I don't know whether to put up or shut up
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Anonymous
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Here's the situation - I have two young kids, one is SN, and life is tough. I work so many hours and have a flexible job, which I really enjoy, but I am constantly under an incredible amount of stress with balancing my work life and home life. If I didn't have to worry about the kids and all of my parenting responsibilities, work would be great, but the two combined just give me a lot of stress.
My husband is really awful and emotionally abusive. Every week I am really and truly ready for a divorce, but then I back down because I am already so stressed/overwhelmed right now and I'm not foolish enough to think that single parenting is going to be any better. If it were not for the kids I would bail in a heartbeat. And not even because I would feel guilty about them living in a broken home (I would, but the situation is so bad, that in and of itself would not keep me here). More just that my overall quality of life would not improve, I don't think. Yes, my husband is a lazy POS, but any help he gives is better than the zero help I would get if I was running the show completely alone. Add to it that I'd have to outsource less because there would be less money, my kids would be uprooted from our home and community because of finances, etc and I just can't justify leaving. What do people do in this kind of situation? I am in my early 30s. I earn what I would consider to be a very high income for a female my age, but I also have a lot of very high expenses relating to outsourcing stuff and dealing with childcare, plus the SN child. Do I just suck it up forever? Until both kids are in school? Or will it be even harder to leave then because I will be older? I used to be primarily worried about meeting someone again and if I'd be single forever but I guess I don't really care anymore. I do hope I would be able to meet someone again but the finances and dealing with my day to day life are a much bigger concern. |
Anonymous
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OP, I am so sorry.
I do not have a high income. I was a SAHM and went back making $25k less ($50k). But I left, because it became clear to me over the years my husband wasn't going to let me exist. I couldn't have an opinion, a preference, a want, or heaven forbid, a need. If I said anything, he would make sure to do the opposite. Leaving was awful and is still awful, but I'm alive. I don't think his plan is for me to end up alive at the end of this. Or at least, I think the choices are I either fail horribly and he look amazing or I'm dead. I'm still alive. No matter how bad it gets, I remind myself that he hasn't won yet. If you have enough power in the relationship to minimize his role in your life, then do it. Don't give a shit about what he wants. Tell him to pay for his own shit. Don't do anything (not a single thing) for him. Don't care about him. Just forget he's there. If you don't, then leave. Leave for your sanity, because it will help your children later. Or leave because you don't want to model for your children that his behavior is okay. That's why I left. So my daughter may one day see me with someone who is not an abusive jerk. So she doesn't end up with them. I left when my daughter was 4. I do wish I had waited until she was 18, because he wound up being able to use custody of her to abuse me further. That's another angle to consider. |
Anonymous
But it really can be. I have 2 kids, 1 SN and 1 NT. I work crazy odd hours but have a flexible job with a decent income. We make it work. Overall, the house is much more peaceful without my ex. There is less emotional roller coaster for me which means I am there more for my kids. My kids have learned to help out in the house. We are a team and we make it work. My expectations are different now because I don't expect any help. I don't get any help so my expectations are being met which means no disappointment. You don't have to justify leaving to anyone but yourself and your kids. If you're in an emotionally abusive relationship, it's time to leave. It's scary and it will be hard. But there really can be peace on the otherside. |
Anonymous
| 22:29 - can you tell me how you make it work with childcare on your own? That is my biggest fear. I also work atypical hours and that drives the cost of childcare up. I don't see how I can do this alone. Also, did you have to move? How did that work out? |
Anonymous
| The advice from 22:29 is right on. You cannot know what your life will be like until you decide to take the leap, but believe me when I say that life can (and probably will be) many, many times better than it is now. Good luck, OP. Your kids will be fine. Mine are well-rounded, hard-working men who are very respectful of women, totally unlike their dad. I left him when my youngest was 5. That was 17 years ago. |
Anonymous
This. So much this. I also thought a husband who provided unreliable or unpredictable help was better than none. But, I was so wrong. Single parenting is much easier. And emotional abuse cannot be tolerated. If you stay in a house with an emotional abuser, you are tesching your kids to accept that. I know because I gre up like that and it has taken me 50 years to understand the way that early childhood environment shadowed my adult life and caused me to get into relationships with men who were emotional abusers. I refused to raise my children in that environment. |
Anonymous
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Peace of mind away from emotional abuse is invaluable. You may be so mired in the fog that you don't realize how much of a toll this is taking on you.
