Child custody advice, any divorce attorneys here? I don't know what to do

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[Post New]04/21/2017 14:18
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Anonymous
So, my husband just really isn't a safe parent. I fear for our 2 year old when in his care. I never go out anymore because I don't want to leave him in charge. Maybe you guys can give me some perspective. Maybe I'm overreacting. I do want out of the marriage because he treats me like crap. But, I'm afraid if I leave, and he gets 50/50 custody, I'll fear for my son whenever he has him. He just doesn't supervise at all. I've tried talking to him, it doesn't work.

Please give me some advice.

Some things that have happened recently:

Came home to find husband tinkering with truck and 2 year old running around spraying Wasp killer spray.
Came home and husband is in the house getting a drink, 2 year old is outside with a hatchet, throwing sticks in a fire in our firebowl
He let him ride on the back of a 4-wheeler with no helmet
Came home and there was no power in our lower level because 2 year old found a rusty nail outside and stuck I in a socket, and it shorted out the electricity, thank god he wasn't hurt
dropped him on his head, causing a fractured eye socket, skull and concussion. He likes to carry 2 year old on his shoulders, and I've repeatedly told him to make sure he holds on to him tight, because I'm afraid he's going to fall off and crush his head. He told me to stop being stupid. 2 weeks after the last time I nagged him on this, this exact thing happened.
After above incident, I stressed to him that the doctors told him any further bumps to the head in the next few weeks could be very damaging and to be very careful with him. I came home multiple times to find him riding his tricycle, being pulled in a wagon, etc. without his helmet. I just don't understand what my husband's problem is?!

Friends tell me to document things, but would that really do anything? I could just keep a journal and write whatever the F I want in there, so basically it will still be my word against him. I don't want to keep my son from his dad, this isn't about that. I want to co-parent, I just want him to keep our son safe.

Please, what should I do? Any advice? What can I do when he just won't listen to me?

[Post New]04/21/2017 14:34
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Anonymous
Yes, document and if you decide to divorce, demand a custody evaluator, where you can lay all of this out. How dumb is your husband - I can't tell you how many hearings I've been to recently where the deciding factor in a protection order was that the abusive party "admitted" stuff on text message. Would he admit to any of this by email or text? Any way you can get him to do that and it would speak volumes. Ex: "since you've already fractured our son's eye socket bc you dropped him after I told you not to, can you please make him wear a helmet?" If he doesn't deny it, it would really help you.
[Post New]04/21/2017 14:50
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Anonymous
I feel for you. I had similar concerns about my exH.

I white-knuckled it in a sh*tty marriage for 8 years. I documented the hell out of the various incidents/insanity, but (obviously) no one could guarantee that he wouldn't have the kids for a substantial proportion of time. I waited until they seemed resilient, mature, and self-sufficient enough to hold their own. I filed when they were 11; divorce was finalized when they were 12 and a half. (Insult to injury, bc I was the plaintiff, I had to take a mandatory parenting class. He did not.)

Ultimately, I have them the vast majority of time; he has them every other weekend.

I'm not saying this was the best / right approach. Just sharing my experience.
[Post New]04/21/2017 15:12
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singledadmclean
Member Offline
About the nail in the electrical socket, if I were your husband's attorney I'd ask you why haven't you, Ms. Plaintiff, baby-proofed your own home? Seems like you are at least as negligent as Mr. Defendant.
[Post New]04/21/2017 15:14
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I feel for you. I had similar concerns about my exH.

I white-knuckled it in a sh*tty marriage for 8 years. I documented the hell out of the various incidents/insanity, but (obviously) no one could guarantee that he wouldn't have the kids for a substantial proportion of time. I waited until they seemed resilient, mature, and self-sufficient enough to hold their own. I filed when they were 11; divorce was finalized when they were 12 and a half. (Insult to injury, bc I was the plaintiff, I had to take a mandatory parenting class. He did not.)

Ultimately, I have them the vast majority of time; he has them every other weekend.

I'm not saying this was the best / right approach. Just sharing my experience.


Thank you, I've been leaning toward that approach - waiting until he is older and more self sufficient. Why did they make you take a parenting class?? Was all your documentation used in the divorce?
[Post New]04/21/2017 15:15
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Anonymous
singledadmclean wrote:About the nail in the electrical socket, if I were your husband's attorney I'd ask you why haven't you, Ms. Plaintiff, baby-proofed your own home? Seems like you are at least as negligent as Mr. Defendant.


