Need help planning my future
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Anonymous
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Grateful if you could chime in with wisdom and advice.
So, I am a little over 40, with 1 elementary school child and a 7 year gap in employment (reasons related to bureaucracy, but I have never done anything illegal) and married. We live in a high COL area in a 1 bedroom with mediocre but not bad schools. Soon I will be eligible for seeking employment. However, our marriage has not been a bed of roses, and we are calmly talking some form of divorce or separation. We have tried quite a few ways to save the marriage but none worked. The question for me is what do I do and in what order. My husband is a sort of guy who will avoid taking active steps in separation, but instead will expect me to do the work: find a job, move out with our child, take some child support from him (his idea of the amount is extremely low fwiw), and he would have the kid on weekends. He doesn't care about the legalities, they are up to me, he just wants to spend a reasonable amount of time with the child. He won't object to our moving pretty much anywhere. However, all this is provided that I don't spite him on financial aspects. If I go for the official amount of alimony and child support it will be very hard on him and he will spite me as much as he can. I am trying to think what to do. I don't like the area or the neighborhood very much, so it makes sense to move first and then look for employment. But then, I don't think I will be in high demand first, nor will I get a well paid job, so maybe it makes sense to stay put, look for a job, and after a year or so move, once I have better employment prospects? Next: do I move first and then file for divorce or separation? It will give me more mobility with child while I am still married, will give me de facto legal custody as I won't have to ask my spouse for every decision, and hopefully give me more official custody later on. But I would have to live on very little support from H before I file officially as there is no legal way to get more before I file. Next: should I go for the full amount of what I am entitled to in terms of child support and alimony, and then be softer on enforcing if he has trouble paying (I would have leverage of sorts over him), and risk ruining our communication, and possibly him immigrating to another country to avoid payments or reduce them? He responds very poorly to pressure, he can do crazy things if he perceives himself slighted. Or should I just try to haggle (maybe go to a lawyer together and let them break it to him just how much I am entitled to) and settle for whatever he will reasonably offer and not have any scuffles with him? And finally, maybe it makes sense for me to move to a low COL area with whatever I am able to get out of him amicably (which won't be more than $2500 per month plus an occasional extra here and there), settle there first and then look for work? Which there probably won't be much of.... I am just at a loss of how to proceed and in what order. Thank you! |
Anonymous
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I think these are all questions for a lawyer or some sort of legal aid. You'll need to protect yours and your child's interests.
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Anonymous
| Are you both immigrants? The fear of him going to another country is odd, unless you're not from here. |
Anonymous
He is from another country. |
Anonymous
I am not sure a lawyer can tell me whether I should move or find a job first. Was hoping for some BTDT folks' advice. |
Anonymous
Do you have any money? If not you need a job first. Work for a while, build up some money, then figure out where you want to move to. |
Anonymous
| You do need an attorney because there are complicated situations that affect the sequence. If you live in a state where you can file anytime, that is quite different from a state that requires you to live separately for a year (or two). Also you need a custodial plan, in case your spouse does take child. Also you need advice if you would get spousal support because of your employment gap. If I were you, I'd seek legal advice. |
Norcalinva
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| You need to ask a lawyer these questions, they may have serious implications if things go badly. Also, I assuming there is not a lot of income coming into the household, $2500 may be wishful thinking even if you aren't amicable. At 40 you will be expected to get a job and support yourself, temporary support if given will be based off his income not what you need. The Fairfax formula is commonly used. You need to speak with a lawyer but remember in a fight every dollar the lawyer gets is a dollar not available to you, your ex and more importantly your son. |
Anonymous
Very little. I can retain a lawyer and pay an apartment deposit, but not much more. Thanks for the advice. I feel very lost and don't have many people to talk to. |
Anonymous
I went in for a free consult. I can file anytime in my state. Yes I am entitled to spousal support and it's even heftier than child support. He would have to pay my attorney fees and my education/retraining if need be. The problem is, he is not rich. He has a lower 6 figure income. If I piss him off with all the demands, he might just go berserk. Not necessarily move abroad, but might start custody battles and such. On the other hand, a friend of mine says that he is only brave when there is a weakling in front of him. Honestly, I am pretty intimidated by him right now due to years of financial and emotional abuse. So it's hard to think clearly. |
Anonymous
| OP: You sound exactly like me. Stay strong. I admire your strength to get out of this relationship. Is he abusive? |
Anonymous
The monthly income after taxes (not mentioning occasional bonuses) is about $7000. I have a pretty strong case for spousal support as it is due to his career circumstances that I couldn't be employed. I went for a free consult and the lawyer told me I would be owed about $3500-4000 a month for several years. The problem is, it will leave my spouse with so little disposable income that he will be cornered. And I generally avoid cornering people (too dangerous!) He wants to pay me $1000, medical and car insurance, and medical insurance for child, which to me is laughable. He hopes to keep things out of courts as much as possible. In terms of custody, we would most probably get 50/50, according to lawyer. I don't mind, he probably won't want to have the child for this much time anyway. I would love to have all legal custody to myself, though. He is unpredictable and doesn't know much about what's best for kid, so I would prefer not to consult him on schools, for example. |
Anonymous
Hi PP! What's your situation if you don't mind sharing? I haven't yet gotten out but thank you. He wants out, too. He is financially and emotionally abusive, but not physically. He tried once, but I said I would call the cops and he backed down. |
Anonymous
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If I were in your place I'd get a loan, move then file for all that you're legally entitled to. The fact that you already fear he'll 'go berserk' at this early stage while it's still 'amicable', says a lot about what a nasty ass he really is.
I was in such a situation annd he did leave the country with the kids and tortured me for many years. My main regret was letting lack of money cloud my judgment. You'll land on your feet in time. But for now, borrow what you need and take care of your child and yourself without being bullied and intimidated. |
Anonymous
I am sorry it happened to you 
I hope my H doesn't kidnap the child. But it's a good idea to move out/away before filing. |