I don't fit in here but can't move-- words of encouragment

[Anonymous]

I've been in the DC area over 10 years and I am really struggling with living here. I grew up in a small town somewhere else and after getting married having kids who are now in school I'm realizing i just don't like it here. My husband and i have great jobs that neither of us want to give up but do we really stay somewhere for a job? I also don't want to pull my kids out of school to move them somwhere else. Even though they are little i just don't want to do that. So, do other people live somewhere they dislike because of a job? Even at work, my career is successful, but i have a hard time connecting with people because everyone is so superficial and uptight. ANd it's not my employer, it is the area in general. Even in the 'burbs where we live it's constant competition and uptight personalities i have a hard time dealing with. I'm just finding myself really unhappy living here now that it's time to raise a family. Any words of encouragement?

[Anonymous]

I sympathize OP, and this will sound mean, but I'm tempted to say, it's not them, it's you.

This is a big area with a lot of diverse people. I understand as your kids get older your circle tends to get smaller, because you are chained to neighbors, coworkers, and parents at your children's school, but not EVERYONE here is superficial and uptight.

I grew up in a much nicer, friendlier place - I agree that this area is very competitive, high anxiety with traffic and cost of living, people can be very rude and caught up in their own lives etc., but come on, there are nice folks here too. I just feel like you are idealizing other areas and if you move, you will find there are trade offs.

I don't mean to sound harsh - I just think there are a lot of resources here you can take advantage of. You both like your jobs? That is incredible right there! How are your kids' schools, and your commutes? If you are unhappy with something like that, moving to a different area of town can make a huge difference. I understand it's not easy to do that, but it is also not easy to pick up and move a family to a whole different area of the country.

[Anonymous]

I think its likely not everyone who is superficial or uptight, but maybe your are encountering more extroverted people who are. A lot of people are introverted, and by definition might not be out and about as much. Have you considered changing some of the circles or groups you spend time with or identifying new ones? Making friends as an adult is really tough. I can identify.

I would also like to put a plug in for some cognitive-behavioral therapy- not saying something is wrong with you, but instead it is useful for modifying your frame of reference. I did it a few years ago to address some anxiety issues I was having and was amazed how much it helped me see things differently. It can be tricky to find a therapist who clicks with you, but its worth the effort and exercise.

[Anonymous]

There are many of us in the same boat. Similar boats, actually, because I have the opposite problem. DC is too sleepy for me, but DH's best career prospects are here.

I don't know if this is encouraging, but I guess I just see this as one of many things in life that didn't go as I had hoped. It's the balance between aspiration and reality, and you already know which one wins.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people are superficial and uptight here. But there are 5 million people in the area: not all of them are. You just need a handful of friends you get along with, then you can let all the nonsense wash over you.

Remember, you might find people equally superficial everywhere else, if not quite as uptight...

[Anonymous]

I empathize. There are definite cultural differences here (meaning friendly/slowpaced vs. more insular/fastpaced).

Wanna be my friend?

[Anonymous]

OP, I was born in another country, another culture and I struggled to "fit in" for years until I realized that I didn't have to fit in.
I tried hanging out with people from my country but unfortunatelly I didn't fit in with them either - other perspective and life plans.
Anyway, I learned to handle the differences and I just refocus. Instead of focusing on what I was used to and what I wish I had I tried to focus on all the wonderful things are offered in the area and how fortunate we are to afford to live a comfortable life in such a place.
I learned to see that people and things back home were not perfect either and I was just upset because I was comfortable with it and I just had to give myself more time to get used to the way things happen over here too.
Anyway, good luck to you OP and try to focus on the wonderful opportunity you're giving your children by letting them grow in such a multicultural place. DC is so rich! - by the way, I just noticed that most people in DC are not from DC anyway

[Anonymous]

OP I totally understand. I have been miserable with the fast paced stressed out life here. Granted there are things I LOVE about this area, overall this is not where I want to settle my family.
I don't know everything about your career or finances, but I don't think careers are good enough to stay. (everyones circumstances are different for alot of people it might be) But for our family its not. We are currently transferring to a smaller mountain town. I can't tell you the weight that has already lifted, and we aren't even there yet.
We can afford a nice home on an acre, etc. Great schools. IMO a much better quality of life.
Is it possible to ask for a transfer or look for jobs elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

I'm coming to this realization as well, especially now that dd is in a NW preschool. Just the drive into DC can raise my blood pressure. Fortunately, we live in a neighborhood that's pretty down-to-earth. A long-time friend who knew us well recommended it, and I realize now how spot-on she was. That said, I wouldn't say we've made many friends here -- I'm friendly with many and we enjoy socializing with one couple down the street. I'm not that social to begin with, so we're OK with this.

If you're feeling out of place, I would think about the possibility of moving to another neighborhood, but if that's not feasible, joining/going places (e.g., gyms, churches, charities) that suit you and your family better. I think the further out of DC (in certain directions), the less attitude, but that's just my opinion/experience.

