Help save my marriage

[Anonymous]

I have anxiety and still do (more) than my share of housework and childcare.

It's a lazy DH thing, not a mental health issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you chose this man, you chose to have kids with him, you save this marriage yourself. No one else cares or gives a damn.

You sound very envious and unhappy. I’m sorry you’re still alone, but the answer isn’t spewing venom at married people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH has been away for a week and I am a bit afraid because I have not missed him as much as I would have liked. He is a kind, hard working, family oriented man. He is devoted to me and our children and never gives me any reason to doubt his love and fidelity. He has a fun sense of humor, is affectionate, and prioritizes fun and relaxation. He is also a good friend, a good son, and a good sibling. He has good values. He listens to my advice and respects my intelligence, including being genuinely proud of my career.

At the same time, he can be very lazy. I work much longer hours than he does and yet have to either do a lot more at home or constantly fight with him to make him grudgingly take responsibility. This makes it very difficult for me to find any downtime. He is also argumentative and defensive, rarely admitting any fault without a huge fight (and if I refuse to have the fight, then he takes that as a concession that he was right). He suffers from anxiety, which makes him do things like set rigid timelines for us to leave home for mundane things like going to the park. He will then become upset and tense when his random “leave by 10” doesn’t happen because the kids delayed us or I had to respond to work emails. And then we have a screaming match.

In the past week, I have been on the hook for drop off and pick up and care of our small children, on top of my bad work hours. I have been scrambling and it has been very difficult, but I realize that doing it alone has actually been easier than having him here arguing with me at every step of the way or being otherwise unhelpful. I have been waking up in a very good mood, humming to myself and going about my business with machine efficiency. I had the sad thought that staying like this and just adding a part-time nanny would be kind of great. It is a thought I have had before, but the past week has given me a chance to see how it would play out and I fear that I am right.

I want to save our marriage because there’s a lot of good here. We have been to couples counseling before and after two months, she was still wasting our time with discussing and we did not see actual solutions. We don’t have the luxury of months and years spent chatting at leisure. One thing I am going to try is being extra kind and understanding and to mentally devote the next week to being accommodating of him in the hopes of starting a virtuous cycle. But that addresses his needs, not mine, and he is not good at reciprocity. There’s a lot to unpack here and I am not sure what to do. I would appreciate any advice because I feel my commitment to this marriage waning.

See bolded above.

" ... argumentative and defensive, rarely admitting any fault ..." when you attack him.

You NEED the book recommended a few posters ago.

Some of you need your heads checked. Why are you posting as if you are present when OP and her husband argue? You’re more than a little unstable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m not sure if I’m not being clear, but I want a happier, stronger marriage that I will want to stay in. Solutions that anount to living as if I don’t have a husband don’t help much.

The one thing I noticed - you seem to love your husband and everything about him. The one thing you don't love is anything to do with work involving the kids and household management.

So hire a freaking nanny and go on some dates with the man you're still in love with. I don't understand why this is hard.

NP. I’m just so baffled by some of the responses as I go through this thread that I just have to say something before OP takes some of you jokers seriously.

I know there’s this mad fixation with chores on this board, but how can any semi-literate person have missed the host of things OP talks about that have nada to do with chores? Since when did hiring a nanny fix anxiety?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sympathetic and see a lot of my marriage in yours. Couples counseling worked for us because it was very practical - basic stuff like chore charts and calendaring weekly checkin discussions about household stuff. It was about solutions and worked from the premise that we wanted to stay together. We saw Mary Baker with Well Marriage in VA.

What do these sessions cost? I am assuming they don’t take insurance.

[Anonymous]

Roar wrote:Reward him with some amazing sensual activity when he does something "chore" related. Do it unannounced and spontaneous. He'll find other ways to definitely help.

If you're saying, "I already tried that," then get better at it. Or up the game. I will scrub all toilets with a toothbrush once DW offers a special part of her/activity to me.

Up your game or continue in your rut.

OP: No, I’m not going to create a dynamic whereby taking care of his responsibilities is a favor he does me for which he gets a reward. You can keep that solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to have to suck it up and do marriage counseling - you need recommendations though on ones that get tactical and not ones that rehash the week over and over again. Ugh.

