DH doesn't believe in Grand Gestures

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[Post New]04/15/2017 09:19
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:It's nit always about you but sounds like that's how you want it to be. If you want him to be more sensitive to your needs you need to take the time to understand and be as sensitive to his needs (whatever they may be). Haven't heard any of that from you (OP) or others here.


I agree with this (and I'm a woman). I hear a lot of me, me, me. And I don't want to hear "but I do x, y, and z chores" either because you want him to speak your love language but I'm pretty confident doing chores for him isn't his love language. So do you "get" him and also do what he needs/wants? Do you KNOW what he needs/wants?
[Post New]04/15/2017 11:11
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Lonely_Sojourner
Member Offline
OP -

I think there may be a deeper problem, at least IMO. I never needed to be reminded and never forgot an event. While I'm currently widowed (three years) and learning how to date again at 50 y/o, I was happily married for 16+ years and doted on my wife every opportunity that arose as I thoroughly enjoyed showing her that I sincerely appreciated everything she did for me (and it was a lot!!). I would decorate her office for her birthdays, always made plans for our anniversary (not over the top, but always something) and would even reach out to her son a few days in advance to remind him of Mother's Day or his Mom's b'day. IMO, "Relationships are like plants, they need constant nurturing if they are to thrive..."
[Post New]04/15/2017 11:20
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Fine. But the little gestures are once in a blue moon. I hate it, it makes me feel not picky and naggy to bring it up, but literally I feel like I am never at the front of his mind. Work first, himself second. DC a distant third and me somewhere after. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, random Fridays...are all ignored by him. He is more than happy to celebrate them, is not doing it out of meaness or manipulation. Just doesn't occur to him. I feel like he was better about it the first two years we were dating, and then we were both so wrapped up in our careers I could forgive and make excuses. The thing is, he uses work as the excuse, and it isn't that I don't believe work is stressful, but so is my line of work. My day is busy to. If I talk to him about it, he is defensive, and then clearly embarrassed with himself/hard on himself though not particularly apologetic and nothing changes moving forward. How can approach this? We've tried me just telling him, "here's what gift I would like for x occasion" but the reality is, after a few rounds of that, it is more the idea that he spent more
Than two min thinking about me, and what I might need/want/like. This is not the result of gift giving gone wrong, (other than none) and it really isn't about the gift. This could also be, "honey I filled up the gas tank for you" or "I scheduled the babysitter, because I want to take you out" (he says he wants to go out regularly but doesn't plan any aspect of making that happen, meaning it falls on me completely to do it.) Looking for constructive advice.


Get that 5 love languages book. Have him read it. Explain that gifts are your love language. Hopefully that will make it clear to him.


It sounds like her love language is "acts of service."
[Post New]04/15/2017 11:26
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Anonymous
Read this

http://www.aragues.com/nyt_training_husband.html
[Post New]04/15/2017 11:40
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Anonymous
Don't use the term "grand gesture." It makes you sound like you watch too much TV. They only happen on TV, btw.
[Post New]04/15/2017 11:45
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Read this

http://www.aragues.com/nyt_training_husband.html


P.S. This is the Kazdin Method (if you have kids). Positive reinforcement to shape behavior.
[Post New]04/15/2017 12:22
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Anonymous
No advice, just want to commiserate. All that stuff went out the window once we were married, too. Now DH wonders why we have such a boring, vanilla sex life.
[Post New]04/15/2017 12:48
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:This is part of why I'm divorced now.


gross.
[Post New]04/15/2017 12:49
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:No advice, just want to commiserate. All that stuff went out the window once we were married, too. Now DH wonders why we have such a boring, vanilla sex life.


he's fine with it because the sex life with his AP is anything but vanilla.
[Post New]04/15/2017 13:45
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No advice, just want to commiserate. All that stuff went out the window once we were married, too. Now DH wonders why we have such a boring, vanilla sex life.


he's fine with it because the sex life with his AP is anything but vanilla.


Ha. I think I would throw him a party if he actually had an AP.
[Post New]04/15/2017 14:08
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Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Married almost 20 years here, happily married. I'm just going to make some sweeping generalizations, so get ready. In general:

Men don't think that way. Stop expecting your DH to read your mind and know what you want, and imagine what it's like to be you and dealing with all the stuff that you have to deal with. If he could do that, he'd be your girlfriend, not your DH.

Tell him what you want. NOT "I want to you fill up the gas tank for me every now and then." But "Honey, can you fill up the gas tank?"
NOT "You didn't get me anything for Mother's Day." but "Honey, Sunday May 12 is Mother's Day, and since the kids are too little, I need you to make me pancakes. And a cute card from the kids" or "I'd like a silver necklace from X store."

Ok sure, not as romantic. But realistic. And the road you are starting to go down in your OP is not going to lead anywhere but to disappointment.

And then when you ask him to do something specific, he does it, be happy!


NP here. Married 13 years. It would be a slow death for me if I had to spell out for my husband on a weekly basis how I need him to be thoughtful. What's the point of that?

A few years into our marriage, I succeeded in "making" my husband more thoughtful. I was able to genuinely and thoroughly communicate my expectations over the course of several conversations, both in and out of marital counseling. He was able to see how sincerely important it was to me, and he made being thoughtful important to himself. Similarly, I've been receptive to other things that are important to him. Something must have stuck because he kept it up all through the baby and little kid years and still hasn't regressed.

OP, he can change. He just has to be the kind of partner who is interested in supporting his spouse's needs. It will always help if he feels his needs are being met, too.


This is exactly it. My DH wasn't doing any of the "love gestures" that I really wanted from him, so we sat down and talked multiple times (at home and in marriage counseling) and I explained very carefully to him how it made me feel when he didn't do these small gestures. He's much better now, but we've only been married 5 years and are a work in progress! One thing that helps is to point out in the moment what you would like changed. He's changing his oil? It would mean so much to you if he would do yours as well.
[Post New]04/15/2017 16:13
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Anonymous
Consider yourself lucky that your DH believes in some type of gesture. Any type of gesture. A few days ago, my own f'ing mother walked into MY house, and threw MY birthday cake (that I ordered and paid for, for myself) into the trash can, saying "birthdays are overrated anyways." And then she proceeded to throw a fit (screaming and yelling obscenities, totally out of nowhere). As I'm battling cancer, this birthday meant A LOT, and I'd give anything to have someone in my life who was even remotely thoughtful. Count your blessings, OP. Because you have a ton.
[Post New]04/15/2017 16:46
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Anonymous
^^you need help.
[Post New]04/15/2017 17:37
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Anonymous
My DH does remember birthdays, anniversaries etc but he really hates to shop so I really don't expect much unless I hint at something. Frankly I really don't need much. On the other hand he always gives me a hug and squeeze in the morning, tells his friends how lucky he is to be married to me, and often says "how about if we invite your mother over for dinner!" Now that is a grand gesture! If all of a sudden he got into grand gestures I'd assume he was guilty of something!
[Post New]04/15/2017 18:12
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Anonymous
How sensitive to his needs are you and how many gestures do you do for him? Your post sounds a lot like all about me issue. Men don't read minds, women also can't read minds, but are often more thoughtful, either by nature of nurture. Tell him what you want and he will do it. If he is at the grocery store and you feel like eating steak, tell him, and then thank him. How selfish is he to start with? One thing that works for me, is that I don't pout and agonize over small things that didn't happen, and nobody knew they were supposed to happen because I thought in my head that it would be nice... This is immature and counterproductive. Just tell him, I would love it if you got me flowers once a month, and something might stick.
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