Do cliques form in Elementary school
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Anonymous
This is what I see happen over and over |
Anonymous
| I have noticed that parents attempt social engineering, and it is odd. That's all. |
Anonymous
| Definitely happens for boys. My older DS's classmates (most are 2nd or 3rd child in family) started doing this at end of K and it was well established by some kids i 1st. My younger DS's class is made more of first borns, and we have not seen it quite as badly as my older son's classmates. |
Anonymous
| Unfortunately, elementary school age children can be mean to each other. Although your DD is shy and not aggressive in making friends, she will probably make some friends. But prepare her that children can mean and that she needs to speak up for herself. Go over bullying and encourage her to share any concerns with you. |
Anonymous
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Parents definitely socially engineer for their kids. I have seen this over and over again as well.
Certain parents will only invite their friends' kids or the "right" kids to parties--even in 3rd and 4th grade. It doesn't even matter who their kids play with at school. They only invite certain kids to parties, play dates, etc. |
Anonymous
| Op my DD started Es in 3rd grade in this area and while she had a bumpy first few weeks she made a lot of different friends who were not the mean girls. |
Anonymous
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Teacher here--one of the challenges for girls is that girls often reaffirm who is "in" their bonded group by delineating someone who is "out". These are the cliques of lore and reality, with shifting boundaries and hurtful, cruel exclusion that can strike at times in what seems a totally capricious way.
However, cliques are a part of growing up or we wouldn't be talking about them. A healthful clique is a social circle, hopefully based on genuine interests and affinities without malicious hurtful exclusion. They also are part of children moving towards independence from parents in a safe way (within a group) where they can try new things with the protection of their friends' encouragement. Your child will hopefully find this comfortable and supportive circle of friends, which is not to say that you should not encourage activity friends, neighborhood friends, and diversification and cross sections of friends when possible. The number one thing I have seen that parents can do to combat cliques that veer into negative exclusivity is to take off the blinders that their kids are not 'mean girls' or they themselves are not 'mean'. The kids go where the parent lead. Do YOU go up and talk to someone new at parent gatherings? Do you notice who your child has had over and occasionally encourage a new friend for a playdate? Do you note which children may be geographically limited in their social opportunities and make a special effort to include them--perhaps offering a sleepover after a late event? Or do YOU take the easy route? In elementary school negative cliques that engender hurt feelings have a lot more to do with ignorance and staying in a comfort zone than being 'mean', and since children at this age are pretty much totally dependent on parents for outside of school social opportunities it has an awful lot to do with parents. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrew-smiler/the-benefits-of-cliques_b_5709503.html |
Anonymous
| ^^ Great points! |
Anonymous
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pbraverman
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This is a fabulously complex topic, but we can agree on a few things. Excluding people in a mean-spirited way is bad. Welcoming them in kindness is good. And all of it is NORMAL in children. (That doesn't mean it's acceptable. It means it's expectable.) OP: It sounds like this may be a concern for you rather than just a point of information. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask teachers and administrators how they confront these issues at their schools. Nobody can eradicate it because it's tied to children's developmental stages; I'd be very wary of anybody who says, "That really doesn't happen at our school." That said, dealing with it thoughtfully can arm children with strong tools for when they grow up and confront some of the same issues throughout their lives. The worst bullying class I ever had in sixth grade turned out to be the closest group of kids I dealt with by they time they reached eighth grade. The reason? The kids decided to do something about it THEMSELVES, and asked the teachers to support them. It turned the entire experience around. Another true story: A mom once called me to complain about exclusion among fifth-grade girls. Her older kids were at another school, and she told me with absolute certainty that they didn't face these issues at that other school. When we hung up, I called the middle school head of the other school to congratulate her on achieving a 100% meanness-free school. She joined me in a good laugh about it. (Then we hung up and went back to weeping separately.) 
The teacher's post above is great; read it fully if you haven't. Peter _____________________ Disclaimer: The anonymity here makes me uncomfortable; it's easy to be uninformed, personal, or simply mean-spirited if people don't identify themselves. For that reason, I have an account so you know whose words you're reading. I have more than 20 years' experience as a teacher and administrator in independent schools, and I have counseled hundreds of students in finding their next schools. I hope I can be helpful to some folks. If you don't like something I've said, you're in good company — there's a long line of past students and parents ahead of you. If you want to chat further, please feel free to contact me offline: peter <at> arcpd <dot> com
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pbraverman
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THIS. If I could give only one piece of advice (that nobody asked for) around this topic, it would be: Focus on helping your children develop maturity, NOT "happiness." Maturity means doing things that don't necessarily make people happy. But it makes better people. The book that really influenced my thinking on this topic is Richard Weissbourd's The Parents We Mean to Be. Highly recommended. Peter |
Anonymous
| Yes because of parents forcing them |
Anonymous
| Some parents still push the cliques as kids get older and it's embarrassing. The worst offenders have at least one parent from DC. |
Anonymous
You are so wrong. I have a son and have seen first hand very mean boy behavior that includes socially isolating certain boys and telling other boys to not invite boys or include them. This is at a big three school. |
Anonymous
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It starts in preschool. Most cliques are really initiated my moms.
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