Help save my marriage
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Anonymous
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DH has been away for a week and I am a bit afraid because I have not missed him as much as I would have liked. He is a kind, hard working, family oriented man. He is devoted to me and our children and never gives me any reason to doubt his love and fidelity. He has a fun sense of humor, is affectionate, and prioritizes fun and relaxation. He is also a good friend, a good son, and a good sibling. He has good values. He listens to my advice and respects my intelligence, including being genuinely proud of my career.
At the same time, he can be very lazy. I work much longer hours than he does and yet have to either do a lot more at home or constantly fight with him to make him grudgingly take responsibility. This makes it very difficult for me to find any downtime. He is also argumentative and defensive, rarely admitting any fault without a huge fight (and if I refuse to have the fight, then he takes that as a concession that he was right). He suffers from anxiety, which makes him do things like set rigid timelines for us to leave home for mundane things like going to the park. He will then become upset and tense when his random “leave by 10” doesn’t happen because the kids delayed us or I had to respond to work emails. And then we have a screaming match. In the past week, I have been on the hook for drop off and pick up and care of our small children, on top of my bad work hours. I have been scrambling and it has been very difficult, but I realize that doing it alone has actually been easier than having him here arguing with me at every step of the way or being otherwise unhelpful. I have been waking up in a very good mood, humming to myself and going about my business with machine efficiency. I had the sad thought that staying like this and just adding a part-time nanny would be kind of great. It is a thought I have had before, but the past week has given me a chance to see how it would play out and I fear that I am right. I want to save our marriage because there’s a lot of good here. We have been to couples counseling before and after two months, she was still wasting our time with discussing and we did not see actual solutions. We don’t have the luxury of months and years spent chatting at leisure. One thing I am going to try is being extra kind and understanding and to mentally devote the next week to being accommodating of him in the hopes of starting a virtuous cycle. But that addresses his needs, not mine, and he is not good at reciprocity. There’s a lot to unpack here and I am not sure what to do. I would appreciate any advice because I feel my commitment to this marriage waning. |
Anonymous
| He needs to treat his anxiety. |
Anonymous
| If you would leave and hire a part time nanny then why not hire a part Time cleaner or nanny now? That would relieve some of Your stress |
Anonymous
OP: We already have a weekly housekeeper and a helper who comes a couple hours in the evenings. Those did address some of the stress, but what little is left (for instance, the weekends and after the helper leaves) is still drama. Short of hiring a new husband, I don’t think help really addresses the core issues here. |
Anonymous
This. I have the same issue (the 2 weeks DH was out of town were HEAVEN), and I'm about to issue the ultimatum of treatment or I'm out. |
Anonymous
| I am sympathetic and see a lot of my marriage in yours. Couples counseling worked for us because it was very practical - basic stuff like chore charts and calendaring weekly checkin discussions about household stuff. It was about solutions and worked from the premise that we wanted to stay together. We saw Mary Baker with Well Marriage in VA. |
Anonymous
OP: I have asked him to get help for his anxiety. He refuses to get professional help and either gets offended at the suggestion, or buys these self-help books and apps that he then forgets to use. |
Anonymous
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A lot of this is the anxiety. When people feel out of control of their internal state, they grasp at controlling what they can in their environnment.
Also though I would say that many people enjoy their spouse being away! That, in and of itself, doesn't mean much. |
Anonymous
OP: Is there a certain kind of credential or style of therapy that focuses on solutions like these? Because I think this is what we need and a lot of therapists seem to think that asking couples to rehash fights is the way to go. We found that useless and that approach even worsened things because we would leave mad all over again. |
Anonymous
| OP: DH’s untreated anxiety is definitely part of the problem. But we also have basic difficulties getting along that I do not think will change with anxiety. For instance, I would attribute his reluctance to do equal share of chores to having being raised by a SAHM who outright told me that she waited on him and his father hand and foot in order to justify not working. I would say that I contribute by being impatient because I was the typical latchkey kid and grew up doing for myself. Having an adult who is so helpless sometimes really wears on my nerves. |
Anonymous
| You want downtime hire a part-time nanny to do pick-ups and drop offs. There - problem solved. |
Anonymous
| You said it was easier to do it all yourself than to rely on him. So do it all yourself. Just pretend he is on a business trip all the time. You’ll fight less because you aren’t asking him to do anything. |
Anonymous
This would only work if she also stopped doing anything for him-no laundry, no cooking, no washing his dishes or putting them away, etc. etc., you know, as if he wasn’t there. See how well that will go over. I get it, OP. We both work full time but somehow, it’s my job to manage all house and kid related things. It’s exhausting. |
Anonymous
| OP: I’m not sure if I’m not being clear, but I want a happier, stronger marriage that I will want to stay in. Solutions that anount to living as if I don’t have a husband don’t help much. |
Anonymous
| Op, you chose this man, you chose to have kids with him, you save this marriage yourself. No one else cares or gives a damn. |