Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m not sure if I’m not being clear, but I want a happier, stronger marriage that I will want to stay in. Solutions that anount to living as if I don’t have a husband don’t help much.

Anonymous wrote:He needs to treat his anxiety.

Anonymous wrote:OP: DH’s untreated anxiety is definitely part of the problem. But we also have basic difficulties getting along that I do not think will change with anxiety. For instance, I would attribute his reluctance to do equal share of chores to having being raised by a SAHM who outright told me that she waited on him and his father hand and foot in order to justify not working. I would say that I contribute by being impatient because I was the typical latchkey kid and grew up doing for myself. Having an adult who is so helpless sometimes really wears on my nerves.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to treat his anxiety.

Treating his anxiety means ridding himself from his shrew of a wife. Poor bastard, probably volunteered for the business trip.

Anonymous wrote:DH has been away for a week and I am a bit afraid because I have not missed him as much as I would have liked. He is a kind, hard working, family oriented man. He is devoted to me and our children and never gives me any reason to doubt his love and fidelity. He has a fun sense of humor, is affectionate, and prioritizes fun and relaxation. He is also a good friend, a good son, and a good sibling. He has good values. He listens to my advice and respects my intelligence, including being genuinely proud of my career.

At the same time, he can be very lazy. I work much longer hours than he does and yet have to either do a lot more at home or constantly fight with him to make him grudgingly take responsibility. This makes it very difficult for me to find any downtime. He is also argumentative and defensive, rarely admitting any fault without a huge fight (and if I refuse to have the fight, then he takes that as a concession that he was right). He suffers from anxiety, which makes him do things like set rigid timelines for us to leave home for mundane things like going to the park. He will then become upset and tense when his random “leave by 10” doesn’t happen because the kids delayed us or I had to respond to work emails. And then we have a screaming match.

In the past week, I have been on the hook for drop off and pick up and care of our small children, on top of my bad work hours. I have been scrambling and it has been very difficult, but I realize that doing it alone has actually been easier than having him here arguing with me at every step of the way or being otherwise unhelpful. I have been waking up in a very good mood, humming to myself and going about my business with machine efficiency. I had the sad thought that staying like this and just adding a part-time nanny would be kind of great. It is a thought I have had before, but the past week has given me a chance to see how it would play out and I fear that I am right.

I want to save our marriage because there’s a lot of good here. We have been to couples counseling before and after two months, she was still wasting our time with discussing and we did not see actual solutions. We don’t have the luxury of months and years spent chatting at leisure. One thing I am going to try is being extra kind and understanding and to mentally devote the next week to being accommodating of him in the hopes of starting a virtuous cycle. But that addresses his needs, not mine, and he is not good at reciprocity. There’s a lot to unpack here and I am not sure what to do. I would appreciate any advice because I feel my commitment to this marriage waning.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m not sure if I’m not being clear, but I want a happier, stronger marriage that I will want to stay in. Solutions that anount to living as if I don’t have a husband don’t help much.

The one thing I noticed - you seem to love your husband and everything about him. The one thing you don't love is anything to do with work involving the kids and household management.

So hire a freaking nanny and go on some dates with the man you're still in love with. I don't understand why this is hard.