Husband is constantly morose, always complaining about something
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Anonymous
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I am having a hard time dealing with a husband who is chronically depressed. It seems like he is always anxious or down about something: stress at work, worrying about upcoming doctors visits, complaining about how his parents were crappy parents and damaged him, complaining about how hard he has had things all his life, etc. He is just a constant state of seeing the glass half empty. This attitude has obviously not been good for our marriage. I basically feel stuck with someone who i can’t share much joy with. I don’t enjoy being with him as much as I enjoy the company of my friends. I am always feeling like I’m just helping him cope. He doesn’t like to socialize or go out of his comfort zone. I honestly am not sure we would still be married if it weren’t for the fact that we have a daughter and he is a very good father.
The latest argument we had is because he has a big milestone birthday coming up. He has been seeming particularly morose the last few days and tonight he told me it’s because he’s thinking about how old he is, how much of his life is over, and he’s fearful about old age and death. He is older than me but in good shape physically and I tried to tell him to see the positive and to start enjoying his life instead of always dwelling on negative things. I didn’t say these things in an especially comforting way. I think my irritation showed. So he said he felt pushed away, and now he feels like he can’t talk to me when things bother him and that will just make him want to withdraw from me. He has been in therapy for years, but I’m not sure it’s been especially effective. Maybe I’m expecting too much, but I just wish he could learn to feel some gratitude for the things he has. He says he knows he’s fortunate but he sure doesn’t act like it. I just don’t know how to help him, and am having a hard time coping with the negativity myself. Does anyone have experience with a depressed spouse who can offer any advice? |
Anonymous
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Honestly unless your husband seeks professional help, there is no way this situation will improve.
It is impossible. Encourage him to seek out mental health resources. He needs to be evaluated/screened for severe depression. Then hopefully he can get on some good medication which will change his negative views. Add in a weekly therapist & he may be able to put his misery behind him for good. But he needs to take the initiative + put in the work. Since many men do not seek help for depression, let him know that you will be close by to support him in getting better. If he chooses to not seek assistance, then you can deliver an ultimatum to him. Either seek help or you cannot continue living in a home of misery. Because as WE all know ->> Misery just loves company. ;( Sad, but true! |
Anonymous
He is in therapy and on meds. Things are better than when he was in the worst phase of his depression, which is when I gave him an ultimatum to get help or I would leave. Even though things are better, they're still not good. I have gotten so used to things being the way they are that I sometimes don't realize things aren't normal until I hang out with friends and realize the dynamic between other couples is totally different. I feel badly for him, and I do love him. I just don't enjoy being around him very much. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like he may need a new therapist and different meds. These are not working. |
Anonymous
Yep. And a physical if he hasn't had one in awhile. |
Anonymous
| If you are open to church, I’d start going. Being open to something greater than yourself has a very positive effect. He needs to work on gratitude. |
Anonymous
| I’m very sensitive and can feel the weight of my husband’s anxiety and depression. A few days away now and again help me immensely. It doesn’t fix things, but I feel more oriented and grounded when I return. Defining myself helps me be able to support him without being dragged into his pattern. |
Anonymous
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OP again. He has been on meds for many years. Sometimes they work for a while and then he goes back to baseline. They've changed his meds and dosages numerous times. I don't know that I've noticed anything "working" except for a short period of time (a few months).
The therapy was started a few years ago. He likes his therapist and won't switch. While I can't say I've noticed any change in his attitude since he started therapy he claims it has really helped. I just feel like they rehash a lot of the same narrative over and over and he tends to dwell on the issues with his parents (how bad they were) instead of figuring out ways to improve his outlook. I guess it's good for him to have someone else to complain to because beyond a certain point I just can't take it anymore. I agree that he needs to work on gratitude for the things he has, and I have pointed this out to him many times. Neither of us are religious, but I would like to help him work on gratitude. I suggested a "gratitude journal" which he kind of scoffed at as being cheesy. Maybe I should dig in my heels on this one. |
Anonymous
Thank you. I may try this and take my DD away for a short trip. |
Anonymous
Meds are only 50% of getting better. He has to change mindset and attitudes and do the emotional work in therapy, like CBT. If all he is doing in therapy is complaining, then he needs a new therapist who will hold him accountable for his own progress. EXERCISE 1: learn how to reframe negative thoughts (just google it, it's easy) |
Anonymous
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OP: do I work with your husband?
I work with a man who is such an EEYORE I couldn't stand to be around him. He took a shit on EVERYTHING. I asked for him to be moved because he was causing me so much stress and anxiety, I couldn't be in the office anymore. |
Ann10
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| I am sorry that your husband is struggling with depression for so long and has not made much progress over the years. Have you considered going to counseling for yourself so that you can talk to someone about how it effects your life? He has to come up with coping methods to deal with whatever is bothering him. Does he have any hobbies? Eating healthy, getting regular exercise and doing something creative can all help with depression. I hope you have some coping methods to deal with the situation. Your gratitude journal suggestion was a good one or drawing or painting. I like to walk and take pictures of nature outside. Keep looking for an answer. |
Anonymous
This was my DH 10 years ago. DIG IN YOUR HEELS. How is he a good father if he's like this??? My DH is currently non-functioning and about to go on permanent disability. His refusal to get help back then and actively participate in his own recovery, that is CHOOSING to be better, has caught up with him. He has deteriorated irreparably. Depression physically causes brain damage. He will only get worse with time, OP. Trust me on this and do some research about it. DIG IN YOUR HEELS. He changes or you're out. There is no other option. |
Anonymous
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BTW I would like to say to people who make suggestions about self-care like getting a facial or go shopping are all perfect solutions for dealing with this situation:
THAT IS VERY CONDESCENDING. Please double check your well-intended advice. |
Anonymous
| What does his psychiatrist say about this? Seriously medication-resistant depression is quite effectively treated with ECT; has anyone recommended it? |