[Anonymous]

I see this on the board and just don't get it--I meet plenty of nice, down to earth regular people around here. One thing I find is that people seem to want instant friendships when they move here, and compare their lives to whatever it was they had "back home" but that is not a fair comparison. Of course it is going to be easier to feel a deep connection with people you've known your whole life, whose parents knew your parents, who grew up doing the same things you did and who have the same frame of reference as you do. But that doesn't happen by chance but is rather the result of connections that have taken years to develop. People move here and want that to automatically exist, without understanding that you have to have a HISTORY with people to develop those close connections. That takes effort, and time, and people who are unhappy here don't often see that they haven't made that investment. People may seem "superficial" or "uptight" on the surface so they get written off. You may be missing out on some great friendships because you aren't willing to scratch past the surface, past the protective armor we all carry, to really get to know people. What kind of impression do YOU give off do you think? Maybe you come across as superficial too, as a reaction to the perceived superficialtiy of others?

So make an effort. Invite people over for drinks and dinner. Disarm them with your charm. If they start being "competitive" or "superficial" acknowledge that that may just be a mask they use to protect themselves, and be kind. Be interested in what they have to say. If they brag about their careers, instead of being annoyed, try asking them real questions about what they do and why they love it, and watch them open up. I have a friend who I first hated because all she ever talked about was the private school her kids were applying too, but I hung in there and realized that she was just playing a role she thought she had to play, and underneath all that she was just terrific. Now I can razz her about being one of "those moms" and vice versa.

Basically, if you refuse to play the game, it will attract to you others who feel the same. But someone has to be the one to take that risk of being open and real first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So make an effort. Invite people over for drinks and dinner. Disarm them with your charm. If they start being "competitive" or "superficial" acknowledge that that may just be a mask they use to protect themselves, and be kind. Be interested in what they have to say. If they brag about their careers, instead of being annoyed, try asking them real questions about what they do and why they love it, and watch them open up. I have a friend who I first hated because all she ever talked about was the private school her kids were applying too, but I hung in there and realized that she was just playing a role she thought she had to play, and underneath all that she was just terrific. Now I can razz her about being one of "those moms" and vice versa.

Basically, if you refuse to play the game, it will attract to you others who feel the same. But someone has to be the one to take that risk of being open and real first.

This is excellent advice! I completely agree.

Please don't write off an entire area. There are lots of wonderful people here. Don't worry about the overall vibe of the area or even your neighborhood. Focus on individuals, one at a time.

My experience here has been that some people are wonderful right from the first time you meet them. Some open up slowly because they're guarded or shy or just overwhelmed with their lives. Others put on a front that masks their truly kind and interesting selves. But if you're patient, persistent and kind, you'll find some great people around here!!

[Anonymous]

"I see this on the board and just don't get it--I meet plenty of nice, down to earth regular people around here."

Same here - and I live in NWDC and DH and I are both lawyers, yet we've managed to find a great cycle of friends who are low on the pretense, superficiality, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP: what does "uptight" mean to you? How do you define it, and what makes you think everyone here fits that? What are you looking for in people that you can't seem to find?

I find it hard to believe that in an area as diverse as this, everyone is "uptight", and nobody is suitable for friendship with you. When it seems like everyone around you is the problem, it might be time to look at the single common denominator: you.

[Anonymous]

"I see this on the board and just don't get it--I meet plenty of nice, down to earth regular people around here."

Same here - and I live in NWDC and DH and I are both lawyers, yet we've managed to find a great cycle of friends who are low on the pretense, superficiality, etc.

Well, I totally disagree and I've lived in NWDC for 15 years, and DH and I are both lawyers as well. It's hard to put together a whole circle of people, whom you see regularly, who are not competitive, driven, and yes, a little bit pretentious. In fairness, I lump myself in there at the very low end of the scale. I drive a German import

I think it comes down to what you are accustomed to. How do you define 'pretense' for example? Where are you from? Bergen County or Springfield, IL? Even the friendliest folks in my neighborhood (20015), who would trade babysitting with me, etc., are more pretentious than the people I knew from back home in ranch country. That's just the way it is. In the high plains of Wyoming, no matter how good of a year you had, you would never, ever, ever, ever treat yourself to a Mercedes GL class SUV. That would be putting on airs, because nobody needs a $70K vehicle. You sure as heck wouldn't show off to your neighbors about the awesome years (aka, bonus!) you had.

[Anonymous]

OP here: Hahaa...these comments make me laugh and really prove my point! Only a few of the postings were actually nice. Everyone else chose to say i either need therapy or that i'm the problem. My posting was simply that i'm not sure this is the right area for me and my question was more about whether people choose to stay somewhere they don't necessarily love for the sake of their job and children? I'm not DC bashing. I'm just saying it's not the best fit for my personality.
Thanks to those with helpful suggestions and encouraging comments.