The home is babyproofed, it was an outside outlet that my husband had taken the little white thing out of to plug in a shop vac, and didn't put back in. I when the whole 9 yards baby proofing our house.
[Post New]04/21/2017 15:16
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Yes, document and if you decide to divorce, demand a custody evaluator, where you can lay all of this out. How dumb is your husband - I can't tell you how many hearings I've been to recently where the deciding factor in a protection order was that the abusive party "admitted" stuff on text message. Would he admit to any of this by email or text? Any way you can get him to do that and it would speak volumes. Ex: "since you've already fractured our son's eye socket bc you dropped him after I told you not to, can you please make him wear a helmet?" If he doesn't deny it, it would really help you.


I have done this a few times actually, he has either just ignored, or called my on the phone to discuss it. I will keep trying though.
[Post New]04/21/2017 15:35
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Anonymous
Babyproof everything, for starters.

Document everything, and if it is even remotely something that you might need medical care for, take your kid to the doctor so that there is documentation beyond your own personal account.
[Post New]04/21/2017 15:38
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Anonymous
Keep the journal OP. List the date and the facts.
[Post New]04/21/2017 15:54
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Keep the journal OP. List the date and the facts.


And take pictures.
[Post New]04/21/2017 16:27
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Anonymous
I would stay at least until that child is older and don't leave him alone with him. It will be worse if you divorce. You will have no control and the court won't do anything basically. He'll get 50/50 and that will be a new nightmare.
[Post New]04/21/2017 16:33
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Anonymous
I would start documenting myself in a journal but also communicate with your DH via email or text more frequently. That way you can have a record of him admitting to the behavior. And leave them alone as little as possible.

I'm sorry OP. This sounds terrible
[Post New]04/21/2017 17:15
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Anonymous
Parenting classes or marriage counseling to see if he'll respond better to an authority? The wasp killer, the rusty nail, and the axe could be avoided if you just take all the hazardous stuff and hide it from everyone. The dropping him on his head to the point of injuring his skull and doing it again is the scary part. Unfortunately divorce will not solve your problem because you won't be around to protect him when he has custody unless you can somehow prove he's neglectful. Could you hire a babysitter to watch him instead of leaving him with your husband? You have to understand that men think differently than women. Men are all about not overprotecting to see what their kids are made of, and if they injure themselves, so be it. This sounds more that your husband is reckless, not taking normal precautions and that he doesn't care what happens to your child or how it disturbs you. Kids are extremely accident prone until age 6 and boys are risk takers so I'd try to stick it out until the kid can learn himself to wear a helmet. Did your husband even have to show his face to the doctors when he injured his head or is he getting away with taking any responsibility for his actions? Does he have any remorse about it?
[Post New]04/21/2017 18:43
quote
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I feel for you. I had similar concerns about my exH.

I white-knuckled it in a sh*tty marriage for 8 years. I documented the hell out of the various incidents/insanity, but (obviously) no one could guarantee that he wouldn't have the kids for a substantial proportion of time. I waited until they seemed resilient, mature, and self-sufficient enough to hold their own. I filed when they were 11; divorce was finalized when they were 12 and a half. (Insult to injury, bc I was the plaintiff, I had to take a mandatory parenting class. He did not.)

Ultimately, I have them the vast majority of time; he has them every other weekend.

I'm not saying this was the best / right approach. Just sharing my experience.


Thank you, I've been leaning toward that approach - waiting until he is older and more self sufficient. Why did they make you take a parenting class?? Was all your documentation used in the divorce?


The parenting class is required for plaintiffs in divorce cases in Alexandria - where I live and was divorced.

Documentation - yes, but not all of it.

I'm a lawyer (not a family law / divorce lawyer) so I pulled together enough representative examples over the relevant time frame to show a clear pattern / practice of incompetence on his part, and reasonable and repeated attempts on my part to discuss, enlist professional help, etc., to modify his unreasonable behavior. I gave that documentation to my divorce lawyer.

If you decide to take the wait-til-maturity approach, you really need to commit to documenting. More is better than less. Even when you're tired and angry and wondering WTF is the point.

Do you have a support system? I really hope you do. I did, and it was (and is) invaluable.

Talk to people you trust. There's shame involved here (I know this very well). Don't let the shame factor isolate you.


[Post New]04/21/2017 19:00
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Anonymous
child neglect pure and simple.

If you don't get out your kid could die. Is that what you want ?
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