Consider a separation and see how it works for you to be away from the toxicity for a while. I think you'll be surprised. |
Anonymous
I am 22:20, but I forgot to mention my DD is also SN and she's 5.5 years old. About to start K in the fall. I also work atypical hours. My days off are during the week and I work weekends. Ack, I have so much to say about this, but have to run to work. I will reply later. Just know that it's doable. All options suck. You just pick the right one for you. |
Anonymous
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I divorced in my late 30s with two young kids, one of whom is SN. I agonized for years whether to divorce.
I wish I'd done it sooner. I find life EASIER after divorce. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's easier. Your marriage is no example for your kids to see as a relationship -- emotional abuse (which they will perceive, whether they witness it directly), not helping. I understand that you don't want your kids in a "broken home"--but guess what, they're in one now. You've described a dysfunctional dynamic. I felt trapped and used the same excuse as you--that some help is better than none. I'm an only child and my parents passed away--no family help at all. DH was my only support. With therapy I realized that this fear holding me in place was no reason to stay. In so many ways it was easier and less work just knowing that I am responsible on my own, not even thinking of relying on my ex. He does have some parenting time, he didn't disappear. It was a huge relief to end the marriage and experience the freedom of not being in an emotionally messed up marriage. I had a great time dating in my little spare time and getting my needs met, dated some very good guys. I wasn't looking for it but within a few years I met someone amazing and we're married now. We took it slow for several years. Yes, it is possible with a SN child. It's never been an issue between us. Everybody brings tough stuff, easy and hard, to the table. |
Anonymous
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I'm usually all for going through extraordinary measures to try to save a marriage, but your husband sounds truly awful and by staying married to him, you are modeling what a relationship should look like. I don't hear you mentioning that as a reason to leave, but kids are watching and absorbing all the time. If you have sons, you are showing them that it is okay to act like your husband and if you have daughters that it is okay to marry someone like that and be treated the way you are. Is that what you want for your kids as adults?
If your kids aren't even in school yet (or even if they are still young elementary aged), then the "uprooting" them concern just doesn't sound like it should be something to keep you there. Only you can make this decision, but the fear of being alone and it being 'hard' shouldn't be the primary deciding factor, I don't think. |
Anonymous
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I keep coming back to this. I could have written your post years ago. I should have left the marriage year 1. I was afraid of the future, finances, being a single parent. Then I left. Let me tell you, I didn’t realize how much the verbal and emotional abuse was affecting every single moment of my day to day life. Coming home and only thinking about caring for my kids, not walking on eggshells to I wouldn’t incite my x was liberating. No more arguements over every little thing.
If you’re considering leaving, make a plan. Take it one day at a time. If you have to suffer financially, I’m sorry but in my experience it was worth it. You will free up so much mental energy, you’ll be surprised how much much you can handle. And see a good lawyer who can give you an idea of what your options are. Worst mistake I made was not hiring a great lawyer from the start. |
Bella_lee
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| This is a difficult situation to be in and my heart goes out to you. I am always rooting for marriages to be restored and healed and for people to be changed. There was a time in my marriage, I also thought of divorce but with God's help this didn't happen and we are now married 22 years. So my suggestion will be is there anyway to get professional marriage counselling for yourself and your husband before you make this decision. I also just want to encourage you that you are certainly worthy of true love that builds up and doesn't tear down. Wish all you all the best. |
Anonymous
| I rationalized staying for far too long. I agree with PPs that it is in hindsight only that I realize just how bad the emotional abuse was. I was so gaslighted, so torn down I had no idea. To the outside I presented as strong, I was successful in my career, outgoing and dynamic personality. I was miserable in my marriage, though. I look back and see how miserable--now that I am free and so much happier. |