Where do you and/or work so we can recommend some counselors. I also think thru the counseling you'll get to the anxiety stuff and that may be the conduit to treatment. Sometimes you literally have to lead the horse to water and sit thru couples counseling which is really individual and then the therapist can guide him to the individual treatment.

OP: We do not live in the DC area. Is there a specific kind of couple’s therapy you would recommend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to treat his anxiety.

Treating his anxiety means ridding himself from his shrew of a wife. Poor bastard, probably volunteered for the business trip.

OP: I guess this is your attempt at troll bait. Yawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, the nutjobs have overrun the thread. Why do people bother asking for advice here? Read the other threads and you’ll quickly get that this forum is overgrown with angry crazies.

OP: There definitely are disturbed people commenting here, but that is only to be expected online. I knew most responses would be useless to puzzling, but if even one comment is helpful, then I don’t mind.

[Anonymous]

"How to Improve your Marriage without Talking About It."

https://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-About/dp/0767923189

Changes YOUR mindset and might help you help him. You need to decide whether you want to be in your marriage or not. Sounds like you do. If you cannot accept what he has to offer, you will set yourself up for frustration. Accept what he does. You are not going to change him, he has to want to change. If you cannot tolerate or shore up with outsourcing, then you need to decide if you can live with what you have. For me, my kids were the deciding factor. I won't break up my marriage because of my kids. I work around my husband and set reasonable expectations for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to treat his anxiety.

Adhd inattentive. Does it run in his family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you would leave and hire a part time nanny then why not hire a part Time cleaner or nanny now? That would relieve some of Your stress

OP: We already have a weekly housekeeper and a helper who comes a couple hours in the evenings. Those did address some of the stress, but what little is left (for instance, the weekends and after the helper leaves) is still drama. Short of hiring a new husband, I don’t think help really addresses the core issues here.

Ugh same here. His messes aren’t around, the kids aren’t acting up, he never proactively do anything for thenhouse/yard/me/kids, he isn’t saying he’ll do something and then not. So much better. Such a struggle having an unreliable lazy spouse.

[Anonymous]

DH travels every other week. Things are much calmer. But DH does a ton with the kids, is a good dad and isn't lazy, though he is disorganized and messy. But what I see as really similar is the anxiety. DH can't handle a lot of stimulation, wants to rush out of the house NOW (even though I'm actually the one packing the snax, getting sunscreen or whatever that we need), can't focus on multistep tasks without getting tchetchy if I'm.trying to help, etc. It's sensory overload for him and then his barking orders makes my son (also ADHD) more hyper, etc. No great solution except that sometimes he is able to step away and calm himself, and realizes it's him.....

[Anonymous]

I can sense your struggle in your post and it sounds like your husband has a lot of wonderful characteristics. Marriage can be a wonderful thing and it will have it's ups and downs. There are many good articles and resources on this website (https://bit.ly/2JAxtQF). Maybe you can find good information to help you save your marriage. Have you considered researching marriage counseling methods and/or philosophies? Maybe if you are able to research marriage counseling methods, philosophies and/or treatment approaches then you would be able to contact counselors and ask about their approach/method of counseling. You would be able to select the counselor based on the approach that you feel will meet your need. There is hope for your marriage. Don't give up. Wishing you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH travels every other week. Things are much calmer. But DH does a ton with the kids, is a good dad and isn't lazy, though he is disorganized and messy. But what I see as really similar is the anxiety. DH can't handle a lot of stimulation, wants to rush out of the house NOW (even though I'm actually the one packing the snax, getting sunscreen or whatever that we need), can't focus on multistep tasks without getting tchetchy if I'm.trying to help, etc. It's sensory overload for him and then his barking orders makes my son (also ADHD) more hyper, etc. No great solution except that sometimes he is able to step away and calm himself, and realizes it's him.....

I now have to deal with this ADHD three ways: husband, DC1 and DC2.
I honestly don't know how I'm going to make it through this for years and years and years. It's hell.