than my neighbors.

[Anonymous]

I started a short-lived thread a while ago on how DCUM posters compare to your real life. I started it after I read some particularly nasty exchanges on DCUM. It struck me, at the time, that the people I know in real life are kind, supportive, secure, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I totally agree with you and know for a fact, it is NOT you. . . . You are absolutely not alone, OP. Just know that.

Do you not see the humor in this? Yes, it's everyone else in our area of 5 million people who have the problem.